How do people keep friends these days?

[Higher Sunshine]

I'm 32 years old, and it seems like the older I get the stupider my friends get. It's either that, or I'm turning into the old lady on the corner.

My one friend has a 10 year old son, and has had 4 "serious, live-in" relationships this year. My other friend has a college degree, has been working for 10 years- full time, and has been driving on a suspended and expired license with her 2 kids in the car........for over two years. TWO YEARS! Her excuse is she "doesnt have any money". Guess where she and her husband and their 2 kids will be this weekend? Vacation.

I have story after story like this. Then there are those friends who are just always too busy with life to call, or hang out. They're always overwhelmed or have "SO MUCH GOING ON LATELY".
B.S.! Now, granted some of those people are busy or married.... or just boring. But why is it so hard to stay connected these days? It takes 30 seconds to send a text message. WTF??? Now, if I organize a party (I throw damn good parties btw) people do come. Or if I arrange get togethers people show up, so it's not like they don't like me. Or if I call them, they will answer their phone. But why is it always me...thinking of them? I feel like the only people who hang out regularly are the alcoholics and druggies. Those people are on my last nerve too. I got invited to go to the beach to do "shrooms" not that long ago. Are you kidding me? We're in our 30's! And those people are full on professionals too! Your mouth would drop open if you knew what they did.

Where did all the cool people go?
I feel like people only want friends when they need to talk about problems, or when they need a bridal party. Or when they need someone to drink with or "meet people" with. I don't even know these days. It's making me want to shrink my circle, and only hang out with older people...... or family friends and family members.

I'm sorry, I can't be happy about you telling me ANOTHER guy loves your son....and you just met him 5 weeks ago.~~~~~Yet I'm supposed to be happy, or I'm not a supportive friend. What is this crap? What happened to good times, and fun, and good friends sticking together..... and making the most out of life?

Did I miss something? What is all this crap .....It's depressing!

[sarahsweets]

I usually tie tie them up and hold them hostage.

[Geno]

Age and drug use don't correlate. I know tons and tons of 40+ year olds who are hooked on opiates, they just don't advertise it nearly as much as people in their teens and 20s.

[kilted_scotsman]

What people want from "friends" and are prepared to give changes over time.

Sounds like you're going through one of those changes..... and are in danger of asphyxiating your inner child.

Too many people try to grow up too fast and don't realise what a dead end being "grown up" is. It's not the drugs you take or the silly/juvenile/unprofessional things you do that matter.... it's what you learn from those experiences that makes you truly mature.

Maybe out of that 'shroom" beach group there's one person who'll be cool in a decade... maybe they won't be hanging out on a beach with a bunch of professionals playing at being 20..... but they may well be till partaking of the odd bit of recreation that would make your mouth drop open if you knew about it.

I certainly hope I will.... though if I'm up-tight at the moment.... I'm working on finding my inner child and giving him a bit of CPR.

kilted

[fracturedstory]

I get asked out a lot and don't usually go because I have issues socialising and quite frankly I think everyone in the world wants to kill me. So I have some issues. My friends probably think the same thing of me you do of your friends.

I can't juggle a lot of things too. So yeah I'm busy, and paranoid.

The other stuff does sounds pretty stupid. I'm kind of a legal beagle surrounded by a bunch of, well...convicts. I think that's an apt comparison.

Anyway, don't take this the wrong way but if you want people to appreciate you then you need to appreciate them back. It doesn't sound like you do. Complaining about what they tell you about. Well, maybe they feel the same way about what you have to say yet are kind enough not to let you know how they feel.

I just hang out with my family. My family is cool.

I know people in their late 30s who drink and take drugs, and let their adult kids take drugs. I'm 26 and I barely drink anymore. I guess that makes me boring but it's for health reasons. Not living healthier but not convulsing and dying type of health reasons.

What do you want out of friends? It sounds to me like you wish you were 18. Well people grow up, have families, get more responsibilities and can't always hang out. I know a lot of people in their 30's and they always end up staying with their kids. One other friend acts more like she's 16 and goes out a lot, doesn't work and pretty much asks people to come out with her.

