how do i not lose my temper with my 8 yr old

[Shane'sMum]

My 8 yr old son has ust been diagnosed with ADHD and has been suffering since he was three. My issue is Im finding it very hard not to get cross with him as he is lovely of course, but very strong willed and wont do things no matter what the reward or consequence. I dont like being cross with him and am at end of my tether... can anyone direct me toward guidance as to how to manage better with such a strong willed child? I love him so much, I hate being cross with him.. but he just wont do anything at all until I get cross..

[Ms. Mango]

Hi and welcome to the forums! You'll find a lot of helpful information here. If you haven't had a chance to look up above, check out Dizfriz's Corner. http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60130

[ginniebean]

Originally Posted by Shane'sMum

My 8 yr old son has ust been diagnosed with ADHD and has been suffering since he was three. My issue is Im finding it very hard not to get cross with him as he is lovely of course, but very strong willed and wont do things no matter what the reward or consequence. I dont like being cross with him and am at end of my tether... can anyone direct me toward guidance as to how to manage better with such a strong willed child? I love him so much, I hate being cross with him.. but he just wont do anything at all until I get cross..

Your rewards suck then! If you don't have the right incentive then it will not work! The rewards must be immediate, they must produce effectiveness a minimum of 80% of the time.

And don't forget.. praise praise praise, you cannot praise enough. Always praise for anything the child does right!

You've developed a pattern and a bad habit between the two of you. Think of interaction as a rope with you on one end and him on the other, as you pull you hope for no resistance, but that's not realistic, incentives are there so that the resistance becomes less.

Very often parents fall into the idea that the child is being stubborn or they could do better if they wanted to. That's wrong thinking.

You need to pick a COUPLE (not everything at once) areas to work on.

You want him to say, get dressed in the morning and be ready on time for breakfast. What is your incentive? You got ready, good job you get _____.


This does not need to be something expensive, just something motivating and it must be a reward he gets RIGHT AWAY.

If it's, ok, on days when you are dressed and ready, you get captain crunch (and praise don't forget that) and on days you don't.. well we're back to oatmeal.

or whatever, you work with.

You would be amazed how fast this works... then when that's done.. when for two weeks he's ready at 90%/100% of the time, you move it to something else, I want you to brush your teeth.. and you keep going like this. Do not be surprised if you have to go backwards sometimes, and then forward again, keep reinforcing the desired behaviour. Don't get mad.. just keep working.

Getting mad is only going to hurt them emotionally, they're not doing this on purpose and they need your help to get it right.

Any other questions? feel free to PM

BTW finding incentives is ALWAYS the hard part, you have to vary them. OH< and incentives must be given ONLY for the performance related activity meaning.

If you say "if you brush your teeth you can play with this ____ for 20 minutes before you go to school" That's the ONLY time he plays with it, you lose effectiveness if he gets it at other times. They have to WANT it.

Same with consumables.. if he really likes something he ONLY gets it when it's being used as an incentive.

Lastly, your child does not need to earn every good thing and that's a message you don't want to send. Sometimes a yummy treat or a nice fun toy is just part of childhood.

Hope that helps.

[doiadhd]

Sometimes thats the reaction,the getting cross,that both children and adults! look for and want,maybe stop giving that particular re action,then the actual action may cease. . .watching bruce lee,in let me check. . Enter the dragon,always keep your eyes on the openant (how the hell does one spell that?). I prefer geanie's answer

[PamelaM]

This is what I try to do (not always successfully) - When I find myself getting upset with my DS (9 with ADHD) I verbalize it to him in an appropriate manner and tell him that mommy needs a moment alone, or count to 10 slowly, breathing, etc to calm myself down and also to model appropriate reactions. Getting mad/showing your frustration only fuels the ADHD child in the wrong/negative direction. I find the more calm I am with DS, the more calm he is.

Find your child's currency. For my DS it is his DS. His reward for good behaviour is time on his DS. His consequences for inappropriate behaviour is no time on his DS. Its what works for us. Keep working at it!

