Does ADHD make being a beautiful woman more of a problem?

[spunkysmum]

Originally Posted by Jynical

ETA: And what "code" is this that you speak of? Someone who is aesthetically pleasing can't "admit" to being aesthetically pleasing? What is it that they must admit to?

I don't think it's too hard to figure out what he's getting at with that. There IS an unspoken code, though I haven't quite thought of it that way before, that it isn't polite or just isn't done, to acknowledge one's own endowments out loud. If you are gorgeous, you can't stand in front of a mirror and say, "Dang, I look gorgeous today" in front of other people without turning them off. This isn't just limited to physical beauty, either. People don't like it if you know how smart you are, or how funny you are, or how freakin' great you are at your job. You can think these things, but the code says you can't say them.

[spunkysmum]

Originally Posted by Zoom Dude

O

Ummm, no. Like it or not, society decides who is beautiful. There are no standards, we all know it when we see it.

I disagree with that. There are very few people, even celebrities, that are thought of as beautiful by everyone, and a lot of people feel mildly annoyed at entertainment magazines and such that continuously tell them that somebody is beautiful that they don't think is. A lot of women would die to look like Julia Roberts, but I've heard a surprising number of men say they don't think she's much to look at. I think Jennifer Aniston and Blake Lively are as ordinary-looking and unremarkable as folding chairs at a card table, but the mags say they are the most beautiful women in the world. I'm still scratching my head at that one. And it's not just the women. A lot of the supposed sexiest men alive leave me cold. The point is, no matter how beautiful somebody is said to be, there is always somebody out there whose cup of tea they are not.

Society absolutely does not decide who's beautiful. Society might think it does, but it doesn't.

[AWizardDidIt]

Maybe I'm missing something here but the answer is obviously yes? It's not like people will live someone's life for them just because she's a hot woman. She'll still have to deal with all the work-related and social issues the rest of us have.

ADD is hard for all women because all women are expected to be warm, pleasant and attentive to men. Men are sensitive to rejection by women so society expects us to always be extra-nice to men! Not really fair but that's how it is. I guess I can see more attractive women inadvertently hurting men's feelings more often just because they will be approached more often and with more interest than a more average woman would be.

[silivrentoliel]

I've never been what I'd call beautiful, but there have been times in my life I felt good about who I saw in the mirror, but behind that was goofy, can't-get-my-sh*t-together, insecure, quirky me. Some people found it endearing (and still do to some extent), others couldn't run away quick enough. Then came the "you aren't a kid anymore! quit acting like that!" (which I still get, btw) and then my temper would flare and they'd take off.

[sarahsweets]

I dont think I am beautiful. I think I am average. I will say this though: having adhd and being a woman of any size/shape/looks etc makes having adhd harder. Its because we are so busy trying to reach that glass ceiling that we dont realize when we crack it.

[Zoom Dude]

Originally Posted by danelady

Recently,my uncle sent this photo to me from when I was 18 or 19. That's my grandmother( you can see who I got the big hair from). So many people told me I was pretty,blah blah blah! Everyone fawned over me,men wanted to do things with me,for me, TO ME! lol!

People wanted to talk to me all the time,ask me all sorts of questions,like for instance what I liked to do or how I felt about certain things.

I HATED IT WITH A PASSION! I was confused by the attention and wanted to run away. And I did! But people thought I was being stuck up all the time.

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphot...87385069_n.jpg

Y'know, I hadn't even thought of that.

When I originally posted the question I was thinking in terms of women who had their act together, at least as well as anyone with ADHD can. When I was that age as a young man I had enough trouble not being diagnosed, not being able to relate to the world very well, not being able to understand social situations, etc. I can't imagine being a young woman going through similar stuff, trying to figure out who she is and how she fits in the world, and have all that mysterious unwanted attention piled on top. How utterly confusing. I think my head would have exploded.

Chris

[Ocyan]

Originally Posted by ginniebean

[...]Looks might bring people to your door but, can you make them stay?

I bow to that...

