The mood swings are killing me

[homestead4u]

Originally Posted by tudorose

Fuzzy, I'm going to give you some advice that I swear by. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I find this really does help. When I got sick with RRV nearly 9 months I couldn't exercise. Since then I've been trying to find ways that I can. Exercise builds strength and stamina. It releases good endorphins and gets you out of the house. Distraction is a good thing when depressed.

I agree 100 %

[Fuzzy12]

Thanks guys. I don't understand what's happening but the lows are getting lower. I've been in a funk the whole day today. Maybe it's really just that the anti depressants have stopped working.

I don't think I'm bipolar actually. I guess it's the meds. Also, I think, because I've been depressed for so long, the difference between the moods seems so extreme.

I guess what makes the low moods worse is that I'm worried about going back to full time depression. I'm desperately trying to hang on to the better feelings. When I was depressed all the time, it was ok because I didn't know what I was missing and I was convinced that I could never ever feel better again. But now that I've seen a bit of the light, the darkness seems more terrifying. I just can't go back there again.

Tudor, exercise always helps me too. Cardio gives me a kick, which lasts for a few hours but the problem is getting the motivation to go to the gym. I'm being quite active actually these days. I go for a walk every evening after work. I love walking so it doesn't require motivation. I feel ok while I'm walking but it doesn't last long enough unlike proper cardio.

Originally Posted by Bluerose

No matter the degree of your mood swings the important question is are they disrupting your normal everyday life. A doctor can refer you to a Psych-doc for assessment. It does sound a bit more than depression.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist on Monday. I was hoping to get an assessment for ADHD so I'm not sure I should stress the depression too much. I mean, it's possible that all my ADHD symptoms are actually caused by depression but I think, it's unlikely. Even though I'm feeling better the ADHD symptoms haven't improved. Mood wise, the anti depressants are definitely making a difference, maybe I just need a larger dose. I'm also seeing my GP this week so I'll discuss it with her.

But ugggh. Uggh. Ugggh.

[Fuzzy12]

The depression is getting the better of me again. I'm seeing my GP tomorrow. I'll discuss increasing my dose with her. I think that was the plan initially anyway and she just held off because the side effects were bad. I really hope that an increase in dose will help. I'll deal with the side effects. I just don't want to feel this way any more.

It's so strange but till about 3 months ago, I refused to take anti depressants and now I can't wait to get more of them.

It's such an odd sensation when you can feel yourself slipping back into depression but it seems like there is nothing you can do to stop it. It's like fighting against quick sand. But what else can you do? I guess, I can't just give up. Not yet, at least.

[Fuzzy12]

So I told my GP about the mood swings today and she doubled my dose to 100mg. She said that in cases of severe depression like mine she usually prescribes at least 150-200mg and we will probably gradually go up to 150. She said she wouldn't recommend 200mg in my case because apparently I'm too small. I'm not small at all. I'm pretty much average height (5'6'') and though I've lost a bit of weight recently, I'm definitely not thin. I mean, it doesn't matter, I'm happy if I dont' have to take the maximum dose, but sometimes I just don't understand what she is on about.

So I'm hoping that the higher dose will work better. I guess it will. My moods have been becoming worse and worse over the last few days (might be PMS though). Strangely, it seems as if I've lost my tolerance to being depressed. I could handle being depressed earlier. I mean I felt like **** and was barely functional but I'd gotten used to it. Now it freaks me out when I can feel my mood sinking. I guess, I'm just worried to going back to full time depression again.

[Massari]

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12

Just two hours ago, I was on top of the world. I thought I was happy. After 8 years, I actually felt good. I thought maybe I could go back to being normal. Maybe things could be all right again. Unbelievable, huh? I thought it was too good to be true. And that's exactly what it was.

Now, I'm right back here again and it doesn't matter anymore how I felt just a couple of hours ago. It was just a dream. Another unattainable dream. I know that nothing will ever be all right again. It can't be. It shouldn't be. It doesn't really matter how I feel. It isn't real. This is real. This is my reality. If I could just hold on to this. Accept it. Pay my dues without complaining.

It's hope that is driving me insane, that's causing all this confusion. I'm so tired. I don't want to sleep. What's the point. I will have to wake up again. And I don't want to dream anymore. Dreams are meaningless. Like everything else.The anti depressants don't change anything. They just mask the real me. I'm still me. I will always be me. This whining, disgusting, stupid, nasty piece of ****.

Do you really think that the way you feel about yourself has anything to do with what you really are? It's just a bad reaction going on in your brain that can be fixed chemically. Do you have a boyfriend? If you are dominant in your relationship, you can have him tell you how great you are during sex, combined with amphetamine maybe. And if you are submissive or masochist you can tell him to say how disgusting you are during sex. Positively or negatively reinforcing those values is a good idea since they will restore hormonal balance. Just a thought. Try going out too, staying in your home alone makes it worst.

