Need Help Dealing With My ADD Girlfriend

[Simenora]

"And you say she ignores the phone on other occasions - you've seen her do it - so it's not you she's ignoring. Something about the phone simply doesn't get her attention. Maybe changing the ringtone will help, maybe it won't. Hard to say. I've found, for myself, that it's so frustrating to get interrupted in the middle of doing something, I'll ignore the phone (and then forget to check messages later because there's nothing reminding me to check them.)



You know I'll do that a lot too. I have major issue with changing track. So much so that I will leave the phone ring so I can keep on task, specially in the middle of hyper focus.

If you have ever had the experience of walking over to someplace in your house to do/get something and have completely forgotten what it was you went there for, well imagine doing the very same thing day in and day out. That is life with adhd.

Then there is also the 30% rule;I don't know when that evens out. Children with ADHD are roughly 30% behind their cohort in emotional maturity so I imagine that someone just out of their teens would have some catch up. My hubby reached quasi adulthood around 35, when we had the first child.

There are several good books around about adhd/add and relationships. I think Gina Pera has got one out, maybe Ned Halowell too though I am not sure. Be prepared to be somewhat accommodating and to work on communication skills.

[RedHairedWitch]

Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD

anonymouslyadd- im trying my hardest to be understanding and to try and be aware of the things she goes through, and about the bedroom situation, thats kind of hard to laugh off because once i do come back she tells me to hold on while she continues to play a pointless game, then wonders why i get frustrated.

Ever heard of the tickle monster? Or the mad dive onto the bed? Or nibbling toes? A doing a sexy dance? Are getting under the covers and kissing your way up?

Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD

Its not a good feeling being put on hold for something pointless all the time, especially when it comes to things like that. and thats how i constantly feel, i feel like she is always putting ME on hold, and doesn't know how to prioritize, but claims she has the right priorities.

ADHD affects one's ability to prioritize and to switch activities. Screens are very dangerous because they are shiny, they draw us in like moths to the flame. Work on that sexy dance, boy

[sops]

Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch

Ever heard of the tickle monster? Or the mad dive onto the bed? Or nibbling toes? A doing a sexy dance? Are getting under the covers and kissing your way up?




ADHD affects one's ability to prioritize and to switch activities. Screens are very dangerous because they are shiny, they draw us in like moths to the flame. Work on that sexy dance, boy

Hehehehe... works every time!! MAd dive or nibbling or gentle kissing.. Instead of getting mad, take charge and make her want it!

[jaybee03]

Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD

and another question i have is, what do things like adderrall and ridilin (sp) actually do? because it seems to me like her 30 mg extended release adderrall doesn't do all that much as far as helping her focus or concentrate

The answer to that question lies in those video links

But, I'll try to keep this short.

An explanation is that:

An ADHD brain doesn't get the blood flow or brain activity that a normal brain gets. Additionally, when given a task to do that we don't like, the blood flow and the brain waves QUICKLY begin to mimic that of a person going to sleep. In fact, often times ADHD'rs fall asleep during testing or reading when they're not even tired.

There is also a lack of neurotransmitters in the ADHD brain, that is to say; not as many as a normal brain.

So, stimulant meds work very much like things that distract us - distractions are exciting, stimulating, etc. Distractions aren't consciously sought out but they are a way to KIND OF self medicate. They increase blood flow as well as the neurotransmitters in the brain. Other things that do the same thing: smoking (nicotine), driving fast, risky sexual behavior, hyperfocusing (which is concentrating so hard on something we like that we kind of go into a vacuum where we DON'T get distracted by everything - or anything for that matter - and we lose track of time), etc.

So, when on stimulants, our minds are already receiving the blood flow of a closer to normal person and the neurotransmitters are firing closer to a normal persons brain as well. But, there are two main things that get in the way: 1) The dose isn't adequate either in strength and/or duration and so the effects either aren't strong enough to really get us on task or don't last long enough to keep us on task all day. 2) "Old habits die hard".

