Sassy and Defiant Attitude

[ollieblueeyes]

I am new and looking for parents who have been there done that! DD1 is 10 in 5th grade and was diagnosed w/ADHD 4 years ago. She is generally a good kid but has really been testing her limits with me the last few months (especially before her meds take effect or when they have worn off). I think I may have broken teeth soon from clenching my jaw so hard at times!

[ollieblueeyes]

Sorry..hit enter to soon and could not edit.

She is constantly challenging me and telling. Me I can't make her do anything. I am really tired of the constant power struggles all day everyday. Any suggestions on how to avoid them?

[JenE]

Welcome to the Tweens! I'm not sure if this is an ADHD thing or a puberty thing. I've been dealing with this with my NT 12yo DD for a few years. I wish I had a magic wand for it. Keep a calm voice. Stay consistent with expectations and consequences. Make sure she has some power in making decisions--give her choices that are acceptable to you but she gets to pick and you go with her decision. Don't engage in a power struggle. If she gets attention for it, she'll continue. Walk away.

These are trying times! Hang in there.

[ccom5100]

Originally Posted by JenE

Welcome to the Tweens! I'm not sure if this is an ADHD thing or a puberty thing. I've been dealing with this with my NT 12yo DD for a few years. I wish I had a magic wand for it. Keep a calm voice. Stay consistent with expectations and consequences. Make sure she has some power in making decisions--give her choices that are acceptable to you but she gets to pick and you go with her decision. Don't engage in a power struggle. If she gets attention for it, she'll continue. Walk away.
These are trying times! Hang in there.

Great advice. I've been going through this also with my 13 year old. I definitely try to react (or not) just as Jen mentions, but sometimes it is very hard to walk away when you really just want to bash their heads in!

ollieblueeyes, I had to get a mouth guard from the dentist to wear at night because of all the "teeth clenching" I've been doing.

[Ms. Mango]

Can you give some examples?

My son is a bit younger and I'm finding he is a bit more defiant lately. But my friends with NT kids the same age are saying the same thing about their kids. So, I think some of it is definitely the age he's at.

I'm aware of when his medication wears off and what he will/won't be able to do. There are certain things I don't ask him to do when his medication has worn off. Also, if we seem to be butting heads over something I try to change things so it doesn't happen (as much).

For example, I have a very simple request for DS every school morning. Wake up, get dressed (he and I lay out his clothes the night before), come downstairs for breakfast. Simple, right? By the end of last school year he was doing really well with this and we had few arguments about it. Yet when this school year started we were arguing about it nearly every weekday. Why? I often found him sitting in bed, in PJs, playing on his Nintendo.

So now he hands it over every school night and it's waiting for him downstairs. He can have it after breakfast and meds. Initially we fought over him having to give it to me in addition to him not getting dressed--so things got worse instead of better. Very quickly though he realized if he did what was asked of him he'd get the Nintendo that much sooner so it encourages him to get moving in the morning.

Look at the issues where you're arguing with one another and see if there are specific changes you can make.

[ollieblueeyes]

She will argue about pretty much anything. The morning routine is pretty rough. I decided to give the girls an incentive. If they woke up and came down quickly without prodding, they could pick what they have for bfast. She came down in her robe without getinng dressed and had to be sent up to get dressed. Then she did not want to bring a lunch and I could not make her.

Food is a pretty common debate as she is 54 inches and 63 lbs. She is a competative gymnast and is all muscle with very low body fat. Her practices are about 3 hrs long 3xs a week so her nutrition needs are high. I know that her meds kill her appetite, but she gets migranes and I think not eating is a trigger.

Also this AM she actually had an accident trying so hard to pass gas trying to be funny. She was tormenting her sister by taking her treats out of her lunch box and looking at me for a reaction. I actually slapped her wrist for this one (Not something I am happy about...).

A typical morning finds her sister sitting on the couch, coat on and ready to go for about 1/2 hr before DD1 is ready to leave.

I really like to pick what I call her on,thus the sore jaw. Maybe I should get a guard to wear in the AM.

[mommytriz]

My immediate reply to my child ( ADHD or NT) if they tried to tell me I couldn't make her do anything would be, yep, I guess I can't, but it also works in the reverse. You can't make me do anything either. So say good bye to me driving you to sleep overs, playdates, soccer games, dance class etc, etc. ALL the fun stuff they love is not a right, it is a priviledge. This doesn't help I guess if they don't have activities they would rather stop breathing than miss.

