Spouse with very little patience for DD

[Lunacie]

Originally Posted by nanners

agreed...
perhaps I should actually take a big stick and start bopping him over the head whenever he gets going.

A Nerf bat would be funnier.

Do they still make those?

Or one of those foam noodles for swimming.

[zette93]

I wish someone had an answer for how to change a spouse's behavior. My DH won't read Dizfriz's essays, and if he did the use of the passive voice, ie "hands are not for hitting," would cause him to dismiss it as psychobabble.

I cringe every time I hear, "I don't trust you to...", " Everyone else your age can...", and outsize punishments like, "If you do xyz again I will throw [favorite toy] in the garbage.". He will follow through sometimes, it's not necessarily an empty threat.

Trying to discuss it with him leads to threats of leaving 100% of the work of raising our children on my hands (basically becoming the breadwinner and doing nothing else). Not good for our marriage, and if I were a single mom I'd be a lot less available to help our son than I am now.

[Lunacie]

Originally Posted by zette93

I wish someone had an answer for how to change a spouse's behavior. My DH won't read Dizfriz's essays, and if he did the use of the passive voice, ie "hands are not for hitting," would cause him to dismiss it as psychobabble.

I cringe every time I hear, "I don't trust you to...", " Everyone else your age can...", and outsize punishments like, "If you do xyz again I will throw [favorite toy] in the garbage.". He will follow through sometimes, it's not necessarily an empty threat.

Trying to discuss it with him leads to threats of leaving 100% of the work of raising our children on my hands (basically becoming the breadwinner and doing nothing else). Not good for our marriage, and if I were a single mom I'd be a lot less available to help our son than I am now.

Would your spouse watch a video? Dr. Russell Barkley has some good stuff

on youtube in short clips taken from longer speeches.

[yephesmyson]

Originally Posted by nanners

agreed...
perhaps I should actually take a big stick and start bopping him over the head whenever he gets going.

I to have a man like that this suggestion would be nice lol
makes wonder if these types of me have a disability also. Because their brains cant work it out.

[Geno]

Your husband sounds like my mother(minus being physically abusive), tell him your daughter is going to grow up to resent and hate him and he won't realize it until it's too late to change.

[RedHairedWitch]

Sit him down to watch these videos: (they are all short)


http://youtu.be/KQC-Nk5OOfE

http://youtu.be/GR1IZJXc6d8

http://youtu.be/4xpEBE9VDWw

http://youtu.be/wF1YRE8ff1g

http://youtu.be/q3VuV5Jvazs

http://youtu.be/7cw8jHUkHiA


http://youtu.be/ZY5h-LhINU4

http://youtu.be/zt1QKqPc_vg

http://youtu.be/JiGsGJaxaEM

http://youtu.be/AekI1FLqU8E

http://youtu.be/GxFV4_xEc4Y

[nanners]

Originally Posted by Geno

Your husband sounds like my mother(minus being physically abusive), tell him your daughter is going to grow up to resent and hate him and he won't realize it until it's too late to change.

not sure if you were talking to me or one of the last posters....but I have mentioned that on occasion and received the eye roll. He thinks I am being over dramatic. I dunno, sometimes I think I will just have to let the pieces fall where they may...and he will have to learn the hard way what this will do to the relationship.

I talk to my daughter about her father and that he means best, etc..and she is in therapy in general and this is a topic that has been asked to be brought up with her....

[happytexas]

Originally Posted by nanners

My husband however has a very short fuse with her. He seems to think that negativity will reinforce good behavior. He consistently points out her errors and even ridicules her at times imo. It kills me to watch this happen over and over, as I feel this is further shrinking the little bit of self esteem she has. He is a loving father as well. I don't want to paint the picture of him being a total ***. But in this area we always butt heads. He basically thinks that I am too easy on her and that my empathy and "soft" way of going about talking to/disciplining her, won't help her any. Whereas I know that telling her she is an idiot (not in so many words) is not going to help or change anything.

Oooh, this was HUGE for us prior to ds being diagnosed, though it has become far less so after time. I know that I was doing things that weren't particularly effective in dealing with ds but dh ALSO was doing things that weren't effective/helpful either. Ask your dh how he expects your dd to even try to make better choices if she thinks she's an idiot?

You could try to find some good articles on the biology of ADHD, and possibly a meeting with a doctor that can speak knowledgeably on the subject.

I also suggest having regular "parent" sessions with her therapist or another that can help you make and tweak a behavior management plan. He may end up admitting that his "technique" isn't getting results but that he doesn't know what else to do. At least if you have a BMP you two could refer each other back to it and table disagreements until you meet with the therapist again.

