if i didn t have depression

[Fuzzy12]

I wouldn t have anything at all. Just another meaningless empty life. I ve had two abortions. I can t recover from that. I want my child back. Nothing else matters. I m sorry. I m so sorry.

[Blueranne]

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12

I wouldn t have anything at all. Just another meaningless empty life. I ve had two abortions. I can t recover from that. I want my child back. Nothing else matters. I m sorry. I m so sorry.

Oh dear dear Fuzzy..... Im so sorry you are feeling this way. I know you arent saying "Im sorry" to me, but I still want to let you know that it will be ok. Depression is a serious health issue. I hope you are in therapy. If not please look into that option. Many women experience PTSD following abortions. I would suggest looking for a therapist who is familiar with this.

((((hugs))))

Feel free to PM me if you ever would like some one on one support. I would be happy to be there and help you if I can.

[anonymouslyadd]

(((((hugs)))))

[crystal8080]

(((((((hugs))))))))

[Unmanagable]

(((((((((((((Huge Hugs))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you're hurting so deeply, Fuzzy. I truly understand. I was fearful of sharing this when I responded to the poll about wanting kids, but it's time to kick fear's a**. I'm so used to the agressive, non-forgiving attitudes and negative reactions I've received from people in real life regarding the issue that I figured why put myself through that. But as our lovely sarah would say, f*** a bunch of fear!


I had an abortion when I was 16. I never told anyone in my family and only a couple friends at the time knew. At that time, you didn't have to have parental consent.

Promiscuity kicked into turbo right after my 13th birthday when a much older cousin decided he was going to introduce me to sex as a b-day present. I never told anyone about that either.


I got pregnant by a black guy that I had been sneaking around to "date"(my family had pretty strong racist attitudes), I was 16, he was 19 (they would have had him arrested in a heartbeat), he was about to move away to go to school, I couldn't go with him, I had been told all my life I'd be put out on the street and disowned if I ever got pregnant, I had absolutely no one I felt I could turn to, and I was scared sh**less. I'll never forget that day in the clinic as long as I live.


Later, when I was 21, I was in a physically abusive relationship and became pregnant again. I started having severe abdominal pains at the end of the second month, which is how I learned I was even pregnant, and found out it was an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. Had it burst, it would have been fatal for me. They had to do emergency surgery and remove the fetus. The bas**** I was with kept telling me I must have been sleeping around since I lost the baby and that god was punishing me for being a ****, etc. My fallopian tubes had been damaged pretty badly(I'm assuming during the abortion) and after the surgery, it was explained to me that I would no longer be able to get pregnant.


I went thru several really deep and dark depressive episodes reflecting on those two events and blamed myself, repeatedly kicked my own a** over it, etc. for a LONG time. I was convinced I was being punished for having the abortion and that I sucked as a human being.


People speak out very angrily and strongly against abortions and that makes anyone who has ever gone through it very hesitant to ever want anyone to know, much less ask for help. It damn sure wasn't/isn't easy to find a sympathetic ear in this little bible belt type of town. All of that pain and hurt remained inside and festered for years.


There'll come a day when you'll be able to accept that you made the decisions you made at that time because you felt you HAD to. No one ever really taught me options, I was just always told of the endless negative consequences to expect "if I ever".


I feel that the universe, or god, or the flying spaghetti monster, or who or whatever was actually looking out for the baby, and if others choose to look down on me, then so be it. I don't need those non-compassionate a**holes in my life anyway.

It still hurts like hell and I often wonder "what if", but I was finally able to realize and accept that I was only doing what I felt I had to do to survive at the time.


Try to take all of that pain and hurt you're feeling and turn it into BIG LOVE towards yourself and let your heart slowly heal. Talk to someone. We're all here for you. You did the best you could at the time. You are definitely not alone, dear heart.


(((((((((((((Hugs and Love))))))))))))))

[anonymouslyadd]

Fuzzy,

I just wanted to say that we'll always be here for you.

[silivrentoliel]

(((((hugs)))))

[Amtram]

Fuzzy, put it out of your mind. It's not something you did wrong, it was the right thing to do at the time, or you wouldn't have done it.

I had an abortion at 19, and while I felt some measure of guilt for a while afterwards, it didn't bother me nearly as much as when I was trying to start a family years later and had two miscarriages followed by three years of infertility. Yes, when you're thinking you want a baby, those abortions you had in the past seem like missed opportunities. They're not. It was the wrong time, or the wrong partner, or the wrong circumstances, or the wrong stage of your life. You would not be the kind of mother to these babies that you will be to a child you really want and plan for.

When you're depressed, it's nearly impossible to keep things like this in perspective, but you really need to. I know what's going on in the life of the father of the fetus I aborted (it was only three weeks old - I wasted no time. . .) and I know that my life and the lives of the children I did have eventually are far better than what would have happened if I hadn't aborted.

[Fraser_0762]

I'm sorry you feel so down Fuzzy.

But we all have to live with the choices we make, regardless of how low they can make us feel.

Everything you've done up until now is in the past, the past can't be changed. All you can do is look ahead now, the future is the only thing you can change, so theres no point lookng back and doubting past decisions.

I know its hard, but you've got to look on so you can create a better future for yourself.

[CheekyMonkey]

(((hug)))