What I mean by "old habits die hard" is that we've been doing what we're doing for all of our lives. Medication won't stop us from doing it. It only helps us to stop if we retrain ourselves. Medication is just the beginning in ADHD and a lot of people don't follow through with the rest because the effects of the medication are so pronounced.

Imagine only being able to jog for a minute your entire life. Then, you're diagnosed with asthma and given meds. All of the sudden, you can jog for 5 minutes. That seems HUGE to you! It's a 500% improvement! But, if you decided to train your body, you could obviously - over time - run a marathon if you wanted to. It's similar with ADHD. The initial improvement on meds FOR SOME is MINDBLOWING. They're so impressed by it that they don't even think that there's more room to grow because they don't realize how impaired they still are.

But the things you have to do after meds are the most challenging part. It's kind of like physical therapy after an injury. THAT'S the hard part. It's mentally painful to go through this stuff. So, many choose (consciously or subconsciously) not to pursue it.

This may or may not be the case with her. If you think it is, be wary of how (or even if) you approach the subject with her. Keep the physical therapy analogy in your mind should you decide to. Because if you woke up from a coma and were wheelchair bound due to muscular atrophy, how would you take to someone who comes up and says; "if you'd just stand up and practice walking you'd be fine"? It'd probably tick you off

And then also keep in mind that perhaps her meds aren't adequate either in strength and/or duration. And maybe she can't go up to a higher and/or additional dose due to side effects.

So, just because you think there might be room to improve, doesn't necessarily mean there is. So again, tread lightly.

So much for keeping this short...

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD

anonymouslyadd- im trying my hardest to be understanding and to try and be aware of the things she goes through, and about the bedroom situation, thats kind of hard to laugh off because once i do come back she tells me to hold on while she continues to play a pointless game, then wonders why i get frustrated. Its not a good feeling being put on hold for something pointless all the time, especially when it comes to things like that. and thats how i constantly feel, i feel like she is always putting ME on hold, and doesn't know how to prioritize, but claims she has the right priorities.

and another question i have is, what do things like adderrall and ridilin (sp) actually do? because it seems to me like her 30 mg extended release adderrall doesn't do all that much as far as helping her focus or concentrate

I know you think it's pointless. However, it serves her needs greatly. She does not like to not be busy. She does not like to be bored. She's coping with ADD.

Why don't you figure out a way to make the games she's playing as part of foreplay. I mean I think you can think of something. After all, you have the normal brain, and she has the abnormal brain.

[Botzinau]

I don't have time to read the all the posts before me so i apologize if someone has already pointed this out.

You may be smothering your girlfriend too much. She may need space and time to herself, by herself. It sounds from your post that you need lots of affection, which is absolutely fine.

However when your girlfriend tells you she is trying she may just be saying what you want to hear, but really she just wants time alone.

My wife is very much like how you are, always wants to be in the same room with me either touching or talking to me. I enjoy this 90% of the time but I also need my space and my time away from everyone and everything to clear my mind or just waste some time on hobbies i enjoy.

She knows now that i need my space and ill just frankly tell her to leave me alone. She knows I'm not trying to hurt her feelings, I just need my space sometimes.

I absolutely adore and love my wife because of our great communication. We know to be honest with each other even if it may be a little hurtful.

Good luck! It really sounds like you like this girl,

Andrew

[tigerbeat]

Aside from the sex stuff, everything I read here is just like my best friend. It's hard to be friends with her sometimes. I don't understand how she forgets to pick me up or is hours late for things that we've planned. It makes me feel like she doesn't care. She won't keep a job. Right now she is homeless, broke and jobless. She won't take her adderall because she says that she doesn't want to be controlled by a drug. She's in trouble with the law. I'm afraid she's never gonna get it together. She's a beautiful person on the inside and out, I'm worried about where her next move or lack thereof is gonna take her.

[Redrightnow]

Mr. Non-Add- I second watching those videos. I'm new to adhd-dx and so those are new to me as well. I watched some of them last night and thought they were fabulous- especially the relationship ones.

And can I be a mom for a minute and just say, don't let the negative critiques get to you? What are you- 19? You can't be expected to have the skills and information of a 30 yr. old. That's what you do when you're 18-20- try to work out how to relate to each other. Of course you're starting from the viewpoint of how you like to be treated- that's natural.

