Poor Sport

[PamelaM]

My DS, age 9 diagnosed with ADHD and currently on concerta, is a poor sport.....rather an absolutely horrible sport. Anytime is doesn't win he throws a crying fit and says very inappropriate things. I am so tired of his behaviour but I know its a trigger for him and he loses his it.

Anyone have suggestions on how to help him do better with losing? He's seen a psychologist who talked to him about sportsmanship and tried giving him some coping skills but when he is in the moment he doesn't think.

We don't want to put him in any sports b/c its so embarassing but we are going to try baseball (his choice of a team sport) and try to help him overcome this issue. As far as everything else, he is doing so well. This poor sport rears its ugly head everywhere and ruins lots of moments that would normally be so great.

[CheekyMonkey]

I would talk about beforehand, and make a plan. Together make a list of expected behavior if you lose, and unexpected. Ex) It is expect that you stay calm, it is unexpected to yell or cry. Go over these before a game. I know it is hard to apply in the moment, but the reminders right before might help.

How does he do with board games? I wonder if practicing these skills at home would help, before expecting him to apply them during something more public/stressful like a sport.

How much does he understand about how others feel and think when he is having a fit?

[Ms. Mango]

We had the same problem. DS isn't involved in sports, but he displayed poor sportsmanship while playing with other kids on the playground and in the classroom. Last year DS's class had a class of 2nd graders as buddies and, in the beginning of the year, I got a report that DS was rude to his buddy when he lost at a board game. Also, during the school year Fridays are family game/movie night. We had to stop family game nights right around the same time because DS couldn't lose gracefully (that's an understatement ).

What we did was to start game night up again after going over the rules of conduct in detail. We stated the obvious--everyone wants to win but nobody wins all the time. You need to be gracious when winning or losing. We explained what we considered expected behaviors for his comportment.

Then we modeled behavior during and after each game (good game, thanks for playing, that was close, you nearly beat me!, etc.). We also joked about it--once when I was wiped out playing Monopoly I turned to DS and said, "So now do I get to throw a temper tantrum and spoil the game for you two?" "No!" "Are you sure, 'cause that's what you usually do." "MOM!" "Ok, I'm out, good game everyone".

Our Monopoly game came with a little trophy and some labels to write names on. If you win you get to put your label on the trophy. When we started family game night again the new rule was if you were a poor sport you forfeited the game immediately and if your name was on the trophy from last time it came off. Even if it looked like you had a good shot at winning this time. Then we enforced it. Also, a few times my DH won but he allowed DS to keep his name on the trophy because he (DS) was gracious in defeat. It was rough going at first, but DS eventually came around. He's much better now--both at home and school.

Could you do something similar with cards or board games or sports (like family Olympics)? That way when he loses control it's just with you and you can walk him through expected behaviors and how it makes you feel (as a participant and perhaps a parent) when he is a poor sport.

[tudorose]

When our autistic son was young we told him he needed to be a good loser. His response, "But I don't want to be a loser!".

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by tudorose

When our autistic son was young we told him he needed to be a good loser. His response, "But I don't want to be a loser!".

So logical. Let's be honest, none of us do.

[mommytriz]

Are you watching any of the Olympics ? That might be a good way for him to see good sportsmanship on a very large stage. Many athletes all shake hands, hug, and congratulate each other whether they came first or farther down in the field. They recognize the efforts put in by the other athletes and sometimes it's your day and some times it's not.

[anonymouslyadd]

I'm not a parent.

I hated losing and probably still do. I was very competitive in athletics and always wanted to win. I probably got dejected after losing, but I don't think my reactions were as intense as your son's seem to be.

The "win" issue is probably something many ADDers struggle with. Maybe I'm wrong. I think it has to do with that need for perfection in what we do, which trickles over into the outcomes.

At 31 years old, I have to tell myself that there can only be one winner. I also think about some of my favorite baseball players and what their batting averages are, when I'm upset about my performance.

This may be an issue, struggling with losing, your son will always struggle with. Although, I think the "crying fits" will probably subside as he gets older.

Have you considered telling him that he can get upset when he gets home? Can you tell him that he can beat the crap out of pillows to let out his frustration? When he's out in the field or in the dugout, somehow tell him that he can beat the crap out of something at home.

You could say something like this to him:

"I know you hate losing and have a great competitive streak in you, but I want you to get upset and say "inappropriate thing" when we get home."

Don't tell him he's a "poor sport," by the way. You want him to feel like his parents are cool with him blowing off steam but in healthy ways. Try not to criticize him. That might make him feel worse.

Good luck!

[beltoller]

Its our "NS" - is that the abbreviation for 'normal' here? - son who is the poor sport; our ADHD son simply doesn't care.

He (NS) becomes absolutely incorrigible if he looses at anything - I don't care what it is, though I must say, he usually holds his enormous anger inside ( he's turning eight this month ) until he is out of the public eye and then we get the full brunt of it.

We haven't managed to find a good way to make any headway with it - I think Ms. Mango's clever use of a monopoly trophy sounds too good not to have a go with.

When I contrast our NS son with our other one, I can't say truthfully that I prefer the more sportsman-like looser over the sore-looser. Its true that the 'afflicted' son is more gracious when he looses, but if it is something that he's actually wanting to win at - he will simply become dejected and say something like " well, such n' such is stupid " and walk away, not caring one way or the other.

