Priorities..please!!!

[Fuzzy12]

Originally Posted by pechemignonne

Are you seeing a doctor or specialist for this? Because it sounds to me like you might be at a point where you need outside help, of a professional kind.

I did mention it to a counsellor once but we didn't talk much about it. I really, really don't want to tell my GP.

The problem I guess is that I don't want any help. At least not now when I'm losing weight, it's different when I'm binge eating. I know, I need help and I know that I should get help but I don't want to. That kind of is exactly the problem with an eating disorder. I know it's really bad for me (apart from being completely idiotic and illogical) but I can't force myself to not want to do this. I don't want to eat. I don't want anyone helping me to eat. Deep down, I'm thrilled and proud of myself (inspite of knowing how idiotic and meaningless all of this is).

Does that make any sense? It's like I know, right now, that I really, really should eat something since I'm feeling a bit faint and quite weak, got a headache and bad heartburn and I'm struggling to think straight but I just don't want to so I won't. I'm incapable of forcing myself to do things that I don't want to do irrespective of how logical or sensible I know they are.

I know, it's difficult to understand because it just really doesn't make any sense whatsoever. And it drives me quite crazy that something so senseless and illogical can be so compelling.

[Fuzzy12]

Originally Posted by Florence1989

Hi Fuzzy, i had an eating disorder for many years after my parents divorce, my weight now yoyo's between average and low average, i can totally sympathise with the need to be in control and the sense of almost euphoria you can get from not eating. are you struggling over or have you had problems with body image or self esteem ?

my eating was a way of having control over something because at the time my whole life was collapsing around me...i felt like i had to be smaller,less noticeable and forgive me for being melodramatic but i wanted to literally disappear...i think it takes a lot of courage to admit you are facing problems with food ((hugs)) if you need to talk to someone that understands i am around

do you have 'safe' foods that you could try and start off with, clear broths, sugarfree jello etc...just to get back in the habit of eating again ? xx

It's similar for me. My eating is one of the things that I can control (at times). Not eating gives me a feeling of success, which I crave desperately because I'm not really getting it anywhere else.

It's a bit twisted but depriving myself always signals productivity to me. I can't eat normally. I either binge or starve myself (or fast). Starving means that I feel better and can do other things as well. Binge eating signals the end of anything productive. It's my time out/switch off button.

I've got safe foods. Most fruits, salad (without dressing) and boiled vegetables (except for the high calories ones). Right now I'm staying in a BnB and I'm struggling to find food that I'm comfortable eating. I spent two hours in Asda the other day because I couldn't find anything to eat apart from salad leaves and fruits. I was looking for something slightly more substantial but nothing seemed low enough in calories.

I guess, it's ok. It's not going to last forever. At some point I'm sure my appetite will return and then it will be harder to not eat. I've got zero will power so sooner or later when the hunger or appetite return I will start eating again. Binge eating probably.

[pechemignonne]

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12

I did mention it to a counsellor once but we didn't talk much about it. I really, really don't want to tell my GP.

The problem I guess is that I don't want any help. At least not now when I'm losing weight, it's different when I'm binge eating. I know, I need help and I know that I should get help but I don't want to. That kind of is exactly the problem with an eating disorder. I know it's really bad for me (apart from being completely idiotic and illogical) but I can't force myself to not want to do this. I don't want to eat. I don't want anyone helping me to eat. Deep down, I'm thrilled and proud of myself (inspite of knowing how idiotic and meaningless all of this is).

Does that make any sense? It's like I know, right now, that I really, really should eat something since I'm feeling a bit faint and quite weak, got a headache and bad heartburn and I'm struggling to think straight but I just don't want to so I won't. I'm incapable of forcing myself to do things that I don't want to do irrespective of how logical or sensible I know they are.

I know, it's difficult to understand because it just really doesn't make any sense whatsoever. And it drives me quite crazy that something so senseless and illogical can be so compelling.

It doesn't make sense, because it isn't a logical drive, but you seem to already know that. That isn't really the point, all of us with ADHD do things that don't "make sense" and avoid doing "sensible" things, it's part of the disorder.

But in some cases, especially in combination with other co-morbid conditions (eg eating disorders, depression, bipolar, etc.), this can be very, very dangerous.

Moreover, it is not something that will get better on its own, since the lack of calories will exacerbate the ADHD which will exacerbate the eating disorder.

Everything that you are saying in your posts indicates that your eating disorder situation is pretty serious. And although it isn't "logical" by outside standards, it has its own logic. But the end game of that logic is not pretty.

It comes down to this, and I am not being melodramatic: If you want to live, you will have to tell a doctor.

