Am I just "justifying" my laziness and lack of concentration with ADHD ?

[cantakeitnemore]

I am REALLY confused. Someone just said to me "I agree you ADHD could be a possibility, but you are justifying you're irresponsible behavior with it and THAT's wrong." I still have a hard time understanding how could this condition be for real, even after all the research. And since my diagnosis was subjective, its even harder for people around me to believe. I get that they care for me, but calling me irresponsible, nagging me all the day to study, telling me how it is important for me to get "at least a Bachelor's degree(which I understand as, you are incapable of a master's degree, correct me if I'm wrong)", or getting me angry, won't be of any help either. It just makes me want to rebel even more. I know its ultimately going to ruin my career and not them but it is uncontrollable(or am I not trying hard enough?).
I have no close person to discuss it all with and I don't believe in God, so the way I vent is by cutting, which is wrong and THAT I realize only after the anger has gone.
Telling people directly that I have a problem with them is like impossible for me. I either end up fighting or never talking to that person again EVER.
I look for the easy way out in things. When I fail, I become hopeless. I've never had hope, so I don't know what it feels like to have it.
Do you think I'm just kidding myself and wasting my life? Will I end up doing something that I wouldn't like or maybe just jobless and dependent on others?
Why can't I just get over it and start working hard. Why do I have to have useless addictions? Why can't I be a studyoholic instead?

[tazoz]

Well, the answer to the question given in the title is no...

The definition of laziness is the ability to do something yet not having the desire to do so. You want to study and succeed yet for various reasons are unable to do so, you are not lazy.

Lack of concentration is one of the symptoms of ADHD so how can it be an excuse...

Going a bit deeper, people have specific motives for saying what they say, most are just trying to help, they rationalize the statement in the following way: "I don't know if he/she has ADD (even we wonder about this), if she doesn't have ADD, ADD is an excuse, if she does, than her labeling herself as ADD can be used as an excuse, so it's important to let her know that ADD can be used as an excuse." Your reaction will be one of the following: 1. self doubt which will strengthen that persons opinion that you are using ADD as an excuse. 2. Extreme denial, which will lead to an argument which usually ends badly as both entrench themselves in their own opinion.

The truth is that the diagnosis of ADD should be a private matter. It is a tool for us to figure out ways to study better and organize our lives, so we can live a more productive life. If you feel that someone can help you deal with one of the symptoms, just ask them, people usually help if asked even if you don't give a specific reason.

Personally, if needed, I tell people that I sometimes have difficulties concentrating, or that I tend to procrastinate etc. As most people have such problems from time to time, they will sympathize and the few who know enough about ADD might even suggest the diagnosis. (if they suggested it, there is no way they would argue about it's validity later on)

To counter the nagging, I generally just point out that even though they believe they are helping me by nagging, this is wrong, if they really want to help they can sit down with me and study. (this actually is helpful) You can go even further and point out that nagging is non effective negative reinforcement, negative reinforcement can, in the short term, create some motivation, but only in that person’s presence and subsequently hurts are connection with that person and leads to anxiety which is in a way counterproductive.

About the lack of hope, this is an obvious sign of depression, when depressed we have a tendency to color the world in black, which leads to us having no hope as all you can see is a bleak future. The ways to treat this is through medication or positive interactions with other people, sharing your stories with others and finding joy in others amusing lives. A psychologist can serve this purpose but it has to be one who is positive and extroverted and open, not one who sits and says nothing with a frown on their faces.

The useless addictions come from a desire to escape from painful thoughts, they are not a problem, they are a symptom to a problem, treating the problem will treat the addiction. (Drugs are more problematic as getting off drugs adds additional pain to the pain clarity brings.

Instead of desiring to be some sort of abstract concept, as in workaholic, set very limited specific goals, talking to a single person, studying an hour and a half instead of an hour, if you manage to study an hour and a quarter or stare at a person’s eyes and smile congratulate yourself and set new goals, small steps lead to great things. I'm striving to be a writer for example, so I set to writing a bit daily, I've failed to do so, but I've written a few times a week, I'm still happy because it's a step in the right direction and over time it will become easier if I stick at it.

Hope I was helpful, good luck and I hope you manage to see the world in a more positive light, it's a wonderful world despite the many flaws.

Now to stop procrastinating and getting some studying done.