People probably only talk to you when they need help whether emotionally or functionally because it's a little bit more important than just hanging out and having fun. They need support. They could have easily not asked for you help and then you wouldn't hear from them at all.

I'm 26, single and I just don't want to do the party thing anymore. I've matured while she hasn't. I have a 'friend' who is 19 who drives me nuts with her level of immaturity.

Anyway, I can't stand complainers. If you want to know what's going on with your friends talk it over with them. Otherwise it's just gossip and nothing is going to change.

[Geno]

Originally Posted by fracturedstory

I get asked out a lot and don't usually go because I have issues socialising and quite frankly I think everyone in the world wants to kill me. So I have some issues. My friends probably think the same thing of me you do of your friends.

I can't juggle a lot of things too. So yeah I'm busy, and paranoid.

The other stuff does sounds pretty stupid. I'm kind of a legal beagle surrounded by a bunch of, well...convicts. I think that's an apt comparison.

Anyway, don't take this the wrong way but if you want people to appreciate you then you need to appreciate them back. It doesn't sound like you do. Complaining about what they tell you about. Well, maybe they feel the same way about what you have to say yet are kind enough not to let you know how they feel.

I just hang out with my family. My family is cool.

I know people in their late 30s who drink and take drugs, and let their adult kids take drugs. I'm 26 and I barely drink anymore. I guess that makes me boring but it's for health reasons. Not living healthier but not convulsing and dying type of health reasons.

What do you want out of friends? It sounds to me like you wish you were 18. Well people grow up, have families, get more responsibilities and can't always hang out. I know a lot of people in their 30's and they always end up staying with their kids. One other friend acts more like she's 16 and goes out a lot, doesn't work and pretty much asks people to come out with her.

People probably only talk to you when they need help whether emotionally or functionally because it's a little bit more important than just hanging out and having fun. They need support. They could have easily not asked for you help and then you wouldn't hear from them at all.

I'm 26, single and I just don't want to do the party thing anymore. I've matured while she hasn't. I have a 'friend' who is 19 who drives me nuts with her level of immaturity.

Anyway, I can't stand complainers. If you want to know what's going on with your friends talk it over with them. Otherwise it's just gossip and nothing is going to change.

I'm 19 myself, so, I'm curious what your immature 19 year old friend did to make her so immature? :P

[keliza]

It sounds like you and your old friends are just in different places, and while those friendships may have been great at first, they aren't suiting your needs now. That's not really anybody's fault, not yours or theirs, it's just how people grow and change. Some people grow together, others grow apart. Some people grow apart for a while, then find each other again at a later point in their lives when they are on the same track again. Some people are always going to be those touch-and-go friends who you catch up with every few months or once a year, but that's about it.

I have a small handful of people I would consider my "best friends", my closest friends, the people who I talk to and hang out with most often and who I share the intimate details of my life with. These are my "bury a dead body" people, if you will. One of them has been my best friend since kindergarten. We are in our mid 20s now. One became my best friend in high school. The other two I met in college. Those four people are the closest friends I have in the world, and we all met each other at different stages and phases in our lives. My college friends know me in a different way than my best friend of 20 years, but I am still close with all of them and love them all dearly.

I made plenty of friends in college, but I have only stayed close with a handful of them. Some friends I lost touch with over distance, but others I am still very close to even though we live on opposite coasts. Some people are just doing different things with their lives right now than I am - some are married, or starting families, or living overseas, or have full-time jobs that take up all of their time. Some are more involved with their new work friends or friends in the new city they moved to, so we just don't talk much anymore. But some friends I keep up with despite all of those challenges, because those friendships just keep working, and the others didn't. It's not anybody's fault, we just went separate ways.

If you don't like the direction your friendships are going, maybe it's time to say goodbye to those. Not in a dramatic "we're not friends anymore" sort of way, but just let them quietly fade out. Stop calling and making plans, since they can't be arsed to make plans with you. If those people call you up 6 months from now and want to hang out, then sure, meet up with them and catch up. It doesn't have to be a thing where you get mad at them and never speak to them again. But if someone else isn't putting the kind of effort into a friendship that you are, I think it's just time to let that friendship go.

[rockydaydreamer]

Unfortunately, true friends who stick together are hard to find.

