my life is horrible. i don't want to bother doing anything

[gearcube]

medicines allow me to function in spite of the memories of all the social humiliations I endured in high school and college.

i can't discuss those humiliations in therapy because the therapist either

a. becomes combative
b. seems distrustful
c. doesn't seem to understand the amount of distress those memories cause me.

so it all boils down to me and my meds. my meds are my therapist. and at night, when their effect has waned, it's me on my own. that's when I begin to fantasize about how therapeutic it would be to have a rope with a noose hanging by the ceiling.

here's what my life is like: wake up at 7, get ready to go to work, go to work, work, go home, waste 1 or 2 hours in front of my PC, maybe masturbate to internet porn, go to sleep as soon as possible, because I have nothing enjoyable or not anxiety inducing to do.

I don't know if I am better off finding a new psychiatrist who is willing to start from zero with new meds or if I should do everything within my power find a psychologist who "gets it" even if it means that I have to test-drive 50 different psychologist before I find one who actually understands how not to treat me during therapy.

my life is a bore. i have no friends, no women. Women obviously don't find me attractive. and when I find one who doesn't seem repelled I don't know what to do and the attraction -if there was any- disappears in a second.

[Fuzzy12]

I'm sorry you are feeling so low. You sound depressed. Are you getting any treatment for depression?

I'd find a new therapist. I think, it's fairly important that your therapist gets you. This doesn't mean that he has to agree with everything you say, but there is no place in therapy for being combative, distrustful or trivialising your problems or memories.

From everything I've heard it can take a while to find a therapist that's a good fit, but I think, it's definitely worth it. Maybe you can try to to talk to people in your area about whom they say, or look into a therapists specialisation, education before you make the appointment.

Is there anything that you enjoy doing or can see yourself enjoying? If there is then hang on to it with all you can. Having even just one thing that makes your day worth while can make a huge difference. If there's nothing that you can think of then just keep trying different things till something clicks. But give them a fair chance. Sometimes interest (like love and affection) has to grow. I know, it's tough though to motivate yourself to do anything when you are depressed, and I hugely struggle with that as well.

I remember your threads on relationships and again, I'd say don't give up. You are still young. Just because it hasn't happened till now, it doesn't mean it won't happen. Like with therapists you just need to find a girl that's a good fit and that takes both time and effort. Oh and an open mind.

Hope you'll feel better soon.

[gearcube]

the negative memories are not caused by depression.

[Fuzzy12]

Originally Posted by gearcube

the negative memories are not caused by depression.

No negatives memories aren't caused by depression, but depression can exacerbate the effect of these memories, make you obsess about them and not allow you to let go.

I thought, I had a reason to be depressed. A very good reason. And I thought no amount of therapy or medication could help me since it wouldn't undo what happened. It wouldn't change things.

But since I've started taking anti depressants I've stopped obsessing about my bad memories and though the anti depressants haven't changed my past and I still feel bad about what happened, they have made a huge difference to how I feel and how I deal with what happened.

[sarahsweets]

a new therapist is needed,

[BohoButterfly]

I don't know exactly how things work where you are, but if i were you, or more accurately if you were sitting right here in my lougeroom with me i'd tell you this:

Stop bothering with psychs and therapists and find a counsellor- they are specifically there to be a sounding board and offer feedback, not 'treatment'. Mine helped me more than any psychologist!

They offer human feedback that comes from personal experience only- in other words, they will talk to you just as a close friend would, not like someone who knows what to do.

They offer suggestions, not action plans.

And please... I have felt the way you have, and i am afraid for you- don't hurt yourself. I've seen your posts and im worried for you! I have been since you posted about never finding love.

I wish i could say something to convince you that you are lovely, because i see nothing that says you're not.

Pm me if you want, i'll talk to you about what's going on, because ur post hit a nerve in me that grew during a time that ended in my nearly offing myself...

Thanks god i didn't! But what's worse is that feeling so bad clouded my view of how great i am- not perfect, lol, but i could cry over the lovely things people have said about me during a time i was feeling similar to you.