Take a lesson from the horse whisperer, lol. Disengage, turn your back and see how fast they chase after you ready to do your bidding. Works great if they don't think your as invested as you really are. It's got to be a bluff your willing to make good on or it doesn't work.

Good luck, this parenting gig is tough !!!

[JenE]

Our morning routine involves getting the "yukky stuff" done before the good stuff. We use "When/Then" statements. "When" you are dressed and your bookbag is ready for school, "then" you may eat breakfast. We also have a time that the kitchen closes. After that, no breakfast or its something they have to eat on the way tos chool. My DS never lost breakfast but my daughter has a few times. I always stay calm and remind them of the routine and that it is their choice.

Of course if breakfast isn't a "high value" activity for your child, then choose something else that is. If my son is ready for school and fed before time to leave, he can play on his DS or iTouch or watch TV.

[Ms. Mango]

The food debate is one that's pretty common. Is it possible for her to eat at the gym if she's hungry? You can pack her some snacks. I've found with my son that he often isn't hungry, but when he is he needs to eat right away. I usually carry at least a granola bar and water for that reason. She'll need a lot more than that with her schedule, but can you pack some calorie dense foods like peanut butter?

The rest of it--she's very good at pushing your buttons. It doesn't help that there is another child she can annoy. She wants attention any way she can get it. My son does the same thing--I often catch him out of the corner of my eye doing something he knows he shouldn't and looking right at me while he's doing it. Ignore, ignore, ignore. It will get worse before it gets better as she tries harder to get a reaction, so hang on!

Mornings are tough. A co-worker whose daughter has ADHD told me she once took her to school in her PJ's. Just threw her clothes in her backpack and had her get on the bus. Only had to do it once (she did have to pack breakfast items regularly, though). I told DS about that and said it sounded like a good idea to me. DS was mortified, but fortunately I've never had to do it.

[Amtram]

Consequences must be immediate and directly related to the behavior. This is hard, but it's worth it.

She can't make you pack a lunch for her. She can't make you drive her places (even sucking up the cost of a missed lesson for you would be worth it for her to miss going someplace she likes as a consequence for giving you a hassle right before it's time to go.) She can't make you do her laundry - she's old enough to use the machine, young enough to prefer that you do it for her.

Did you make her clean up after her "accident"? That's one of those things that's worth standing over her and watching her and not letting her off the hook until the job is done to perfection. Immediate, direct consequences. Not punishment. (And if it makes her late to school, let her explain it to the teacher. . .)

[Andi2]

Our morning routine can also get out of hand if we don't manage it well. Most importantly, we get the meds down the moment DS opens his eyes. We also have the no TV / Nintendo / PSP rule until everyone ate breakfast, got dressed and got their bags ready. We also have the sassy / defiant attitude problem when DS's meds wear off, but I also get it from my NT 10yo (and my 3yo copies them!). I've always tried to pick my battles, and keep few but clear house rules.

[SquarePeg]

Not been there and done it, just here and doing it. I have 13 year old son recently ADD diagnosed. He´s currently not on meds and I have noticed his behaviour changing over the last 18 months, I think it´s a puberty thing.

He likes to watch Malcolm in the middle in the mornings so he has to get up earlier, get dressed and fully prepared and then he is rewarded with the tv. He only gets to watch 10 of it before the school bus.

I try to sweat the important stuff only. He and I both find it easier if we have strict rules that don´t change, then he knows where he is.

He finds inconsistency with rules difficult to cope with and negotiating can go on and on forever.

Like others on here, I try and just sweat the big stuff so we don´t have loads of rules. Good example is his room, traditionally a disaster zone. He gets a room inspection once a week on a certain day and time. The rest of the time I am banned!!

[ollieblueeyes]

So sorry for the post and run!

We really don't do much more than get ready in the AM so its just a contant direction, redirection, reminder cycle we do. The post was made in a moment of complete frustration that parents of ADHD kids can understand. It seems that I am always in conflict w/this child. I try not to engage, but at times it is impossible.

After a nice weekend with her Monday was much better and she was able to use the computer in the AM before school. I plan to use that and remind her of the possibility upon waking.

Thanks for listening!