is something wrong with me?

[RedHairedWitch]

Basically, its the inability to say no. Also, putting the needs of other before you own to the point that it brings harm to yourself and your life. Not being able to defend your perfectly reasonable boundaries. The need to fix people or fix their lives. Also, the need to be needed.

It can become a kind of addiction. You get so wrapped up in helping others, it makes it easy to avoid your own issues. Also, it feels good to rescue people.

But what can happen Is not only do you loose yourself and your self worth, but you start to need people who rely on you. You crave that kind of attention. You forget, or never learn, any other way to love and be loved.

[sarahsweets]

If you are really serious about learning about codependecy I urge you to read a book called "co-dependent no more" by melodie beatie(SP) its pretty good.

[oscurochu]

i asked my bf about codependency and if he knew anything about it. i asked him if he's ever thought about whether or not he was codependent, also.

he didn't want to talk about it. he felt as if i was over thinking it and not to worry about it. he was worried that by me talking about it, im setting us both up for failure. we argued for about an hour about whether or not we should treat it as a problem, or ignore it before just ending the conversation altogether.

he is always full of anxiety. he is always stressing about whether the relationship is working out or not. he thinks im ignoring him when i dont respond to his text messages. he is always worried that im losing interest or thinks im mad at him. i feel like we have the same conversations over and over, me constantly comforting him, trying to convince him i want nothing less than to make a relationship work with him.

he was trying to pressure me into a relationship when i insisted we remain just friends. i wanted to be in a relationship, but i felt more comfortable as friends, instead of jumping into the first relationship i find. he has done nothing for me to not want a relationship, and vice versa.

his past is full of guys who have led him on, cheated, ignored him, and broke up with him for no reason. they would just stop talking to him one day. with the way he acts with me, i can imagine that he sends multiple messages, containing messages similar to, "why are you ignoring me?" and "are we breaking up?" after not responding immediately.

he is overweight and has low self esteem. he would pull my hand off of him or put his hand in the way if i tried touching his upper body. he has exes that used to call him fat. he had exes that would say he was perfect, also, and there was nothing wrong with him. he said that it takes a long time before he is comfortable taking off his shirt in front of guys, but doesn't mind if his pants come off. i've known guys much larger than him that seem to have much higher self-esteem than he does.

he tells me that im different from other guys. i ask him why he doesn't trust me all the time, and he insists he does trust me. his actions prove he doesn't trust me. i told him i was drinking beer with one of my friends one night. me and him had plans to hang out later that night, but i never told him what time i was heading over until after i texted him and told him i was drinking beer. he got really mad at me for "blowing him off," although i never gave him a definite time that i was coming over, and ended up coming over afterwards anyways, just as i had planned. i felt like i had to keep explaining myself to him because he kept questioning why i "blew him off."

he doesn't ever know how to let go of his problems. the lady at the pool said to her bf, "are they stealing our chairs?" and he wouldnt shut up about it the whole time until after i finally convinced him to get in the water and go swimming with me. he kept saying how shes a ***** and that she keeps watching us and how we're not doing anything wrong and they're not anybody's chairs... the lady ended up being really nice and she wouldnt stop talking to us the entire time after getting in the pool.

last night, we had a conversation for an hour on the phone. the entire time, we talked about how i dont talk to him that much anymore and that he feels like i've been ignoring him. this was right after hanging out for two days (we don't hang out all the time because of transportation, and gas issues). sometimes when we texted, i dont always have something to talk about, and he doesnt ever bring up any interesting conversation either. he will send me a text, "i cant wait to see you," for example, and will get annoyed if i dont always respond, "i miss you too." (sometimes i dont respond at all because i dont want to spend every conversation talking about how we miss each other). after going through my text messages on my phone, and confirming i send more than 5 text messages to him each day, he still persisted with, "people who are in a relationship should *want* to talk to each other," implying that i dont act like i want to talk to him, ever. then i asked him, "how do you define how people in a relationship are supposed to talk to each other?" and his answer was extremely vague.