About ADHD: A Doctor Explains the Symptoms, Causes, Diagnosis ...
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/784.html

[Geno]

Originally Posted by nanners

not sure if you were talking to me or one of the last posters....but I have mentioned that on occasion and received the eye roll. He thinks I am being over dramatic. I dunno, sometimes I think I will just have to let the pieces fall where they may...and he will have to learn the hard way what this will do to the relationship.

I talk to my daughter about her father and that he means best, etc..and she is in therapy in general and this is a topic that has been asked to be brought up with her....

Oh, I'm referring to your husband, sorry :P

My mother meant best too. She's not an evil woman by any means, she simply thought the way to fix ADHD symptoms was with ridicule and sometimes beatings. Her logic was "he does bad things. If I tell him those bad things are bad and hit him when he does bad things, maybe he stop doing bad things." It wasn't SO bad, because her rages would only last 20 minutes then she'd leave me alone for the rest of the day. Her father was the exact same way to a less crazy extent (when she got beat she usually knew what she did wrong, unlike me most of the time), so she figured if the system worked for her it'd work for me. I actually resent the constant ridicule more than I do getting hit all the time. I could take a few punches and kicks but constantly being told I'm an idiot or that there's something seriously wrong with me (Which I always knew inside I wasn't quite normal) and it's all my fault was infuriating beyond belief and by the time my parents got divorced and I moved away from her I already just thought I was a failure, gave up on trying in school and trying to make friends(Untreated severe ADHD makes people not like you, so my mother takes half the blame and people my own age at school take the other half. It takes a toll on you basically being told constantly that you suck at life because you don't try hard enough or because you always seem to annoy other people without knowing why.). So then follows two years of atypical depression (sleeping 16 hours per day and still being tired, eating constantly, rejection sensitivity so bad I talked to maybe 3 people all through middle school and the only person I actually TALKED to was my dad.) before any improvement is seen and I finally start to make some friends again, but still having a massive resentment/hate toward both school and my mother. (I talk to her once in a great while now, she tries to be nice and basically the opposite of what she used to be. I'm not still angry at her, but the resentment is still strong and I can't let it go if I try.)

Sorry for the long story, but basically my point is, ridicule can lead to resentment and resentment doesn't go away, at least not in my experience. My grandfather (my dad's dad) acted similarly to my mother did and although my dad hasn't lived with his dad since age 15, he's 45 now and still doesn't talk to him unless necessary (someone dies and they're both at the funeral). He tells me he still loves his dad, but because he resents him so much he can't bear talking to him. Even though he hasn't done anything in 30 years. I talk to him (my grandfather) sometimes and it's quite obvious he's not too happy with himself for making his own 2 kids dislike him so much. Hell, he even remarried and had two more kids (that are a few years older than me) and I'm guessing he was far different than them because they're as close with him as I am with my dad. (Now I'm not sure if that's the reason he had two more kids, but, what would you think if a guy had two kids in the 60s then again in the early 90s? :P)

I'm guessing your husband isn't as mean verbally as my mother and my grandfather were(but who knows, my mother never said things that were too bad until we were alone), but, the point of the long stories is being that kind of parent does nothing to help the child or the parent because the child will end up like me and the parent will eventually be upset when it's too late to fix it.

Wow I wrote more than I thought...you can skim it and skip the excess rambly crap if ya like :P

[nanners]

Hey Geno,
I hear ya loud and clear and really appreciate all that you shared.

I was also raised by abusive parents (physically, verbally, emotionally) and do not interact with my step father at all and not very much with my mother. To this day, I relate our relationship to that of a distant aunt (there is an occasional catch up on the telly).

Maybe this should be in another thread or pm, but i just wanted to say that in my own personal experience, I was able to let go of the hate and resentment. I came to realize it was taking up too much of my energy and time, to walk around with that black cloud over my head and heart. I decided that I would no longer allow them to "punish" me, all these years later, even though I no longer interacted with them. I really hope I don't come across as preachy or annoying (last thing I want!), just wanted to add my opinion to your statement: ..."resentment doesn't go away, at least not in my experience."

These are some of the reasons why it bothers me so much when my husband acts this way. My daughter currently adores him and wants only to please him.

I think I might have to have him join her in a counseling session or two and maybe if he hears it from a professional he will believe it to be true. It really trips me out, as as he is generally open and receptive to change things about himself for the better (whether brought to his attention all on his own or by others). Not sure why this one is so hard.

[Geno]

Originally Posted by nanners

Hey Geno,
I hear ya loud and clear and really appreciate all that you shared.

I was also raised by abusive parents (physically, verbally, emotionally) and do not interact with my step father at all and not very much with my mother. To this day, I relate our relationship to that of a distant aunt (there is an occasional catch up on the telly).

