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OCD or compensation for ADHD/aversion to humans???
My GP seems to think that I've got OCD and slowly I'm wondering if she might be right. I'm not sure if it's heritable but my dad has OCD and I think so does my brother to a mild extent though he doesn't realise it.
I'm so sorry about the length of this post. I'm really just trying to clear my mind, I guess. I'd be very interested though if anyone can relate or has any inputs.
My "OCD" (or whatever it is has three forms:
1. Repeated checking
2. Intense fear of dirt or things I perceive as dirty
1. Repeated checking
This could be anything like checking the car is locked, the handbrake is pulled up, if the house door is locked, oven, hair straightener, documents before submitting them, addresses on envelopes, anything.
I'm not sure if it's OCD though. I check things 3-4 times at the most, rarely more often than that. I think, actually it's a habit that I've developed because I'm so used to making little mistakes, overlooking and forgetting things. I just don't trust myself so I double check everything. And because I'm so absent minded and not really aware of what I am doing, I recheck. For example, I lock the door but while doing that my thoughts are somewhere completely else, so a few minutes later, I don't remember doing it. Sometimes, I try to be more aware but even then I doubt my memory since well, it's not the best.
Strangely since I've started taking Sertraline for my depression (but it's also supposed to help with OCD), this has become much better! I still double check at times but very rarely triple check anything
2. Fear of dirt
This point troubles me more and it's getting worse. It just makes me feel very uncomfortable in my skin and sometimes I get this feeling of despair of how I can live in a world that is so filthy.
It's not really dirt in general, but it's human organic matter that freaks me out. You know, excrements, hair, etc. Anything really that belongs to or has been in contact with other humans. I don't even like touching other people anymore, though this never used to be a problem.
Strangely, the closer the person is to me the less it troubles me. For example, I don't mind my own hair or my husband's (though I don't like it, but it doesn't freak me out that badly). My parents, brother and in-laws or kids in general are still ok too, if they are quite young. Anyone else's dirt I can't deal with. I almost lost one of my best friends because I couldn't deal with his nose picking habit.
I never feel disgusted when I'm outside in nature. I don't mind animal poo at all (except for dog poo maybe because they are so close to humans?). I'll happily roll around on fields with sheep ****. Maybe I'm just so happy when I'm walking in the hills that I don't care? No, I don't think so. It just doesn't seem that dirty to me.
I also don't mind extremely sterile things like plastic as long as it hasn't been in contact with other humans.
It's really just human organic matter that troubles me.
It's not that I don't like humans. I do like and think well of most people. But I do have this strange exaggerated need for space. I need a lot of privacy and I can't spend a lot of time with other humans (except for hubby).
I also wonder if it's got to do with my fear of death. I don't deal well with neither with my own mortality nor that of others. Maybe human organic matter reminds me that we all come with an expiry date. Maybe by trying to be extremely sterile I'm looking for a way out of the natural cycle of all living organisms. Maybe that plays a role in my eating disorder as well??
Or maybe I'm just over analysing things???
Insects by the way wall under this category too for me.
3. Obsessive brooding/inability to let go
I never thought that this could be part of OCD but I've done this for years. I struggle hugely with acceptance. I used to spend a lot of time just brooding about the things that troubled me. I just couldn't stop. Strangely since I've started taking Sertraline, this has actually drastically reduced. The brooding played a huge role in my depression of course but now I've pretty much stopped brooding about depressing thoughts. I still feel bad about the same things but I don't obsess about them anymore.
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