[Flory]

Hi fuzzy,
i just read your response today to my post, please don't take what i'm about to say as encouragement towards this eating problem but see it as support from someone who has been there and knows that there is 0 anyone can do to fix it until you want to fix it and also someone that wants you to try and stay within safe boundaries.

i 100% know where you are at, fasting brings with it a massive sense of control and almost a clarity, its in our heads achievement...when things are falling to sh** around us, everything is wrong...what is right ? i successfully starved i havent eaten im in control of my body, my weight...the ultimate control. starvation becomes a security blanket... in just one year i lost 50% of my body weight, if my bmi had dropped any further than what it was (16) (17.5 is the diagnostic threshold for anorexia nervosa) i would have been hospitalised against my will....

it was probably the pivotal point in all of this because despite my great feelings about losing weight...things in florence's world were seriously amiss.....my hair was falling out, i had increased levels of creatinine in my bloodwork (a by-product of muscle metabolism) in other words: my body was eating itself, my electrolytes were so out of whack that i would pass out and feel fluttery upon exertion, my kidney function began to suffer(its fine now), my bone mass began to decrease, i could never sleep, i was always cold, i lost my period and developed lanugo (i fine white hair that grows over the body to keep warm)...i don't mean this as a scare tactic i just want you to know that the road your on is a very bad road indeed and it pains me to see somebody suffering like this, eating disorders are very very complex and its not as simple as telling someone to 'just eat' all i can offer is a hug and a little advice.

with that said: i know there's not a lot anybody can do for you right now, eating a full and healthy diet is probably the last thing on your mind and im not going to encourage one way or another, but there is a way you can ensure that you are at least eating but foregoing a massive amount of calories until whatever it is ceases and you feel more able to return to a normal pattern of eating , i'd also reccomend that you check in with your gp about these symptoms

water: i was clinically dehyrdrated on a number of occasions..this is serious s**t and the end result can be fatal...push that fluid through your body like there is no tomorrow, tea, coffee, water, juice (robinsons sugar free is pretty low cal), diet coke lemonade and plain water should do the trick it will also help with hunger pangs

chicken breast (120 cals) with a side salad and you can get a 1 cal caesar dressing spray at most supermarkets, this makes a great dinner ...sugar free jelly is about 4 calories with a chopped up banana you've got yourself a nice filling dessert for about 140 cals, you could also just forego the banana and have the sugar free jello thats dinner and dessert for <250 calories

breakfast bars, cereal bars of the diet variety even coco pops ones are all 110< add a cup of tea and youve got yourself a fairly alright low cal breakfast

multi-vits, calcium supplements and fat-free dairy are your friends....use when you can to keep your bones tip-top

cous-cous is tasty low fat and you can have a portion at about 250 cals with a piece of chicken, quorns chicken sub is even better and less calories this would make a brilliant meal for <300

lunchtime crackers x2, extra low fat dairlyea triangles 24 cals each, with a weight watchers cake and some fruit and youve got a lunch for about 200

you could probably do a days food for <800 calories...i know its not right but you have got to start somewhere, and until you can overcome what it is thats making eating hard you've got to try and eat something please do keep your doctor posted on your situation and try and keep safe...and if you really really can't eat please make sure you are hydrated electrolyte imbalances are a very dangerous side effect of dehyrdation and can cause heart arrythmia

with that i give you hugs (((hugs))) and wish you well...let me know if you want to chat about anything be it ED related or just in general and please stay safe xxx

[T-Rex65]

Here is an idea which may be totally off base or unworkable. But here goes.

What if you decided to take a cooking class? You would be exerting control by learning cooking techniques and following or modifying recipes. You would need to taste as you went along because you have to know if you are getting it right. And at the end of the class, perhaps you will feel "in control" of the outcome to such an extent that perhaps you could relax and actually eat some of whatever you created?

[Fuzzy12]

The physical feelings of being unwell are really getting to me. I didn't even eat that little today. I felt so weak that I didn't make it out of bed till afternoon. Then I had two bowls of chick peas and vegetables and later in the evening I had some cereals and an apple. I've also tried getting down some calorie dense food like raisins and nuts.

I'm still feeling weak and faint. I've got a headache and my mind is feeling really fuzzy. I think, my body has gone into ketosis. For the past week I've been getting this sweet and fruity taste in my mouth. I don't believe in low carb diets (when I try to be healthy I make sure I get a good balance of all food groups) so I wasn't aiming for this. It's funny. I remember getting this taste in my mouth every once in a while though I never knew what it was. I always liked it. I always associated it with good times and being happy, which makes sense I guess, since I always feel better and am happier when I'm depriving myself of food.

My skin is also super dry and I've become more hairy.

More than anything I hate feeling this weak. I can't afford to be weak. I've got so much work. I think, I'll try to eat some quorn burgers now to get some proteins. I really, really don't want to though. I feel full to the rim and I'm worried I'll pile the weight right back on again, which I probably will. I guess though it's better being fat than dying of a heart attack.

