Another ruined day.(this is long) Therapy with the boyfriend

[Liuka2012]

OMG! I am in the Exact same boat that you are now! I absolutely know what it is like to not have a guy there for you. My husband and I are seperated right now because of this exact same reason. He spends more time ******* and moaning about his ex-wife and how he never gets to spend anytime with his son. My step son. (I don't hate my step son, I just hate how my husband puts his son above me, his step daughter, and we have a 2 year old together).

I read everything you wrote. I left my husband for this very reason. I also am a stay at home mom. So I had no money, nothing to do during the day. I use to work fulltime, but after our two year old was born I ended up staying at home with her because she was a preamie. I ended up never going back to work. because, daycare was to much.

The funny thing is, my husband uses the excuse I work all day long. (He work's nights). I pay the bills, I take care of everything. He tells me that I just end up sitting on my butt all day long.

Which is anything from the truth. I wake up at 6am. I get all three kids ready. I take care of his son 24/7. I am up from 6am until midnight everyday taking care of the kids. Which I really don't regret nor mind. I love my children. I don't really look at my step son the way I see my other two kids.

But, I hate how my husband never sees how much I go out of my way to watch him. I have made many plans to go visit some friends of mine only to have to give them up because he tells me at the last minute that I have to watch his son. My mom can't do it all the time. I hate that.

[Beekeeper]

Jen, I just want to reach into the screen and hug you. Reading what you've struggled through makes me sad.

You mentioned that you pay child support for your daughter and when you visited, her shoes were too big and her dress was too small? Document that stuff. Take photos. It will help in the future when you fight for custody. I had a friend who went through similar stuff.

I hope you find a way to get through this quickly.

[EnergizerJen]

I think the most incredible pain I have is to be forced to watch my little girl suffer.

There were days and sometimes week at work that I wouldn't eat lunch because my baby needed or wanted something. There were times that I had to give a prize possession of mine because she had gotten sick and needed meds I couldn' afford.

Hopefully I'll get this stuff straightened out soon.

I just want to be able to take care of her.

[faye64]

EnergizerJen,
Bless your heart. I have felt so many of the emotions you write about. I know what it feels like to be paralyzed with anxiety and get so stuck in your thoughts it's hard to get anything done. I especially know what it's like to give and care for people, and get nothing in return.

Yes, your boyfriend should spend more time with you. Maybe he takes it for granted that you won't leave. Using what he reads about ADHD against you is cruel. I don't know much about cognitive behavioral therapy. In your private sessions, do you talk to your therapist about how he treats you? I really hope you get the help you deserve. Like others wrote, the therapy is for you. As hard as it may be to change, another therapist might be able to help you more. ((Hugs))

[salleh]

Awww Jen ....now with the whole story in my head , putting the your little girl, and that really ugly situation, together with the situation you're in at your house.....I got one thing to say ....


YIKES !


...Girl, I have been through some very very rough times....and none of them come close to what you're going through ......I dealt with the toughest times by hiding under the bed ...( figuratively speaking) .....at least you're still trying to find a way out .....

...and you do have one very important resource .....the internet and us ......the internet can answer a lot of questions you might have on just about anything, and we are really good at standing behind the people we care about ....and dear girl you are one of them .....

You and Fuzzy both are breaking my heart that I don't have a way to fix it for you , or for youto fix it ...well you know what I mean.....


....Considering the enourmity of what you're going through right now, I think you're doing very well.....NO ONE, under the circumstances you're in would be sailing through this ....even and NTer would be hard pressed to live easily at a time like this......

....THIS IS IMPORTANT .....I forget who said it ....but documenting the troubles and outright neglect that your ex is putting your daughter through with photos especially, is hugely important ......srsly ....get it down in photos and then label them ....write down all the stuff she is being denied, whether material things or just loving support that she isn't getting ......


....and as to not letting you see your child...this is inhuman .....reading your post over the last few months , I know that you're a loving person .....and I am appaled at the court for dening you the right to be with your child ......