You're doing fine- very sweet that you would spend time trying to understand her behavior (which honestly- I do almost all of that and I'm an old lady and my husband has had to "work on understanding it" for a lot of years! We laugh a lot and have learned to enjoy each other's quirks)

Get creative! Think about the things that she does respond well to. A summer apart is a chance for growth and making really special memories- letters, videos, small gifts. I can't say she'll do those things for you (I personally have a disconnect between buying the gift/writing the letter and getting it posted) but you could be the romantic guy and make it happen. When you're in a long-term relationship- one of you is usually making more effort than the other one at various times. Maybe right now it's your turn and later, it will be hers (and you'll know it when it's working.)

Good luck to you and your girl!

[Mr Non ADD]

It's cool everybody...
I pushed her too hard and she said she needs space to breathe, so I'm not allowed to talk to her until she decides she's ready to talk to me again...how long that will be I have no idea.

[Contrary Texan]

You may be smothering your girlfriend too much. She may need space and time to herself, by herself. It sounds from your post that you need lots of affection, which is absolutely fine. However when your girlfriend tells you she is trying she may just be saying what you want to hear, but really she just wants time alone.

Couldn't have said it better. I'm ADD, don't always do the Honey, Babe, touchy feeley thing, like my time to myself to think, and don't like being smothered. When I was in high school, my BF would write me a note every day, sometimes twice a day, and slip it through the vents in my locker. We broke up after 6 months because he was just too much, too clingy, too much everything. Got back together 2 years later, mainly just curiosity and free meal on my part, but we started back up, and he was the same all over again. He was in the army and I was in the dorms at college, so the long distance thing was the only thing that kept things interesting. But he wrote every day, sometimes twice or more. He was interesting, good kisser, but b-o-o-r-i-n-g! I was in advanced English and math classes, he was in remedial English and basic algebra. He couldn't keep up with my thinking, but I never said anything about how much I felt he was short sighted on some of his thinking, feeling I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Mr. Non ADD, back off and give her space. If she doesn't call, then she's found something else to keep her occupied. If you stay together, then learn to work around her issues. If you don't want her playing a game or reading a book when you go to the bathroom, then get ready before her and be the one waiting in bed. Don't want her being distracted when you skyyp, then think about how long you're talking, if you are dragging the conversation on and on and on to monotony. Keep the times short, or have something new to show her. To be honest, I got bored reading your post. You sound a bit selfish and whiny. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but if I were her, I'd tell you to take a hike. But I've been around the block a few times more than you, my ADHD son is older than you, and I think he'd say the same thing to you. Also, he had a girlfriend for a short time who is ADHD also, and she was all about her, never made time for him. That lasted about a week before he broke it off. Something to consider.

[stef]

We had a long-distance relationship before we got married it can be difficult because you are thinking of the person, yet not thinking of them in a way which involves any practical details whatsoever. I would write letters in my mind, think of something he would think was funny - but sitting down to actually write them, was difficult. Not to mention actually mailing them (also I wanted them to be perfect, funny and romantic, etc. yikes).

I seriously worried him at one point and then there was a huge delay with the mail because of the holidays and he got really upset.

this is giving away my age, there was no texts or emails, back in 1989!

[skakitty]

I just wanted to say, this thread has been really really useful to me. I'm having the same issues as OP but reading the responses has made me realise it's not my bf's fault, he's not being inconsiderate or loves me any less. Major relief!

[ana futura]

When I was younger, nothing turned me off more than neediness- even though I'm pretty needy myself. I like it when people are disinterested in me, the chase is the best part. The minute someone comes off as too dependent I would get very bored with them. But as soon as they started ignoring me I was interested again!

Ignoring her is probably the best way to get her to come back. Assuming you want her to come back, act like you've moved on. This happened to me and I immediately realized what a terrible mistake I'd made. Unfortunately for me, they really had moved on. That was years ago, and I pity anyone I was ever in a relationship with. I was pretty terrible.

