I think being an overprotective parent is kind of counterproductive.

[Geno]

Examples? My parents were(my dad relaxed when I got to be around 15 or 16) overprotective to the point where I wasn't allowed to cross the street by myself until I was 12. In turn, this made me want to do dangerous things more because I hated being controlled and I trusted myself enough to not die. I remember walking around the neighborhood at night when they were busy or sleeping, running across streets getting a feeling of satisfaction knowing I was, in fact, not too stupid to handle crossing a street without looking to see if a large hunk of metal was headed toward me at high speed. (this is just one of many examples by the way) If they hadn't been so adamant about me not doing it I probably wouldn't have anywhere near as often as I did because there wouldn't be any satisfaction.

While they didn't care about me watching violent, gory movies at any age, they never let me watch any PG-13 movies that involved talk about sex. (beyond mentioning it and not going in to any detail.) As you guessed, I then went on the internet (I was about 8 at the time, this was 2001) and looked up porn just to see what I was missing. At the time I enjoyed it although I wasn't quite sure why yet, in addition to watching the rated R movies at night when they weren't around. I don't get this really, seeing a man get his stomach slashed open and having all of his organs fall out is okay, but seeing boobs isn't.

Another example that isn't me but merely an observation, is, in high school, the sluttiest, most easy to get girls were the ones with overprotective "no talking to boys until you're 30!" dads. (30 was an exaggeration). The more prude girls tended to have cooler, more lenient parents. I dated one girl who I met in a park for a first date, and we ended up having sex on a park bench once the sun went down and the people were gone. She was 17, I wasn't even allowed to meet her parents because her Dad was like I mentioned above. I asked her how many guys she'd had sex with and what age she lost her virginity, the answers were "I was 12 and 7 guys". (This is just the most extreme example).

It seems that being an overprotective parent tends to make your kid do more of the things you don't want, paradoxically.

I'm not a parent, I won't be for a while, so don't get mad at me for questioning your parent style. I'm just sharing my observations throughout my life.

[Liuka2012]

Yeah, you definitely have Adhd.

[Geno]

Originally Posted by Liuka2012

Yeah, you definitely have Adhd.

Ah, so that's an ADHD thing? Maybe I should have changed the thread title to "overprotective parent to a child with ADHD"

[ccom5100]

I can understand your being upset about not being allowed to cross the street until you were 12. However, I wouldn't let my 8 year old kid watch movies with adult themes (sex OR violence).

[Geno]

Originally Posted by ccom5100

I can understand your being upset about not being allowed to cross the street until you were 12. However, I wouldn't let my 8 year old kid watch movies with adult themes (sex OR violence).

Haha, it's a good thing my parents didn't know s**t about the internet back then, my dad just used the computer/internet for work, I actually learned to use it for other purposes. Come to think of it, due to my lack of friends until age 15-16, the internet probably taught me most of what I know.

But I wasn't referring to a movie with a full blown sex scene, think of the limit of sexual stuff they'd have in a PG-13 movie. But your logic is better than "PG-13 sexual content = no. Rated R gore and gruesome death = A-OK!"

[SquarePeg]

Statistics (though I´m not a great fan of stats) show kids aged 12 are at high risk of being involved in a traffic accident. Parents start allowing their kids to cross the road once they start high school at around 12. Bad move, as high school usually involves a further distance and main roads and these kids have never crossed a road alone.

Girls with strict parents, yep they get into trouble.

I´m not that strict with my kids, but it´s not like I give them a green light to go ahead and do what they want. Some things are a definite no no, like drugs. But we talk about sex, drugs, alcohol and I try to give them the pros and cons of doing stuff to young or doing it full stop and then let them make up their own minds. I have to trust them to make the right decisions for themselves.

My daughter is nearly 17 and she goes to parties and, of course, whatever I say she is going to drink alcohol but I trust her not to go overboard and have too much.

To forbid stuff only makes it more tempting. We always keep a dialogue going on every subject and have had some pretty interesting ones.

[Geno]

Originally Posted by SquarePeg

To forbid stuff only makes it more tempting.

T'is the entire point of my thread.

[ccom5100]

Originally Posted by Geno

Haha, But your logic is better than "PG-13 sexual content = no. Rated R gore and gruesome death = A-OK!"

