I need help :(

[anonymouslyadd]

This is a heartbreaking thread, and I agree with RHW. I think you need to escape from this guy.

[mummyofthree]

I understand the difference between illness and ethics, hence the reason its so hard, although he should never ever behave the way he does, he doesn't see or believe the extent of what he's done or is doing, because he just cannot listen to absolutly anything, he can talk and keep talikng but listening well it doesn't happen, he will quite happily say you are a bad mum look at you crying infront of the kids but will not acknowledge the fact that its taken him days to reduce me to tears, I try to explain and the reply I get I moan moan f****n moan that's all u do shut up and be happy, he does things walks out of the room and returns like nothing has happened :s

[Amtram]

It looks like you did give him an ultimatum and tell him to leave if he didn't get help, right? If you did, good for you. And don't accept his assurances that he's changed (or is going to change) unless you have the evidence that he's actually getting ongoing professional help. Your kids are learning from him how women and children should expect to be treated, and you don't want this to happen to them, too. . .

[mummyofthree]

Yes amtram, I did give him an ultimatum after that he's full energy was focused on that....that did not last long...I know all to well that children learn what is acceptable from adults especially they're parent,
And iv said so many times think of what your doing to me right now, how would you feel if this was happening to your daughter, he won't listen

He behaved very badly yesterday and I told him he has to leave, today he was supposed to come and pick the children up, he was late as expected, but proceeded to give me abuse as soon as he arrived, so I told him he cannot come in and carry this on infront of the kids, and if he didn't stop immediatly he would not be taking them today, he didn't stop, he got worse, so I said ok I'm going back inside now, we can try again tomorrow but if you come and belittle, disrespect me and verbally abuse me again they cannot go, I don't want them seeing or hearing anymore of this ever

Well iv had constant texts all day saying I'm a horrible mum and I'm using the children as weapons, to me I wasn't I just wanted to show him that I won't tolerate it and I don't want it near my kids so unless he behaves well upon collecting them they won't be going...or maybe ask a family member to get them,

Am I wrong in doing this ?

After me telling him all day not to come to my house after the way he treated me earlier, he turned up..he had been texting me all day telling me he WILL come and he WILL be bringing he's daughter who is 4 (not my biological daughter) although its me that's brought her up, I told him over and over not to come and using her to get to me wasn't fair,

He came and sure enough he brought her and let her knock on and shout me, so I sent him a message telling him what he has just done is very wrong and how upset she would of been if I did not let her in, anyway I did let her in, and as he went to speak to me I told him what he had done was innappropriate, and that I'm oing in to look after the kids,

I then got countless abusive messages saying I'm a crap mum, he doesn't know why her brought her anyway because he doesn't trust me to look after them, I ignored I know he just wants to get some kind of response from me

False ppromises and waiting for a change that is likely not to happen is tearing my family apart, and I always knew that but I never spoke to anybody about it, so I held on to hope, but for now he's not been here for 2 days I miss him, but my house has never been more peaceful and happy and neither have I,
So unless I see some major commitment to getting better in the next year, I think there's no chance I'll go back, fingers crossed x

[Amtram]

I think you need to get in touch with some legal help as well. I don't know how things work over there, but you should be informing the police and at least getting their advice and referrals to agencies that protect victims of partner abuse. This could get bigger than you can handle on your own.

[ToneTone]

How about you call that doctor again and this time tell him what's up?

You were embarrassed the first time ... that's nothing to be ashamed about. He'll understand. But now is the time to act. This situation is getting serious.

Also, you definitely will want to examine that pedestal that you mentioned where everyone sees you as strong. I used to have this same thing ... people always saw me as happy when I was miserable ... I went to therapy on it. Turns out I was hiding how I was feeling at some deep level, sometimes from myself. The result was that when I was down, I could never get support, because none of my friends or colleagues knew I needed support. ... And of course, this meant I became more lonely, more isolated and more miserable, all because of a perpetual smile I showed to the world!

It's true that sometimes we have to put on a strong face, but you want to do so intentionally, not by accident. If you're doing this by accident, it means that there's probably help around you that you're not even seeking or noticing because other people think you're just fine.

It also means you're likely spending valuable energy covering up how you feel, which is not a great use of energy at a time like this.

Time for a reboot. You can do it!

Get back to that doctor. This is borderline emergency, isn't it?!

Good luck.

Tone

[Plognark]

My BPD/ADHD mother once called my work phone 23 times, leaving a screaming, angry message each call, going on about what a horrible son I was. I was 24 at the time.

When I had my work number changed, she found my wife's work number and did the same thing to her.

I've had to change my cell phone number twice to stop her when she gets in that state.

Again, I grew up with a severe BPD parent, so I could easily be projecting my own experiences onto what you're writing. However, the more you write, the more fitting it seems. Not just a little bit either, I mean it REALLY REALLY FITS.

Personality disorders aren't very clear cut; they range on a spectrum with a ton of sub types (narcissism, avoidant hystrionic, borderline, etc, etc, ad nauseum) and I think that they overlap more than psychiatrists would like.

But borderline personality disorder is a huge one. There are only a few disorders that are 'worse' than BPD. I don't know if it's something you can mention to his evaluator in any way. People with BPD are terrifyingly good at playing the victim in a therapy situation. My mother has fooled several therapists over the years. Those who caught on to her... well, they were evil, bad people out to make her miserable, and unfit to be therapists. She shopped around till she found one who believed her. It took her five tries until she got a sucker.

