Tired of being a bad wife.

[Spacemaster]

I haven't got much to add, except that this: Don't be afraid to be a single mom. Yes, it's terribly tough sometimes, but you might be rather surprised at how good it feels to be free from all the bulls***.

Just imagine, having nobody around to have to please, to have to live up to their expectations, to "give" them sex. Happy happy joy joy!

I'm a single mom, and it's worth it. I'm not sorry at all. Worried about uprooting kids? Kids are resilient. A change of location won't screw them up THAT bad. Bearing witness to an unhealthy relationship just might. You don't want them growing up believing that this is how a marriage functions.

[Flia]

Just a reminder: it has to be a counselour who knows ADHD.

Good luck with the talk.

[crystal8080]

ok. here's my update and its not great.

I had 'the talk' with him. I told him how much it bothers me when he comes home and gets anxious and starts cleaning for like 1/2 hour before he'll do anything else. He said that its his problem not mine. He said he's always been that way since he was a little kid, things have to be a certain way. I made it clear to him that it makes ME anxious. That I have to get the house in order before he gets home so he doesn't get mad, and I get double the anxiety because I can't. How I can't relax when he's home because I feel like I have to be doing something. I've most certainly told him all this before, but maybe he heard it this time.

He said I don't care about him. I don't do anything for him. I don't buy anything for him. I don't think about him. So I said, what am I supposed to buy you? You don't have any interests. You don't have any hobbies. You don't collect anything. You don't do anything but work. I guess it is true, but I'm just so overwhelmed I forget, or I think why bother. He never likes anything I get him anyway.

Again he said that if I planned things then he would do them with me. Apparently that one is up to me. He said why should it be all up to him. I guess he feels like he has to do everything, so maybe I will start planning things and just tell him he's going. I don't know how that will go, but its something I suppose. I told him watching tv with someone is NOT spending time with them. Its not. You are just staring at the idiot box together.

I told him we should go to a marriage counsellor. He agreed, but his first response was it better be a woman. That's his way of saying he won't knock out the counsellor if she's a woman. Charming.

(Then he told me a story about how he almost got in a fight with someone at the grocery store parking lot. He told some guy that he shouldn't park in the handicapped spot. He asked where his handicapped sticker was, the guy said someone in the back was handicapped.
DH: Well, is she going in?
Guy: No.
DH: Well then move your car.
Guy: A******
DH: Call me an a****** again and you are going to need a handicapped sticker.
Then he stood there until the guy moved his car.
You may think what he did was right, or you may think its wrong, all I can think about is my husband is almost fighting in grocery store parking lots.)

I also told him I want him to learn about ADHD. He would have watched a video last night, but of course, I have dial up and the video was just not going to happen. I gave up on it.

We have been getting along pretty well since then, until this morning.

[crystal8080]

This morning was Pirate Day (and the last big day) at my kids playschool and he dad said he was coming. I forgot to set the alarm, woke up at 9 instead of 7. I got up got ready, and got the kids ready as fast as I could. I was completely overwhelmed and was trying as hard as I possibly could to contain my emotions. Of course I'm absolutely terrible at it. He's acting like 'what is WRONG with you', muttering under his breath, like WHY CANT YOU CONTROL YOURSELF. He went and had a bath, didn't help me.

I got to the school and was again trying to keep myself together. Other moms are like you need some help? Trying to get my daughter to do the treasure hunt and watch my son at the craft table, I was not in control. I was mad he was taking his time getting to the school.

He got there and helped take one while I took the other. Made some pirate hooks, swords. Kids were running around everywhere, not just the designated area they are ALWAYS allowed to run in. I'm trying to correct her, but its hard when no one else is correcting theirs! I told DH, you can't tell her to stop, its not going to happen. But of course his attitude is she should be able to tell all the kids to be good. I'm trying to teach her not to be bossy!!!! So there's our daughter telling all the kids what to do. Just great. That's how 5 year olds make friends. NOT.

Then she didn't want to stand up in circle when the teacher said to, then he barked at her that it was enough and she was going to the car. She started running away from him. Then in front of everyone said YOU DEAL WITH HER. So I stopped her and brought her back to the circle, got her to stop crying and join in with the other kids.

Then he says what's her problem. I said i don't know maybe you scared her?! (And she doesn't want to go!!) I mean wow she didn't get a warning or anything. Then he got cranky and went to the car to get something. Came back, helped get them in my car then left without saying goodbye.

I mean wow these kids aren't even in school yet. Usually my daughter is a good kid, very helpful in class, gets along with other kids (as long as she isn't bossy) everyone thinks she's ready for kindergarten. Am I a b****? Absolutely. Im just so angry I needed to get it out.

[CheekyMonkey]

It makes me sad that he sees you suffering and instead of helping, he is angered by it.

[crystal8080]

It makes me sad too. But we are doing much better now. I am currently looking for a marital counsellor.

http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...hlight=barkley

[addhousewife]

Hi there, I'm new here. I feel compelled to post because I'm on my second marriage, and yours sounds a lot like my first. Needless to say, my first marriage ended, and we did have one child together (now happily married with two children after spending several years as a single mother). My ex is a really nasty person, I knew this when we split, but it got even worse after that. Anyway, my 2 cents? First, try to work things out if possible. There is a lot going on in your situation and I know you're frustrated/anxious/depressed, comes with the territory. Sounds like his illness(es) created a rift of miscommunication -- happened to my BIL and his wife and they are now doing better, thank goodness. Also, your instinct that he doesn't seem to love/appreciate you for you and is instead trying to change you with his constant complaints hits the nail on the head -- obviously, that's not a good sign, neither is his blatent disrespect for you. No way to tell if your marriage will get better, but it's definitely sick. If you're both willing to work on it, it can be saved - the key word is "both." Second, don't be afraid to be a single mom, you can do it. Seems hard to believe now, but your kids will give you strength. Third, you personally are going through a tough time right now and I would advise focusing more on yourself. Maybe he'll respond positively and you'll end up with a happy marriage, or you'll decide that if he couldn't stand beside you when things get tough then he's not a worthy life companion. Either way, take care of you and for your own sake (of course your children benefit, too ) Anyway, now that I know what a good marriage looks like I can say it's one where no one keeps tabbs of who's doing what, you both work towards having a happy family, to your own ability, and loved for who you are, not what you can do for the other person.