Stay safe,

xxBB

[Cranski]

a I hit a wall before being on medication, even with an overloaded list.

I went to the Big hardware chain and bought the cheapo saw, drill, and a few other things really cheap. Grabbed some wood and built quite a few things, ranging from tables, swing sets, and a shed. Before I knew it I had redone the entire yard, garden, driveway.

What I'm getting at though, is get something to do with your hands. My idleness is my worse enemy. Get away from the p.c., even though its hard. Go walk around the yard or the park nearby. Go stroll a large chain store. Do something to fill the void or at least get a little R&R.

It is easy to get stuck in a structured routine. Wake, eat, work, mast*, eat, sleep. Sounds like your hitting the wall. Change is good. Don't drowned yourself. Take it easy

[gearcube]

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12

But since I've started taking anti depressants I've stopped obsessing about my bad memories and though the anti depressants haven't changed my past and I still feel bad about what happened, they have made a huge difference to how I feel and how I deal with what happened.

What antidepressants do you take? what dose?

[unim21]

Originally Posted by Cranski

a I hit a wall before being on medication, even with an overloaded list.

I went to the Big hardware chain and bought the cheapo saw, drill, and a few other things really cheap. Grabbed some wood and built quite a few things, ranging from tables, swing sets, and a shed. Before I knew it I had redone the entire yard, garden, driveway.

What I'm getting at though, is get something to do with your hands. My idleness is my worse enemy. Get away from the p.c., even though its hard. Go walk around the yard or the park nearby. Go stroll a large chain store. Do something to fill the void or at least get a little R&R.

It is easy to get stuck in a structured routine. Wake, eat, work, mast*, eat, sleep. Sounds like your hitting the wall. Change is good. Don't drowned yourself. Take it easy

This is some of the best advice I've seen so far. Take heed here, find a new hobby. When I was feeling as you do now, I did everything I could to distract myself. From practicing math to riding my bicycle, programming, etc. Do something creative, set a goal for yourself and accomplish. You will feel better, trust me. Also get plenty of exercise - also don't get yourself addicted to watching porn everyday, there's nothing there for you but a brief physical sensation that fades away and then you're back to exactly where you started.

[gearcube]

Originally Posted by unim21

This is some of the best advice I've seen so far. Take heed here, find a new hobby. When I was feeling as you do now, I did everything I could to distract myself. From practicing math to riding my bicycle, programming, etc. Do something creative, set a goal for yourself and accomplish. You will feel better, trust me. Also get plenty of exercise - also don't get yourself addicted to watching porn everyday, there's nothing there for you but a brief physical sensation that fades away and then you're back to exactly where you started.

I watch porn every other day. I find that it helps me relieve the anxiety/depression symptoms associated with not having access to the real thing

[Cranski]

I intended to imply that perhaps mast* isn't exactly a healthy planned routine. I'm not sure how the beginning of the message was truncated but there important parts are there.

If your main concern is obsessing over the fact that you may be alone without a partner in life, that is easier than fixing yourself...

Watching porn as a form of escapism is fine. Using porn as escapism all the time every time borders addiction and can turn into an unhealthy habit.
Trying going out to a local pool hall or dance club Friday or Saturday. Post an add of craigs, hit up the mall early evening. Take a chance, elicit conversation, they won't bite you. On a side note get dressed and go and drive directly there get out and go in. Don't obsess what to wear, don't drive around aimlessly, don't sit looking at the door. That will get you 75% of the way there. You won't find any human companionship surfing for porn mate.

[Cassepipe]

I think you need someone just to listen to you, and they need to try to understand, and understand all that you've gone through, and say 'yeah, that's terrible, I get why you feel so bad now and feel as if you can't get out of the rut'. They need to say you've had a bad time and you've done your best to get where you are, to still be here and wanting to have a better run at it.