Actually, that is NOT my logic. If you read my post I said I wouldn't let my 8 year old watch movies with adult themes (sex or violence)

[scrambled86]

I'm not a parent but can't help but comment...

like most things in life...guess it's all about getting the right balance.

Children with parents on the opposite side of totally strict can also have problems.

Sorry for sticking my "ore" in, can't sleep

[Flory]

lols geno...my mum still grabs my arm to this day when im crossing the road...its embarrassing..., im glad my parents were overprotective because in relaity i needed it, i used to get into a lot of dumb sh*t as soon as i could walk and talk, i still got in to a lot of messes but it has certainly mitigated some of my behaviour and kept me within safer boundaries... but...my hearts still beating, i didnt have any teen pregnancies or any major injury so...gotta be a plus in there somewhere right ^_^

[Geno]

Originally Posted by ccom5100

Actually, that is NOT my logic. If you read my post I said I wouldn't let my 8 year old watch movies with adult themes (sex or violence)

I was referring to my parents, not you :P That was MY PARENT'S logic.

Originally Posted by Flory

lols geno...my mum still grabs my arm to this day when im crossing the road...its embarrassing..., im glad my parents were overprotective because in relaity i needed it, i used to get into a lot of dumb sh*t as soon as i could walk and talk, i still got in to a lot of messes but it has certainly mitigated some of my behaviour and kept me within safer boundaries... but...my hearts still beating, i didnt have any teen pregnancies or any major injury so...gotta be a plus in there somewhere right ^_^

On the flipside, I turned out as a neurotic, depressed, unemployed(Though ya can't blame me for that, I've applied literally everywhere I could in the area) drug abuser who probably(Need to get diagnosed) has borderline personality disorder with precious little self control. :P (Not saying that was their fault, I'm just saying the overprotectiveness didn't stop this from happening haha) Guess how a kid turns out have a little less to do with parenting style and a little more with how the kid just naturally (by luck) is.

[Andi]

Until you extend unconditional love to someone and have put so much time and care, you have no idea what it is like dealing with the prospect of losing them for whatever reason. I have seen so many people lose a child and feel heart wrenched because the mere idea brings me to tears. Parents are overprotective because of that understanding, that at any moment they can lose what is most precious to them. It's not because we don't trust you but a sheer desire to keep you safe from harm and ensure a long and and happy life. Please remember that many ADHD kids lack focus and can be oblivious to the world around them. It's my job to be alert, aware, and protect them. A parent should NEVER live longer than their children.

It doesn't mean that I don't have open communication with my kids. Have always been willing to talk about anything and everything. Doesn't mean that I don't feel that they'll make sound decisions because it has been drilled into them how much I love them and that their actions will have just as much impact on me as it will them. Knowing this makes them think twice. If they make a stupid mistake that will cost them their life, might as well count me out.

Have always told them that if they drink at a party, give me a call and I will pick them up. If their friends drink...I'm there, 2 AM, 3, 4...don't care. Just be safe.

Walk in pairs or give me a call. How many times have we seen on the news that someone walking alone is raped, kidnapped, killed, etc.

Watching movies with explicit sex scenes is not really an issue but more an awkward experience. Who really wants to watch a PG13 or R movie with their child with such scenes...ewww. And most gore movies have plenty T&A shots.

My mom didn't care what I did or where I went. She had no idea the crap I got into. Unprotective parent still produced a child that took risks and chances. It's the personality that determines action and not necessarily overprotective parenting.

Please take a moment and see that it's because they love you so much that they were overprotective. Your defiance was yours and not solely because of their actions. Your reaction is not necessarily the standard.

[Geno]

I'm not saying the perfect parenting style is the "hands off type" like yours seemed to be. There's a huge difference between protective/caring and overbearingly overprotective. What I posted were only two examples, my parents we're far more overprotective than yours were, in addition to my mother being very physically abusive. (As in, overprotective of me against the entire world but if I f**ked up in the slightest, which I did, a LOT, due to my ADHD, I'd usually get beaten pretty severely, that went on from about age 2 to 11-12. If I f**ked up too many times in a short period she'd usually beat me in addition to destroying something I loved, an extreme example being throwing my TV off of the roof and saying I was next if I failed another class) A paradox, I know.

My dad didn't do anything like that but was, for some reason, afraid of her and didn't know of much of it because of his job.

[RedHairedWitch]

You might like the blog and book Free Range Kids.

