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Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

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  #61  
Old 02-20-10, 03:54 PM
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Re: Are there ANY happy and positive NT/ADD relationships?

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Originally Posted by hceuterpe View Post
I've heard of so many marriages that disintegrate with couples who were collectively trying to "Keep Up with the Joneses" Money, big house, the nuclear family, etc. The dream, or like some sort of familial perfection so to speak. Well suppsedly the Jones family is also flawless, full of NTs (whee new acronym!) and free of addiction issues. The moment some form of issue arises that taints this picture perfect existence, one of them considers it a burden and doesn't want to deal with it as a couple, especially if it's rooted in the other partner. No give, no take. No compromise, etc.

In a picture perfect marriage with this collective mentality would never build a bond between a couple, vs another going through life together dealing with imperfections (which makes us human, btw), and dealing with the crap and hard times, together, too.
lostranslation: I'm happy to say, seems those experiences were building blocks to a mutually strong, lasting marriage!
You have hit on an issue that truly has disastrous effects on a marraige. The dream vs the reality. This takes place in most marraiges but it takes on an extreme form at times when you add ADHD to the mix.

The ability to create bonds is based on so many things, acceptance, willingness to confront problems head on, taking responsibility for what you're contributing. When a partner is contributing unrealistic and ungrounded criteria for happiness it's going to be a disaster.

Those of us with ADHD are forced by our circumstances to deal with some unhappy realities, notions of keeping up with the Jones's are often such a distant ideal that we've had to confront these ideals with a pragmatic view. Happiness does not have a formula even tho our culture continues the fantasy that it does. Despite all evidence that chasing the narrowing margins of success is both self and socially destructive people are reluctant to let go of a failing and unhealthy ideal to embrace a reality that requires redefining for yourself the meaning of success and happiness.

It's often very sad to see many of the non-adhd partners continuously throwing themselves against the brick wall of how things should be when reality has dictated otherwise. It's sad seeing the bitterness and blame projected on to their partner because they just cannot let go of the fantasy ideal.

This refusal often starts a reaction formation whereby the ADHD partner retreats more and more, followed by a spouse who in turn feels defeated and stymied fueling the bitter anger that feels cheated out of what should have been and lose the opportunity of discovering what could be.

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Originally Posted by Bishop72 View Post
My partner just logged onto that non-add forums site and she started to cry. She asked me "Is this going to be our lives?". I had no idea what to tell her aside from "Honey, you can't base our experience with this upon someone elses experience, especially ones who's first order of business is to get online and complain about all the negatives". It sent her for a loop and since we've already been having difficulties with finances, health, stress, my ADD etc etc etc, this was yet another straw on the camels back.

I'm not sure how to explain things to her as I'm pretty new to this too and my ADD I believe, still isn't taken entirely seriously.

It's one of the problems having an invisible disability brings. Your partner can't see it so there's the risk that it gets minimized or suspicion that it's being used as an excuse. Some sites on the net are trying to be helpful but in the end it's really hard to see if they are or not.

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Originally Posted by ADHDTigger View Post
Let us at her. While I understand that this is a place of relief for you, she would probably get a lot of relief from people like Lady Lark and WifeandMom and several others here. I try to avoid the non-add forums site. Any time I have tried to read anything there, I have come away feeling like the worst person on earth. I have come to believe that the place is just toxic in general.


We DO have a private forum here that Lady Lark moderates. That might be a helpful solution as well. As an ADHDer, you are not able to get that password. She might find that a place of safety where she can open up freely. By the same token, there is a similar place for us ADHDers in Relationships and Social Issues.
I am very grateful for the non-adhd locked up partner forum. It provides a place where words don't have to be carefully chosen and a much needed venting place.

I do feel that both partners need to be treated similarly. Everyone needs to take responsibility for things they say.
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  #62  
Old 04-10-10, 11:23 PM
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Re: Are there ANY happy and positive NT/ADD relationships?

There are so many types of ADD and degrees of NT that this question is impossible to answer. What I love most about my ADD partner is that he and his spontaneous ways free me up to do and be more than my cautious, practical nature would ever allow. We balance each other out...when we're not at each other's throats. I would really miss that.
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Old 06-09-10, 03:23 PM
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Re: Are there ANY happy and positive NT/ADD relationships?