I was feeling just the same when I was younger, I thought I was so repulsive I'd never get a girl. I tried. I got to kiss some girls on rare occasions at clubs, any girl who would have me. Eventually I saw some tourists in a bar one day, and they were all really obese, and they were drunk, odler than me by ten years, and I thought that they might want some companionship! So I just went into the bar, boght a drink with my last 5 dollars, and sat there reading a book. Thought it would make me stand out so they would have something to start a conversation with me about. They did. And so begun my slow ascent.

It's almost ten years later now, and I'm just about happy with how I approach relationships. It's not perfect. But I don't get taken for a ride or stay with people I don't get along with.

I agree with the councilor deal. But, I found what worked best for me, was therapists who had an agenda set by an expert/doctor/sufferer so they couldn't baulk or argue to your detriment, but they knew how to help you in every situation, they always had a plan. The therapy worked for the sufferer, and it worked for me. Called DBT therapy. Not CBT. I did it twice a week for a whole year. Involves 1 one on one session where you spill your guts, then a group session, where you all talk about what you can do with everyone, and the therapists help there too, and you work it all out amongst yourselves, and practice all week. In group you sit around eating cookies and coffee and slowly change your life.

When I first heard about it I thought it was another load of crap that wasn't going to help me. But it helped more than any meds ever did. And now I've done the work, the residual issues are obvious, the root issues...
ADD - NOW the meds are working.

You've got here, how ever you did it... and now you want to change, try to find some therapy that resonates with you if you want to. Maybe look at DBT online, and compare it with other intensive therapies. If it's not for you, you'll find something eventually.

Maybe Charles Bukowski will make you better! He wasn't with a girl until he was 24, had a pretty ****ty life, wrote stories for fun, send them off to magazines and publishers constantly, eventually ended up having all the love he wanted until he had his fill, then settled down. He writes constantly about his ****, boozy, lonely, dirty life. But he feels alright with it! He's ok with himself. Makes me feel pretty good about having had a misspent youth and all kinds of issues, and being poor as ****. Bukowski is an author. He made working class read good books again too.

[gearcube]

Originally Posted by Cassepipe

I think you need someone just to listen to you, and they need to try to understand, and understand all that you've gone through, and say 'yeah, that's terrible, I get why you feel so bad now and feel as if you can't get out of the rut'. They need to say you've had a bad time and you've done your best to get where you are, to still be here and wanting to have a better run at it.

Exactly. The psychologists were either too dumb to figure it out or hated me to so much they decided I didn't deserve compassion and understanding.

[Cassepipe]

Originally Posted by gearcube

Exactly. The psychologists were either too dumb to figure it out or hated me to so much they decided I didn't deserve compassion and understanding.

Yeah, I had to go and say "I'm pretty sure I have ADD" for them to work it out... and even then it took them a while. 12 years it took to get there, for me to work it out, 4 Psychologists, 3 Psychiatrists, counselors, million GP's, and a specialist. I don't really understand... I think maybe I'm not very good at explaining my symptoms, I thought that was just my personality, lazy, daft but smart at the same time, hated work and chores, bad memory, unorganized.

Everything...
You might have to spell it out for them, don't worry if you think they don't like you, they didn't like me I think, just get what you need and get out of there!

[rickymooston]

Gearcube

Try a neurologist instead of a therapist? Well, i hsd a good neuroligist who soecializes in lesrning disorders.

Tell him or her everything : what worked for you, what didnt, about your social life

Tips to improve your social life? Try these. They may not work for you but they worked for me:
- join a club. Get interested in SOMETHING; e.g., a mild sport or art or anime. Do not go expecting to be good at it. Just enjoy it.
- improve your personal hygene. Dress neatly, etc.
- learn to lidten and to resist the huge temptatiin to blurt out ehat is on your mind.
I always **** ppl off when i do not do this.
- make friends with people who are shy.
- focus on quantity rather quality

In terms of depressing memories? Well, you cannot alter the past. Sadly, this is something
We all have to accept. You can learn from it but you cannot change it. You can alter the present

Force yiursekf to dobthings accirding tonpriority. Thisvis hard but once you get going, it gets eadier. Meds may help too here as you mentioned. Meds for depressiin msy also help?

Good luck. Yiu are not alone. We all have our challenges