Emotionally closing off from husband

[sscgreen]

I've been married for 8 yrs and have 3 children (middle son is also ADHD). My husband who is also ADHD was diagnosed when he was younger.

The last few years he has changed so dramatically. He's become very selfish. I'm a stay at home mom which we both thought would be best for our children. We own our own company, which my husband handles and also all the financials. He likes control. He purchases things without discussing anything with me.

He came home with a truck the other day! I was very upset about this and we had an argument. But because he apologized he thinks everything is good and swept it under the rug. But then we got into another argument last night and he always seems to throw in my face that he works his butt off for us and that he's the only one bringing in the income.

So starting in a week I go back to work full time. He goes golfing at least twice a week if not more. I said to him it must be nice to go do what ever he feels like because he knows Im at home to deal with the kids. He says he deserves to go if not more. This really hurts. I've had to change my bi weekly coffee dates with a friend because it interferes with his golf.

But he doesn't ask me, he tells me. I feel like I'm a nanny/ housekeeper for him. He tells me I can go do what ever I like but when I go to do it he has plans come up. I'm emotionally pulling away from him cause he's said some things and apologized but the words hurt. He's blamed me for cheating (we don't have a sex life, I'm too drained).

He likes to "self medicate" which I do not agree upon at all. He gets worse and his opinion is the only one that counts. I've seen a counsellor but everything repeats itself. It's a vicious circle!

We haven't talked all day since the argument last night, and I really don't want to right now. I'm so fed up with his way of twisting and manipulating arguements which always results in me feeling bad and that I'm the problem. We've discussed these issues and things change for a week then go right back to where it all started. I love him but feel I'm falling out of love with him. Please help.

[sarahsweets]

It sounds like a serious talk is in order. You are not a nanny or servent you need help.

[Fuzzy12]

Have you considered couple's counselling? He sounds very controlling and selfish. That isn't necessarily a symptom of ADHD. Maybe there's something else going on.

[kilted_scotsman]

Maybe you are falling out of love with him.... or maybe your relationship is changing into something different that neither of you has recognised yet. That doesn't mean it's always going to be this way..... but if it is it's worth being aware that the relationship is stuck and not evolving.

You have instigated change by going back to work full time... I am assuming the kids are now school age and don't need someone around full time. After the kids stated full time school I must admit I was gnarly with my ex when I'd been working all day and came back to her talking about the nice coffee she'd had with friends.... OK that wasn't all she'd been doing but it kinda sticks in a guys mind when he's tired and grumpy after a hard day.

Bear in mind, that if he is ADD, it can take HUGE amounts of energy and focus to get through a typical working day.... being self employed/owning the company makes it a bit easier.... but if he is responsible for the finances AND is impulsive then challenges may well make him defensive which leads to an anger response.

guys who handle all the finances and like to "be in control" often have serious psychological issues if their business goes through a lean time.... their status is tangled up in their business success, which boils down to their ability to supply cash to buy "things"... and some go as far as to limit their wife's earning to keep themselves centre of the financial picture..... so if there is serious objection to you becoming financially independent, or having more influence because you bring cash to the family table go and see a good counsellor.

kilted

[julesjampot]

are you me or am i you, i have been married 37 years and my husband has turned into in the last 10 years yours , getting now i dont know what to do, please keep in touch, add me to your friends , jules

[sscgreen]

Right now I work part time( mon, wed, fri) his mom watches the kids and we pay her. Husbands idea. I came from work today and he was in the garage. As soon as I walked in he said I think we need to go see a counsellor. I agreed and he said he found one just out of town. But I would like to suggest a counsellor who has knowledge of ADHD. I don't know if he's going to take this the wrong way or not. And if this would be a good thing to see someone who's aware of ADHD. He thinks it's all me. I know when we go to a counsellor he's going to change things around and look like he's totally innocent and that I'm the problem. He has a way of twisting my words and making me feel guilty. But something definitely needs to change.
He will not let me in charge of finances. I offered to help because last year he was really stressed about handling it all. But he just slowly took it over again. Owning our business can be stressful but he doesn't work that much. He likes to play "executive". We have employees so he leaves to go golfing whenever he likes. But then he'll get home and spend 2 hours on the computer complaining that he has so much to do. He puts it on himself. It's just so frustrating to watch.

[ToneTone]

sscgreen,

I always think that it's a good idea to go for personal counseling, even at the same time as couples counseling. The more miserable you are, the more highly I recommend it.

Couple's counseling can be tricky. Even if you have a really good one, it's often difficult terrain ... But a good couples counselor is worth millions!--as long as both partners are ready to make some change.

I formally plead guilty here: I was one of those delusional fools who thought that the couples counseling was FOR HER, my girlfriend and later, wife. I wanted the counselor to tell her how wrong she was ... Looking back, this was so emotionally dumb. The fact that I was married to my partner meant that I had some attraction to who she was, good and bad.

