Withdrawing from new romantic relationships

[MyPurpleSky]

I'm not really sure if my current dating situation is due to a.d.d. and/or anxiety, but I guess I just need some advice...

So I met a guy almost 2 months ago. I was super into him when we weren't committed to each other yet (meaning not exclusively dating). Last week, there were a few days that I thought maybe he was withdrawing from me, which kinda scared me cause it kind of seems like a common trend for guys to just vanish on me with no explanation. I've almost come to expect that now. Anyway, turns out I was imagining that b/c on Saturday, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, but then within hours of him asking, was starting to second guess if he's right for me. I know this sounds bizarre b/c just a few days prior, I was scared he was vanishing.

That day, I started thinking about how he may not be my type and about things about him that bother me. For example, that sometimes he doesn't seem masculine enough, that his feet smell really bad sometimes (lol). And the main thing that's been bothering me is that lately, he seems super super into me, which sorta freaks me out. He wants to kiss me all day long and when I open my eyes, he's lovingly staring at me. I realize that this will probably pass for him, but for the moment, it's freaking me out. He also will not make a move in the bedroom, so all we ever do is kiss, which is starting to bore me. I am 31 years old; I don't want to kiss all day like a teenager. I'm starting to feel like if he doesn't make a move soon, this relationship is going to turn platonic b/c I like a man who makes moves. It's a turnoff to me if they don't.

Also, I have not even met his mom and she sent me a friend request on Facebook today. I just feel like, ok, we have known each other for 7 weeks; don't go planning our whole life together already. I feel like he's just telling everyone about me, which is sweet, but also scares me b/c what if this doesn't work and then his heart is totally broken. I hate the idea of having to break his heart. It's like I don't want him to be so attached yet.

Anyway, I think ending it would be totally jumping the gun at this point, but I'm just wondering what my deal is. How can I be totally into something one day and then questioning it three days later? Is it b/c the challenge is over? Is it b/c I need drama and for someone to treat me badly? Maybe I just don't know what a normal relationship is? Maybe I have issues from the past that are causing me to seek men who will hurt me and cause me drama and when I am treated well, I am somehow bored.

This guy treats me really well. I just hope he stops wanting to suck face with me all day and stops lovingly staring at me. And makes a move. Or I am gonna be annoyed and bored. Ugh. Do you think I should seek some sort of therapy for this? I want a nice guy, but I also want some excitement...a manly man. I can't help what I like, right?

Am I just sabotaging myself cause it's easier for me to be alone? I'm so used to being alone and I love time to myself. I am a pretty independent person emotionally. Right now, I am so busy with work, softball, and him, that I am only getting one night a week to spend time alone and quite frankly, it's kinda starting to bum me out.

[MyPurpleSky]

oh my god. now his step mom sent me a friend request. what is this. i realize they probably want to be welcoming, but they have never met me even. i feel weird.

[anonymouslyadd]

Originally Posted by MyPurpleSky

Anyway, I think ending it would be totally jumping the gun at this point, but I'm just wondering what my deal is. How can I be totally into something one day and then questioning it three days later? Is it b/c the challenge is over? Is it b/c I need drama and for someone to treat me badly? Maybe I just don't know what a normal relationship is? Maybe I have issues from the past that are causing me to seek men who will hurt me and cause me drama and when I am treated well, I am somehow bored.

I think the tendency to question is part of having ADD. There's nothing that can be done about that.

As far as these introspective questions, this is wonderful! Use this as an opportunity to learn about yourself. What are your insecurities? What do you like and not like?

I'm a writer, and a couple years ago, I decided that I was going to do something in writing. I had times when I really felt good about my decision. There were other times when I was considering another career. Those "other times" were ADDish periods, when something seemed exciting.

By knowing about my ADD and my tendency to grab onto something new, I tempered my desire to explore the new career possibility. I knew that writing had to be part of my career. Does this make sense? I believe my career experience can be transferred over to your situation and how you might be feeling.

However, my assessment may be way off, and that's why I suggest that you ride this out as long as you can (don't do something impulsive ) so that you can learn about yourself. Learning about yourself, now, will help guide you into what you want in the future.

Good luck.

[Drewbacca]

Relationships are never easy. Most likely, he wasn't withdrawing... women just tend to misunderstand men (and vice-versa, of course). We just like to have time to ourselves... they call it a "man cave" for a reason; it's where we withdraw to for me-time. My advise is to try and enjoy the ride, but try not to smother him. If you feel that he is withdrawing, just be direct and ask him... at least that way, he knows that you are worried that this may be the case.