[K-Funk]

woah, wait you cut yourself??? that's a huge problem!!! I've never met you but after reading that I'm really concerned. Do you need someone to talk to on the phone or something?

Originally Posted by cantakeitnemore

I am REALLY confused. Someone just said to me "I agree you ADHD could be a possibility, but you are justifying you're irresponsible behavior with it and THAT's wrong." I still have a hard time understanding how could this condition be for real, even after all the research. And since my diagnosis was subjective, its even harder for people around me to believe. I get that they care for me, but calling me irresponsible, nagging me all the day to study, telling me how it is important for me to get "at least a Bachelor's degree(which I understand as, you are incapable of a master's degree, correct me if I'm wrong)", or getting me angry, won't be of any help either. It just makes me want to rebel even more. I know its ultimately going to ruin my career and not them but it is uncontrollable(or am I not trying hard enough?).
I have no close person to discuss it all with and I don't believe in God, so the way I vent is by cutting, which is wrong and THAT I realize only after the anger has gone.
Telling people directly that I have a problem with them is like impossible for me. I either end up fighting or never talking to that person again EVER.
I look for the easy way out in things. When I fail, I become hopeless. I've never had hope, so I don't know what it feels like to have it.
Do you think I'm just kidding myself and wasting my life? Will I end up doing something that I wouldn't like or maybe just jobless and dependent on others?
Why can't I just get over it and start working hard. Why do I have to have useless addictions? Why can't I be a studyoholic instead?

[ginniebean]

What's really wrong is being blamed for having symptoms of a disorder. It's ok to have ADHD but any time you experience a symptom it will be your fault.


This takes a huge toll and creates endless stress for all of us. The general public has been subject to a well orchestrated misinformation campaign and occasionally one of those derps comes on here to try and stir up stupidity with pretty much no success. People rarely know very much about adhd except the three main symptoms which are deceptively trivial looking.


You have ADHD, oh big deal .. look a squirrel. It's really not funny.

The emotional pain of being a suspected malingerer, being called lazy, crazy, stupid, and all the other things we do get called, add in just how many disgusted looks, rolled eyes and shaken heads we get over very real problems it's hard to really feel good about yourself.

It's humiliating to have people appraise you negatively so often but this is what most of us do live with. All we can do is educate ourselves more and more so that we can 'see' our symptoms, and that does give confidence and an ability to defend or guard against these sorts of unwarranted attacks.


a support forum is here for just this reason, and also to help us figure out the best ways to deal with whatever symptom is getting in the way. There are strategies you can implement to help keep on track and they won't always work for you but they will work often enough to be worth it.

((((hugs)))))

[ronball]

Thanks for the great post cantakeitnemore.

You are exactly at a point I came to several times before acceptance finally set in.

Over a period of YEARS I might add. Society views on ADHD are the most damaging thing about this disorder. Especially considering we are also members of society, and also have shared these viewpoints. However, the best analogy to describe this situation is that we are being EXACTLY like the character on the Chepelles show "Black, white supremist)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHFUH_frhBw

*Disclaimer, language*

BELIEVING WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT ADHD IS EXACTLY AS RIDICULOUS AS THIS SKETCH.

Everything you're going through, most of us here have gone through already. There's so much misinformation about what adhd is, and isn't that it really takes a while to comprehend and understand it.

My revelations have actually come from other posts here as well as videos (and books) by Dr. Barkley.

They have both helped me recognize what my ADHD is, and what it isn't. As you can see right now you're at a stage where you think it's just an excuse for your inadequacies. You don't realize the value of understanding what your traits and actions can be attributed to ADHD.

My point is this: I have days where I'm lazy. Where I can't concentrate, where I can't seem to accomplish anything. I am more likely to shrug it off as "A severe ADHD day", and get back on track with my goals instead of dwelling on my inability and carrying on the theme.

Another strength of having knowledge on how ADHD effects you is treatment. If you come to accept that ADHD exists, you can actually see the benefits of how treatment affects ADHD. I don't mean medications exclusively either.