[And a RANT ensues...]
Take facebook for example, some have like over 500 friends, many of which probably only became friends because of a common interest, such as Farmville. Seriously, if you go to the farmville fan page, you will find people BEGGING you to add them as a friend so they can be your neighbor on their facebook. But are they REALLY your friends? NO! All they care about is their stupid farm!

rawr

[Slo-mo a-go-go]

i know the frustrated feeling- not really connecting w/ the people you're close to. 32 also btw

i was feeling that way but when evac'd 4 isaac, i got to visit my old dear friend from 5th-12th grade. it was that kindred spirit feeling and we are so different. she's so responsible and has 2 kiddos, she's always been much more mature than me...but we just really care abt each other, not farmville to quote rockymtn's example.

well, we're not completely different, we're both odd ducks and really relate to /comfort one another in that way

now my faith in humanity and there being cool people- restored. if you talked to me abt this subj a week bf that, i was singing the 'where are all the cool people tune'

[NickL30]

Originally Posted by Higher Sunshine

I'm 32 years old, and it seems like the older I get the stupider my friends get. It's either that, or I'm turning into the old lady on the corner.

My one friend has a 10 year old son, and has had 4 "serious, live-in" relationships this year. My other friend has a college degree, has been working for 10 years- full time, and has been driving on a suspended and expired license with her 2 kids in the car........for over two years. TWO YEARS! Her excuse is she "doesnt have any money". Guess where she and her husband and their 2 kids will be this weekend? Vacation.

I have story after story like this. Then there are those friends who are just always too busy with life to call, or hang out. They're always overwhelmed or have "SO MUCH GOING ON LATELY".
B.S.! Now, granted some of those people are busy or married.... or just boring. But why is it so hard to stay connected these days? It takes 30 seconds to send a text message. WTF??? Now, if I organize a party (I throw damn good parties btw) people do come. Or if I arrange get togethers people show up, so it's not like they don't like me. Or if I call them, they will answer their phone. But why is it always me...thinking of them? I feel like the only people who hang out regularly are the alcoholics and druggies. Those people are on my last nerve too. I got invited to go to the beach to do "shrooms" not that long ago. Are you kidding me? We're in our 30's! And those people are full on professionals too! Your mouth would drop open if you knew what they did.

Where did all the cool people go?
I feel like people only want friends when they need to talk about problems, or when they need a bridal party. Or when they need someone to drink with or "meet people" with. I don't even know these days. It's making me want to shrink my circle, and only hang out with older people...... or family friends and family members.

I'm sorry, I can't be happy about you telling me ANOTHER guy loves your son....and you just met him 5 weeks ago.~~~~~Yet I'm supposed to be happy, or I'm not a supportive friend. What is this crap? What happened to good times, and fun, and good friends sticking together..... and making the most out of life?

Did I miss something? What is all this crap .....It's depressing!

At least you have friends or people to invite if you were organizing a party. I don't really have any friends or acquaintances. I did hang out with this one guy a few times over the summer until I figured out that he was likely using me as a source of funds to give him to buy beer & whiskey as well as to chauffeur from the gym to his house to his friends places to drink. Since Alcohol and sucking on the bong gives me a buzz for maybe 2 hours followed by depression & malaise the next day, I quickly lost interest.

I assume that the reason why is that I am not 'cool enough'. I am 37, yes I have the latest 'toys' (latest IPAD, Samsung Galaxy III phone, Macbook Air etc..) and think I dress respectively but people treat me as if I don't exist and act standoffish/annoyed in my presence.

Seriously, I don't even know what people in my age group (mid 30's & older) do. I have accepted the fact that I will never own a home, never get married, probably always have marginal employment prospects (scattered temp work at best).

[NickL30]

Originally Posted by Geno

Age and drug use don't correlate. I know tons and tons of 40+ year olds who are hooked on opiates, they just don't advertise it nearly as much as people in their teens and 20s.

well the doctors hand them out like candy (maybe not hard narcotic opiates) but stuff like Adderall, Xanax, SSRI's Yes... Last year at this time I started on 20MG
of Prozac. Now I up to 80MG of Prozac, 40MG of Adderall, 1800MG of Gabapentin, and now Ambien because I have a very hard time sleeping

[Higher Sunshine]

Originally Posted by fracturedstory

Anyway, don't take this the wrong way but if you want people to appreciate you then you need to appreciate them back. It doesn't sound like you do. Complaining about what they tell you about. Well, maybe they feel the same way about what you have to say yet are kind enough not to let you know how they feel.