I don't want to sound pushy, but please, whatever his diagnosis, get him out of the house. Get him away from you, and get him away from the kids. Call the authorities if you must. Do NOT give in; he will push and push and cycle through states of miserable self pity one minute and then jump to self righteous rage the next, and vent all of it on to you.

He is not well, and you do not deserve this.

And even more important, your children do not deserve this.

Has he ever been physically violent with you?

[CheekyMonkey]

Natalie...what you are going through is terrifying. You need to get out if possible. His behavior could escalate and you could end up seriously hurt or worse.

Even if you need to find a local women's shelter, do it. Go save yourself and your kids.

I know it is hard and there will always be a certain amount of guilt, but the alternative is far worse.

[T-Rex65]

Even if all the abuse is directed at you and not the children, they are still being damaged by watching the way their dad treats their mom. You don't want them to grow up and repeat the pattern that you two have established.

[sarahsweets]

Leave-leave-leave!

[Fuzzy12]

Some people are capable of change but only if they really see that the problem lies with them. If he isn't willing to listen or consider that might need to change, then he will never change. From everything you've written it doesn't look good.

I know, it's hard, but please try to leave, for your own sake and for your kids. Like T-Rex has said, it's not easy for kids to live in a dysfunctional relationship like that even if they aren't directly at risk of physical harm.

As the others have said, his diagnosis might be a reason for why he is acting the way he is, but it's not a reason for you to stay. No matter what his problem is, it doesn't make things better for you or your kids, isn't it?

Do you have anyone that could support you? Family, friends? The state?

[Drewbacca]

I have to agree with the others, you need to leave that situation for the sake of your own safety and for the sake of the children. They shouldn't be raised by someone like him, who is willing to become physically abusive. That is a non-starter, you need to get out of there!

[mummyofthree]

I do leave, he convinces me he can see how wrong he is...then it starts again
I have no support, iv tried to speak to my mum...she says well its your own fault,your with him, iv tried he's mum to try and speak some sense into him
He seen a doctor of some kind this week..I found out they mostly discussed ME ? :she sat and told her that I have an anger problem and that there's nothing wrong with him
Its obviously me that's unwell, one thing I am not is an angry person,and luckily I am
Certain I am fine other than the daily stress and upset,that he causes me,
not at all, she asked if there was violence, he told her yeah I HIT HIM...this is how he repeats these situations to me too, so no suprise there,
When the actual situation is iv been pushed over or pinned down, and iv pushed or pinched to be able to get back up
I know this is wrong, my eldest is turning against me, my partner keeps standing between us saying to me say well done to him, ask him what he's done today...and I'm like ok, since when did I have to be told what and when to say it, tells them I'm boring and I'm no fun, when I say come on were are going where ever, and the kids moan he will goout of he's way to say they are doing the opposite of what I say they are doing, and I feel like ots all for the sake of belittling me
I always speak to my kids, I always praise them,help them, do whatever I can for them,
There's tons of things,
The reason I'm back here at this time
My youngest is 19 months old he is poorley, and he's been awake crying he woke at 12.30am he's dad brought him downstairs and told me to go away, so I said why ?
I want to look after him, he said you just make him worse go away, after a while of this I went to go away,
And then thought no, I'm he's mum I know what he wants I'm the one he wants
I'm not not going to look after him because you don't want me to be in the room
So I came back in and went to sit in the LARGE sppace between my son and he's dad
He basically then lay right down diagonally to stop me, went to snatch my babys
Blanket out of my hand, so I said why are you doing that, then he told me I'm a bad mum
And lots of made up reasons why, I ignored and just said please sit back where you
Were and let me sit next to him, he refused, lots more went on I got baby back into
Bed, and I gave him money to get back to he's mums and her door key and explained
Why I can't have him here AGAIN, I then got one of those ridiculous sorrys
Where he says the word sorry but really he's done nothing and iv done everything, and apparantly no matter what he does if he says sorry then its dissappeared, never to be discussed again,yet again this week has been a terrible week, and the things
He says to me, get worse,more often and more hurtful everytime.
I feel so stupid and selfish for giving chance after chance, when its an endless circle
No way at all do I want my kids in this, I know they see and hear what's going on
And they should never have to,
They are my everything, and I know we are all better off with him not here
So why am I so stupid and keep letting him back


Thankyou all for all of your advice,support,and help, I think sometimes someone just acknowledging what I'm saying is a great help, and being here just reinforces what I
Already know and kinda helps me come to terms with the fact that, this whole situation is
So wrong.

[Amtram]

Contact a hospital and ask them for a referral to a program for battered women. I don't know how it works in the UK, but here they help women get out of their homes without the abuser being aware, or while the abuser is in custody of some kind, and place the women and children in a safe place where they can't be found by the abuser. They offer or can direct you to legal help. You need to do this.

[CheekyMonkey]

My dad did those things to my mom. He had her convinced that SHE was crazy. That her kids would be taken away from her because she was a bad mother, that if she left then she would never see her kids again. Abusers have a way of turning everything around and making you feel like the bad guy.

Seeing what you are going through is very difficult for me. I hope that you are able to get out of there. Trust yourself, and just know that everything he says is another way for him to gain control.