can an excess of care and affection have similar negative effects to neglects?

[Fuzzy12]

I'm not sure where to post this. Dizfriz' article on the effects of early neglect in very early childhood on emotional, cognitive and social behaviourgot me thinking. What if you've grown up in exactly the opposite circumstances. What if you were showered with so much love and affection that it left a long lasting negative impression on you? I guess it depends on the type of affection and how healthy it is. My parents have always been extremely caring. But their love was extremely co dependent and the extent not necessarily healthy.

I mean I've always felt as if my parents extreme love was more of a burden. Oh god, i do realise how horrible that sounds and probably i really just am a horrible and ungrateful person. I appreciate everything my parents have done and are doing for me but knowing how important i was to them was a big pressure. A responsibility. I always felt responsible for their happiness and as if their well being depended on me. It's not just that they needed and asked for too much emotional support than i could give at that young age but i also always felt that because they loved me so much i had to constantly pretend that i was fine and happy because otherwise they would have been miserable with worry.

In spite of all the love i was showered with i often felt alone isolated and overwhelmed. I could never go to my parents for support because i thought they cared so much that it made them vulnerable. I didn't think they could objectively help me with my problems or handle the fact that i have problems and am not perfectly fine. What I'm trying to say is can an excess of love have the same effect as physical isolation or neglect? I'm not sure if0this makes any sense. Don't get me wrong pls. They were amazing parents and would be shocked to think that i never felt like i could depend on them or confide in them since they were so invested in me. It's my fault that i perceived it that way.

But irrespective of blame could there feelings from early childhood on have a similar effec t or probably a reduced effect to neglect? Can you be isolated and have your emotional needs neglected because of excessive love lib feels more like a burden. Sorry if that makes little sense and also if this isn't the right board. And the wall of text. I'm on my mobile and newline doesn't work.

[spunkysmum]

Oddly, I've often wondered for some years now, even though of all the kids in the family I probably gave my parents the least trouble in terms of acting out or doing things I shouldn't, whether having me as a child must have been difficult (and maybe still is difficult to an extent) simply because I am so independent in some ways. Even when I am technically dependent in my circumstances, in my mind and my heart I am still independent, keeping things to myself, never really confiding my innermost thoughts and feelings. What must it feel like to have a child like that? Must it not hurt sometimes? It makes me sad to consider that the little things I do open up about and confide - sometimes maybe in an Adderall-induced bout of loquaciousness - seem to me to be received like bits of meat falling off the table to a hungry waiting dog, especially when it's my mother I'm talking to. I get the sense that she's responding the way I might respond to an unexpected approach by a skittery cat whose trust I've been longing to earn. Trying to appear and sound calm and relaxed, enjoy the moment as long as it lasts.

However, this putting myself in their shoes and feeling badly thinking about the hurt I might have caused, does not seem to make it any easier to change. When I think about it, I usually think about it in the way you think about anything that seems rather sad, but just is what it is.

But though I can identify with much you've said, I'm not sure that I'd describe my parents as extremely affectionate and demonstrative. I always knew that they loved me and love me, but I don't remember being smothered by it, you know? So I don't know if I know the answer to your specific question.

[Amtram]

It could be a fine line between being frightened of disappointing your parents because they'd punish you or withdraw affection and being afraid of disappointing your parents because they treat you like you can do no wrong, dontcha think?

[ginniebean]

I'm going to say no. Affection doesn't come with strings attached. If it does it's combined with something toxic.

Same with care, real care allows for struggle. In any case, I'd rather see a child on the spoiled side than on the abused and neglected side.

[Barliman]

The short answer is yes.
A toddler with an over protective mother is likely to feel frustrated, and to demand independence. They are likely to grow to adults with higher needs for distance in relationships- and those needs may not match the needs of their partners- who might prefer more closeness.( We choose partners on the basis of a complex mix of factors).

In early life- the colicky child is likely to draw a lot of maternal attention and maybe more eye contact than the baby is comfortable with. Again- the maternal (or paternal) attention and eye contact may be invasive.

The good news is that most parenting is "good enough"- and that lapses from good attunement, followed by being re- collected by the parent, are part of proper maturation. If the infant experiences no adversity- then he/she won't be tough enough to live in this world.

