Are you a people-pleaser?

[DrZoidberg]

I was this way very much as a child. My ADHD mother is a people pleaser 100%. But she's too much in a hurry to find out what people actually want. So she spends almost all her efforts pleasing others and they don't even appreciate it. She's really just annoying.

Because of seeing what my mother was doing wrong, I've been working on this all my life. I realized quite early in life, around 20, that most people prefer people who also take and are appreciative. So that's how I try to please others now.

[tudorose]

I'm am but I've been training myself for the last year to not be like this. I'm a slow learner and keep physically crashing because I don't stop when I should in case I let someone down. I figure I will keep trying and eventually I might get the message.

[ADDinHDefgHi?!]

I don't think so, I mean maybe if I went to see my therapist as much as I'm supposed to I would stumble across some subconscious people pleasing pattern in my actions.

But as of now I don't really go out of my way to please others unless they are important to me. If I feel like helping someone out I will but in general I'm a loner and usually caught too caught up in my own thoughts.

I'm a ME pleaser! but not always in a good way. The thing I love about professional work is how it reminds me that I'm here to help others, and that helping others generally makes me happy. So even when I'm trying to please people I'm doing it for myself!

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by ADDinHDefgHi?!

I don't think so, I mean maybe if I went to see my therapist as much as I'm supposed to I would stumble across some subconscious people pleasing pattern in my actions.

But as of now I don't really go out of my way to please others unless they are important to me. If I feel like helping someone out I will but in general I'm a loner and usually caught too caught up in my own thoughts.

I'm a ME pleaser! but not always in a good way. The thing I love about professional work is how it reminds me that I'm here to help others, and that helping others generally makes me happy. So even when I'm trying to please people I'm doing it for myself!

Teach me your ways!

[angora]

I answered somewhat. I think I'm a wanna be people pleaser. I make all sorts of verbal commitments to keep the peace or make people happy but then don't follow through.

[keliza]

I am not a people-pleaser, I never have been. My mother has always lamented that I do not really care to suit other people's desires. I am quite independent-minded and focused on what makes me happy. (That sounds absolutely self-involved to say, doesn't it? I'm just being honest.)

To be clear, though, I do over-extend myself for my family and friends. I will go to very great lengths to help them and take care of them to the best of my ability, asking very little in return. If somebody I care about has a need, I will take care of it, you don't have to ask twice, and you might not even have to ask at all. I'll probably volunteer to help you take care of it before you have to ask.

But I don't do these things because I have any interest in pleasing anyone. I do it because I want to, because it makes me happy. It doesn't really have to do with pleasing that person, it's because I am a nurturer and I want to take care of the needs of people I love. Does that make sense? What I do for others isn't motivated by wanting to please them, it's motivated by my own internal desire to help them. If I love someone, I will give up everything for them, but not because it pleases them--because it pleases me to be able to help them. I think that's a different kind of motivation.

[Abi]

Yikes 17 - 4. 23 - 4 if we include the somewhats.

Surprising.

Oh, no points for guessing that I'm one of the 4

[peripatetic]

i voted awhile ago but didnt post about it.

the answer is no, but I try not to be a purposeful people displeaser. mostly. I think if I were either more aware of what would please others or cared mire about doing it when I do know/had high potential for success I'd consider it more an option. like conman said though, social relations can differ with wanting friends to be overall happy or when pursuing persons of interest.

[avjgirsijdhtjhs]

Given two otherwise identical women, I'd choose the woman with an adequate amount of assertiveness over the pushover that says yes all the time.

Now it isn't that more is always better and maximum is best (gridlocking every time there's a disagreement between two completely assertive people all the time probably isn't a good thing), but in comparison, the pushover is less exciting and less interesting, and I'm not attracted to bland.

[Drewbacca]

Originally Posted by keliza

That sounds absolutely self-involved to say, doesn't it? I'm just being honest.

Not at all. Honestly, I think you are lucky for this. I'd be much better off with this attitude, believe me. My attitude might be shaped by growing up in an alcoholic household. Perhaps it's a middle child thing. *shrugs*

[pooka]

I would have chosen no except for the fact that I have been in a few one-sided friendships that really took a toll on me. Once I spent more time dealing with my friend's problems than with my own, which really stressed me out and ended with a huge unpleasant confrontation about it, and now we're not exactly on speaking terms. So in a sense, a needy friend forced me to be a people-pleaser and I couldn't handle it at ALL.
But usually, I am totally okay with telling people to f*** off, or at the very least avoid people. I'm pretty good at telling when a relationship is not a healthy one. Also, I can be a total b**** sometimes. But I'm kind of okay with that.

[Spacemaster]

I answered "somewhat", but thinking about it some more, I err on the "NO" side more often. I'm a self-pleaser.

I like what Peri said, "I'm a people displeaser"

When I do try to do something nice, I usually mess it up somehow or take too long. For example, I said I would repair some jewelry for some coworkers, and it took me way too long to finish. They were kind and didn't say anything to me.

I was more of a people pleaser in my more socially awkward days, especially in grade school. I found myself giving the girl seated in front of me in class a back rub just because she turned around and asked!

Nowadays, I usually don't give a rat's behind about people I care about.

[CheekyMonkey]

Very interesting results.


I'll have to look into the reasons and how to fix this epidemic.

[keliza]

Originally Posted by Drewbacca

Not at all. Honestly, I think you are lucky for this. I'd be much better off with this attitude, believe me. My attitude might be shaped by growing up in an alcoholic household. Perhaps it's a middle child thing. *shrugs*

Interestingly, I also grew up in an alcoholic household, and I am #3 of 4. People respond to the environment they grew up in differently, though, so no two ACoA's will be the same, even if there are some similar overarching themes.

My little sister is very much a people-pleaser, she just wants everyone to be happy and placated. She will shoulder a lot of unnecessary responsibility and blame in order to keep the peace. I wish she wouldn't, it's not fair for her to take that on from other people, but her attitude is that she would rather someone use her as a scapegoat to keep the peace more broadly than to stand her ground and make the fight last longer. I guess there's something either admirable or stupid (or both) about that self-sacrificing nature.

[Rebelyell]

Yes and sadly people dont appeciate it and take advantage of it.On a lighter note im also a people teaser too