*edit to add* speaking of adhd... I think I completely misread what you are saying. LOL Obviously I need to go to bed.

um... so my advise is now: wash his feet and rip his clothes off! But, if he's gonna be really clingy, you're probably not a good match.

[MX2012]

MyPurpleSky -- my answer may surprise you.

Reading how you describe the track of your emotions reminds me of me. I have not found a name for it but I feel that there are rapidly changing chemical reactions occurring in the brain which influence our thoughts and physical feelings. Anxiety adds to effect. ADD/HD intensifies this process.

As an ADD/HDer, I know I made impulsive decisions regarding relationships -- it is a fact that our initial reaction to a person is a chemical reaction -- we feel strong physical attractions on many levels. We feel a strong emotional connection. The person who is the focus of our attention we get tunnel vision when we look at them, initially we see all their good traits magnified and do not fully see traits that bother us.

When they are absent, we physically miss them like an addiction.

You did bring up conflicting statements. You want to know he will be there for you and then you worry when he's gone that he has lost interest like your emotions are on a roller coaster. It's hard to make a good decision when your emotions are influx.

Also, what you feel in one minute changes because your brain chemistry is changing due to emotions, sensations, and thoughts. It gets confusing.

This constantly changing mental scenery also affects your physical reactions, one minute you feel physically attracted to him and then you go cold.

I do recommend that you take it slow.

You describe the man as devoted to you. You also describe him as not masculine enough. You have mixed feelings.

I don't know how the two of you communicate but maybe you could focus on that to try and learn more about him and how you work together.

I do understand what it feels like to feel suffocated by attention or emotion. I don't like people to get too close to me physically or emotionally, so that makes it hard to have an intimate relationship. It confuses the man when you push them away and go cold and then warm up and get cozy.

If I were in a relationship, that would be one thing that would take alot of work to find a better balance between my need for independence and my need for closeness.

In most of what you said, it sounds like you like this man on some level. Then, I heard a need to have someone in your life. Then, I hear your mixed emotions and doubt. I also hear your confusion physically and emotionally which can undermine any good feelings you may have and adds anxiety.

One thing I will say, work on determining whether you really want this man in your life but do not make a decision because you are worried about hurting him. It is a given that there is risk involved in entering into a relationship. Make your decisions based on your needs.

Good luck

[sarek]

This eternal thinking and doubting is pretty normal for ADD. I sometimes run through five different scenarios in the space of a single hour. We have a knack for driving ourselves nuts, especially in matters of love.

There's no harm in taking things slow you know. Give yourself time to figure things out. Also make sure you communicate enough with him to figure out where you both stand in this.

I am not sure about this masculinity and feet comment. For me looks are in general rather irrelevant. Try to see the person as he is. Sometimes you find jewels hidden deep under the surface.

And its ok if you take the initiative if you want things to happen in the bedroom. Some guys are shy(yes, I know, its a surprise right?)

I do not know if you know anything about personality typing but at some point you might check that out to gain a bit more insight in who you are and who he is and how that matches up. It can save you from a few costly mistakes.

[MyPurpleSky]

I think I am freaking out b/c I'm starting to feel pressure...pressure b/c I feel like maybe his happiness is depending on me at this moment, which makes me uncomfortable. He recently quit a band and has been in a band for the past 12 yrs. He keeps telling people that he doesn't know what he'd be doing had I not come along and I am filling his time nicely. I feel like maybe he is replacing music with me. I feel uncomfortable being his crutch; I don't like people depending on me or expecting things of me. I am kind of a lone wolf and I think maybe him emotionally attaching to me this quickly and this much is scaring me. I am getting friend requests from family members of his that I don't even know. Is it just me or is that weird? He told me last night that when his dad found out we were in a relationship, he woke his step mom up at 2 in the morning to talk about it for a half hour cause he was so excited. Why are they so excited that he's in a relationship? B/c it's been awhile, but still it weirds me out b/c I feel like they think I'm the girl who finally changed him and made him be what he's supposed to be. It makes me feel pressured cause I feel like my life is already being planned for me or something; they are overwhelming me.

He came out and met me and my softball team for a couple drinks last night. I felt like he sensed something was up with me even though I was trying to act normal, so maybe I should talk to him about it, but I feel stupid cause we just became exclusive on Saturday and I am already getting committment-phobic. As far as taking the next step in the bedroom, now I am not sure I want to b/c now I am having doubts about him. I just feel like "it" would be really awkward and I wouldn't be into it.