....do you have a social worker? ...can you get one if you don't ? .....this will work best if you can find some one who is empathtic, and the stress they are under often burns them out fast .....so that won't be easy ....but ......it's something to try .....


the man you live with is a double jerk, cause he knows da***** well what being without your child is doing to your head ....not only does your daught have seperation issues ...YOU do too......at 9 or 10, she is probably old enough to begin to understand that your separation is not by your choice......


....continue on our path of getting an education ....have you figured out what direction you're going ? .....what career you'd like to start ? ....education is more valuable if you have a path you want to take ....you don't have the luxury of wndering around a college campus trying to find yourself .....you really need to have at least several ideas of where you're going ......

...and doi try to be practical......you might want to get the book "What Color is my Parachute ?" ...it has the best ideas for how to find your true calling and I highly recommend it ...should be available on ebay or amazon for really cheap if you get a used one ...it has been around for decades, but that author is great, and updates to book to modern methods of job finding , and is pretty current about what fields are going begging for workers......so you do want to get the latest published copy you can afford .....


...srsly that is THE most helpful resource book you can use ....It requires you to really think about what you're trying to do with your life ....and helps you find the path to get there......if nothing else I ever tell you is helpful ,....get this book .....I promise you that it will help......( and now that I have remembered it ...gonna go tell Fuzzy too! ) the conctere help in that book is geared to American, but the abstract help is useful for anyone ......

and you'll need a notebook to go with it ....there's homework ! ...


....do not ever forget, you HAVE accomplished something, you raised your daughter for all those years all by yourself ...and did a good job of it ...you head is screwed on straight about what is required to be a good parent.....


...and as a ex-substitute teacher, I saw the results of both good and bad parenting .....good is better .....


......Keep on trying girl, you have someone to live for .....2 someones ...you and your daughter .....don't let anything get in your way to get her back, and give yourself peace of mind .....

...this is a horrible time for you, but you can get through it ....you really can ....you hae come so far against some serious odds......your own background put you behind some heavy barracades and you overcame those ......


....I know it's not fair that some folks seem to breeze through life, and most folks don't have anywhere near the troubles you are dealing with now .....but that cuts no ice ....you have the life you have .....you can change some of it, some of it is in the past and you can't change that ....all you can do is take the abilities you DO have ( and that's a lot) and get on with it as best you can .......


....Keep your eyes on your goals ....getting your daughter back and making your life a good one ...that may or may not be with someone ......time will tell.....but it is always harder to not only reach your goals, but to even remember them when someone is undermining them as fast as they can .....


.....Your current guy may have paid for your re-hab or whatever, that does NOT,however, allow him to tear you apart...you might consider this .....why did he pay for all that and stick by you? .....if he loves you, then he needs to know that paying for something is easy......but supporting ( emotionally) someone who is going through serious life changes is what really counts .....


.....He has gotten a pretty big return on his money ...he has someone there for him and his kids 24/7 ......your debt is paid .....now if he loves you ...( and I don't see why on earth he wouldn't, you are a lovable and caring person) ...then he needs to be on your side...not tearing you down ....

[EnergizerJen]

Salleh-

You made me cry this morning.

The biggest thing for me is that I am missing the guidance from a mother or a father and I have been left to my own devices for so long....

I have NO people skills, no ability to be politcal, and I am a mess most of the time.

I even have fears that eventually people on here will learn to hate me and this will be over.
I haven't been guarded in what I say, but that is only because I have lived my entire life guarded and it only makes things worse.

I don't say the right things.
I don't do the right things.

But I don't wake up in the morning and say: "hey, lets see how Jen can f* up her life"


The fact that you can identify with how hard I am struggling and put some form of validation behind it makes me feel sooooo much better, thank you.

Thank you very much.


It's frequent that people say, "oh gosh, Jen is just being dramatic"

or "that girl is attention seeking"

I HATE hearing those two sentences.

The crap in my life IS dramatic.

and I am not attention seeking-this $hit is real.

Very very real.

It is almost like a journal or blog post.

To write it all out and express my "true and unguarded" feelings about what is going on in my life is very scary.

