ADHD and sexuality?

[seraphynx]

Yeah, without impulsivity, it seems that part of my life would seem boring.

However, I keep that side of me hidden from most of the people I know, due to this country's bizarre puritanical ideals.

[anonymouslyadd]

I guess this might be true for many ADDers. I don't know. I know that I wasn't very comfortable with this component of my life until this past fall.

So, I would say no. I need to be more comfortable with myself first.

[ALifeAffectADD]

Originally Posted by Laurelgardner

In "Driven To Distraction," the authors mention that this is a common thread among ADHD patients. However, they also mention that the other common thread is sort of the opposite of this, repressed sexuality and sexual problems related to difficulty in focusing.

Reading that part of that book was a tremendous relief to me. I've had problems orgasming in front of other people (honestly, nobody has ever acheived this great feat aside from myself). One guy I dated made it a constant issue and didn't believe me when I told him that nobody had ever been able to get me off but myself. He thought it was some issue I had with him. Whatever. My problem is that my brain starts wandering. The reason I can acheive orgasm alone is because I can fantasize, which keeps my brain focused on the current activity. Since I happen to think it's a bit rude to fantasize about something else when you're right there with somebody, I just simply can't focus. It was really upsetting that he made it seem like I was deficient, or something. I'm totally against faking, but I did it one single time with him just to shut him up. LOL I refuse to ever do it again. And at least I understand WHY this is an issue for me, now. I'm curious to see how my brain is on sex now that I'm on medication that helps me focus.

The other side of the coin, like they were stating in the book, is seeking out thrills using sex. Yup, yup. One form of self-medication I have used is BDSM. I adore it because it's extreme and exciting - it keeps me present in the moment.

[Rebelyell]

I dont know whats worse to be seen as a lascivious oversexed person or judged as a virgin?What does a guy do when a woman asks him about his sexual experience wether it be oral,straight up sex or otherwise and he has about no experience?Does he lie and wing it like a true G to maybe being found out later on if he has a chance at the act or does he just come out honest and hope she gives the guy a chance?

[Retromancer]

Fess up -- and then quickly follow with "However I am gainfully employed with a well paying job." That should do it.

Originally Posted by Rebelyell

What does a guy do when a woman asks him about his sexual experience wether it be oral,straight up sex or otherwise and he has about no experience?

[homestead4u]

Originally Posted by Rebelyell

I dont know whats worse to be seen as a lascivious oversexed person or judged as a virgin?What does a guy do when a woman asks him about his sexual experience wether it be oral,straight up sex or otherwise and he has about no experience?Does he lie and wing it like a true G to maybe being found out later on if he has a chance at the act or does he just come out honest and hope she gives the guy a chance?

I would wait until i know the person very well then be honest.. too soon
and you will chase her away if you are player .. if you lie and you are good at it (sex) ... then she will know you lied and it is worse .. this is a touchy matter and if the question has already come up there is a reason probably because she has been cheated on b4 by a player..

[-nyr0c-]

I feel like I have very "adventurous" thoughts (probably not compared to some people's XP)

...but I would never act out on them because I'm shy.

[stoph276]

I was a virgin until my wedding night at 21. It was mostly due to social awkwardness. But like the others in this thread, that doesn't mean I don't have a high sex drive. It was just repressed till marriage. But once the lid was off that box.. woo hoo! Now I'm repressed for a different reason... monogomy. LOL... I will always wonder what it's like to be with someone else. I have come close to cheating a couple times. (all emotional - never got physical). Been to several kinds of strip clubs. Some of those began to cross the line.

So ya... I think ADD is a big factor. The drive is still there on meds. Its just not as prominent.

[ADDinHDefgHi?!]

I was a late bloomer sexually (19) but once I got a taste of it I was blown away at how quickly I grew into this part of myself. I still have trouble balancing it, like everything else I took sex to extremes in every way I could think of, which is really odd considering how shy and introverted I was and still am at times.

I ended up needing sex the way I needed any thing that became part of my daily routine, it replaced exercise for me at that time.

