Really upset over the past

[Liuka2012]

I have been doing cognitive behavorial therapy along with being on medication now for Adult ADD. I am on adderal twice a day which I have never seen a new person.

I am scared of it because I am focusing now on everything and I actually for once have felt great. I can't believe how big of a diference this makes for me. I like it and I am so afraid of going to go the old me.

The scatter brained version that can't control there emotions and freaks out all the time. My child hood was ruined. I feel I was denied my child hood because my parents never cared about how I felt.

It was always my mom with her depression and my dad wtih his drinking and I got stuck in the middle. I hate the situation and how it is. I don't hate my parents because they don't know that they did it.

I finally had an epiphany today and have accepted it. I was so angry at my mom because just watching her do things today and how she yelled at me and called me laxy really hit home in my past. I never deserved any of it.

It was my adhd. Which I went on for years being undiagnosed. So now I also have to unlearn everything that they taught me and start over from scratch. I should have never had to do this. I have so much grief over it and I lost my husband over it, but now him and i are talking again and luckily he is being good about it. Well, both of ua are. Because we had our own issues.

because, he also had depression at the time. But, now I hate how my life use to be. I am afraid of going back to how I use to be. I am scared to death. I have come so far now. But, I am glad I got diagnosed because it has made the world of differance for me. for this I am greatful.

But, can anyone relate to what I am talking about?

[scrambled86]

Yep...I got diagnosed last week and have been going through some of the same feelings, I guess it's natural.

Think we just have to try and hold on to the fact that at least now we know and we can deal.with the past and work towards a better future, better that than to be still undiagnosed and suffering without knowing why.

Good luck and take care :-)

[tudorose]

Originally Posted by Liuka2012

I finally had an epiphany today and have accepted it. I was so angry at my mom because just watching her do things today and how she yelled at me and called me laxy really hit home in my past. I never deserved any of it.

I copped a lot of this too. Lazy, stupid, damned idiot, inconsiderate, thoughtless... When I think back I just want to clobber her. I am none of those things. She was talking about herself.

It's had a really bad impact on me because to try not to be like that I would run myself into the ground to try and prove I wasn't lazy and I developed an unhealthy attitude to putting other people before my own needs because she called me thoughtless and inconsiderate.

What I find now is that if someone calls me thoughtless or inconsiderate or lazy it's like letting out a raging bull.

I've been diagnosed for over a decade and have had CBT but I still really struggle with this one.

And when I do think about it I feel a lot of rage and anger that I then bury because I don't know how to deal with it in a constructive way.

[nanners]

Originally Posted by Liuka2012

I am scared of it because I am focusing now on everything and I actually for once have felt great. I can't believe how big of a diference this makes for me. I like it and I am so afraid of going to go the old me.

I remember feeling this way after getting diagnosed. In my experience I can relate it to a pendulum swing. You (or I did) swing in one extreme; clarifying all of your ADD traits and being extremely aware of them and wanting to change everything about you and how you go through life.

Then you swing the other way in all of your filthy ADD madness

Eventually the pendulum swings get closer and closer and you settle into your new diagnosed comfy self

Don't be scared Liuka!

[tudorose]

I don't know if it's possible to go back to your old self again. Once you start taking meds the innocence is lost and you are lifted out of the fog. There's no going back even if you want to.

[Liuka2012]

Tuorose: You posted "There's no going back even if you want to."

That really just made so much sense. I really am just afraid of change. Because, I was never taught how to do it in a constructive manner. But, I have been reading book after book after book.

I am so amazed by how I feel I am starting to feel better. My husband and I are talking but we are ot getting back together. It's more only because I want to sort thing's out.

along with being on medication I am also in AA and I have been sober almost 60 days now which is great. I don't have that urge to drink anymore because I would rather be where I am at right now.

But, yeah there is no going back and personally I wouldn't want too.

[Liuka2012]

we ot getting I meant to say we are NOT getting back together.

[SquarePeg]

When you are used to life a certain way it´s hard to actually believe that there is a better life out there and your are scared to trust it. You are doing to well, congratulations on staying sober. keep moving forward. I feel happy for you.

Your mother issues, I have a feeling you may be better off learning to forgive and let it go. I have a hunch that if she were confronted she will just deny it switch it back to you and make you upset and feel guilty. I don´t think you will win any arguments with her and end up frustrated and hurt.

[Geno]

It's a bittersweet feeling when you make that realization that all of those times people called you careless/lazy/immature/etc were for reasons beyond your control. Sure, it's nice knowing you aren't actually careless/lazy, but now I resent a lot of people for making me so convinced I was for so long...