I Have spend a life time of "tricking" myself into believe I was ok. That it wasn't really bad, or I should just get over it. Coping mechanism perhaps?

My gma said I am narcissistic the other day. lmao

I wish that was the truth granny.....

If I could only be as selfish as the people around me, perhaps I would be in better shape.


I've lived in trailers, boxes, and on benches. I've fallen asleep around some very dangerous people, I've been to prison, I've gone with no food for longer than they say its possible too without dying, I've been beat, raped, left in an unfamiliar place to fend for myself, shot at, drug by my hair, and I was using drugs intravenously before the time I was 16....

You know what they said to me when I was 16-after you use a needle, you'll never get off the ****, people don't stop once they've gone that far....

I quit right after that and never looked back.

I worked hungry and tired and I bought myself (& siblings) food.

I've never begged.

I have never slept with a man for money. EVER.

and despite the most overwhelming odds, I seem to rise above the ashes of my broken life like a phoenix and create a new world.

I know I can make a new world...

I just have to _____________.


I just want to thank all of you who have personally messaged or shown your support for me here lately. This is what has given me the drive to keep going. It's been a dark and scary time for me recently and I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. The validation and understanding I have received here is more than I have ever gotten in my ENTIRE life. I know I'm not perfect and I have made some BIG MISTAKES, but for all of you to look past my mistakes and find it in your heart to encourage me... all I can say is I Love You. Love is the strongest word you can use and I do, very much. Thank you for taking the time out of your own tumultuous day to read and respond to me.

I know my crap can be over the top, WOW, but for the first time in my 28 years of existence, there are people who understand and you can't imagine how greatful and appreciative I am.

[DvlsAdv0c8]

Originally Posted by EnergizerJen

I even have fears that eventually people on here will learn to hate me and this will be over. I haven't been guarded in what I say, but that is only because I have lived my entire life guarded and it only makes things worse.

This reminds me of a song:

Do you remember when you'd pray to never see the day
when someone would make you feel this way
'Cause you knew they would cut right through you
and once inside, you were afraid they'd find
nothing to hold on to...

- Cowboy Junkies, Ring on the Sill

Margo Timmins has the most amazing voice...I can totally relate to this feeling. But it's wrong.

All of the support you've given to those who have really needed on here, while working through your own problems, has been amazing to see.

Have you ever considered becoming a counselor or social worker of some kind? Advocating for people who can't do it themselves? I think you would do very well at something like that. Your are a very smart, compassionate person.

And all that stuff Salleh said - she is wise, you would do well to heed her advice!

[BR549]

Originally Posted by EnergizerJen

I just want to thank all of you who have personally messaged or shown your support for me here lately. This is what has given me the drive to keep going. It's been a dark and scary time for me recently and I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. The validation and understanding I have received here is more than I have ever gotten in my ENTIRE life. I know I'm not perfect and I have made some BIG MISTAKES, but for all of you to look past my mistakes and find it in your heart to encourage me... all I can say is I Love You. Love is the strongest word you can use and I do, very much. Thank you for taking the time out of your own tumultuous day to read and respond to me.

I know my crap can be over the top, WOW, but for the first time in my 28 years of existence, there are people who understand and you can't imagine how greatful and appreciative I am.

None of us is perfect. Coming here and finding others who feel the same way, who have experienced the same types of trials and who understand each other is like finding an Oasis in the desert--after wandering around looking for it your whole life.

You are right about love, though. I am not just "fond" on the members here. I love the members here. Everyone constantly supports and validates each other. Sure there are disagreements, but at the end of the day, we are all in this together and we are all here for the same reasons. You should know that you have been a member who has selflessly given back and supported others here. So, thank YOU for that. I appreciate and am grateful for you

You are a truly wonderful and remarkable person and I hope that you don't let anyone ever convince you that you aren't.

[EnergizerJen]

Saw my daughter for one hour tonight for the first time in two weeks. Her hair is chopped all off, it looks like she stuck her head in a blender, she's dressed like a homeless child....

i bought her $75 shoes and $400 worth of clothes
I begged her dad 3 weeks ago to let me take her to get her hair cut

She's sad, she has no friends at school, she's lonely.
She has adhd. I can see it sooo clearly.

