Sometimes I think...

[fracturedstory]

That when I struggle something good will come out of it.

Like I can't focus or have motivation to do something but then something good happens because I can't focus. An opportunity comes up, I meet a new friend, or I manage to snag some rare collector's item before time runs out. Or even a can barely get out of bed let alone catch the train to my doctor's appointment and after missing out I started questioning my own social awareness, and decided I might have built on it but I still have no clue sometimes. This might not mean much to some people but for me it was calming. I try so hard to be understanding but I still make mistakes. I miss out on queues in peoples words alone.

Today I started off ok on my medication. I read quite a lot then I felt too tired to go on. I worried. I ate. I worried. Then I got an opportunity to help someone and now I feel really really good and have more motivation to just launch into some work that I've been struggling to get into all day.

I know I sound crazy when I try to talk about seeing the light in the darkness, or less dramatic, the good things from the bad, but it works for me. Given I've had PMDD for about 23 days now that's a blessing.

However, the good only becomes clear to me after both the struggle and good thing happening has passed. I feel kind of ashamed I reacted the way I did (yelly, screamy sweary, despondent, paranoid) then I think well, if I didn't then I maybe wouldn't feel this relieved. OK, now I'm talking about something completely different, but it's closely connected to what this thread is about. And maybe would make more sense to you if I explained it in actual words. Nah.

So yeah, I feel like I'm wasting time now. Write write write write, must write book.

[SquarePeg]

I understand exactly what you mean but I hesitate to post any good feelings on this board, especially when I see the upside of a situation. But you articulate it so much better than I ever could. If you can see the upside to any situation, either immediately or afterwards then I think that´s great.

When something bad happens to me I choose to look at it as fate, like it happened for a reason (which may or not become apparent later I wrote off my car 30 years ago, I can remember thinking thank goodness I had good friends because my life was pretty unbearable at the time. I was driving too fast in the rain and not concentrating and flipped the car. I walked away without a scratch. A witness said it was a miracle and she was almost certain that I had died.

I choose to look at that accident as a warning. I was lucky that time but next time maybe not. Whenever it rains I think of that accident and drive extra carefully.

[fracturedstory]

I tend to think things happen for a reason too. When I first moved to Sydney I felt safe for the first time in my environment. Then I felt a little too safe and wandered into a street where there were not so nice people, and now I've been here almost a year I've learned how it's not actually the safest place. That place doesn't really exist anywhere but I hear of crimes and violence in the papers a lot, and I hear the sirens.
It just woke me up to the danger and now I'm more cautious.

Another time was when I was going to go to a demonstration against puppy farms. It slipped my mind and on that same day in the same area the protest against the maker of the offensive Youtube video about muslims, was held. And that turned violent.
If I had been there I would have frozen up, been targeted by police for my skin colour or just beaten amongst all that chaos, and would have become even more of a shut in. I deal with mild agoraphobia enough as it is.

[Fuzzy12]

I tend to think that most things are random and that good/bad are only relative, but I really, really hope that I'm wrong and you are right. Ahem, I don't want to start a war by using the A-word, but I guess, a lot depends on your attitude. Some people can see the light (and yes, they might just be kidding themselves) in any crappy situation.

[fracturedstory]

I don't know why I do it, Fuzzy. I suppose I've been on the extreme end. I've had every kind of anxiety you can think of. The endless rushing ruminating thoughts. I hated it that now I just stop myself from thinking like that before it consumes me or I distract myself from it. I've also got some CBT training so can change my own thought patterns. Change what types of words I use. I barely say anything self deprecating to myself, or others for that matter.

I've had depression in my youth too and I never want to go back there, but my hormone imbalance makes that much harder. I can still have days/weeks at the extreme end of depression but my biggest concern is the trail of destruction I leave and how people react to it. I mean these last couple of weeks I've been fighting it so hard and I still feel like it's going to win over.

I think it has to do with my personality too, not just attitude. I don't properly understand what attitude is. I always saw attitude as defiant behaviour. 'Don't give me attitude, kid.' Marketers used attitude to get children to wear their clothes brand too. A kid with attitude was a kid with punch in their personality.

I know not everyone can adopt this way of thinking especially when they've dealt with depression or just frustrating ADHD that has been nothing but a burden to them for years. I love science and this thinking really goes against it, but so does my faith.

For me though, I think it's a coping mechanism. If I had more responsibility and was in the world more maybe I wouldn't have time to reflect about it. As it is I don't get to be in the world much because of my sensory issues and my poor communication skills, and even my sensitivity to the sun.

I basically started this thread because I was bursting to write this down, and I felt it quite strange to have this line of reasoning. I basically write so I can get a better understanding about my thoughts.

I never want to say a harsh words against another person (unless I'm trolling a troll) but am here to share tips for those who want it. I hope science will eventually be able to take that depression away from you, Fuzzy, I really do.

Again, I say it's our genes that give us different abilities. We can't change that and it's nobody's fault if they don't have that ability.

And if it makes you feel any better my life is still a struggle. Will I ever get a job? Probably not. I'm reaching toward my own career which may be a silly dream and I should just live in the real world and get a job that doesn't allow me to explore my creativity. Maybe I should socialise more and stress out about that. Maybe I should look at all my symptoms of every disorder as nothing but a burden limiting me from reaching my full potential and become miserable about it. Done that. It's hard to climb out of that.

