intimate troubles.

[Aionsins]

Hi, im new to the forums and i guess i do have a small problem. As a teen i never really had a physical relationship, or any for that matter. But I found a wonderful woman who is everything I've wanted.

The problem is, and as this is my first post im going to be very... delicate i guess in what i say. Most of the time I can keep myself in check, not 100% but you know as best you can. But ive been having, what some might say a good problem, but a problem none the less. As my profile states I am male, and i was a virgin. But I outlast her. At first i thought it was a fluke. But i consistently outlast her and i dont care much but she does.she thinks she cant please me and it bothers her. I really do feel good and i dont really notice any wondering of the mind but i was just curious if maybe this is something to do with the A.D.D. or if its something else (in which case i truely appologize for the post)

A little add background i guess would help. I took meds in like 3rd grade but i lost my, meness i lost what made me, me. So my parents took me off the drug. Fast forward to 6th grade where i start meds again they work better, but then in my health class and i found out that ritalin can be abused and cause heart enlargement freaks me out because some days id forget if i took it so i would take one just to be safe. Off pills again. All through high school work hard with teachers to get around it graduate. Ive found how to get myself back to task (as long as i dont find it tedious and boring, homework dragged on forever)

I also tried looking my problem up on my own but i found all these articles that mention mood swings and no touchyness and stuff and then i worry that im going to become that when im really not like that i love cuddleing and other stuff like that i mean she is my world and i treat her as such. I guess im kinda rambling now arent I.

Heh well TL;DR i outlast my girlfriend in the bedroom and am curious if it could be my ADD causing me to not just be able to "focus on the feeling" as she puts it. Thank you in advance for any advice.

[Fuzzy12]

I struggle with focussing on the feeling. I have to work really hard to concentrate. On anything.

If you don't mind outlasting her, it's fine I think. Most women have the opposite problem. I can see why it might make her feel insecure but if you tell her that it feels good for you and that you are happy to draw out your climax a bit longer, hopefully she'll just accept that.

If I understand you right, you aren't taking meds right now, isn't it?

[sarek]

Have you tried explaining this to her. If your relationship is solid this sort of thing is best worked out through good communicating.

Make sure she understands that its 'me, not you'

[mad83]

Yeah I have the same problem. It can be REALLY hard for me to focus to get to orgasm sometimes. Other times it's easy. Was she a virgin when you guys met? Maybe she's just a bit more sensitive than you.

Can you make yourself finish?

[SquarePeg]

Well I´m female and can have the same problem. But for me I do feel my mind wandering. No fault of my husband at all, so I often have to concentrate more on fantasies (however if I feel under pressure then it just doesn´t happen, and then my husband feels he hasn´t pleased me).

They say sex is in the mind.

[Conman]

dude...if you outlast your girlfriend and are unmedicated completely (seems like you havnt been on them for a long time), then either she doesnt last long (not trying to be offensive) or you have a gift. most of what ive seen here (albeit it's usually problems associated with being on Adderall, and other problems too) me and probably a sizeable amount of others here dont get to outlast...you lucky duck

maybe tell her that you outlasting her has nothing to do with how she pleases you, she's fine in that regard (presumably), just keep telling her this because some people are just less sensitive down there or somehow are given the blessing of being a long-lasting lover, it's not related to her pleasing you since it's something of your biology

[Aionsins]

Yes i am not on meds. And yes i have explained but there was a past boyfriend who wasn't abusive but wasn't touchy who when they were physical would finish and then stop all together so she is just adjusting you know its not so much insecure just bothered because we both thought i would you know the virgin jokes "he will be lucky to last 3 seconds" and when it was more like 3 minutes we kinda went.... "uh what? O.O"

Its one of those things where i didn't really attribute it to my ADD until last night when i felt my mind wander to a phone call with awkwardly enough my mother that's when i went "light bulb what if it's my add?" Unfortunately it was still during so it was awkward again thanks again everybody now that i kinda know what's going on i can talk to her about it and see of ways we can keep my eye on the ball.

[RedHairedWitch]

Are there certain things that help you finish? Like things that work when it's just you alone? Can you teach these things to her?

My guy is ADHD and his mind wanders, but I've learned how to get his attention and help him finish. He showed/explained what works for him (fast, firm grip) and we've found additional things as well. Talking dirty to him works really well.

Just keep exploring and experimenting. Also get her to start reading/listening to Dan Savage (Savage Love)

[anonymouslyadd]

Can you be a little more specific?

I understand that you want to be somewhat discreet in your explanation. I'm wondering if you achieved orgasm. If she think that she can't please you, then my first thought is that you can't have an orgasm, and so you last very long. Does she have an orgasm and then wants to end the sex?

