Do Adders have more unstable relationships?

[splinter]

I was interested in the thoughts of others as to if being in a relationship with someone with ADD was a threat to the success of that partnership. Are more divorces/split ups experienced with us as life is so different with us than others. My ex-wife thought she could change me but that was not to be and I don't blame her for leaving as I get on my own nerves with some of the weird things I do. I look forward to your replies.

[keliza]

I know this isn't the question you asked, but just a comment, I don't think your relationship with your ex-wife failed because of your ADHD. I think it failed because your wife thought she could change you. Any relationship predicated on one person believing they can change the other person into something more desirable is destined to fail, ADHD or no.

I was in a relationship like that, and looking back I realize that there was nothing wrong with me that precipitated the end of that relationship. The problem wasn't that I had XYZ issues going on; the problem was that my ex entered into the relationship thinking he could change the things about me he didn't like. Any relationship that is built on the foundation of, "I like you okay, but I will like you better when I am able to change (insert issue) about you" is bound to fail, IMO, unless that "thing" is something that BOTH parties in the relationship want to change.

To answer your question, I personally have not experienced instability in my interpersonal relationships due to ADHD. Even with the previous relationship I just talked about, my ex and I are still very good friends, we speak on a weekly basis and I still love him dearly. He realized that he should have never tried to change me. We came to the decision that we were great as friends, but would never work out as lovers. We are both very happy with our friendship, and have been for years.

The majority of my relationships with others--romantic relationships or friendships--tend to be very long-term. Some of my very best friends to this day are people who I have been friends with since elementary or middle school. Even when my romantic relationships don't work out, I remain friends with those people (always have, every single one) because I guess they still like me enough to want to be my friend, even if we aren't romantically involved anymore.

I don't send relationships up in smoke and I very rarely burn bridges, it's just not my style. My attitude is that if you once meant something to me, you always will, unless you really do something awful and put me in the position to sever ties with you for my own personal well-being. I put a lot of effort into maintaining healthy, mature relationships with the people I care about, and I do not feel that ADHD has disrupted that in any way. Just my point of view, though. I'm sure there are people out there who have experienced differently.

[sarahsweets]

Relationships are always give and take. Whether a spouse cheats on you, tries to change you, berate you for your "faults' its always two people that tango. The best thing that can happen for people in this situtation is to realize they can be free, and move onto to someone that loves them unconditionally.

[sarek]

i think relationships where AD(H)D is in the equation somewhere will always be different. That does not necessarily meant they have to be worse, just different.

Sadly, many people can't handle that kind of different. That's when it becomes a negative.

[starrykitten]

This is an interesting topic!

I feel like I have a harder time getting into a relationship than a lot of people, especially because I think I have enough desirable qualities that I "should" be in a relationship. But when I get into relationships, they're always genuine, warts-and-all kind of things. And I would take that any day over a relationship that is stable but stays on the surface. The people I've been in love with were people who really knew me and accepted me as I am. Even though it's been a really long time since I was in a relationship, I feel like it will be worth the wait.

I also think everyone has baggage and issues that could make a relationship unstable. Even things that seem innocuous can really destabilize a relationship.

Also, in some cases, I think ADDers can be better equipped to be in a relationship than "normal" people. In a lot of cases, ADDers have done a lot of introspection and self-improvement work that people who don't face such challenges will never have to do. We know what our issues are, and we work to improve ourselves, and that has to count for something.