why can't i breathe?

[MX2012]

Going through some old notes. Found a "poem/story" that attempts to capture what my life was like everyday. This was years ago, aging does help.

why can't i breathe?

why can’t i breathe
why has fear gripped me so
why have i been stripped of all hope, all compassion
why do i fight when people attempt to define me, my happiness, my goals
why do i run from people, family, friends
why do i feel as if the sentimentality is false

why do i yell at people
why can't i love
why don’t i see the human life process
i am trapped somewhere in youth believing in the concepts of nobility, compassion, adoration

why is my body so tense, my chest wrapped in a snake that is squeezing slowly
why am i afraid to go to sleep and yet sleep 10 hours afraid to wake up
why can't i find the appropriate help i need
will i fail again if i go to a new school
will i be friendless forever
why am i slow to realize attraction
why does it shock me when i do
why do i run scared
why would someone be attracted to me
why is it always so shallow
why would someone chose to hurt me
why do i feel unheard
why do i feel so trapped so unable to escape my body when someone wants to hurt me
why can't i stop them
will i live any of my life
why do i say the wrong things
why only in therapy is it ok to say these things and not in the real world
the true answer is an inferno in the heart of god,
an inferno that burns all that comes near the core of life
why can't i breathe