My Dysfunctional Family

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by CheekyMonkey

Seems like you could be opposite. I wonder if he is resentful that you don't share the same feelings about your mom?

I can also wonder about how he feels that you live close, but choose to limit communication with both of them.

I do hate my mom, now. I started a thread on her and realized she was a narcissist. I don't want anything to do with her, but I think deep down, I wish things might be different.

I don't trust my brother. I lent him a bunch of money once, and he never paid me back. He's a ******* loser.

[Conman]

well you mention that they seem to be similar in not taking care of themselves first, and your brother seems kinda anal giggity about this situation with your dad, and your dad's current situation. he's probably worried he's going down the same path and doesn't like what he sees at the end, trying to change it while he can...in his mindset anyway

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by Conman

well you mention that they seem to be similar in not taking care of themselves first, and your brother seems kinda anal giggity about this situation with your dad, and your dad's current situation. he's probably worried he's going down the same path and doesn't like what he sees at the end, trying to change it while he can...in his mindset anyway

I don't know that I am much different from my brother. I think I'm better about doing for myself over others, but I struggle with it a lot. I have to go against my grain.

My brother's very controlling. Very.

He also relies on my dad more than I do. I don't rely on my dad very much.

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd

I do hate my mom, now. I started a thread on her and realized she was a narcissist. I don't want anything to do with her, but I think deep down, I wish things might be different.

I don't trust my brother. I lent him a bunch of money once, and he never paid me back. He's a ******* loser.

Hm.

It is hard that you've "lost" your mom and seems like your brother and dad are not far behind.




So you know you don't care for your brother. Why let him get this much under your skin? I know it isn't as easy as that, but maybe realizing that you don't give a crap what he thinks....maybe that can give you the power to let this go and not eat away at you.

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by CheekyMonkey

So you know you don't care for your brother. Why let him get this much under your skin? I know it isn't as easy as that, but maybe realizing that you don't give a crap what he thinks....maybe that can give you the power to let this go and not eat away at you.

I've always let stuff get "under my skin." Do you have advice to help me stop it? I need reasons and logic.

Someone once said that they couldn't do anything about it and therefore, laughing it off was the best route.

I do care about what people think, even people I don't know or care about.

[Conman]

what the cheeky******* said (no offense, just like calling people that) > : D

nobody's opinion matters but your own (although 98% people including myself disagree). your brother has his life, you have yours. he has to live his own.

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd

I've always let stuff get "under my skin." Do you have advice to help me stop it? I need reasons and logic.

Someone once said that they couldn't do anything about it and therefore, laughing it off was the best route.

I do care about what people think, even people I don't know or care about.

It is hard, I know.


I guess think of this:

What will happen if your brother doesn't like you?

Will that change your relationship or will it stay the same?

What will happen if you give in and appease him?

If he likes you, does that matter either?

[salleh]

One other thing .....you only get the one family, and unless they have been out and out mean to you ....or abusive, ....perhaps it's time to let all that go ....

You are mostly upset at the way they are and have lived their lives .....at least that'[s what I am getting from your posts .....

...and well, frankly, ,...unless it affects you negatively and is causing you damage ....their lives are their business.....

It's a fine line I admit ....you want to care, and you don't want to get sucked into what you percieve as a unattractive lifestyle.....but at the same time, you are responsible for your life and they for theirs....

...That being said ...with your dad being 76, how many more years does he have left ? ....and oh men and their pride .....and especially parents ...they "don't want to be a bother" to their children, it's kind of universal, even if they never say anything.....


....SO perhaps it's time to be generous with him ....making sure, if he wants to go, if he has someone to go with, and a way home ....do you really want him taking a bus ????

.... I think you'll feel good about yourself and him if you step up and make this a real treat for him .....something you can look back on with pride and knowing you thought of someone else .......and then followed through .....when YOU are the one choosing to be genreous, no one is taking advantage of you ......it's YOUR choice .....