For example, based on what I know of ADHD (that it's a neuro-transmitter energy problem, that there isn't as efficient energy passing between synapse as in a normal person) that I can take steps to help improve my symptoms. Here is what I do:

-I avoid eating foods with artificial colouring
-I avoid high carb diets. Ketosis diets are dangerous, but they do help with ADHD symptoms
-I avoid Caffeine
-I take vasodilators for increased blood flow. (Nitric oxide supplements, also helps with my cardio training)
-I exercise regularly. At work, and at the gym. (The downside is, it actually decreases the amount of sleep I can have, moreso than medications)
-I take a vitamin B supplement every day.
-Because I know ADHD has a 40% of being co-morbid with another disorder, I also treat for depression with HTP-5 daily.
-I take omega 3 supplements before bed.
-I also take concerta (Ritalin)

All of these things have helped me SIGNIFICANTLY. How has this helped me?:

-I can actually get myself out of bed each morning. I have not called in sick for work since I started 10 months ago. That has never happened in my life time
-I can take the time to properly do my job.
-I drive better.
-I can actually hang out with friends without feeling the urgency to go back home where I can assure stimulation.
-I don't feel the need to rush through everything.
-Meeting deadlines are still an issue, as I'm still complacent in many regards, but I'm better at it.
-I can stay more organized. I can even write neater now.
-I have a harder time forgetting things, my memory has even improved.
-I'm in a position now where I could actually have a relationship. I was so self focused on the things that I wasn't accomplishing, that I couldn't devote any time to anyone.
-I have the energy to do everything I need to do in the day, and I dont feel quite as burned out.
-I recognize that the symptoms of ADHD won’t allow me to live the life exactly as I want. I can’t be cooped up in an office, even though I’d like to be. I can’t do much paper work, even though the professions I think I’d be good at have lots of it. I need to be my own boss, and do my own thing. I can’t do repetitive work.
All these things have equalled a better quality of life for me since I've actually ignored the scepticism of society. I know what ADHD is, how it effects me, and that it's something I will deal with for the rest of my life.

Just remember: People with ADHD all KNOW how to improve their lives. They're just incapable of doing it. The very best analogy I've heard for ADHD is this:

"It's like watching your favourite show, but changing the channel anyways."

Please research this disorder more and learn what Hyperactivity really is; that being easily distracted doesn't mean "you're thinking about 17 things at once". That there are so many characteristics about your personality that you share with others with this disorder, and that can be empowering.

Don't fall into a hole. You have a very powerful resource with this forum, and shared experience is just as (if not moreso) important when overcoming this disorder.

[cantakeitnemore]

"It's like watching your favourite show, but changing the channel anyways."

Exactly!! But the thing is, that is just illogical, why would someone not do what they like to do. And to reason it with others is even more difficult. Try telling them about these forums and online studies, they'll just group you into a category. AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! I feel like smacking their heads when I see that disaproving shake of the head

[tired1823]

Sometimes I don't even try, but I was just reading this stuff.... I don't think everything is our fault:

Adults with ADHD are often academic underachievers, from primary school onward. Combined with poor planning abilities, this makes young people with ADHD less likely to plan and develop a career. In the workplace they fail at organising their time, prioritising tasks and meeting deadlines (NICE, 2008, p38). However, for a few, the adult work environment can be helpful, if their job relies on fast problem-solving rather than long-term planning, for instance. For most though, the increased demands and responsibilities of adult life are problematic; substance misuse, relationship problems and illegal behaviours may result. Adults with untreated ADHD have high usage of health and social care settings with smoking-related disorders, serious accidents, and alcohol and substance misuse.

[tudorose]

Can you try something? Next time you feel like cutting can you grab some ice cubes from the freezer and try to crush them in you hands instead? This way you might be able to get the release you need without damaging yourself - and then you don't feel ashamed afterwards either.

[cantakeitnemore]

Originally Posted by tudorose

Can you try something? Next time you feel like cutting can you grab some ice cubes from the freezer and try to crush them in you hands instead? This way you might be able to get the release you need without damaging yourself - and then you don't feel ashamed afterwards either.

I've tried that, I end up hitting on my head with the ice tray instead in anger. Last time I was angry at my parents(last weekend) I hit myself with the Laptop. Sounds so idiotic now, doesn't it? But at THAT moment it seems right.
I've been told not to stay alone when I'm feeling angry but that's really difficult because my first instinct is to get up and throw whatever's in my hand and storm off to my room.

