How to get out of isolation if conversation is painful?

[sbcy]

When ever i have a problem i want to approach, i usually break it down into logically ordered micro steps. But because of the casual nature of social interaction, it's difficult to adhere to, or even develop such rigid structure. I find myself in the same patterns month after month and this is likely because of a lack of introducing outside variables and views.

So..I need to change that because this isolation isn't helping change my negative patterns despite having the intention to do so. This is the same with any task i need to accomplish, if I don't put it on my todo list and break it down into schedule micro steps, it probably won't get done...at all. Structure is essential for me. I'm able to create my own structure usually but when there are too many variables and uncertainties, it seems impossible.
When I put myself "out there" (in the presence and even talking to others) I never seem to get anywhere because it's either boring or painful. I'll be around people but not make any meaningful relations because I can't stop in conversation and analyze the next few micro steps, let alone come up with a structure for accomplishing this since comversation has so many variables. This lack of structure makes it even more difficult since I usually find conversation to be painful.

Any ideas? Solutions? How to change when you're essentially not performing well at what some call an "art form" (conversation) and usually hate doing it? How do I figure out what to change into?

[Fortress]

I think I understand what you mean. It's a very sticky situation, especially since despite your handicap you still need people to feel close by.

I've been pretty lucky in this matter (someone very special reached out to me) so it's not like I wouldn't be in the same position as you are without that luck. But I still think I have some advice to give you.

You seem to accept completely that you are being overly rational about things. It's understandable, because you might simply not understand anything that isn't rational, if only because things go too fast. But logic and rationale only go so far in connecting people together. There's still a deep, flawed, human emotional aspect of you that maybe you could tap into more (if only alone at first) that will help you connect with people beyond or despite boring chitchat. Maybe you'll end up finding people with who you can mutually care about each other despite not following the normal "steps" of interaction and regular acts of conversations. Unfortunately, finding matching people like this is a matter of luck, but as you move between jobs/classes/leisure activities you might meet more people and stumble upon cool ones.

As for getting out of isolation with people who matter less, like talking to people at work while you just don't really care, I'm not sure I can give good advice. Personally I sometimes force myself to look like I care just a little bit more than I actually do and it's painful, but I'd rather do it over looking like the unapproachable guy I used to be. Sometimes I stumble, I don't understand or I just don't care enough to be able to fake it, but either I stay confident in that I don't HAVE to care/understand all of this or I feel bad about it. It's not very pleasant, bu such is our curse...We can hardly be ourselves all the time.

How old are you?

[UnknownUser]

Wow, I'm new to this forum and newly diagnosed with adhd (20years old). I can relate 100% to your post. I have pondered this question for the past 5-6 years myself, I have only a couple good friends who I spend most of my time with as they alike don't enjoy a lot of small talk. This is a major standstill for myself with making new relations especially trying to find a partner. I hope that once I find the right medication for myself it will help with this? Have you noted any improvement with Adderall ?

[sbcy]

Originally Posted by Fortress

How old are you?

22 (male), before I got to my teenage years I had friends and enjoyed it for the most part because it was about "playing" as opposed to just talking about stuff in a group of people at some dumb restaraunt/bar. The more I try the worse it gets and the end goal being to do this more? No amount of will power will keep a human at that for a significant amount of time.

[Verile]

I'm similar to you. I don't hang out much or do chit-chat. Luckily I've made adventurous friends. It can still be about "playing" as you get older.

List of suggestions:

Join a club or group that does something exciting to you. It's easier to talk with people when you have a foundation of common interest.

Accept invitations to go out and do novel experiences. If you have friends who are always out doing fun things, join them. Meet new people through those outings and keep inviting yourself into their lives so that yours becomes more interesting by proxy. It's almost parasitic. Then when you meet new people, you can invite them to do these things you learned from your old friends. If you can manage it, plan trips yourself with people you're close with.

Internet friends from forums? It's still interaction but at your own pace.

Keep doing interesting things. The more interesting your own life is the more people will want to be part of that life. This is, of course, extremely difficult for some of us but if you can plan micro steps out to be a more interesting person you'll find you become more of a people magnet. Conversation is a lot easier when it's about the things that interest you.

[TheChemicals]

I would suggest going straight to sex.

[avjgirsijdhtjhs]

What are your thoughts on the possibility of having Asperger Syndrome?

You told me that your scored a forty on the Autism Quotient test.

Check out the first three paragraphs (as well as the other tests) after the video in this post:

Originally Posted by avjgirsijdhtjhs

Take this test. Don't stress on deciding whether you strongly, or only somewhat agree or disagree. With the way the test is scored, all that matters is in which direction you answer. Answering with the autism spectrum disorder "lean" gets you a point, and answering with the NT "lean" gets you no points. When answering question 29 about phone numbers, keep in mind that this test was published in 2001.

Check out this quote from the discussion section of this document, which starts on page 15:

As predicted, adults with AS/HFA scored significantly higher on the AQ than matched controls. 80% scored above a critical minimum of 32+, whereas only 2% of controls did so.

[sbcy]

Originally Posted by avjgirsijdhtjhs

What are your thoughts on the possibility of having Asperger Syndrome?

You told me that your scored a forty on the Autism Quotient test.

Check out the first three paragraphs (as well as the other tests) after the video in this post:

I've considered it, but my family is also kinda like this - basically hardcore ISTJs but they don't have as severe problems as I do it would appear. Also, I'm a little slow but I am capable of "getting" what people mean based on tone, body language, etc. Sometimes if I misinterpret someone and discover it after the fact, I'll often realize WHY they meant that based on tone, context, etc. I can just be slower (though I have gotten some what good at faking that I understand if I'm lost). It can also happen because us ISTJs really trust on facts & certainty, so even if they seem to mean X but say Y, I will be more likely to go with the actual words to avoid any uncertainty or being unable to defend my interpretation.

[anonymouslyadd]

Toastmasters has been so great for me, and I think the organization will help you break down the patterns you seek to change.

[minuss]

Originally Posted by sbcy

I can just be slower (though I have gotten some what good at faking that I understand if I'm lost). .

I understand everything you said its like we hear the convo but due to some extra process there is a delay in speaking that tends to either cut off our turn to talk or makes us look spaced out.

this is most apparent when some asks a random question and you have to first understand the topic the response time is terrible.

but i started to think what others think of me. they assume im slow and dence/ but then i do something smart. makes me look unpredictable. but yeah. seems like trying to "get out there" translates in to getting more negative feed back.

it is the only limiting factor in my add, and it limits EVERY WHERE.