Perceptions and how we interpret our disorder

[Verile]

I've been noticing a trend here recently and it's got me thinking again.

When I sit down to do something, I usually feel like I can't. So I tell myself,
"Okay, I'll just browse this forum for a little and then get started." Once that's done, I still can't start.
"Okay, you're just hungry. Make something to eat and then get started." So I cook, eat, clean, and sit back down. Still nothing.
"You know, this room is dark, if only I had a brighter bulb for my lamp. Drive down to the store, grab a candy bar and bulb, and then get started."
"Well, gee, now that it's bright all I can see is dust. Maybe if I clean first I'll be motivated to start."

Hours and hours pass like this and nothing (I actually wanted to do) gets done.

Now for me, I attribute this entirely to my feelings of being easily overwhelmed by any task that requires continuous or grave effort on my part. It makes it so I can't even get started and I'll look for any excuse or reason to put it off. I'm doing it now. I'm aware I'm doing it but can't seem to help it. It's escapism.

But I'm noticing some people express these same exact behaviors and attribute it to restlessness, impulsiveness, overcoming inertia, or an inability to focus on one activity for long.

Another example is hyper focusing. I always hyper focus on the distractions or trivialities. I can pass days and weeks this way, pick up brand new hobbies spontaneously, especially when I have something else that needs to be done. But I have yet to hyper focus on anything I explicitly tell myself to do. Are there people who can direct their hyper focus? Am I just seeing my hyper focusing as a way to put off doing work, a hindrance, while others see it as a way to passionately enjoy the things they would rather be doing anyway? I never see it as having found something more interesting to do, I see it as an excuse to put off the pain of the work I tell myself I'm supposed to be doing, whether that work is more interesting or not. And it often is. I define work in this context not necessarily as a job but anything that I've prioritized that requires sustained effort.

Is it possible we're all doing the same things for the same reasons but rationalizing it differently? I'm sure it's not so cut and dry and that there are indeed genuine differences between our problems and reasonings that go beyond mere perspective but I'm just taking the time here to entertain the similarities.

[nanners]

This is an interesting idea, and something I have been contemplating recently. I have been trying to figure out if I truly "cannot" get going with the things I really should be focusing on, or if this is some sort of sick habit that I created during all of my undiagnosed years that I can't shake. Or am not ready to shake. I don't know the answer. When I lived with one of my cousins for awhile, she actually nicknamed me Inertia. Not something I am proud of and not something I know how to change.

[amberwillow]

I can hyperfocus on something that needs doing, as long as I can start. I've sorted cupboards of tools for friends, weeded my garden til I'm at the point of dropping, washed endless dishes at camp until people basically chucked me out of the kitchen.
All things that needed doing at the time.

I do find it easier to do these things though than things that have been emotionally tagged by my brain. Things wrapped up in my history, associated with past failure or shame. Things left undone for a long period of time, where I feel I've missed some 'window'. Dealing with emotionally tagged items overwhelms me quickly.

What I struggle with is consistency.

[addINxP]

I agree about the emotional tags being a hinderance. Sometimes neuro-linguistics help me with that, when I can actually remember to use it. There are many ways to honestly label a situation. It's empowering to realize we have that choice and that feeling further helps to motivate. Also, it's helpful to honestly challenge the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. Irrational feelings can keep us from doing things. The thing that I struggle with most though is knowing or more aptly, not knowing that I am being avoidant. Speaking of which, does anyone think this behavior is a result of avoidant personality disorder stemming from negative associations to experiences with a.d.d.?

[Drewbacca]

Originally Posted by Verile

Am I just seeing my hyper focusing as a way to put off doing work, a hindrance, while others see it as a way to passionately enjoy the things they would rather be doing anyway? I never see it as having found something more interesting to do, I see it as an excuse to put off the pain of the work I tell myself I'm supposed to be doing, whether that work is more interesting or not. And it often is. I define work in this context not necessarily as a job but anything that I've prioritized that requires sustained effort.

Is it possible we're all doing the same things for the same reasons but rationalizing it differently? I'm sure it's not so cut and dry and that there are indeed genuine differences between our problems and reasonings that go beyond mere perspective but I'm just taking the time here to entertain the similarities.

I agree that hyperfocus is a form of escapism (sometimes) but it CAN be productive (it usually isn't). But, yeah, I think we are rationalizing the same thing differently... that's where environmental influences and coping mechanisms start to play a role.

I think you are right to address the cause as being sustained effort, but I think that is just one part of the mix. Perfectionism is another. Anxiety would be a third... they have some similarity, but they are different causes.

[fracturedstory]

I do the same thing too. I'll sit down to write and then can't do it. Oh, that's because I should be reading, cleaning, doing the dishes, going to the shops.

Another user said that they feel this overwhelming anxiety to get tasks like that done. But I rationalise it as my brain telling me 'wouldn't it be better to do this this and this before you get started?'

It probably isn't but works for me. After I do those things, return to what I planned to do my mind is a lot clearer and I can get down to work.