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Originally Posted by hopeful2 View Post
There are so many types of ADD and degrees of NT that this question is impossible to answer. What I love most about my ADD partner is that he and his spontaneous ways free me up to do and be more than my cautious, practical nature would ever allow. We balance each other out...when we're not at each other's throats. I would really miss that.
I feel similar. I love that my gf balances out my sometimes overly logical mindset and the fact I sometimes find it hard to think "outside the box". Because of this she brings out the fun silly side of me that often isn't visible to most people as well as helping me think in ways I previously wouldn't
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Old 06-09-10, 05:45 PM
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Re: Are there ANY happy and positive NT/ADD relationships?

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Originally Posted by Paultq View Post
I feel similar. I love that my gf balances out my sometimes overly logical mindset and the fact I sometimes find it hard to think "outside the box". Because of this she brings out the fun silly side of me that often isn't visible to most people as well as helping me think in ways I previously wouldn't

I was gonna say!! They say that opposites attract. That might have been true for my husband and I. I complain about him and all. He's the ADD that doesn't know it, I SWEAR I have OCD (at least tendencies). But I did not know about his ADD until we got married and responsibilities starting tilting more and more on MY shoulders!

Well, before the marriage, we were attracted to each other. Me to his spontaneity, for example, he to my calm and thoughtful nature, he says.

Now, I think that we NEED each other's little annoying squirms - without my level headedness the bills wouldn't get paid, the house would fall down from filth. Without his spunk for life, we would have super boring vacations, we would get the worst deals for gadgets....

BUT WAIT, He has not been diagnosed or treated, out of his own denial, so, don't think that our life is all roses and rainbows! The tilting is weighing VERY heavy on my shoulders, but I KNOW that I have to do it at his own pace. Support him and all that. I just wanted to share my few cents about the original post regarding NTs (what does this stand for anyway?) and ADDers.
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  #65  
Old 06-09-10, 05:55 PM
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Re: Are there ANY happy and positive NT/ADD relationships?

NT means Nuero Typical or Normal Thinker
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  #66  
Old 03-09-12, 07:46 PM
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Re: Are there ANY happy and positive NT/ADD relationships?

First of all, I should say, I am not officially diagnosed yet, but 90% surely ADD inatenttive.
I can also mention, for the sake of managing relationships with mental disorders, that I suffer from major depression, OCPD, avoidant personality disorder and a dose of social anxiety too..

My girlfriend - now fiance - has been with me during ALL the hard times, and I have been thinking one too many times that "she must be doing this for some other reason than love, how can anyone possibly stand me".
I mean, It is not easy for me to "give" to anyone - and a relationship is a give-and-take thing, right?

We have anyhow been fighting a lot LESS lately, and I think the reasons are that I am really speaking a lot to my gf, trying to explain myself and why I do like I do. I also try to show her that I am trying to get better and I think this helps both me and her to stay motivated and not "give up"... Another reason is because I force myself to show the emotions I feel for her openly - even though I suffer from OCPD (which is limiting emotional responses).


Actually, I am still not sure why the heck she says with me.
I guess it is because I am "special", I am her "super man", can be very charming, funny and inspirational and full of energy... when I am having a good day. Which is not often :P!
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Old 03-09-12, 10:45 PM
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Re: Are there ANY happy and positive NT/ADD relationships?

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Originally Posted by Crazygirl79 View Post
I'm a person whose had a few bad experience with NT/ADD relationships and I tend to shy away from them (I've even said in the past that I'd NEVER date an NT again but I also realise that you can never say never and somethings change) but all I keep seeing on this forum from NT's (mostly women I've noticed) and some ADDers as well are posts that are negative, depressing, critical, judgemental and at times down right nasty and this naturally makes people angry, sad then they get on the defensive and some of us have been stupid enough and stupid being the operative word to engage in this NT vs ADD crap which ultimately ISN'T helpful and nor does it achieve anything in the long run so I of all people have decided to create this thread to give NT' and ADDers the opportunity to discuss anything they like about the POSITIVES of NT/ADD relationships and marriages. So if anyone has a HAPPY story that they'd like to share then by all means share it!!
Yes. It deoendsvjow open .inded the orher person is and how open you are to dealing with the most obvious annoying tendencies you have.