Isn't this something to get angry(or at least feel bad) for?
We got a new internet connection and my dad asked me to show him the different available colors of the car he wanted to order (he doesn't know a lot about computers), now what happened was that the company hadn't started the connection yet and I had to call their customer care like a 100 times to do it fast. So I was trying to connect it again and again because they were telling me that "it'll start in another 10 minutes" each time! - It took 3 hours btw and I ended up shouting at them too.
My dad got irritated after an hour and said "leave it, YOU won't be able to do it" - -- which sounded like "you are incompetent" to me. Now whether it was my missed dose of antidepressants or my damaged head but this sentence was just Intolerable, and I ended up having another anger fit. He could have said "Leave it, try it later when it starts" or anything else, because it was NOT MY FAULT that the connection hadn't started yet.

[anonymouslyadd]

Can't (((((hugs)))))). This is my hypothesis on your situation from what I have known about you for about four months.

You come from a very demanding family and culture. I remember you telling me that in India you are either a doctor, engineer, and something else I can't remember. This put a lot of pressure on you. It was too much pressure.

Given the fact that you have ADD, it makes the intensity of your situation that much more heightened. You were in med school going after the most difficult degree in my opinion.

I do hope you begin to view yourself in terms of how the ADD impacts you instead of what you (can't as a person) are doing wrong. You see can't, who you are as a person is seperate from the challenges that ADD presents to you. You have a brain that is abnormal, but I don't believe you are abnormal. I have so much compassion for you that if I let myself, I could feel your pain.

In many ways we are alike. I too look for the easy way out, which I don't think is the worst thing in the world. Isn't it smart to try to find the easy way first? I think I've gotten so used to things being difficult, it's a shock when something is easy for me. Gosh, I'm amazed when something comes easy to me. It's almost like it's viewing a total lunar eclipse. This is what happens from years and years of going AGAINST your strengths ( I say your not addressing you directly).

With your family the way it is can't (probably VERY similar to mine), I see you needing to get away from them. At the heart of the matter is a struggle between understanding how ADD impacts you and self-acceptance.

How will you ever be able to accept yourself with such negativity and UNACCEPTANCE around you?

I am taking baby steps to accept who I am and what I'm capable of. It's a process for me. I came from a family with a stepdad who could lay down on a living room couch and read a medical textbook for what seemed to be hours. I always envied him. Now, I know it was not something I could do because of the ADD. This is fine. I'm learning to find my own way of doing things, a way that fits within my world.

When you are able to get away from the negative environment, I think you'll begin the process of self-acceptance. I think you're ready to shine. It's just something that will take time.

[cantakeitnemore]

Thanks Anon, but you know, right now, all I feel is hopelessness. I asked my mom if she loved me, she said she did and when I asked why she said you don't need a reason. And then I asked if she believes that I can do well and she said that I have to prove it to her by doing well. "This means you don't have confidence I can do things, right? " I asked, She said I'll have it when you show me you've got it.

Now if its her way of encouragement then its definitely NOT helping me.
This just means NO ONE believes in me, she was the only person I expected to do that. And how can I live normally without loving my parents or thinking about them as the negative energy in my life.
I love my parents and I wish they loved me back. Nothing can fill the void that is there inside me because they won't believe in me.

[mctavish23]

The person posing the question may have meant well,however,their approach

was anything but enlightened.

I would say that type of attitude & belief system is pervasive among those

who wouldn't know a neurotransmitter if it bit them in the butt

Hang in there.


tc

mctavish23

(Robert)

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by cantakeitnemore

Thanks Anon, but you know, right now, all I feel is hopelessness. I asked my mom if she loved me, she said she did and when I asked why she said you don't need a reason. And then I asked if she believes that I can do well and she said that I have to prove it to her by doing well. "This means you don't have confidence I can do things, right? " I asked, She said I'll have it when you show me you've got it.

Now if its her way of encouragement then its definitely NOT helping me.
This just means NO ONE believes in me, she was the only person I expected to do that. And how can I live normally without loving my parents or thinking about them as the negative energy in my life.
I love my parents and I wish they loved me back. Nothing can fill the void that is there inside me because they won't believe in me.

I shared the same amount of despair that you seem to have, and I struggled with seperating myself from my parents (I still do). My challenge is to maintain seperation from them while they live so close to me.

It's not easy when you have looked for something you're whole life and have not received. This was me for the longest time. I was like the little puppy coming back to his mom after she tried abandoning him over and over. My mom did not abandon me persay, but I think you get it.

What I told you in my previous post, was not the easiest advice to receive. I told you what I felt would help you move on with your life.