I've realized I prefer being in a relationship with someone I love but on the path to that realization I slept with lots of women, I never even suspected I had it in me. I think it was due to the first girl I slept with, she was very attractive and adventurous in sex and in life. After that fling ended I wasn't afraid anymore, my confidence sky rocketed, it was like a miracle!

I thought I was going to be a virgin forever but, luckily, that wasn't the case. I do realize I'm lucky not to have a kid (with a woman I don't love) or horrible disease, I was careful most of the time but definitely made plenty of bad decisions. I don't think my story is unique in any way though.

Once I fell in love everything changed and I look at sex differently now. No regrets though. I don't know that ADHD had anything to do with it or not, except that I was more open to trying things that lowered my inhibitions and allowed me to try things I wouldn't normally try.

[Joker_Girl]

I lost my virginity when i was probably about 16 or 17, because all my other friends already had. It was to a guy who promised his undying love to me, and that needed me to prove my love back to him by doing this "one little thing". He was lying. He lied about several things, like that it would be really fun and it wouldnt hurt. Fortunately it was over quickly, and i was left wondering what all the fuss was about and irritated that now i was going to have to take a shower. Of course i was not off the hook; then he expected me to "prove my love" all the time, and i was not feeling it.

Later on, when i got in college, I suddenly realized that even though i saw myself as a stupid awkward geek and a fat and ugly loser.....most guys were not seeing me in that way. Because i craved attention and reassurance that i was beautiful and worthy, i became quite the little hose beast. I knew none of them loved me, but it was worth it just to be held and kissed and told lovey things that i wished someone felt about me. Also, the thrill of the chase was quite a turn on. I was flirty and i realize the excitement of taking someone new to bed was something i was getting off on. Knowing that i had someone completely focused on me was intoxicating. Ironically, even though i wanted to be loved, as soon as it was over i wanted them out of my bed and to leave me alone. I wouldnt return calls, i would duck out of bars and parties if i saw one of my conquests, and i was just...im not sure what you call it but i think it rhymes with door. It was always so EXCITING though, to pick up some guy and go home and have crazy drunk wild sex....and have their hands on me for the first time, that was thrilling. After that, well the challenge was over with.

I had a few brief relationships where i thought i was in love....by brief i mean less than 6 months. Generally it would end where the guy would cheat on me, and i would either make a giant scene, or sleep with one of his buddies in jerrry springerish fashion. Then i REALLY fell in love and i wanted to be with him always and it was different because even tho i was...that one thing...with him i did not put out right away......not for months. I sent him love letters (gag) and called him just to say, "i love you" and i wanted him to come to my house after work/class so i could cook roast beef and potatoes and bake pies for him and snuggle in a blanket on the couch. To my chagrin, i realized that i thought of him every waking hour, and couldnt wait til we could be together, in fact i LIVED for evenings we had off so we could be together or weekends. It was what i wanted, but then it also wasnt, i was scared to be vulnerable, i needed to be tough so i didnt get hurt, but GOD i just couldnt help it all i wanted was to freaking be with him every day for the rest of my life and bear his children. So of course we got married. I dont seem to be as addicted to/craving novelty as i used to sexually but once in a while its nice to shake things up a little. And by a little, i mean....really little goofy things......like one time we screwed on the kitchen table. Its a hell of a sturdy table evidently cause we still have it and that was like 15 years ago. Its okay i cleaned it.

I wish he was a little more adventurous because the Sunday night missionary sex at 11:05 pm becomes a little mundane after a while. But i like the security of a long term relationship and that is something when i was younger i never thought would happen, i thought i was damaged goods and incapable of loving a man but i guess i was wrong.

[kilted_scotsman]

Sex is one of those things that's tightly bound up with the culture, peer group and family one grows up in.... which is why I have a problem disentangling my ADDery sexual self from the car crash of sexual/sensual "shoulds" I have learned over the course of my life.

I've been experimenting a bit.... so far there are three strands to this... Tango (the dance) and Tantra. Both these provide info that I can take into the third strand.... Therapy.