At high school girl shouted 'he's too ugly in the middle of classroom (still grateful for that) , girls picked on me and assumed I was virgin until 18th.
At the Cruise boat cocktail girl said 'very surprising I'm still single. Girls on school made 'oooouh' noises when I entered classroom and made comments until the point of most attractive girl taking a picture of her with me and champagne.

Looks are meaningless but effective. You get judged on them, but like Ms. Bean (would love to meet your husband x) ) said, the art isn't in attracting - it is in managing them to stay.

It's as a shame as it is true ; but hell, you do it too...

[Zoom Dude]

Originally Posted by spunkysmum

I disagree with that. There are very few people, even celebrities, that are thought of as beautiful by everyone, and a lot of people feel mildly annoyed at entertainment magazines and such that continuously tell them that somebody is beautiful that they don't think is. A lot of women would die to look like Julia Roberts, but I've heard a surprising number of men say they don't think she's much to look at. I think Jennifer Aniston and Blake Lively are as ordinary-looking and unremarkable as folding chairs at a card table, but the mags say they are the most beautiful women in the world. I'm still scratching my head at that one. And it's not just the women. A lot of the supposed sexiest men alive leave me cold. The point is, no matter how beautiful somebody is said to be, there is always somebody out there whose cup of tea they are not.

Society absolutely does not decide who's beautiful. Society might think it does, but it doesn't.

I totally get what you're saying, but I don't really think of society as one big monolithic block. My point is that some women get noticed far more than others and they get treated differently because of it. They all might have different groups of followers, but they're all set aside from the rest because of their looks. What I'm trying to get at is how that separateness and ADHD interact.

In my first job as an engineer there was a woman in her 20's in international sales. She was absolutely gorgeous and knew it. She dressed appropriately for a business environment, but she had a rockin' bod and she knew how to show it off. Hair and makeup were done to the max, within appropriate business norms. She was very sharp, young, hot and she was workin' it! She didn't just stop traffic, she almost stopped hearts. She took a transfer the office in France.

Years later she was back, and seemingly a different woman. She had gained 30 pounds, wore much more conservative clothing and had dialed the hair and makeup way back. Her demeanor was toned down as well. But she was still a natural beauty and was still stunning. Some men would turn into 12-year-olds around her, which made effective communication difficult. This was a woman who simply couldn't turn it off. I couldn't escape the feeling that she was pretty darn tired of it.

She didn't have ADHD, but what if she did? What would it be like to have ADHD and have every interaction with another person amplified and skewed because of your appearance? Isolation can be pretty big problem for people with ADHD. What are the consequences for a beautiful woman with ADHD if she tends to her appearance as society assumes she should? Is this perhaps a self-correcting situation, in that ADHD keeps you from thinking you're beautiful, so you don't pursue it? Are attractive women with ADHD more likely to be confused in their interactions with the world because they don't see themselves as attractive but others do?

ZD

[Zoom Dude]

Originally Posted by crystal8080

Wow I don't know where to start on this one.

First, I think the best insight you will ever find on what its like for a beautiful woman is from Cybil Shepard. In an interview with Oprah, she gave a very candid description of life after beauty fades. It was a great interview. But very few woman can say they are beautiful next to a woman like her. So I'm not sure what your definition of beauty is.

here is a link to the interview..watch it then tell me what you think

Crystal,

Thank you for this. (So sorry it took me a while to get to it, but I needed a time when I could play the video.)

Oprah gets right to the heart of one of my points here, that no one talks about being beautiful. It does open doors, but I also sense in Cybil Shepard's words that there is a downside to it as well. More than the feelings of guilt she talks openly about.

Let's face it - most women are attractive to some. They want to be attractive, or if not they feel pressure that they should. I think I understand (as well as a man can) that that's messed up, but that's the way things are. I don't think it's healthy to leaves things unsaid, especially when ADHD is involved.

FWIW, living as a man in an appearance-driven society can be pretty messed up too, just in different ways. Maybe the lesson here is that we'd all be better off if we didn't buy into it so deeply.

ZD

[EnergizerJen]

I'll chime in.

I understand the OP.