I told the GP that I've lost my appetite and that I've lost some weight. She said I just have to force myself to eat. I know I should have told her that I'm not able to force myself but I didn't.

[pechemignonne]

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12

The physical feelings of being unwell are really getting to me. I didn't even eat that little today. I felt so weak that I didn't make it out of bed till afternoon. Then I had two bowls of chick peas and vegetables and later in the evening I had some cereals and an apple. I've also tried getting down some calorie dense food like raisins and nuts.

I'm still feeling weak and faint. I've got a headache and my mind is feeling really fuzzy. I think, my body has gone into ketosis. For the past week I've been getting this sweet and fruity taste in my mouth. I don't believe in low carb diets (when I try to be healthy I make sure I get a good balance of all food groups) so I wasn't aiming for this. It's funny. I remember getting this taste in my mouth every once in a while though I never knew what it was. I always liked it. I always associated it with good times and being happy, which makes sense I guess, since I always feel better and am happier when I'm depriving myself of food.

My skin is also super dry and I've become more hairy.

More than anything I hate feeling this weak. I can't afford to be weak. I've got so much work. I think, I'll try to eat some quorn burgers now to get some proteins. I really, really don't want to though. I feel full to the rim and I'm worried I'll pile the weight right back on again, which I probably will. I guess though it's better being fat than dying of a heart attack.

I told the GP that I've lost my appetite and that I've lost some weight. She said I just have to force myself to eat. I know I should have told her that I'm not able to force myself but I didn't.

You should really be honest with your GP.

Your physical symptoms are an indication that your current situation is causing you health problems. These will only get worse if things continue as they are, and could get very serious very quickly.

[swashbedazzled]

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12

The problem I guess is that I don't want any help. At least not now when I'm losing weight, it's different when I'm binge eating. I know, I need help and I know that I should get help but I don't want to. That kind of is exactly the problem with an eating disorder. I know it's really bad for me (apart from being completely idiotic and illogical) but I can't force myself to not want to do this. I don't want to eat. I don't want anyone helping me to eat. Deep down, I'm thrilled and proud of myself (inspite of knowing how idiotic and meaningless all of this is).

Besides the obvious psychological impacts, eating disorders lead to skin and teeth problems, musculoskeletal issues, digestive problems and other nasties. I was anorexic for 3 years, as a result I will have tooth and esophagus problems as long as I live. It took years for my hair to go back to normal, and for the stabbing stomach pain from ulcers to stop. It is so easy to think "this is bad for me", but you don't actually know what that means. A bit of shame talking to your GP now is way better than the horrors of dental surgeries, invasive stomach exams, and regret years down the road. I'm not being melodramatic either. I was also secretly thrilled and proud, but I wish I could take it back. Straight up, living with the repercussions of ED sucks.

[Fuzzy12]

Thanks guys. I know you are right.

Anyway, I'm trying to eat more again. I have a huge breakfast since I find it easier to eat in the morning:

Breakfast on most days consists of 1 poached egg, 1 slice of wholemeal toast, 2 grilled tomatoes, 1 grilled mushroom, some baked beans and a glass of orange juice. I reckon that's about 400kcal just for breakfast. When I'm at home it's a bowl of cereals on good days or mostly I skip it.

Lunch is usually a bowl of salad and a bowl of fruits. I try to make the salad more nutritious by adding beans. Roughly 200kcal, I guess. If I eat anything more at lunch it becomes too compelling to skip dinner.

Dinner is the most problematic and I usually spend at least an hour going around the supermarket, checking the nutritional information of everything and not finding anything that I might be able to eat.

When I'm at home I usually toss together a can of beans with lots and lots of vegetables. I'm spending a lot of time travelling for work (which is when I get a cooked breakfast at least) and mostly buy some food from a supermarket. I usually end up having more salad, fruits and instant low fat soup. But this week I'm trying to have larger portions and also add some proteins like quorn and some fibre from crispy bread slices. Tonight, I guess, I had about 300kcal.

I know that 1000kcal a day isn't enough but it's much more than I've had in the last few weeks so that's a start, I guess.

I still feel slightly faint towards the evening and get heart burn I don't have that sweet and fruity taste in my mouth anymore all the time. I just get it every once in a while. I'll try to slowly increase my intake again.

I know that once my appetite returns I won't be able to sustain this anyway. I'm away from home a lot at the moment and that makes it worse. I love travelling but I'm not entirely comfortable sleeping anywhere except at home. I worry about dirt and insects and that puts me off food as well.

[pechemignonne]

I'm glad to hear that you're doing better.

I still would still strongly encourage you to seek some kind of help or support from some kind of health professional.

Eating disorders are very serious business, and you don't have to try to fight it alone.

Again, glad to hear that you're eating, I'm sure your body appreciates your hard work!!

[pechemignonne]

For you Fuzzy, a great blog I found:

I do not have an eating disorder