i feel that his self-esteem is really low. i also feel that he may also be codependent, mostly because he kept trying to tell me how a relationship is *supposed* to be, as if our relationship isnt satisfying enough for him. i talk to him every day. supposedly he is used to his bfs being able to see him more often than we do and is just trying to cope. he keeps saying, "the relationship will get better after i get a job cause then we can see each other more often since ill be able to pay for gas." he also talks about how hes depressed and that everything will be better once he starts school and gets a job.

another thing that makes me feel like he is codependent is how he wanted to help me quit meth. at first, he told me, "im sorry i cant talk to you if you're going to be using meth," in a text message. then, before i had the chance to respond, he was already apologizing that he is sorry and he just wants to help me. i was never highly addicted or anything, it really wasn't something i did all the time. i felt like he was overreacting, and still is about the whole ordeal. he still feels as if he needs to help me quit. i havent used meth since the day i told him i quit. he doesnt like it when i tell him that just because i quit that it doesnt mean i wont ever do it again. im just glad this conversation doesn't happen very much... lol

i keep trying to tell him just relax a little bit, if you can't find happiness now, having a job isn't going to make you happy, it'll only distract you from your depression. also that having a job isnt going to allow us to see each other more, if anything, we will see each other less since he'll be restricted to a schedule, and ill be living my seperate life. everytime i talk to him, he says how he will be different now and he is sorry for acting that way. no matter what i tell him, the same worries and conversations keep coming up, no matter how sorry he was before.

i dont want to be having the same conversation with him everyday. i would like to focus on something else besides how our relationship is failing, when its not. im not ready to give up on him, im just getting really annoyed. i've only known him for a few weeks, so it might be too soon for me too judge about him being codependent, but i think he is showing signs of it. he definitely has low self esteem though and wont deny it. he blames it on his past relationships though.

should i talk to him more about codependency, since it may be a problem with him too? if codependency isn't the issue, what do i do? this is my last time wanting to help someone and their issues. either i end it with him, we constantly talk about how we need to fix the relationship (when that conversation alone is the only problem), or i fix it, somehow...

[avjgirsijdhtjhs]

Originally Posted by avjgirsijdhtjhs

Does she seem to suffer from fear of abandonment by friends and love interests?

Does she seem to have no emotional skin, and make folks feel like the have to constantly "walk on eggshells" around her (and very often even that isn't enough!) to avoid upsetting her and having her do one or more of the following - play the victim, lash out\rage at you, retreat from the relationship for a while?

Is she really Jeckyl\Hyde in relationships (not just talking about love interest relationships - ALL of her relationships) with black and white thinking\valuing liking\hating of the other person?

Does she put people on guilt trips all the time and make them feel or believe (noting the thread title, and first line of the post) that THEY are the one at fault and the bad one? Does she make others (like maybe people that are less skilled and experienced in (all types) of relationships) seriously question if THEY are the crazy ones, when it should be obvious that she is the crazy one?

Does she seem to be CONSTANTLY struggling to stay afloat in a sea of problems and demanding others fix her problems, yet nothing you do is ever enough, and when you throw her a life preserver to try and help, she rejects it?

If any of the above stuff fits, then check out this, and the many other articles on Borderline Personality Disorder in the articles section of that site.

If the above stuff fits anybody you know, then read the stuff in the articles section on Borderline Personality disorder. It could end up being extremely worth your time...

Also, check out this (I read it once about a month or so ago and have forgotten most of it, but I think it would probably be worth your time). This may be worth reading too since other have mentioned it, although I haven't read it.

[oscurochu]

reading about it isn't going to help me... i kind of need to make a decision here...

how do i help him? how do i help myself? i don't want a repeat of my past...

I'll check out the information in the articles, but I'm not sure if it can help me. I can learn as much as I want, but without knowing what to do with that information, it's quite useless...

[RedHairedWitch]

Originally Posted by oscurochu

reading about it isn't going to help me... i kind of need to make a decision here...

how do i help him? how do i help myself? i don't want a repeat of my past...

I'll check out the information in the articles, but I'm not sure if it can help me. I can learn as much as I want, but without knowing what to do with that information, it's quite useless...

This is where counselling comes in.