I am just feeling confused. I have been in this situation before where I get bored of someone or lose attraction or don't like being emotionally depended on. Sometimes I lose attraction over petty things, but it's like once I find a flaw, I focus on it. I realize I have flaws too, but once the attraction is gone, I usually never get it back. For example, the fact that his entire car smells like his feet (I almost gag) and when he came to bed the other night, he had obviously just gone to the bathroom b/c he smelled like it. I feel really mean saying these things b/c he's so nice, but they really did gross me out. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I am starting to wonder if I will ever be truly happy in the romance department.

[MyPurpleSky]

Also, I feel like all we have been doing is hanging out with his friends. He always has somewhere that we should go and people that I should meet. What about my friends? My life? I am starting to feel like my life as I knew it is disappearing and that also makes me uncomfortable. I want to hang out with my friends too and sometimes I just want to be alone. We don't have to do everything together. I guess it goes back to the comment that I feel like my life is being planned for me.

I am starting to feel like our roles have reversed; like I am now the man and he is now the woman. I am attracted to masculine energy and now I am getting feminine energy from him. I want to feel that I am the feminine one and I can't do that if I'm in a relationship with a man who is acting like a woman.

[TheChemicals]

Kissing and not making a move... Sounds like inadequecy or he's a god fearing man. Maybe he has an embarrassing secret .

[MyPurpleSky]

He's not a god-fearing man. Supposedly it's been awhile for him. It has for me too. But still, I feel like I want/need him to make a move and the fact that he hasn't, is turning me off. It's starting to feel platonic. Like I said, I'm not sure I even want it to happen at this point b/c I fear it will be awkward and I won't have a good time.

There have been a couple times where he's gotten all my clothes off, but he won't take his pants off. Then he just kisses and caresses me, but doesn't actually make a move. I thought it was gonna happen last week, but then he just cuddled me :-\. It wasn't a huge let down until it happened again! Again, not trying to be mean, but I am already bored of that happening.

[TheChemicals]

Drop him like a bad habit. You arent compatible. You won't be happy with this guy. Oh and the mom thing is grounds for dumping him. Personally, I don't introduce a woman to my family through facebook. Its weird. However, I don't put my emotions out there until we've built history together and sex sex sex. I'm not religous or morally sound though so.... Grain of salt.

[MyPurpleSky]

Originally Posted by TheChemicals

Drop him like a bad habit. You arent compatible. You won't be happy with this guy. Oh and the mom thing is grounds for dumping him. Personally, I don't introduce a woman to my family through facebook. Its weird. However, I don't put my emotions out there until we've built history together and sex sex sex. I'm not religous or morally sound though so.... Grain of salt.

Lol

To some it may sound awful of me to say that I usually don't get into a relationship until I have slept with someone b/c I feel like what if it is bad? At least then, it's easier to get out of. Of course, I probably sound like a committment-phobe to anyone reading this thread. I'm not really a believer of the theory that you can work on it though; either the sexual chemistry is there or it's not. I thought we had it, but after a couple let downs, it is fading quickly (at least for me).

I'm not sure if he is telling his family to send me requests or if they are just doing it on their own. Either way, it's weird to me...and overwhelming.

[Lisa_Mac]

It sounds like he's definitely NOT the one for you. Too many doubts on your parts ............and the personal hygiene thing..........

The family probably want to snoop into your life and that's why they send out the friend requests.

Good Luck and don't waste your time on a dead end relationship when you could be out finding your real prince.

Lx

[MyPurpleSky]

Originally Posted by Lisa_Mac

It sounds like he's definitely NOT the one for you. Too many doubts on your parts ............and the personal hygiene thing..........

The family probably want to snoop into your life and that's why they send out the friend requests.

Good Luck and don't waste your time on a dead end relationship when you could be out finding your real prince.

Lx

His friends have even been purposely making comments to him in front of me like, "Now that you are dating someone, are you going to shower more than once a week?" They are teasing him, but there has to be some truth to it if they're all saying it. He replies with yes, and that he is. I think he is showering, but has a seriously smelly feet problem. Like I said, if he has left a pair of sweaty tennis shoes in his car and you get in, you want to stop breathing. The bathroom thing, not sure what that was. It was like the smell followed him from the bathroom. I'm sure he did not even realize, but no one wants to cuddle up to that in bed.

[TheChemicals]

You sound like a very down to earth person. I have the same preferences in common with you. I can't stant clingyness and I love to just be alone and not bothered sometimes. Unfortunatly, healthy normal people see that as uncaring and insipid. I have been with cuties and unattractive women, but the thing that repels me is a nasty habit or hygene.

I also don't like to be socialized into a whole other circle of friends and family until I'm very comfortable with the person. Comfort as in, we can masturbate in front of eachother without flinching. Was that too much? Anyways, if you don't want to be alone with a disorder, sometimes you have to swallow the stinkyness of a partner.