[sarahsweets]

I just try and think of my own childhood and the messages of "youre so much trouble" that I heard and it makes it easier not to send those same messages to my kids. Not always easy though.

[LynneC]

Originally Posted by Ms. Mango

Hi and welcome to the forums! You'll find a lot of helpful information here. If you haven't had a chance to look up above, check out Dizfriz's Corner. http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60130

I found the information in these essays that Ms Mango linked above to be extremely helpful in allowing me to understand my son's behavior. Once I understood why he did the things that he did, the result was that I did not get as frustrated and angry with him.

There are also some very good strategies in those essays that you can use to help your son control his ADHD behavior.

And welcome!

[Anna3000]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I just try and think of my own childhood and the messages of "youre so much trouble" that I heard and it makes it easier not to send those same messages to my kids. Not always easy though.

I agree - 100%. Some of the things my parents said were basically the opposite of what I want to say to my children. When I at my breaking point - sometimes I remember the times when my parents were at this point. Their comments were not positive AT ALL and made me basically want to do the exact opposite of what they said.

[Peripheral]

I find the book "Scattered" by Gabor Mate M.D. ,

has really helped me and my family.(Dr.Mate has ADHD)

These quotes from "Scattered" might give you an idea of what kind of information is found in the book.

Feel free to ask any questions ,

opinions and criticisms always appreciate.

Private Message me anytime if you would like to discuss the information privately.

PARENTS UNAWARE OF HOW counterwill works may see oppositionality as originating in the child,

as a deliberate challenge to their authority or a testing of limits.

A power struggle ensues.

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=128613

"I don't even know what sets him off sometimes," his mother said.

"If I tell him to stop, he just covers his ears with his hands. He won't listen"

The father said that bedtimes were impossible, school mornings a "nightmare", suppertime "a zoo".

http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...26&postcount=1

[gardensparrow]

Well, I definitely think you're not alone in struggling not to lose your temper with a strong-willed child. And, I know it's especially difficult when your son also battles ADHD. But, I do think there are some strategies that might help you in coping with his behavior. First off, have you talked with your son's doctor or therapist about this issue (or whoever diagnosed him)? I'm sure they've discussed similar situations with other parents and might have some suggestions for you on how to keep your cool and find the best ways to respond to his actions. Also, I'm not sure if you're a reader, but I've come across a couple books while working at Focus on the Family that might be helpful to you. The first is called ScreamFree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool and it deals specifically with helping parents not lose it while raising challenging kids. The other, Why ADHD Doesn't Mean Disaster, talks more about the ADHD side of things and how parents can deal with this. So, maybe you could find them online or at the library? Well, hang in there. It's evident you love your son and want the best for him and that will go a long way in any kid's life!

[Peripheral]

Originally Posted by gardensparrow

Well, I definitely think you're not alone in struggling not to lose your temper with a strong-willed child. And, I know it's especially difficult when your son also battles ADHD. But, I do think there are some strategies that might help you in coping with his behavior. First off, have you talked with your son's doctor or therapist about this issue (or whoever diagnosed him)? I'm sure they've discussed similar situations with other parents and might have some suggestions for you on how to keep your cool and find the best ways to respond to his actions. Also, I'm not sure if you're a reader, but I've come across a couple books while working at Focus on the Family that might be helpful to you. The first is called ScreamFree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool and it deals specifically with helping parents not lose it while raising challenging kids. The other, Why ADHD Doesn't Mean Disaster, talks more about the ADHD side of things and how parents can deal with this. So, maybe you could find them online or at the library? Well, hang in there. It's evident you love your son and want the best for him and that will go a long way in any kid's life!

Thanks for the recommendations.

I wonder if there is a ADHD related book club?

Did I just say that?

I don't even know what a book club is for sure.

I assume it involves books.

Sorry for getting off topic.

I will start another thread.