Fustration level pegged today

[orbitingHQ]

About a year ago, my son who is 9 was diagnosed w/ adhd. He was put on medication.
He takes it mon-friday, but not on weekends. I am afraid to ask if that is good or not. My wife and I power struggle over the issue to the point where I just give up.
As for my son, he is a good student and plays baseball year around.
I have 2 girls, one younger and one older than him. They do not "suffer" from adhd.
We first took him to the Dr. at the teachers suggestion. He was doing fine with school work, but a little too busy talking, not sitting down and sometimes being a little too bossy at PE time.

His grades over the last year have been steady, a's and b's. The rule in the house for grades is, if you get a "C" on report card, then your sports and other extracurricular activities are gone until next report card with no "c's".
Anyway, I have a real hard time getting my son to do anything, whether it is clean his room or his bird's cage, to small yardwork that would literally take 15 minutes. Trying to discipline him is very frustrating, I try to be tough with him, but not too tough. But a lot of the time, when I try to enforce rules around the house, my wife just side steps any consequences and I feel like I am back at the starting line. I don't sit there and argue with my children, which is something my wife does do until she gets tired of it and let's the kids have their way. I just totally felt abandoned today.

Sorry for the rambling, back to my son.
He plays ball, really loves it, and so do I. But, it's impossible for me to even try and help him. he does not and will not listen to any direction I give him, just like when I ask him to do a chore or something. I have just about given up on helping him with ball.
Reading over some posts on this forum gave me some insight that quite frankly, relieved me a bit, but also disheartened me. I love my children and try my best to support them and be the best dad I know how to be.
Reading, I also saw how much this does affect the entire family and the struggle others go through. Thanks for letting me ramble on. I am going to keep reading on here and hope I will find some ways for all of us to cope and manage our situation.

[amberwillow]

It sounds like you really care and you're willing to learn new strategies to help yourself and your family cope. You deserve major credit for that. Parenting is a challenging role, even without extra unknowns.

I'm glad you found your way here.

[Ms. Mango]

Hi and welcome to the forums! If you haven't had a chance already, take a look at Dizfriz's Corner . There is a lot of good information there.

I think you have more than one issue. The first, to me, has nothing to do with ADHD. You and your wife are not being consistent in your parenting. This is something you really need to work out. Kids are very good at figuring out which parent is more likely to cave and play you off against one another. Not good for your kids (any of them) or your marriage.

The other is that you need to understand more about ADHD and ADHD medication. Some types of discipline are more effective than others for ADHD kids.

There are some things that are more difficult for my son to do unmedicated (he's 9 also). There are times I know it's just going to be a struggle. He doesn't get a pass but we try to be more flexible if possible so he can do those tasks when he is more able. Along with this we are beginning to teach him how to prioritize his to do's. His medication is still working when school lets out so he needs to think about how to manage his time and get homework done sooner rather than later. Time management is a difficult concept for ADHD kids so my expectations aren't that he will get it right away, but even he is beginning to see that trying to get homework done after dinner is really hard for him. If you are coming home from work and expecting your DS to take baseball instruction then it's no surprise he is struggling. He is probably not medicated at that point.

My son's doctor believes in medicating on the weekends since a lot of kids have sports and family activities then. This is something you'll need to discuss with your son's doctor. If you do choose to medicate on the weekends you might think about moving some things (like chores and teaching baseball concepts) to the weekend where your son will be more receptive.

[Amtram]

What she said^^. Plus, how are you asking him to do chores and how are you supervising him after you ask? You need to make sure you have his attention. You need to break down the chores into individual components and ask him to do them one at a time. Don't give them to him all at once, and don't give him another until the first one is done. (i.e., "rake up the leaves" is too much. "rake the leaves in this section into a pile" followed by "put the leaves into this bag," and "put the bag here and then put away the rake" is better. Do the work alongside him the first few times and make a note of how long it takes so the next time you can give him more of the chore at once. Being able to tell him how long each part takes will make it easier for him to not be overwhelmed and put it off or dawdle.)

It takes a lot more steps to get things done, but once you get the steps down, it's much easier.

[zette93]

Two of the books in my sig -- Parenting Children with ADHD and Smart But Scattered -- might be very helpful to you, especially if you can convince your wife to make it a joint project to read a chapter at a time together and then discuss how to make the suggestions work for your family.

[JenE]

Welcome to the forums!

I agree, the inconsistencies in parenting and consequence can cause a lot of problems. My DH and I aren't always on the same page but we do better than we used to and it has helped.

We medicate every day because the ups and downs are starting and stopping the meds are difficult for him. Certain meds need to be taken all the time like Strattera and Vyvanse.

And as for coaching, some kids just don't listen to their parents. My son does pretty well but my daughter flat refuses to listen to us but will listen to her coaches. Frustrating as all get out! LOL!!

[orbitingHQ]

Thanks for all the feedback. I did get the parenting adhd book...
I told my wife about it, I think I am going to read a little tonight before bed.
My wife and I have had a couple of talks about the discipline and consequences, always comes down to who is right?...without getting too deep into that, we were just raised different, me by single mom who worked all the time, her parents still together.
For me, it was, mom said to do something, you did it. End of conversation, she was not mean, but she was all business when she wanted me or my sister to do something.
Anyway...I think this book can only help. I am doing a lot better the past few days, so is my boy. He's not a "hellion" by any means, he is a well behaved kid, and very loving. He and his older sister do argue, antagonize each other,
he adores his little sister and he really looks out for her, they play games and spend alot of time with each other...makes me laugh. She looks up to him so much.
I'll be around, looking forward to reading the book.
thanks again.
J

[LynneC]

Hi orbiting...
Did you get a chance to read through the essays in Dizfriz's Corner? (the link Ms Mango gave you) They really helped me as far as figuring out what the best discipline techniques are for my 10 year old, and in addition gave me much needed insight about children with ADHD.

The 'just do it because I said so' method does not work with my son at all. What does work is a combination of incentives and withholding of privileges until the chore is done. Also, giving a little advanced notification can help, too.

Like, 'OK, in 10 minutes you need to turn off the TV and take out the trash. Once you have finished, you can turn the TV back on' (or whatever). Set a timer, if need be.
When the 10 minutes is up, if he doesn't turn off the TV when you ask, you can give him a choice. '10 minutes is up. You can turn off the TV now and do your chore. If you choose not to turn off the TV and do your chore, I'll turn it off for you, but you'll lose your TV privilege for 1 hour after you chore is done.'

In my experience, this combination usually gets my son moving. He may grumble, which I try to ignore, but he does what's asked of him.

It requires a little forethought on your part, but these methods eliminate the nagging and yelling which make everyone feel badly.

[JenE]

You may like to check out the book, "If I Have To Tell You One More Time" by Amy McCready. It's a positive parenting approach. I've used many of the processes and they work very well. Use "When/Then" scenarios, tell them what TO do instead of what NOT to do so they don't have to double process, use natural/logical consequences. Of course, consistency is always the key.