[Fuzzy12]

Ugh. I don't want to feel this way any more. I know, it's not a big deal. I mean, I should be used to feeling depressed. I know, it will pass. But I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I guess, the problem is that I don't actually know if it will pass. What if the better times are the exception? A short respite before it's back to normal. Every time my mood slips, I feel as if this is my reality. As if the better times are just a dream.Truth be told I think I will always be depressed. I don't trust my brain. I don't trust myself. I don't think, I'll ever allow myself to be all right.

[buddy]

Fuzzy, I am so sorry that you are feeling so depressed & I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.I'm 55 & I've had depression my whole life until my doctor diagnosed my constant mood swings 6yrs. ago.She put me on a mood stabilizer & changed my anti-depressant & it wasn't that long that at last I had some relief.Talk to your doctor & stress how badly you are feeling.No one deserves to feel so miserable & there are medications that can help you.It's just all the trying out of the different meds. that I didn't like.Like I said I've had this since I was a child & I finally went to a psychiatrist who wasn't afraid to prescribe different meds. until after I finally found a combination that worked.Hang in there.
(((HUGS)))

[Bluerose]

Like buddy, I wish I had more to offer. I too have accepted the depression to be a part of who I am now.

Try distracting yourself, long walk, soak in the tub, play puzzle games, watch funny movies - whatever. Just refuse to let it beat you. You’re in charge of it - it’s not in charge of you. Kick depression’s butt!!!!

[Fuzzy12]

Thanks, guys. I think that's exactly what I have to do. It's not enough just popping the anti depressants and expecting things to be automatically rosy. I know what depresses me and I know what makes me feel better. I guess, the job of the anti depressants is to help me to a stage where I can help myself.

I felt so crappy yesterday but then I did a bit of exercise and that really helped. It doesn't always help but usually doing something productive makes me feel better. At least it stops me from wallowing in self pity. Not always but it's always worth a try, I guess. It's a constant battle and I guess, I just have to accept that some of them I will lose. I guess, my aim shouldn't be to always feel good but to better more and more often.

Originally Posted by Bluerose

Like buddy, I wish I had more to offer. I too have accepted the depression to be a part of who I am now.

Try distracting yourself, long walk, soak in the tub, play puzzle games, watch funny movies - whatever. Just refuse to let it beat you. You’re in charge of it - it’s not in charge of you. Kick depression’s butt!!!!

[kuhan1923]

Get off the medications and make your dreams come true. Nothing else matters, nothing else will make you happy.

Trust me on this, just trust me.

[Fuzzy12]

Originally Posted by kuhan1923

Get off the medications and make your dreams come true. Nothing else matters, nothing else will make you happy.

Trust me on this, just trust me.

Kuhan, I spent 8 years with pretty severe depression - unmedicated. I couldn't make my dreams come true. I considered myself lucky when I made it through a day without thinking I should be dead. Except for the pain and everything I lost, nothing mattered and nothing made me happy. I was so miserable that I didn't even want to be happy.

I still wouldn't say I'm happy but just a few months ago if anyone had told me that I'd ever feel even just as good as I'm feeling now, I would have thought they were dreaming. Untreated depression is a nightmare and I'm not going back there. At least not voluntarily

[markadd]

Originally Posted by kuhan1923

Get off the medications and make your dreams come true. Nothing else matters, nothing else will make you happy.

Trust me on this, just trust me.

Then how would you explain people who are living their dreams and suffer from depression?

Don't worry Fuzzy things will get better... sometimes these things just have to run their course.

[Bluerose]

It comes and goes. I found getting things done when I feel strong and treating ‘down times’ as a rest period helped. The thing is not to beat yourself up. 1 in 5 people suffer from depression at some point in their life.

Meds can help through bad episodes, and going med free when you feel strong enough is quite empowering. It also gives you a clearer picture of what is going on and allows you to see what really needs your attention.

Taking care of yourself is definitely a priority - It’s not selfish to learn what you need it’s self-awareness. Like they say, you can’t presume to take care of anyone else until you have taken care of yourself.

Remember the rule on aircraft? In the event of a drop in air pressure you must put your mask on first and then your child’s because the child needs you to be okay.

[Tabbycat]

Fuzzy12, did you get screened for ADD? You mentioned it in an earlier post - I'm just curious...
I have severe depression, anxiety, and ADD. My dr & I think we may have the depression & anxiety meds in a decent place. I'm taking Adderall 30mg XR daily in the am, but feel a definite slipping effect w/my mood as the day ends. By night, I'm a mess. He wants me to try 2 a day - 1 am, 1 early pm. The few days I've remembered the second dose it has helped a lot.

Not sure if that input is helpful - just my thoughts. Might be worth being checked for ADD (& bipolar?) just in case...
hugs,
Tabby