There's so so much I can get down about, and I still do from time to time. I often find myself walking down a road and not care if I get hit.

I don't want to make myself sound better than people. I don't mean to offend and I'm sorry if my words do. I have to write this though. I will never censor myself. In my mind freedom of speech is the freedom to express yourself as long as it doesn't wilfully discriminate against another person.

It's good to hear that I'm not alone in this thinking.

[Spacemaster]

I don't know if this makes any sense, but it seems like when sh** hits the fan, I have an easier time muscling through it, and I'm not depressed. This applies more to external things that are beyond my control, I'm not so good when it's the result of some dumb neglectful thing I did.

I get more down when things are stagnant. It's like, when the dust settles, and everything is just normal for a while, I have too much time to sit there and think about stupid crap.

I can't really articulate what I'm trying to say.

[fracturedstory]

Nah, I get it. I'm not the same. I panic, I overreact, I rant. And then I settle down and think about it rationally.
But that is a good trait to have. Being able to keep cool through a crisis.

I hate thinking about stupid crap too. That's when I think I need to be stimulated with some science books.

I'm pretty bad with external changes though. When it's me I cope better.

I'm better at keeping my head when it's someone else's crisis.

[sarek]

I think one of the things that skews our perceptions normally is that society values everything in terms of money and many of the great things we get to do every day can not be valued that way.

If I sit here in my office and I am browsing the forum I am not making any money for myself yet I still feel I am doing something useful. Too bad you can't eat usefulness.

I also understand the external crisis thing. If its about me I am worthless, if its about someone else and within my limited field of abilities, I can sometimes actually achieve something.

[SquarePeg]

Originally Posted by Spacemaster

I don't know if this makes any sense, but it seems like when sh** hits the fan, I have an easier time muscling through it, and I'm not depressed. This applies more to external things that are beyond my control, I'm not so good when it's the result of some dumb neglectful thing I did.

I get more down when things are stagnant. It's like, when the dust settles, and everything is just normal for a while, I have too much time to sit there and think about stupid crap.

I can't really articulate what I'm trying to say.

I think I know what you mean, for me when the pressure is on I can perform. I had 24 hours to get a load of paperwork to get an application to get 150 euros from the government for school books. It involved form filling, photocopying, looking up information, getting receipts together and a certificate for my bank account. Got it all done in time. I can do these things when I´m up against a tight deadline.

On the other hand I took 11 years to make an appointment with my doctor. The consultation, pre op test, operation and recovery took 3 weeks in total.

[Amtram]

Depression and negative thinking can be self perpetuating whether you're clinically depressed or not. (It's just harder to stop the cycle if you need meds. . .) If you find one tip or trick that gets you over a hump that's a particular problem for you, use it!

[hanikamiya]

I don't know if this makes sense to you, but often, when I haven't been able to do the things I'm expected to do/I expect myself to do, the reason is that my mental ressources are busy with other things. Stuff that is important, but that I wouldn't willingly think about.

[SquarePeg]

fracturedstory again you articulate your feelings so well. You bring up an interesting point regarding work. it´s a catch 22 situation I suppose. For me I am practically useless and can barely function if I don´t have a job There is just too much unstructured time for me to handle and I can barely think or do anything.

I realise I use my work as a "legitimate" excuse not to get things done at home. My job at the moment is low paid and the lesson planning takes me far longer than it should and really stresses me out. The actual lessons I give are fine though. All my work does really is pay my social security contributions (without this I couldn´t receive healthcare). But it stops me sinking into deep depression, but like I say too much time is a killer for me.

It´s a catch 22 situation as I know some people here would love to work but have problems with sticking to one job, making silly mistakes at work, even getting to work on time.

You wonder if you will get a job that would allow you to use your creativity, it´s a dream for you but you say "probably not". Follow your dream, keep working at it. Sometimes a crappy job can lead to other things. I know you are not big on socialising but being "out there" even in a shi**y job, can lead you to meet people and opportunities.

I had the worst job for me ever a couple of years ago (telephone interviewing) and after the first hour I knew I hated it and didn´t see how I could last the day let alone the 4 month contract. But I met my team and we all hated it (all of the others had university qualifications), we all bonded through out hatred of the job and being misfits, passed our days being totally childish and immature, we surfed the net when the boss wasn´t around. We were all "misfits" in life, from different countries/cultures and defo not mainstream, how on earth we ended up together I don´t know (fate?). We have kept in touch and amazingly in our search for jobs for ourselves we have all found jobs for each other, don´t ask me how but for months after our contract finished we kept sending each other job applications for jobs we thought each other was suited to. Note not necessarily what we thought we were suited to. But again, how we see ourselves, our strengths and weaknesses is not always the same as other see us.

I hope you get to fulfill your dream, you certainly deserve and I value your contributions to this board.

[fracturedstory]

When I'm not doing anything outside of my home life, like working and socialising I'm actually more structured. I always think if I did work I'd lose that structure.

I've done work experience and that was before my sensory issues got this severe and all these other health problems turned up. Although one day I almost fainted and the only trigger would have been exhaustion. I would need accommodations and understanding from others or I wouldn't cut it.

I might be ok in a job. I've got medication now. But if I couldn't write I might just feel really restless. Or being around all those people in a busy environment I might not have any thoughts. That's much worse.

I may have to practice my illustration skills if my friend wants to have me design his graphic novel.