I'm attaching a letter I wrote to my mom when I was about 15 or 16 years old (I never sent it). I desired my mom to love me so much. I think she did, she was just such an a******. For years and years, I expected something she could never give me. I think you're parents probably do love you, but they can't provide you with complete love and acceptance you desire.

Look at what my mom did to me can't, and I didn't even realize it until many years later. I was majorly depressed because of her issues mostly.

Beginning of letter (unchanged just added paragraphs to make it easy to read):


I haven't been the best kid to parent, in fact not even close to a good one. I tease the kids way too much and I haven't been a good older brother towards them and I regret that. I am not trying to block out the fact that I have been a bad kid but you haven't been a good mom either. 10% of the time you can be the best mom in the world and take me places and buy me things but 90% of the time you're the worst.

You curse my father and call him names and say stuff about the rest of his family. You say that my grandmother used to complain about her heart when you always say your chest hurts. You may not have said anything recently but you have said things about them many times in the past and that has and will have a lasting effect on me. You punched me with your rings and you've sat on me and have beaten the crap out of me. You curse me and say that I'm lazy repeatedly. Sometimes when you come home you just scream at me for no reason.

When I was 6 years old I came home with a trophy from the Somerdale baseball league. I was so proud, but you didn't like it and you trashed my room. How could you do that to me I was only 6 and it was my first trophy. Why? How could you ask me to tell my father that I didn't want him to go to my soccer games I was only 8. No matter how bad he was I would've like to see you do that to your father. After reading this you can honestly say that you expect me to respect you.

You don't realize how many times I just cry and especially at night I just cry myself to sleep wishing that I hadn't misbehaved and wondering why you do these things to me. I would have traded in all the presents in the world for to just be a good mom to me.

You son,

Anon


I know it's rough.

[cantakeitnemore]

Anon, I feel really bad for you. Why don't you give this letter to her now ?
After my last post (while you were posting this reply) my mom asked me to come down for breakfast. I threw all my inhibitions and ego and asked her why is it that you won't believe in me until you see me do something. I need you to believe in me in order to do it. Your negative reinforcement strategies are just making it worse.

And she then told me she never said that. I reminded her of the conversation. Then she said that I took her words too "literally". Now maybe theres something wrong in the way I comprehend what people are saying to me(like the psychotherapist told me). So one thing I learnt here (now I dont know if its me or the antidepressant I took last night talking) is that she might have actually meant good and me, being the negative person I am, took it in a wrong way. Maybe she has issues showing her love as well. My dad hasn't been the perfect husband, so maybe I am expecting too much from her. And she wants me to do my best and this is the only way SHE thinks is the best way to convey her feelings. And in our family expressing our feelings have always been in form of anger/fight (or me being drunk sending everyone a text telling them I loved them). As far as career is concerned, I'm sure she wants me to get well settled and be able to live on my own.

One thing, Anon, please please send her this letter with another letter telling her you love her and want her to love you back. Whatever she replies is upto her, but atleast you would've tried your best. It might sound difficult but believe me this will be one of the best decisions of your life.
I hope this mindset I have right now, stays longer. Anger really spoils lives.

[Kasechka]

Canttakeit, the person who said that to you a. doesn't understand adhd; and b. is caught in the "blame and shame" mode out of a sense of their own inadequacy. They lack compassion to hear and accept what you are going through.

I hear that you are living with a lot of this disapproval, blame and shame, and that's awful. It sounds like every expression of disapproval is like a blow, a strike. No wonder you cut--to pre-empt the emotional pain, or to distract from it!

It sounds to me like all the disapproval is coming from shaky egos--"I need you to live up to certain expectations, so I can feel better about myself." It's not right.

Just fyi--one of my big adhd symptoms is/was hypersensitivity to criticism. ADHD treatment has diminished that almost 100%, no joke. I can hear disapproval (in fact I do hear it a lot less now) and not feel like I'm being assaulted! Clearly my brain needed chemical adjustment.

But whatever you feel, and for whatever reason--it's legitimate, you have a right to feel it, and are reasonable in expecting a degree of understanding and acceptance from people close to you. If they don't or can't give it, it's clearly because of their own issues. You are young and in a lot of pain, so it's a lot to ask for you to see them as weak, fallible individuals in their own right, to kind of rise up beyond the (righteous) anger and frustration at them for not giving you what you need. Might it help, though?