What do you want out of friends? It sounds to me like you wish you were 18. Well people grow up, have families, get more responsibilities and can't always hang out. I know a lot of people in their 30's and they always end up staying with their kids. One other friend acts more like she's 16 and goes out a lot, doesn't work and pretty much asks people to come out with her.
.

I rarely complain. I put on a happy face and smile when my friend tells me she's moving in with ANOTHER man with her child this month. I put on a smile when my friend says she literally can't afford day care, yet she just invited me out to lunch. Where do I draw the line??

It's not about wishing I was 18. I feel like theyre the ones who are 18. I never said I wanted to party all day. If I did I'd be with the group that are the concert hopping, drug taking, STLL raging on, group that I have semi outgrown. Yes, those people are great. Theyre making money. They don't have children. Now if they only took it down a knotch, I would love to see them more often than once or twice a year.

Someone mentioned their very close girlfriends. These are mine. Yes they are friends from YEARS ago,but I love them no less. I think the best idea is to , as you said, make a inconspicuous exit. I think I need to distance myself from the situation. It's never a bad time to regroup as an individual.

I recently read that it's very important to surround yourself with things that make you happy. I never once understood that to mean....... Cut out the things that don't make you happy.

I think for a while at least, I'm going to focus on the things and people that really make me happy. Stress comes in subtle forms...... and i think these forms have been my long time friends.

I love them, but after a while , as theyre sinking themselves... they start to sink others.

[NickL30]

Originally Posted by Higher Sunshine

I rarely complain. I put on a happy face and smile when my friend tells me she's moving in with ANOTHER man with her child this month. I put on a smile when my friend says she literally can't afford day care, yet she just invited me out to lunch. Where do I draw the line??

It's not about wishing I was 18. I feel like theyre the ones who are 18. I never said I wanted to party all day. If I did I'd be with the group that are the concert hopping, drug taking, STLL raging on, group that I have semi outgrown. Yes, those people are great. Theyre making money. They don't have children. Now if they only took it down a knotch, I would love to see them more often than once or twice a year.

Someone mentioned their very close girlfriends. These are mine. Yes they are friends from YEARS ago,but I love them no less. I think the best idea is to , as you said, make a inconspicuous exit. I think I need to distance myself from the situation. It's never a bad time to regroup as an individual.

I recently read that it's very important to surround yourself with things that make you happy. I never once understood that to mean....... Cut out the things that don't make you happy.

I think for a while at least, I'm going to focus on the things and people that really make me happy. Stress comes in subtle forms...... and i think these forms have been my long time friends.

I love them, but after a while , as theyre sinking themselves... they start to sink others.

Many of these types of people are users who are mostly shallow & full of themselves. Oh yes, when they need money to pay for their social drinking habit they are right there or as I was invited to a few parties to see how I would look getting drunk while taking Adderall (fortunately nothing bad happened).. But I have to say, maybe it is because I am getting older but I find that many in their 20's & 30's wear me down with their constant fake manic personalities and how life is this one big party.

[spunkysmum]

Originally Posted by rockydaydreamer

Unfortunately, true friends who stick together are hard to find.

[And a RANT ensues...]
Take facebook for example, some have like over 500 friends, many of which probably only became friends because of a common interest, such as Farmville. Seriously, if you go to the farmville fan page, you will find people BEGGING you to add them as a friend so they can be your neighbor on their facebook. But are they REALLY your friends? NO! All they care about is their stupid farm!

rawr

They made it so you can add neighbors now without having to be friends with them.

[Higher Sunshine]

Haha.... neighbors. Yes. An old forgotten truth. I've been living in a condo in a hotel for so many years I forgor what "Normal" life is. It's been very nice, But yes it is not the best for making long term friends.

Thanks for all of the responses.