She's in trouble for not sitting still...
For not listening...
She said she tries...
She said she has no friends..

I called her dad to ask him about it and he has his mom (who HATES my daughter) swoop in to pick her up not thirty minutes after I got there..


It's like I'm drowning, gasping for air and there is NO air-

I get home and "ruck up" for the boyfriend. Who gets home and asks me to go pick up his son from football practice..
He thought I was gone and when I came around the corner to ask for his truck keys, he's hiding **** in his closet...

I can't even speak. So thankfully I can type...
I have been puking for 2 hours.
I can't catch my breath.


If I could save myself or my baby...
I would give my life to end her suffering.

I'm living my worst nightmare every single day.




I'll make it because I won't accept defeat. but OMG.
Who knew one woman could endure this much pain.
To the point of sheer madness.


Unrelated: I'm in school for psychology degree... social work...
Hope I make it.

[Rebelyell]

[salleh]

Jen .....I have been through some times that I thought I was going crazy .....can it really be this bad ? .....yes it can .......

you're not crazy, or overdramatic ....you're living a nightmare .....


the stories I read here from you and several others break my heart .....you all are such nice people, such good hearts,.....such caring people....and the human monsters just seem to gravitate to you and then delight in stomping on you .....


but isn't "his" mom, her grandmother ??? ....a grandmother who doesn't love and dote on her granddaughter ???? What a B**** .....and to take out her dislike on a child ?>???????????? ...

Monsters I tell you, you're dealing with monsters......

duh Salleh, like she doesn't know that .....you're not imagining it dearest girl .....these are real human monsters.....


all I can say ...is keep your head down, and follow that path to get you out of there, and convince the court system that you are a responsible mother .....don't be sidetracked by anything else ......


and I wish I could be more help about your daughter .....you must be going through sheer agonya true mom feels more pain for her child than for herself ....and that's you to a "t" .....

...Someone mentioned finding a lawyer to do "pro bono" work for you ....is there a legal aid group somewhere near where you live ?....aha @! here's where the internet is a big help .....check out there to see if you can find anything .....if you don't have a lawyer, you really need to get one ....there are lawyers who will help for no money, under your circumstances ....

....get a cheap digital camera,....and there are really cheap ones out there, or go to ebay for one ...and the cards are cheap also, much cheaper than film used to be ....

and document document document .........get a notebook and write all this down ....don't forget to date it .....


this is really important Jen .....it will help you in court ....

what your ex is doing to this child is criminal ......and the sooner you stop it the better for your daughter ......and you will need help to do this ......


so, your homework,..... get camera, card, and notebook,. and start to look up legal aid firms and groups ......


....if you can take these steps, it should really help your head too ....cause you'll be working in a concrete manner towards getting your daughter back .....

....focus on the future.....while documenting the present ....learn fro the past, but don't let it get you down, or make you feel unworthy ....you're a fine person ....and you deserve a good life ......

...but you are gonna hafta battle some monsters to get it .....and once that's done ....you can start to lead a normal ( such as it is ) life .....but you do have those battles to face before that can happen .....


we're here for you ........

[AnnaVerdi]

I'm sorry, I understand your frustration, but coming from someone with two kids... if I EVER knew that my boyfriend referred to my kids the way you are referring to his, I would never speak to him again.

[AnnaVerdi]

I am really sorry... I was not at all trying to be mean, and I am sorry if I came off that way. It's just that, although he does owe you time as his girlfriend, kids always come first. No matter what. ...and if this is something you are having a hard time accepting, then he just may not be the one for you...

[salleh]

anna...did you read all her posts.???? and she is venting here......it is different from real life in that she might say something you disapprove of, but I would bet big money, she treats those kids fine......

[amberwillow]

You said your therapist said you should stay put for now??

It's not your therapist's job to TELL you that. It's his/her job to support you towards discovering what YOU want to do.

Therapy should be empowering you and your decisions.
Warm thoughts and hugs Jen...

You can do it!