....I have no one left in my family, and sometimes, it is very hard to be the only one left on the planet ....you still have your family around .....

unless they're monsters.....accept that they aren't perfect, and neither are you ...you're old enough to make your own path without their help ....but having a loving family ......well, that's worth some accomodations

[Nifferka]

Maybe, since your brother is so much closer to your dad than you are, he's more aware of what help your dad wants and needs. So while you might think your dad is perfectly capable of doing something, your brother knows that he needs help with it. And instead of clearly explaining all of this, your brother is just getting upset with you for not seeing it, too. Maybe you should trust that your brother's assessment of the situation is more accurate than yours. That doesn't mean you should bend over backwards to accommodate every request, but you ought to refrain from arguing with your brother over what your father really needs, especially when what he's asking doesn't seem like that big of a deal. If you can't help, fine. Don't help. But telling him that his concerns aren't valid won't do anything but increase tension between you and make him feel like he has to fight even harder.

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by CheekyMonkey

It is hard, I know.


What will happen if your brother doesn't like you?

Will that change your relationship or will it stay the same?

What will happen if you give in and appease him?

If he likes you, does that matter either?

It will hurt me, but our relationship will probably stay the same.

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by salleh

One other thing .....you only get the one family, and unless they have been out and out mean to you ....or abusive, ....perhaps it's time to let all that go ....

You are mostly upset at the way they are and have lived their lives .....at least that'[s what I am getting from your posts .....

...and well, frankly, ,...unless it affects you negatively and is causing you damage ....their lives are their business.....

It's a fine line I admit ....you want to care, and you don't want to get sucked into what you percieve as a unattractive lifestyle.....but at the same time, you are responsible for your life and they for theirs....

...That being said ...with your dad being 76, how many more years does he have left ? ....and oh men and their pride .....and especially parents ...they "don't want to be a bother" to their children, it's kind of universal, even if they never say anything.....


....SO perhaps it's time to be generous with him ....making sure, if he wants to go, if he has someone to go with, and a way home ....do you really want him taking a bus ????

.... I think you'll feel good about yourself and him if you step up and make this a real treat for him .....something you can look back on with pride and knowing you thought of someone else .......and then followed through .....when YOU are the one choosing to be genreous, no one is taking advantage of you ......it's YOUR choice .....


....I have no one left in my family, and sometimes, it is very hard to be the only one left on the planet ....you still have your family around .....

unless they're monsters.....accept that they aren't perfect, and neither are you ...you're old enough to make your own path without their help ....but having a loving family ......well, that's worth some accomodations

I can't focus on my dad and family, for this event. I have to focus on the big picture and other people's needs. I'm a promoter. I'm their to promote, not worry about my dad.

I do have my family around, and they are very unhealthy.

My dad has always had to have someone do something for him. I think he needs to do it himself.

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by Nifferka

Maybe, since your brother is so much closer to your dad than you are, he's more aware of what help your dad wants and needs. So while you might think your dad is perfectly capable of doing something, your brother knows that he needs help with it. And instead of clearly explaining all of this, your brother is just getting upset with you for not seeing it, too. Maybe you should trust that your brother's assessment of the situation is more accurate than yours. That doesn't mean you should bend over backwards to accommodate every request, but you ought to refrain from arguing with your brother over what your father really needs, especially when what he's asking doesn't seem like that big of a deal. If you can't help, fine. Don't help. But telling him that his concerns aren't valid won't do anything but increase tension between you and make him feel like he has to fight even harder.

I admit it was all me who started this. I'm actually proud of myself for speaking up. What my brother does is his business, and maybe I'm questioning how good of a son I am. While my brother is discussing thoughts in his head, they're getting in mine, and I'm analyzing.

[Unmanagable]

I say let bro handle the transportation and companion part for your dad, if possible, so you can focus on the promotional stuff.

This is sucking up mega energy and appears to be creating more anger and bad feelings than you already had towards dad and bro.

What you think dad needs to do for himself may simply be out of his realm of capabilities.

Just like not letting stuff like this get under your skin is out of the realm of your capabilities.

I think your expectations of him could equate to us responding to your post with:

"Anon, you've always needed help with this kind of stuff and we think you need to figure it out by yourself."

No matter how much we would repeat that or stress that, it wouldn't change the struggle you experience. If anything, it would create more bad vibes and magnify the issue.

Wishing you luck in sorting it all out in your mind.

(((((Hugs)))))

[sarahsweets]

Well Anon, you already know what I'd say......

Toxic people are like toxic wasted, they both need to get jumped.

[anonymouslyadd]

Thank you all for your advice.

Maybe the purpose of this thread was to pull anger out of me so that I could see and feel it. I know anger can accompany ADD, and I'm not surprised.

My mom text messaged me tonight,and I didn't return it. Thought I'd mention that.