I was pretty (not hot, bw or anything similar), but I was pretty.

I also did not get shorted on brains.

Here comes the but.. YOU knew there would be one..

I have lost sooo many jobs, the girls in high school HATED me, and I do find it more beneficial to sit quietly (not act dumb) but zip my lips and ask questions.

It seems like it's not gender specific. A few very rare people are enthralled with my intelligence and look past the other stuff.

If I don't zip my lips, my adhd eventually scrambles the mess up, and crap hits the fan.

NO one bite my head off please... I was just identifying.

But to the OP, I know exactly what you are talking about and I think (at least for me) the statements are fairly accurate.

[Beekeeper]

Originally Posted by EnergizerJen

NO one bite my head off please... I was just identifying.

I don't see anything you said as being appropriate for noggin gnawing

But yeah, we learn to keep quiet because we are afraid that there will be a backlash. I totally understand and sympathize. I have a tendency to zone out and play in my head until the conversation turns to something I have an interest in, 'cause otherwise it's open mouth/insert foot. If you're talking politics, I'm totally not present, but ask me about bees...oh s***, I never shut up.

I got a tattoo years ago that says (in Latin), "Be careful what you speak, where, and in front of whom". Now, diagnosed, I know why I felt like I needed a visual reminder to STFU (yeah, that's what I call it).

[Spacemaster]

I think it's tough to be a woman with ADHD period. I've never fit in with other women. I don't know how to talk the talk, I miss social cues, I hate talking on the phone, I don't call people back, etc.

I can appear to be very aloof, and I think some people might think I look snotty. I'm really not a snot, I just don't know how to talk to people or socialize very well.

My profile pic looks fairly b*tchy! :P

Now, I have no problem hanging out with guys. Conversation with the male species is relaxed and easy. There isn't a lot of baffling social etiquette to follow. They also don't expect you to call them "just to chat", and they don't expect you to gush over the 1,000th baby belly photo they post on facebook.

Girls who prefer the company of men are put into two camps: The attractive girls that like hanging out with men are accused of trying to impress men and win their attention. Other girls are threatened by this, and make catty remarks, like "oh, she hangs out with guys because she's seeking attention"

Girls who aren't particularly attractive don't seem to get the same reaction. "Nerdy" girls who aren't pretty don't get flack for hanging out with guys. They are after all, "nerdy" girls, and aren't a threat to the other women. Nobody's worried that the homely girl who's into playing computer games is going to steal their man.


So, god help you if you are attractive, ADHD, AND hang with the dudes. Other women (maybe men too) will not "get" you.

I can see why the "other" women perceive a threat.

A beautiful woman that seems snotty because she can't navigate the screeching, happy, giggling girl party, whom the guys just love because she can hang, and they're also staring at her attractive features. Uh, fellow females beware.

[AWizardDidIt]

I am usually quiet too. Mostly from being shy I think, but I end up being a bit too "honest" and direct if I don't take the time to filter my words first. Most people probably don't appreciate this in men either but in women it's even less appreciated. I've gotten decent at faking it but it gets tiring and I don't have anyone I can really be "unfiltered" around.

People hate it even more if you don't ACT happy and interested all the time though! Then you're REALLY a witch! That's my main problem. It shows through very easily when I'm bored or annoyed because I don't have much oversight or control over my expression for some reason. Maybe this is another way impulsiveness can express itself?

Has anyone else had a man ask you to smile for him?? SO ANNOYING! Like I'm here just as decoration for you!

Edit: I don't have ANY female friends either! My hobbies and interests are almost all male-dominated nerd stuff which is the main problem I think. It'd be so great to have at least one female friend but I hardly ever meet any and when I do we don't click or they're horribly nuts or something.

[Spacemaster]

Ok, so LOVE the Daria picture.

[ana futura]

For some reason I feel like I should bring up Paris and Britney. I'd say there's no doubt that they get a lot of crap for their ADHD related behavior compared to better behaved celebrities. I'd also say that their appearance has gone a long way in helping them overcome their ADHD. Of course being loaded helps as well.