I think it's up to each parent to figure out what their kids can or can't do. Every kid develops differently. I've known kids who at 12 were very responsible and kids who at 12 shouldn't be allowed to walk to the corner store on their own.

ADHD kids do tend to be less responsible and more impulsive.

[Ms. Mango]

I think you're confusing having to make some (unpopular) parenting decisions with authoritarian parenting.

From about.com
Characteristics of the Authoritarian Parenting Style






Authoritarian parents:

• Have strict rules and expectations.
• Very demanding, but not responsive.
• Don't express much warmth or nurturing.
• Utilize punishments with little or no explanation.
• Don't give children choices or options.

The Effects of Authoritarian Parenting

• Parenting styles have been associated with a variety of child outcomes including social skills and academic performance.
  
  
  
  
  
  The children of authoritarian parents:
  • Tend to associate obedience and success with love.
  • Some children display more aggressive behavior outside the home.
  • Others may act fearful or overly shy around others.
  • Often have lower self-esteem.
  • Have difficulty in social situations.

Understanding Authoritarian Parenting

Because authoritarian parents expect absolute obedience, children raised in such settings are typically very good at following rules. However, they may lack self-discipline. Unlike children raised by authoritative parents, children raised by authoritarian parents are not encouraged to explore and act independently, so they never really learn how to set their own limits and personal standards.
While developmental experts agree that rules and boundaries are important for children to have, most believe that authoritarian parenting is too punitive and lacks the warmth, unconditional love and nurturing that children need.

As a parent I have to make decisions based on my child's needs and developmental level. A good parent sets reasonable limits and boundaries, s/he doesn't set out to control the child. Should I allow my child to look at porn? No, it's not appropriate for a 9 yo. Should I say to my DS "whatever you do, don't look at porn on the computer"? No. Developmentally he has no idea what that is, and I have no intention of giving him a clue or making something he doesn't even know about forbidden and therefore desirable.

Has he seen things he shouldn't have? Yup.

I found out he watched part of an R-rated movie on Netflix (he had no idea I could see all recently viewed movies and neither my DH nor I watched that particular one).

I didn't punish him. When discussing it with him (just a note here--my DS may consider having a discussion of this type punishment ) he told me he stopped watching it because he didn't like all the violence. We talked about why I told him movies like that were off-limits in the first place--because they aren't appropriate for him at this age. I asked him not to do it again and he hasn't.

To me that was a pretty good outcome. I set a limit (don't watch any movie rated PG-13 or R), my son disobeyed me anyway. While watching the movie he decided that he felt uncomfortable with the content (not guilty) and stopped watching it on his own. He learned from his mistake instead of learning not to do something because he feared he'd be punished. Now, when he wants to watch a movie he hasn't seen before, he asks and we talk about it first.

People who want to control their children--what you refer to as overprotective--often don't get good results. What you want is a child who can think for him/herself and is resilient.
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I have a rule for my son that he has to stay next to me when we're in a parking lot. I explained it wasn't because I don't trust him, it's because drivers of large SUVs probably can't see him. Still, he didn't like the rule.

Last week we were getting ready to pull out of a parking space. To our right, a man pulled in and got out of his SUV. His son (about DS's size) got out. I waited as they walked around to the passenger side (they were getting something out of the car). At that point I started to pull out and DS yelled, "STOP! That boy is walking near your car!". I saw him and his father caught up to him by then. I don't think there was a possibility I would've hit him, but it startled DS.

Later he asked me, "Mom, did you see that by before I said stop?" No. Now he understands I really meant what I said--I'm not making an arbitrary rule to try to baby him or control him--I'm trying to protect him. Protect, not overprotect.
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Your comment about girls who couldn't date reminded me of a funny story. When I was growing up I can remember several locker room conversations about dating. One day a few girls were talking about how upset they were that their fathers wouldn't allow them to date. (This was interesting to me because my parents never mentioned dating at all.) One said her father wouldn't let her go on a date until she was 15. The other two said their fathers said at least 16. Curious I asked, "Have any of you been asked on a date?" All three said no.

Well, why were their parents making such a big deal of it? And why were they complaining so much about something that hadn't even happened (being asked out on a date) for any of them? This is what happens when parents are authoritarian--they make problems for themselves!

Not a great way to parent--but I don't think anyone here is suggesting it is.

Just because a parent sets reasonable limits doesn't make them him (or her) the bad guy.