[Shevey]

Originally Posted by Mr Non ADD

Alright I haven't really been exposed to anybody with ADD for a long-term, therefore I don't know how to cope/react to it.

My Girlfriend and I have been officially dating for 5 months, un-officially for 9, we just finished our first year of college where we met the first day and instantly hit it off. Now over summer we hours apart from each other, so seeing each other every day like at school is out of the question, obviously.

She has ADD, she is prescribed to Adderall, and sees a psychologist.
She sets reminders on her phone for things she needs to do.

However there are still things that she does that bother me.
She will agree to text me at a certain time (like when she gets home, or after she does something) then hours after that agreed upon time/act I'll finally text her, and all she can ever say is "I'm sorry, I forgot". Naturally I feel like she is forgetting ME. She says she just forgets the act of texting/calling me and that she is thinking about me. But if she is thinking about me shouldn't it be natural for her to wonder what I'm doing? Or have SOME feeling of wanting to talk to me?

Also she will tell me that she didn't have enough time to send me 1 little message, when the reality of it is that she very well could have, it's not a huge time committing thing to send a simple text.

Once I finally am able to get a hold of her via text it doesn't matter because frequently she will forget to look at her phone to see a message from me, even when we were mid-conversation.

She has NO concept of time whatsoever. If 5 minutes goes by she would have no idea how much time actually passed. She has no idea how long ANYTHING takes. She wears a watch (which apparently isn't too much help).
Whenever I ask her when she did something, or how long it took, she can never even give me a range of time.

This is even more so a problem for me because I am ALWAYS looking at time, and thinking about how long it takes to do this or that.

Since we are so far apart we use Skype to talk/look at each other. I don't do anything else when we skype, I simply sit and focus on her. For some reason she CANT do that, and it bothers me because I feel like I don't have her attention (which I don't because I'll have to repeat things). I ask her to not do other things on her computer, not watch tv, not be playing games, because for the little time we get to talk I want to talk TO her and not AT her. But this seems to be a huge problem, and she can only tell me that she has ADD and cant help it, but if we talk in person she is completely capable of sitting down and just talking.

Finally, if we are in the bedroom and about to start things, I may go to the bathroom for a minute, and I'll come back and she will have her ipod in her hand playing games...which is a HUGE turn off for me, and I've told her this many times, yet she still does it. She literally can't sit for 2 minutes without needed to do something.

Whenever I do tell her that something is bothering me, she is completely oblivious to the fact that she even did anything to bother me, even when it's something she's done before.

I just feel like I put in so much more effort into our relationship because to me she has this nonchalant relaxed attitude where nothing is all that important, including me, and that she just gets to me when she gets to me.

I know these are petty things, but they are everyday little things that shouldn't be that difficult. She sometimes tells me I ask for too much, but I don't feel like I do because I don't ask for huge things, just for her to at least ACT more loving towards me, because often times I don't feel loved, but I still know that she loves me.

We do love each other, and rarely have problems when we are physically together. But for the next 3 months that will hardly ever happen.

I just don't know how to deal with her ADD and accept that things are going to be different with her than I've ever experienced before.

Wow, you could be describing me in a relationship... in my early 20s. It's something that I eventually ... well, I wouldn't say "grew out of" so much as learned to cope with. I wonder, is this her first relationship of this length and depth? If so, then extra patience is definitely going to be needed because she sounds like she needs more time to adjust to your needs. I can't speak for everyone else but I am intensely a creature of habit and it took me a long time to learn to meet my partner's needs. Even when I did learn to do that I still continued to forget things, or seem distant when that wasn't my intention.

You say that these are all everyday things that shouldn't be that difficult but the problem is... for her, they most likely /are/. I would argue that it's very difficult for a person that does not have ADHD to understand what it's like to be someone that does. We're just plain wired differently and it's not easy, but everyone's got their issues, right? Anyway, if you truly do love her and want to stay with her, you may need the patience of a saint until she can adjust to your needs.

That said, you know the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder..." ? Well, at least for me, that's so very true because it's like starting a relationship all over again with my ADHD brain.