I am having some interesting conversations with a psychologist I am training with, and an analyst I am seeing. We ALL believe that, despite the orthodoxy of psychodynamic theory, the really serious emotional traumas get inflicted on kids at school.

That fits for me.

[Barliman]

Originally Posted by spunkysmum

Oddly, I've often wondered for some years now, even though of all the kids in the family I probably gave my parents the least trouble in terms of acting out or doing things I shouldn't, whether having me as a child must have been difficult (and maybe still is difficult to an extent) simply because I am so independent in some ways. Even when I am technically dependent in my circumstances, in my mind and my heart I am still independent, keeping things to myself, never really confiding my innermost thoughts and feelings. What must it feel like to have a child like that? Must it not hurt sometimes? It makes me sad to consider that the little things I do open up about and confide - sometimes maybe in an Adderall-induced bout of loquaciousness - seem to me to be received like bits of meat falling off the table to a hungry waiting dog, especially when it's my mother I'm talking to. I get the sense that she's responding the way I might respond to an unexpected approach by a skittery cat whose trust I've been longing to earn. Trying to appear and sound calm and relaxed, enjoy the moment as long as it lasts.

However, this putting myself in their shoes and feeling badly thinking about the hurt I might have caused, does not seem to make it any easier to change. When I think about it, I usually think about it in the way you think about anything that seems rather sad, but just is what it is.

But though I can identify with much you've said, I'm not sure that I'd describe my parents as extremely affectionate and demonstrative. I always knew that they loved me and love me, but I don't remember being smothered by it, you know? So I don't know if I know the answer to your specific question.

This has played out in an interesting way with my mother- I had a very close relationship with her as a child. She became anxious later, and I felt forced to act as her carer often- to the point of curtailing my social life when at university.

Later the closeness meant i was almost unable to screen out her anxiety and always ended up feeling really uncomfortable around her.
(This is called affective empathy). I have only really just learned the art of staying cool and level in her presence.

[crystal8080]

Were you taught to always smile and be happy? Did you learn what sad was? What angry was? Were they always asking you, "Are you ok? Are you ok?" to the point you knew you always had to answer "Yes"?

I don't think you are horrible or ungrateful for saying you had parents who loved you too much. Whether you grow up neglected or smothered you are not in an environment to develop and learn the spectrum of human emotion.

[sarek]

Sometimes I wonder if its even possible to avoid all the million pitfalls of parenting.

[crystal8080]

Originally Posted by sarek

Sometimes I wonder if its even possible to avoid all the million pitfalls of parenting.

No kidding. Its hard to be a parent. I just hope my kids turn out ok and know I did my best.

[Dizfriz]

Sometimes I feel that despite my best efforts, my kids turned out pretty good.

Generally speaking, good enough is usually good enough. Be proud of the days you can achieve this. Kids are resilient and can survive our efforts to be perfect parents so I suspect being good enough has more of an impact than trying to be perfect.


We can't be perfect but we can be "good enough".

Dizfriz

[TygerSan]

There has been some interesting press surrounding too much praise, in particular. Research seems to indicate that too much praise rings pretty darned hollow, even to kids. So, in a sense, yes, I think that there is such a thing as being too cared for.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/1...o-much-praise/

http://www.scholastic.com/teachers/a...uch-good-thing

http://scienceblogs.com/cognitivedai...sa-kamins-and/

[Geno]

I must say, thank God for forums like these, really is teaching me how to not f**k up my kid for life when I have one :P

[LynneC]

Originally Posted by Geno

I must say, thank God for forums like these, really is teaching me how to not f**k up my kid for life when I have one :P

Be sure to come back when you have one and let us know how it's going!

[Flory]

fuzzy what an interesting thought, my mum felt very smothered and overfussed as a child and it drove her insane, i guess it can start to feel claustrphobic and makes it difficult for things like individuality, personal space (so important on so many levels)

[stef]

I felt a bit smothered; my parents each had rough teenage years and I think they wanted everything to be perfect; plus I was an only child. so it's like all of their attention was on me. no wait I mean I was their "sole worry", kind of. I Honestly though - I'm not complaining.

I try not to do this to my own son (also an only child). but then I worry that if I seem indifferent, he will think I don't care! tricky having your adult child living at home...

the worst is if he's sick, Even now, I keep stealing glances at him to see if he "looks any better" (not feverish) until he finally says "WHAT?" in this really annoyed voice.