Hyper focus to me is focusing on things I don't plan and find it difficult to break out of. It's usually a hindrance but something good may come out of it. When I'm on medication I can sometimes choose what to hyper focus on. I choose to hyper focus on this forum for some alterer motive. Earlier, I hyper focused on reading The Sydney Morning Herald. Ah, the many ideas that flooded into my mind.

Also, look at the name of the link in my sig. I'm not saying click it. Just look at it, and laugh.

[SquarePeg]

Very interesting post, Verile you sound exactly like me. I really can´t pinpoint why I can´t get things done. I put in down to a mixture of being overwhelmed (especially when I have to produce stuff for my job), bored or just don´t really want to do it. I mean do I really want to waste my life cleaning my house?

I´m much better when my husband is around (he works away a lot). When he´s here, he´s up early and very productive, doing stuff around the house etc so that gives me a bit of motivation to do the crap boring repetitive cleaning and cooking stuff.

I try and to stuff for work on my computer whilst the kids are doing homework (so that we are all studying/working together at a big table). It also motivates them, my son has adhd.

Left to my own devices I´m pretty much useless!! (however I will not/cannot be told what to do). I´m constantly anxious/restless when I know I have lots of stuff do to and haven´t done any of them. So why don´t I just do them then I can relax????? why o why ha ha

[Beekeeper]

I also would love to know if there is an answer to this. Like amberwillow, I can hyperfocus if I can get started.

Some days I do have motivation. Even some random evenings I have motivation (the other night I was in such a great mood from having such a fun day that I cleaned a good portion of the house). But most of the time, I could sit on my iPad all day and just find fun things to read here and elsewhere online. Or I can spend hours planning and outlining how to be productive but never actually getting stuff done.

I do find that putting certain music on really helps. I will say to myself, "okay, I have to do this now (for whatever reason), I'll crank the tunes and it will be easier," and it usually is. It will not motivate me on its own but it helps get me going in a small way.

[DvlsAdv0c8]

Originally Posted by amberwillow

I can hyperfocus on something that needs doing, as long as I can start.

My boyfriend figured out that he can sometimes "program" me to feel more motivation to get started on boring, tedious things that NEED to be done. (Of course, you need someone else to do this in order for it to work. Accountability is the motivator here. We actually do this for each other.)

For example, if I mention that I need to clean the bathroom, he will ask me when I WILL do it (not when I WANT to do it - which would be NEVER!). I will pick a day and he will say, "OK, so you ARE going to clean the bathroom on Saturday. I'm going to hold you to that. The rug is growing hair."

This seems to flip my "you have been challenged!" switch. I cannot resist trying to live up to a challenge. Plus it bugs me that anyone else has noticed that the rug looks like a critter that is about to crawl away.

[sarahsweets]

I am never able to direct what I hyper focus on.

[Verile]

I do find it easier to do these things though than things that have been emotionally tagged by my brain. Things wrapped up in my history, associated with past failure or shame. Things left undone for a long period of time, where I feel I've missed some 'window'. Dealing with emotionally tagged items overwhelms me quickly.

This is key for me as well. The further behind I am, the longer I've put something off, the more likely I am to just give up and abandon it entirely. I don't just miss the window, I close it.

I think you are right to address the cause as being sustained effort, but I think that is just one part of the mix. Perfectionism is another. Anxiety would be a third... they have some similarity, but they are different causes.

Perfectionism is a big one for me. If I don't think I can do something right or perfectly from start to finish I feel like why bother doing it at all? Many a paper in high school didn't get turned in because I would have rather take the 0 than present shoddy work. I don't do many things because of this mentality, including cooking for others, socializing when I'm not 100%, personal projects. Anxiety is the opposite for me though; the fear of failure, dismisal, or court martial is one of the few things that get me moving, albeit at the very last second.

However, one caveat to anxiety, at its most extreme when things do become virtually impossible, it will make me curl up into a ball and close my eyes just hoping it all goes away.

I´m much better when my husband is around (he works away a lot). When he´s here, he´s up early and very productive, doing stuff around the house etc so that gives me a bit of motivation to do the crap boring repetitive cleaning and cooking stuff.

My boyfriend figured out that he can sometimes "program" me to feel more motivation to get started on boring, tedious things that NEED to be done. (Of course, you need someone else to do this in order for it to work. Accountability is the motivator here. We actually do this for each other.)

This is actually something I noticed I've been missing since I left the military. I don't have a roommate any more and no one holds me accountable for my actions. It used to be I'd feel guilty not doing my fair share of work, which would motivate me a bit, but since I'm not sharing work with anybody anymore there's no guilt. With no around to witness my shame or challenge me to do better, it's easy to just sink into my hole unnoticed. I feel like if someone I respected were on the couch next to me, silently judging me or visibly disappointed each time I got distracted, failed to go to class in the morning, didn't complete my assignments, etc., I'd be more stressed but at least I'd get more work done if only to maintain my pride and avoid looking like a turd. But if no one who cares about me is around to witness my self-destruction, I'm like a tree falling in a forest.