Hermit like behaviour + lying in ADD friend

[Zombies!Run]

Hello! First time posting here, but I'd like to say that I've already found so much interesting and helpful information here.

I'm not a 'partner' of the person, just a good friend, but I feel as though this was probably the appropriate place to post.

My first question is, is it common for those with ADD to display hermit like behavior every now and again? I understand they need their alone time, but to what extent? Ive noticed a pattern in my friend where he will be there but then disappear for a fair time. He's hot and cold. Throughout semester we meet up once a week, email at least every second day...but as soon as holidays roll up I won't hear from him for a few weeks, even if he has previously said we'd make plans in this time. Can this be a trait of ADD or just something in his personality?

Secondly, I've got a question about lying. Reading through posts here, its pretty clear that lying isn't something that's a trait of ADD, but to what extent is this the case? My friend lies about the most ridiculous things (he's extremely good at it, I only ever catch him out lying to other people when I know better) for example, we where out one day, he ran into a friend and he asked what we where doing. He told him we where going to go and study. We had no intention of studying. I asked him why he lied, and he basically just shrugged and said he didn't know. As far as I know, its never big lies, just tiny, silly things like this.

I guess why I'm asking about these things is because I get a little frustrated with people who aren't upfront and don't keep plans. If ADD was the reason behind it then I can be very patient and understanding about it because I know there's a good reason behind it.

I know this is a little lengthy, so thanks everyone!

[RedHairedWitch]

Social anxiety and poor social skills are common among people with ADHD. Some folks cope with this by taking long breaks from their social circles and by exaggerating or lying.

[SquarePeg]

I am a hermit so I get that. I only really socialise in summer when I´m not working as I feel too overwhelmed when I am working and I have to be forced to socialise. When friends invite me out I don´t like to say no, so instead I am pretty vague, with maybes, or yeah if I can. I don´t lie though,

[-nyr0c-]

I don't like to say "no" to friends either when they want to hang out. And before I catch myself doing it, I am making up some stupid excuse as to why I can't hang out. But I've been gradually getting better at being honest, and going places with people even when I don't really feel like it, which is more often than I'd like.

[LaMbaL]

I have spells of hermit-like behavior aswell, and Im terrible at initiating contact with friends. Oftentimes when they ask me to go and do something I will actually like it, though I would not suggest it myself.

I have noticed that I have a tendency to respond negatively to every plan at first though, and that I need to get mentally accustomed to the idea of going somewhere for a while. I guess you could see it as a form of inertia; I tend not to change course instantly, and need a while to mentally 'prepare' for a new course of action. Knowing this, these days I tend to say yes even when I feel like saying no, because I know I will feel more up to it when Ive had some time to digest it.

[Phoenix Ash]

Ditto to everything LaMbaL said. Initially negative response, problem of inertia, needing time to get used to the idea... yup yup yup.

I've always been a hermit. Part of it is cos I'm an introvert, meaning that in general I get my energy from being alone rather than from being around people. (Most of the time. But there are infrequent exceptions.)

ADD also keeps me home bound because getting ready to go out and do stuff requires planning and timing and finding things and remembering things and prioritizing and not getting overly distracted while I'm getting ready, all of which I struggle with. (Being female also means more stuff to deal with in getting ready, which makes it even harder, imho.) And because I know that it's a struggle, it makes me not look forward to trying to get out of the house.

I also sometimes forget about all this when someone suggests we go do something that sounds really awesome in the moment, and I respond with totally genuine enthusiasm, only to find on the day of the event that I feel like total crap and I'm really not up for it and sometimes that leads to me being a flake and finding reasons not to go.

I might sort of lie about why I'm not going, because people who don't have ADD and/or don't know I have it don't understand and it's just easier to say I'm not feeling well or something. Which is sort of truthy-ish. I'm working on this, though, on all counts.

The kind of lying you're saying your friend does, though... I could be wrong, but I don't associate that with ADD necessarily. I try very hard to be honest to a fault, but if I do lie I know exactly why I'm doing it and most of the time it's for what I feel is a good reason.

Hm... I wonder if your friend lies to provide himself with some sort of stimulation? Maybe it's exciting in some way to pull it off? Or maybe it's a drama-generator, which can also be stimulating...? He could be doing that without even knowing it. Lots of times we try to self-medicate and self-stimulate without realizing that's what's happening.

[Phoenix Ash]

Oh -- one other thought... you said he's really good at it, which makes me think he's had a lot of practice. Maybe he had to learn how for some reason? When I was a kid, I got really good at lying, because I had to. It was a survival tactic in a very abusive household. I got to where I would lie to my mother out of habit, even if there wasn't any particular reason not to tell the truth. I honestly was just in the habit of lying. It was primarily confined to her, though, and stopped when I got older.

Just a thought...

[Zombies!Run]

Thanks for the response everyone! Its been helpful.

Phoneix, I have considered that perhaps he got good at lying in his childhood, to get out of trouble and what not...but he's also really into drama so I guess that helps a bit too

[justaguy]

everyone has pretty much hit an important nail. phoenix especially about the lying. by my experience, sometimes...we just forget or have too much going on in our own lives,so thats why i personally go 'cold' or 'hermit'-sometimes we make too many plans or plan ahead/dont plan ahead enough,maybe exhaustion during holidays.perhaps talk to your friend about that.

[Phoenix Ash]

It does kind of sound like that might be what's going on. I know several ADD-ers who are into drama because it's stimulating to the brain and helps them focus. Sometimes it can lead to subconscious attempts to sabotage situations. Lying is certainly one way to promote drama!

We aren't all that way, though. Personally, I can't stand drama and much prefer peace. Drama is a distraction from more valid recipients of my attention, and I can't handle the anxiety it creates for me.

Please keep in mind we don't always know where our impulses come from, and part of the ADD struggle is having trouble controlling our impulses. So please try not to blame your friend too much. Like the rest of us, he's just trying to get by with a funky brain that doesn't work the way he'd like.

You do sound pretty understanding, and the fact that you're seeking answers is a credit to you. So the above was probably unnecessary to say, but I felt compelled to say it anyway. That's one symptom of my own ADD!

[Zombies!Run]

I can see why exhaustion would be a reason for going 'cold'. Even I do that sometimes.

Oh, sorry. I think there's a bit of a misunderstanding. I mean drama as in the subject. I should probably have cleared that up. But I can still see why some would try to sabotage situations.

Its okay, I don't blame him for it. As far as I know, they're only white lies anyway. Nothing major.

Thanks Phoenix, I try to understand