The bad-looser, on the other hand, will find a way to win, even if it means studying and practicing to achieve his goal. <--- which doesn't exactly break my heart to see.

For example, he is taking Brazilian jiu jitsu and even though he is more often than not, the youngest, lightest and less experienced in his class, he will usually submit the older,larger boys. If he lacks skill, he will make up for it with shear determination - something the other son lacks and I fear will plague him in his life.

I suppose I'm trying to tell the OP that having a spoil-sport isn't all that bad when you think about the alternatives.

I'd much rather be in a position to tone down a lads over-aggression when it comes to winning or being first than having to instill a desire to achieve, to win, in one who has none. In the first case, its achievable, in the second...

[LynneC]

Originally Posted by beltoller

The bad-looser, on the other hand, will find a way to win, even if it means studying and practicing to achieve his goal. <--- which doesn't exactly break my heart to see.

For example, he is taking Brazilian jiu jitsu and even though he is more often than not, the youngest, lightest and less experienced in his class, he will usually submit the older,larger boys. If he lacks skill, he will make up for it with shear determination - something the other son lacks and I fear will plague him in his life.

I suppose I'm trying to tell the OP that having a spoil-sport isn't all that bad when you think about the alternatives.

I'd much rather be in a position to tone down a lads over-aggression when it comes to winning or being first than having to instill a desire to achieve, to win, in one who has none. In the first case, its achievable, in the second...

Very interesting contrast between your two boys. The term you may be looking for is 'NT', whic stands for neurotypical.

My ADHD son sounds like your ADHD son; he doesn't like to lose but is usually not willing to put the effort into something to be good at it. Some of this I think (I hope) is just that he has not found something that really floats his boat.

He's just started skate boarding and seems to really like it. I'm hoping that the enthusiasm will continue and he'll practice enough to get good at it...

[LynneC]

PamelaM, I would consider videoing his behavior once and showing it to him when you get home. Not to embarrass him, but just so that he can see his own reaction. He may be unaware of exactly what he's doing 'in the moment'.

I would also try role-playing and giving him an alternative strategy for when he gets mad. I think this will only work if he wants to change his behavior, which is why the video might help.

You could try an If-Then plan, which goes something like this.

Set a goal with him; it needs to be a positive goal, like 'I want to have fun at the baseball game and be a good sport, even if I lose or make a bad play' (the goal shouldn't be , 'I won't be a poor loser' )

IF: If I start to to get mad because I missed a ball, struck out or got thrown out at base...

THEN: I will take two deep breaths and count to 10, backwards.

Practice these with him by roleplaying these situations. He needs to be able to verbalize his goal, the 'If' part, and the 'Then' part well enough that he doesn't have to think too hard about implementing it...

[happytexas]

Look for a social skills group; you may have to call around to quite a few speech therapists before you find one. My ds was in a social skills group this summer with other ADHD and/or Asperger's boys. I second having family game night to help with this as well.

I also recommend the book "Social Behavior Mapping"; there is a wall poster available for this as well. The book mostly consists of charts (expected behavior or unexpected behavior) for a good range of social scenarios, that can help to understand how actions and consequences affect themselves and others.

[beltoller]

Originally Posted by LynneC

Very interesting contrast between your two boys. The term you may be looking for is 'NT', whic stands for neurotypical.

My ADHD son sounds like your ADHD son; he doesn't like to lose but is usually not willing to put the effort into something to be good at it. Some of this I think (I hope) is just that he has not found something that really floats his boat.

He's just started skate boarding and seems to really like it. I'm hoping that the enthusiasm will continue and he'll practice enough to get good at it...

That's the sticky-wicket. There are a number of things I think he'd be ideal for - and often my heart will skip a beat when I see him take up one with enthusiasm - then either he finds that its something that requires repetition of basics in order to master more advanced skills - repetition of fundamentals is anathema to him - OR his OCD kicks in and he perfects one aspect of whatever it is and then he's done with it - he doesn't take it to the next level.

I know its that thing in ADHD with not being able to set long-range goals and work at them bit by bit - but its almighty disheartening.

[PamelaM]

Thanks everyone for the great suggestions. We did have him in a social skill building sports group but we haven't seen any improvement. I have him on the list to go again.

I like the idea of video taping him to use as a learning tool. We always emphasize having fun, building relationships, everyone likes to win but you can't always win, etc. We've done a lot of the talking but definitely need to do more role playing and practicing good sportsmanship.

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by PamelaM

Thanks everyone for the great suggestions. We did have him in a social skill building sports group but we haven't seen any improvement. I have him on the list to go again.

I know HappyTexas mentioned using this with her DC (dear child). I don't think social skills training works for kids with ADD, though.

In this light, I want to let you know/remind you of a few things:

ADDers know what they have to do but struggle with doing it. Also, your son is very young, has a brain growing slower than peers and can't regulate his emotions properly.

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by PamelaM

I like the idea of video taping him to use as a learning tool.

I think this will compensate for the memory problems, which may have impeded your previous efforts.

Dr. Barkley talks about teaching an ADDer at the point of performance. The doctor says that's how you teach someone with an executive functioning disorder.

At any rate, if you were to talk to your son after the game about his behavior, it's probably too late. He won't be able to recall it and he won't be able to remember what he needs to do the next time. Moreover, he needs to hear it from you when the action occurs. That's why I think the video idea may work.

Good luck and thanks for being proactive for your son.