Maybe this should be in another thread or pm, but i just wanted to say that in my own personal experience, I was able to let go of the hate and resentment. I came to realize it was taking up too much of my energy and time, to walk around with that black cloud over my head and heart. I decided that I would no longer allow them to "punish" me, all these years later, even though I no longer interacted with them. I really hope I don't come across as preachy or annoying (last thing I want!), just wanted to add my opinion to your statement: ..."resentment doesn't go away, at least not in my experience."

These are some of the reasons why it bothers me so much when my husband acts this way. My daughter currently adores him and wants only to please him.

I think I might have to have him join her in a counseling session or two and maybe if he hears it from a professional he will believe it to be true. It really trips me out, as as he is generally open and receptive to change things about himself for the better (whether brought to his attention all on his own or by others). Not sure why this one is so hard.

Your daughter is still young, though. My resentment and aversion toward my mother exploded to an even more extreme extent than ever when I realized that mental disorders are just as physical as anything else like pneumonia. You don't choose to have your brain makeup and/or neurotransmitter levels to be different the same way you don't choose to have bloody mucous fill your lungs, it just happens. Shortly after I found out about my ADHD I suddenly (like a light bulb going off, an epiphany of sorts) realized that not only did she insult me and call me retarded/an idiot when I'm not (I realized that years before), but the fact that I always did horrible in school and paid for it dearly at home wasn't my fault, prior to this I thought I deserved most of what I got, so while I finally had found the answer to the question I've wondered for years (why am I not normal?), I also felt a burst of anger and hate now that I know that I spent the first half of my life with THAT(see description of my mother) and I no longer had the consolation of "well it sucked but i probably did something to deserve it, maybe if I weren't so lazy it would have been easier". You'd think it'd be a relief knowing it wasn't my fault, but...

Adding on top of that my mother's crazyness played a huge role in developing MDD and BPD(I actually did read both untreated ADHD and being held to impossibly high standards as a kid leads to BPD, which makes a lot of sense considering what it entails. I also read 50-70% of BPD people have ADHD too. I don't think it's a coincidence), maybe if I had gotten treated earlier I would have had more friends and no social anxiety. Even though the MDD hasn't done much damage in the last 4ish years, my BPD symptoms are the reason all of my (romantic and friendship) relationships rarely last long, which basically sums up why I continue to have social anxiety and low self esteem, along with feeling empty inside 99% of the time and why I constantly look for approval from others, i need to know what people think of me, fully knowing if it's negative the rest of my day is ruined, hell, i still feel the need to know know people's thoughts even if I KNOW its negative and going to ruin my day, it's odd. it's like didn't drink water for two days and you saw a glass of muddy disgusting water on the ground. you know it'll be unpleasant but you're dehydrated and need to drink it.(BPD traits)

Got a little carried away with the storytelling again, sorry :P I'm open about myself so I don't care how personal it is, I just don't want to bore everyone else. But the point of my story is, at 19 years old, most of the reason I'm still unhappy today was (at least in part) caused by being ridiculed and punished for things I couldn't help and being held to standards I couldn't reach unless I worked myself to the point of exhaustion (which I thought everybody else did and I just needed to stop being a p**sy and do it :P). School was miserable enough for me without her s**t, so I wasn't going to dedicate all of my energy in to something that makes me miserable just to please an unpleasable person. I didn't completely stop trying until later in middle school though. I could go in to how my entire school career was another big long conga line of bad and to write all of the reasons untreated ADHD f**ked me over there the website would run out of bandwidth from how long the post is. :P

That's a wall o' text, I apologize again. Feel free to skip as much as ya want. It does sound dramatic and oversimplified, but it's really not. My mother's parenting style + ADHD left untreated are two biiiiiiiiig causes of BPD, and BPD traits are biting me in the *** as described up there, and since BPD doesn't go away, it will continue to bite me in the *** although I hope not to this extent forever. Am I saying this'll happen with your husband and daughter? Probably not, because some of this was bad luck and bad things happening at bad times, but the point is to tell that while sticks and stones break bones, a broken bone heals itself usually while personality disorders rarely, if ever do, and living your life with BPD is no fun(well, a little fun occasionally but mostly anger, anxiety, and emptyness) and even less fun when I didn't know what BPD was and why I did the things I did :P

[zette93]

Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch

Sit him down to watch these videos: (they are all short)


http://youtu.be/KQC-Nk5OOfE

http://youtu.be/GR1IZJXc6d8

http://youtu.be/4xpEBE9VDWw

http://youtu.be/wF1YRE8ff1g

http://youtu.be/q3VuV5Jvazs

http://youtu.be/7cw8jHUkHiA


http://youtu.be/ZY5h-LhINU4

http://youtu.be/zt1QKqPc_vg

http://youtu.be/JiGsGJaxaEM

http://youtu.be/AekI1FLqU8E

http://youtu.be/GxFV4_xEc4Y

Fantastic videos! Just what I need to get through to DH! Thank you!

Now has anyone found similar ones regarding Aspergers???