By the way, you can bring up the ADHD as part of the couples counseling. In fact, you definitely should bring it up at some point ... There will be time to do this ... But the reason I like personal counseling (even in the midst of couple's counseling) is that it's easy for a person like me to lose myself in a relationship. The fact that I thought this just shows how utterly lost I was at the time.

Hang in there. It's at least some kind of good sign that he suggested this.
Actually it's a very good sign, even though he's probably going into it thinking that the problem is YOU.

Tone

[salleh]

Oh yah ....the problem is you ....and that's what he is going in with .....( I don't really mean the problem is you, I am saying that's what he things....)


a lot depends on how open you both are to change, and in seeing the other person's point of view ....the younger you are the easier it is going to be ...most of the time .....some people get so set in their ways and thought patterns, there's no shifting them ......


I do worry about anyone who finds themselves with a controlling person, that seems to be one character trait that is hard to alter, or lessen .....and you want a solution or group of solutions that can carry you 2 for the years to come .....

the really good therapist will teach you how to argue, or rather have a dissagreement, without hurting each other .....there are ways ......


so I guess you just have to wait and see....does he want to go so that YOU will change.....or does he sincerely see a problem that you BOTH need help in figuring
out ......


...I can think of nothing that kills love quite a thoroughly and fast as discovering that the person you're living with is a controlling person ....It's like being in the army or jail ....they get to be the lord high pooh-ba, and you the humble "yes I will do what you say" person.....sucks in the biggest way .....

...and it doesn't take very long to escalate into verbal abuse .....cause people tend to live their lives the way they want to and the controller doesn't take kindly to their orders being ignored....and they start putting you down for all the things they wanted you to do ......


it's a slippery slope ......

[kilted_scotsman]

Any couples counsellor worth their salt will be able to spot the controlling dynamic pretty quickly. If he tries the "it's all her" gambit then he's shooting himself in the foot big style.

He sounds quite controlling... and if he chooses the counsellor he may well go in all guns blazing.... so it's may be an idea to play a long game... suss out the counsellor and see how they react to his manner. You should be able to spot subtle cues that the counsellor isn't buying everything he's saying. You can throw the "How do you think his ADHD affects our relationship" thing in to see how ADHD aware the counsellor is... and also flag up that your partner may/does have a diagnosis.

After a few sessions the counsellor will probably make suggestions of things each of you do to try to make life easier... these should be pretty equal.... you try something.. he tries something.

Bear in mind that "taking the lid off" a guy who is controlling a business upon which you all depend is like opening a pressure cooker.... much steam needs to be vented before one can move the lid.... forcing the lid off quickly isn't going to benefit anybody and makes a mess of everything.

It is a good idea to have personal counselling too.

kilted

[sarahsweets]

The other question is...if he never changes can you live this way with him as a role model for your children?

[Geno]

I really don't see why the man wanting to play golf twice a week is a bad thing. He's obviously stressed. It's not like some people's fathers I knew who'd come home every night at 2am confused and **** drunk, puke on the floor, and fall asleep in said puke.

[CheekyMonkey]

Originally Posted by Geno

I really don't see why the man wanting to play golf twice a week is a bad thing. He's obviously stressed. It's not like some people's fathers I knew who'd come home every night at 2am confused and **** drunk, puke on the floor, and fall asleep in said puke.

This isn't about golf, it is about his lack of awareness about how his behavior is affecting her. I think she would be fine with him golfing is she was also able to have her own time to do things.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Geno

I really don't see why the man wanting to play golf twice a week is a bad thing. He's obviously stressed. It's not like some people's fathers I knew who'd come home every night at 2am confused and **** drunk, puke on the floor, and fall asleep in said puke.

This isnt about golf at all. Its about impulsive behavior and marriage issues.

[sscgreen]

Originally Posted by Geno

I really don't see why the man wanting to play golf twice a week is a bad thing. He's obviously stressed. It's not like some people's fathers I knew who'd come home every night at 2am confused and **** drunk, puke on the floor, and fall asleep in said puke.

No this has nothing to do with him golfing. We had an agreement between him and I that he could go anytime during the week just not weekends because that is our family time. This is about how I cannot go out for 2 flipping hours for coffee every 2weeks without it interfering with his plans. He makes no time for me. And if he were to be going out and partying only to come home and sleep in his own puke there wouldn't be a relationship. I wouldn't tolerate that at all, I'm sorry that some women you knew did. Sucks to be them.

[sscgreen]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

The other question is...if he never changes can you live this way with him as a role model for your children?

Your right. I don't think I could. Having a middle son who is extremely ADHD, would have tremendous effects on him. All kids are like sponges but my son who is ADHD is already so much like him. This is something I'm going to have to think about a lot.