Vent: I am ready to strangle my husband

[Sandy4957]

Kilted's posts are always so insightful...

Ok, so the whole "I can't be happy until we leave Arkansas" thing is a giveaway, it seems to me.

He sounds like my brother, who has pretty much NEVER been satisfied with his life.

The problem is that he's locked into thinking of some faraway future in which he'll be allowed to be happy. But that future will never come. Let's say you moved to your dream location tomorrow. What then? Would he be happy without the dream job? Would he be happy if he incurred debt to do these things? Would he be happy with/without children? If you had children, would he be happy while they're little?

From how my brother has been, the answer to all of the above is no. There will always be something out of reach, some unattainable goal that exists off in the hinterlands, the lack of which explains (justifies) his current unhappiness.

Now, mind you, I am not judging this fact about your hubby and I don't judge it in my brother. It would be extremely unfun to be locked into what they're locked into. And I "get" why they have the problem that they do. But it's something that requires a paradigm shift. They can't "see" what you're trying to tell them, which is frustrating. And if you're on the receiving end of that persistent low mood (as my brother's ex-girlfriend was), it can also spill over into your own feelings about yourself, which isn't good. (My brother, for example, does not affect me this way. But if my hubby were like him, I've no doubt that it would. In fact, there was a period when my hubby was a bit like him, and it unquestionably DID affect me then.)

It's not you, Silven. It's called dysthymia and articles talk about how it's difficult to treat because the patient has lived with a low-grade depression long enough that they think that that's just their lot in life.

My brother gets upset if you even suggest that he's depressed (even though he's had all the signs for years), because it makes him feel like you're saying that he's defective, and he doesn't want to try to change anymore. He's exhausted and can't see any other way.

The key is in that future thinking. It's the "I'll be happy when [fill in the blank]" part that we're a bit hard-wired to do (because we need to set goals), but our brains are poor predictors of the future.

People like your hubby (and my brother) have to learn to have goals as GOALS, and not measure their current situation against some hypothetical perfect life. They need to learn to allow themselves to be happy regardless of circumstances.

When I say stuff like that to my brother, he hears it as criticism, as in, he thinks that I'm saying that he has nothing to be unhappy about. And he agrees with that, because he knows that there are many people who are far worse off. But that just makes him feel like he is even more "defective" because he feels guilty for still having this persistent low mood.

But the point isn't that he's whining. It's that happiness is synthesized. It's not something that comes from external events or things. It's a brain state. A guy on death row can be happy. (Most probably aren't, but they could be.) Very poor people can be very happy. Paraplegics can be happy. People who win the lottery can be unhappy.

I'm not saying this well, here, because I sound like I'm suggesting that people should accept their lots in life, but that's not the point.

There's a great TED program on this. I'll dig that up 'cause the professor explains it far better than I'm doing here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q1dgn_C0AU

[tudorose]

When my DH had the "everything will be better when...." attitude he used to be grumpy all the time.

Then one day after the train had broken down again I impulsively said "lets buy bikes and ride to work".

Now he's happier, healthier, fitter, more emotionally stable and a better support to me.

Maybe he needs some good hard exercise to get the frustration out. Get him a bike so he can take it out on the road.

[silivrentoliel]

Sandy, I'm not going to quote everything you said, because it's long, but I think you nailed it. It sounds *just* like him. I've suggested depression, docs have tried to prescribe meds, but he refuses.

Originally Posted by tudorose

When my DH had the "everything will be better when...." attitude he used to be grumpy all the time.

Then one day after the train had broken down again I impulsively said "lets buy bikes and ride to work".

Now he's happier, healthier, fitter, more emotionally stable and a better support to me.

Maybe he needs some good hard exercise to get the frustration out. Get him a bike so he can take it out on the road.

We have bikes, and he does sometimes go ride for hours, but hasn't this summer... he's a bit apathetic right now. I'm not real sure what outlet will help him other than tossing him out in the middle of no where. He loves fishing, but he'd rather go with a guy than with me (broken toes and all)- and none of his friends are guys he feels "close" enough too.

[Raye]

Sorry Siliv, I'm not trying to hijack your thread (ha, Deja vu?)

but @ Spunk-

Was your friend in the car with you or did you travel in separate vehicles? Was his "niceness" coincidental with having others around, while the jerkiness was when it was just you and him?


My ex was this way... he was mentally abusive and a jerk in private. Only nice when others were around.

Not saying at all Siliv that your DH is abusive- I just wanted to comment on Spunk's remark.

[silivrentoliel]

Originally Posted by Raye

Sorry Siliv, I'm not trying to hijack your thread (ha, Deja vu?)

but @ Spunk-

Was your friend in the car with you or did you travel in separate vehicles? Was his "niceness" coincidental with having others around, while the jerkiness was when it was just you and him?


My ex was this way... he was mentally abusive and a jerk in private. Only nice when others were around.

Not saying at all Siliv that your DH is abusive- I just wanted to comment on Spunk's remark.

HIJACKER!!!



Haha, I don't mind, you know that

DH may have abusive tendencies sometimes, but I am a button pusher and a total brat. Add that to someone who doesn't want her man fighting her battles and can stand toe to toe with the retired Chief Master Sergeant grandpa of the family and not flinch, and it makes for an interesting confrontation, lol.

But no, DH is a total *** to EVERYONE if he's in a mood (which he is more often than not). For a while, he'd just be quiet around everyone if he was in a foul mood, now he enjoys being a sarcastic ***. I actually think it's pretty amusing, even when he's that way too me. I am very proud of him that he finally grew a backbone rather than just taking it. (Granted, he grew this backbone about 4 years ago, but I still am very happy he did!)