Relationships take work
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Old 03-10-12, 10:13 AM
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Re: Are there ANY happy and positive NT/ADD relationships?

my DH and I function pretty OK... we're getting better now that I'm medicated though. Communication was and is a massive thing for us. He expects me to react "normally" and I expect him to understand what's going on inside my head. It only took us 5 years to figure out that just wasn't realistic. Only recently have I been trying to give him glimpses inside my mind and I think it's helping- although I can't tell who it is helping more. I feel a lot less judged though, and I don't snap at him as often.

Or it could just be new meds I'm on too...
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Old 03-10-12, 11:30 AM
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Re: Are there ANY happy and positive NT/ADD relationships?

My hubby "gets it" pretty darned well and he's very supportive. We've been through rough patches, but we've worked out most of the kinks at this point. We've been married for 16 years.
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Old 04-19-12, 07:29 AM
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Re: Are there ANY happy and positive NT/ADD relationships?

I know that I have a very positive relationship with my boyfriend, who has ADD. For both of us it is our first proper relationship and we'll soon make it to the 9 month mark. He is the sweetest, kindest, most gorgeous guy and I love him a lot. That probably doesn't get said as much as it's really felt within these forums because it seems to be human nature that we only turn to each other for help and advice when we have a problem we need to discuss. But of course we shouldn't take for granted the parts of our relationships which work really well, we should shout about them and remind each other of them, which is why this thread is brilliant!
As for practical tips or anything, I'd say the only main commitment my boyfriend and I made early on was to be totally, totally honest with each other. Even when it meant being rude or downright insulting. This only works because we both understand that actually we really care about each other and therefore don't WANT to say these things which will hurt the other person, and as far as possible we try to stay open and non-defensive so that we can really understand what the other person is saying.
ADD has become a recent focus for us in talking about our relationship as both of us only recently learnt a lot of the facts about it. There are a lot of ways that it affects him and me, including in negative ways. But because we have communication I don't feel scared that it will ever threaten our relationship. Believe it or not we've actually never had a proper, yell-and-get-really-angry, shout-and-throw-things argument. I know that without honesty we would have never managed that.
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Old 06-15-12, 02:35 PM
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Re: Are there ANY happy and positive NT/ADD relationships?

I (NT) have been with my ADHD husband for almost 5 years. We were married about 3 months ago. (February 29-he only has to remember our anniversary every 4 years!)

I realized I was experiencing something different in our relationship within the first couple of months we were together. After some research, I discovered that my DH's behavior was consistent with ADHD (undiagnosed/untreated). I read books and other materials and learned the basics about this condition. Then I found these boards and that's when my learning really started!

I am in my 40s and he is in his 50s and neither of us had been married before. Being single for so long allowed us to pursue whatever careers, education and interests without compromise. It also enabled us to discover what we will and won't tolerate/celebrate in a relationship. I think that's gone real far in making our relationship successful.

Keeping it successful, like any relationship, requires work. Because of ADHD, part of my "work" is adapting to his ADHD since he can't adapt as well to my NT. Part of his "work" is tolerating my NT characteristics. Successfully dealing with each others characteristics is a part of any relationship, regardless of the of neurology of the partners.

Key for me has been education. I think it's critical for me to know as much as possible about ADHD in order to modify my own responses/reactions in an appropriate way. Book-learning about it is helpful but I think the practical information I find on these boards is even more helpful. (So thank you!)

As in any relationship, communication is key along with respect, understanding, kindness and compromise. All relationships have challenges. I love my husband more than anyone on the planet. He's the kindest, most loving man I know. He's fun, creative, romantic, caring, generous and spontaneous. Those are qualities I celebrate.

He's also forgetful, impulsive, anxious and he tends to procrastinate. Those are characteristics that can by trying at times but I can think of many traits that are much worse and more damaging.

I also have qualities that he celebrates and characteristics that get on his last nerves. But, we're highly compatible and we work to maintain our wonderful relationship.

Relationships amongst humans are messy, challenging and ever-evolving. Realizing that and working to make them as positive as possible can reveal that they're also rewarding, healing and hopeful.
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