Now I am taking things a step further.... experimenting directly with the sensual in a phenomenological way. This is throwing up all sorts of stuff.... which is helping me find out who I actually am sexually and become comfortable with that.

Basically the issues revolve around the conflict that occurs when who we are sexually comes into conflict with what we have been told we "should" be sexually. This conflict is manifested in feelings and behaviours that affect our sexuality in a wide range of ways.... some of them are helpful and allow us to interact with wider society, some of them are very unhelpful......

eg....Joker girls example of the guy who promised undying love in order to get sex... he would have learned that behaviour early in life (we're talking fairy tales and happy ever after here) and the more it was rewarded with sex the more he would use it... possibly confusing even himself and becoming unable to distinguish between love and lust.. which leads to difficulties having a meaningful sexual relationship with anyone, including himself.

kilted

[TheChemicals]

Worse is adhd and sexuality when you shutdown because your bored of it....with the same person.

[Sir5r1]

Originally Posted by TheChemicals

Worse is adhd and sexuality when you shutdown because your bored of it....with the same person.

There's the other side of the coin as well. Couples that are both impulsive excitement seekers can venture into dangerous territory. Open relationships, Swinging and Polyamory for example.

[Rebelyell]

Love isnt sex and sex isnt love..Gee I wish I could find some one that was crazy like that about me and loved me for me and wanted to cook for me like that jokergirl

[Joker_Girl]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs Rebel)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i wish you could, too. I dont know what was different but i met my husband through some of my friends. He's not what id call traditionally "hot", he is quite normal looking. In fact, he looks a great deal like Jack Black. ALOT. But all i knew was he was funny and he treated me (at that time....we've had issues in the past year and are in counseling, so we are getting things back like they need to be) like i was the smartest, funniest, most fascinating woman in the world. And he didnt try to get me in bed. And i didnt want him to. I actually wanted to know him as a human being. We were just best friends, we liked all the same stuff....motorcycles and car races and going fishing and stuff....and before i knew my heart was HIS.....i got scared and tried to break it off, to move on before i got hurt and he was persistent....i called him every day and we were together all the time if i was not in school or at work and he was not at work. He lived 2 hours away and it got where on Fridays if i had off, the day would DRAG, because i couldnt wait to get out of school.....and run up there....i already had my bag packed in the car so i didnt even have to go home....and my dog in the back with food and water and the windows half down so she didnt get hot....i would try to be there when he got home from work and i would practically RUN to him....and i dreaded Monday when i had to go back to school.....LOL....i had class Monday morning at 8, and i would even stay Sunday night and get up at 5 to drive home so i could sleep with him holding me....it was pathetic and lovey dovey. On my weekends i had to work, he did not work weekends, and he would come and stay with me, and i couldnt WAIT to get off work to go home...so we could watch a movie or i could make him cookies....or later on, so we could do the nasty....LOL

At some point we lost a lot of this, and we are in counseling and working HARD to get it back.....he is not as sensitive to my feelings, and there has been great hurt....i feel unloved and stuff a lot....but we are trying and we will make it work. The death of my dad has been AWFUL and he has supported me through it well.....

Little things.....we are trying to do....a kiss every morning before he leaves for work (im stuck at home til i heal from surgery ...a good night kiss.....he texts me in the day from work and tells me he loves me and asks if i need anything when he comes home....the other day he picked me a bouquet of lilacs.....

Its hard but i think we are going to make it though.....ive learned love isnt just a feeling.....its a commitment and a choice and i choose to love my husband and put in the work to fix things....he is too....we are going to counseling and i get very angry with him sometimes but we are trying...

A year ago i did not care, i thought he was a selfish sh*t, I thought he did not love me and I resented him, I dreamed of running away. We are making progress....we have been in counseling, at first once a week, but now, every 2 weeks, since October.....its expensive....but its worth it....because now, i am eager for him to come home from work again...we are starting to enjoy each other again and our time together. Our youngest is almost out of the house, i am 41, he is 48....we are getting older and i want to look forward to our time when it is just us instead of dreading the day our daughter leaves for college.