[Fuzzy12]

Originally Posted by Aionsins

Yes i am not on meds. And yes i have explained but there was a past boyfriend who wasn't abusive but wasn't touchy who when they were physical would finish and then stop all together so she is just adjusting you know its not so much insecure just bothered because we both thought i would you know the virgin jokes "he will be lucky to last 3 seconds" and when it was more like 3 minutes we kinda went.... "uh what? O.O"

Its one of those things where i didn't really attribute it to my ADD until last night when i felt my mind wander to a phone call with awkwardly enough my mother that's when i went "light bulb what if it's my add?" Unfortunately it was still during so it was awkward again thanks again everybody now that i kinda know what's going on i can talk to her about it and see of ways we can keep my eye on the ball.

Um..3 minutes?? That doesn't sound too long. I think, the problem might not be with you. In fact, I wonder if there's a problem at all. Maybe your girlfriend is one of the few lucky women who don't struggle with taking a long time to orgasm.

[JPW-02]

Fuzzy 12 has it right.

Three minutes isn't so great, unless it is your first time, then you did pretty well.
I have been with girls I regularly gave multiple orgasms. I had one girlfriend make a rule we had to stop intercourse at three and use another method. I have also been with a few girls where it was a lot of work to get one.

I'd tell her your worried about it and you need a larger sample size to decide if it is a problem or not.

[Boemund]

Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch

Are there certain things that help you finish? Like things that work when it's just you alone? Can you teach these things to her?

My guy is ADHD and his mind wanders, but I've learned how to get his attention and help him finish. He showed/explained what works for him (fast, firm grip) and we've found additional things as well. Talking dirty to him works really well.

Just keep exploring and experimenting. Also get her to start reading/listening to Dan Savage (Savage Love)

I'd echo OP's troubles, and it seems like there's some great advice here if you're in a trusting relationship. Anybody have an idea how to broach this topic to someone you've just started dating--when it comes time for the first instance of physical intimacy?

[kilted_scotsman]

People think sex is simple..... it's not.... it takes a lifetime... and in each stage of life you find it reinvents itself...if you're open for that!

AS far as broaching this topic when one begins dating.... best just to start by communicating about sex in general... what you like and don't like, and what you'd like to try. Once communication is opened exploration can occur..... and one finds this isn't limited to the bedroom.... but begins to expand into the outside world and one finds intimacy can be experienced in the subtlest of ways. Exploration in the library is also beneficial.

The Taoists linked sexual practice with health and longevity... and revolve around the man learning to be able to pleasure the woman over a considerable time and thence absorb her slowly released chi energy without expending his own upon the flowery battlefield.....

it would seem that the OP has a head start in this ....

kilted

[mrs. dobbs]

Male friends have confided in me that there is a gender-based stereotype that men don't need any special treatment or time, that you're always ready, and that you don't need to cultivate the orgasm... and that it moves too fast and they never get a chance to get their heads around what's actually happening. I'm guessing there was too much emphasis on 'performing' and not enough teaching & learning about pleasure. If your ladyfriend thinks an orgasm is the indicator of good sex it's probably because we've all been taught that men are always ready and finish easy without any care.

[Joker_Girl]

It is a lot of work for me, to get there....i swear some times, if i am not getting into it, i lose my train of thought and start daydreaming about muffins, or what i am going to do if there is ever a zombie apocalypse. I have to concentrate. Or, i will not get turned on.

I am not even started to be turned on in 3 minutes.

I hope this is not TMI, i am just trying to say...if the girl is so fortunate as to be able to get off by having sex alone, no foreplay, no "other things" happening down there, she is one very fortunate woman indeed! Particularly in a few minutes! It takes so much longer than that and so much more work for most females! I wish i could do that, it would be great for stress relief! Like when you are at work and someone is p*ssing you off, you could be like, "Hold that train of thought (because i wont!). I have to go to the bathroom." *3 minutes later* "Hey! I'm back! Lets dont fight! I love you! Lets make cookies!"

I know the only way i could "find relief" from sex alone would be being the woman on the top for the position, and with my knee like it is now, that is not going to be happening! So we have discovered the best way is if i get mine first (or get "almost there" as a result of him doing sexy things all up on me), because he usually doesnt have any problem getting there himself.

I think you are both super lucky and apparently sexually compatible.

But trust me, if she gets her nut first, she isnt going to mind if you take a while longer to finish.

If she gets almost there and backs off a few times, when she finally finishes it will be a lot better than normal!

Thanks a lot, now im horny.