Why depression?

[SquarePeg]

I am posting about my own experience and those of my friends. I am not making generalisations or assumptions about others.

I suffered depression in my 20s had therapy and have been pretty ok since. I am 47. That´s not to say that I´ve had not problems but they are not of the "I´m going to jump under a train type".

I believe my depression was a sign of my subconscious telling me that how I was living my life and my thinking weren´t working for me. It was a warning sign telling me "It´s time to change". Because I continually ignored that sign (from a very young age I could hear the warning bell but I was confused, I knew something wasn´t right but had neither the maturity or knowledge to know what to do, so I ignored the bell).

SO as a result of ignoring the warning bells, and continued repression of my feelings I ended up with depression. Looking back (oh yes the hindsight) I knew I was different and didn´t fit in, I constantly tried to make myself fit, to be someone I wasn´t, to adhere to societies rules which I couldn´t, which led me to feel that I didn´t belong in this world. There was loads more as well.

Therapy taught me to accept and be myself and be comfortable with it. I felt that if people knew the real me, the me that I kept hidden that they wouldn´t like me. I felt that I only allowed people to see what I wanted them to see and that was the part they liked, but that it wasn´t the real me. I actually realise now that people can see a lot more of us than we realise and the people that we "click" with can often see a lot of the real us (maybe that´s why they are attracted to us).

I have a few friends that I have had for many years. One friend in particular was quite "normal" and boring. However after her breakdown she became infinitely more interesting and happier and I liked her better. Before her depression she had this idea of what the perfect wife and mother should be and was trying to be that, at the expense of herself. It took many years of living like this and the death of her father for her to finally crack. She was trying to make herself be what she felt she was supposed to be, just like I did. She has so much more of a relaxed attitude and is able to put her needs first at times and take care of herself. She always put everyone before herself. She has been through about 10 years of heartache, meds and therapy, divorce but now she´s doing ok.

More and more of my friends have had depression and some are still fighting, but some are out the other side. For all of them the problem has been with them trying to be what they are not, denying their own feelings, invalidating them, trying to fit in to society´s and their families´ and maybe their own expectations, not being true to themselves because it made them feel selfish.

It´s hard to grow up and be who we need to be, as we are so often told by others, parents, teachers, bosses that how are are "being" is wrong. Different sectors society expect different things and we have to conform. I´m sure each member can come up with a list of "the rules" for their particular part of society.

So when depression strikes, it´s often the result of many many years of repressing feelings, of pretending that all is ok, that it will go away. To acknowledge the warning bells means we have to change, may be make big changes, possibly leave partners, or leave us financially less secure, disappointing parents and others. There are many reason why we subconsciously pretend that we don´t hear the bells. But to do ignore the warnings often leads to depression.

I had a collague from a middle class background, she went to law school to please her parents and became a law as "expected". She really struggled every day, she hated her job, she wanted to become a doctor but she felt trapped, all the money and time spent on her education. There were quite a few like that where I worked, who were pressured by families and society to choose a certain path, but at what cost to themselves.

Depression was my chance to change my life for the better (that´s not saying that depression is a positive thing) but it was my subconscious screaming out for help and I am grateful that it happened earlier on in my life, before kids and that I was lucky enough to have a great psycotherapist.

I know for a lot of you, depression is ongoing and debilitating, compounded by other conditions and has ruined your lives. For the younger ones starting on this forum, when the warning bells ring stop and listen.

I`m not saying the above is the only reason for depression, again it´s only about me and my friends. Of course there are many other reasons and solutions.

[sarahsweets]

I'm really glad for you square leg. Do you think your depression was situational or clinical or a chemical imbalance? I know for me being bipolar, its a chemical imbalance that no amount of therapy could control. Medication Ha's made a world of difference. I have friends who like you, have has a great turnaround after therapy and some self realization and some who didn't know they were clinically depressed until they sought help.

[Babel87]

Hey Squarepeg I am new on this forum but i just wanted to say thank you for posting this, and I am very glad your working through it all. I can very much relate to what you are saying. I am 25 and have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and have now been told I have depression and anxiety. I have been like you ignoring these warning bells, I have always been unhappy with the way I have lived my life and i think I have ignored them for too long and its finally taken its toll. I am very nervous as to what will happen to me now with therapy and medicine but If I dont deal with my issues now it might get out of control. Once again Squarepeg thank you for this post

[SquarePeg]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Do you think your depression was situational or clinical or a chemical imbalance?

This was not entirely clear, because of the duration of my depression and suicidal thoughts and the fact that my mother and brother suffered depression, it was thought a strong indicator of clinical depression. There are also studies which show that long term untreated situational depression can lead to the turning off or mutating of certain genes affecting brain chemistry. When telling my therapists my thoughts, feelings and dreams I had when I was 6, she said that it sounded very much like depression. If so it started at 6 or earlier and I sought treatment at 19.

It´s not that I don´t ever suffer depression now, it´s more I have learned to live with it and know the episodes will pass and I just have to go with it. I am worried somewhat as I know that if clinical depression is untreated it can lead to early onset of alzheimers. So in answer, I´m really not sure.

My friend has bi polar and she told me that there is a history of bi polar in her family but that stress triggers can cause a person to develop bi polar. So even though she may be genetically predisposed to bi polar, it may have been possible to have gone through life without developing it or at least delayed development. Hers developed after a series of stressful events.

[SquarePeg]

Originally Posted by Babel87

Hey Squarepeg I am new on this forum but i just wanted to say thank you for posting this, and I am very glad your working through it all. I can very much relate to what you are saying. I am 25 and have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and have now been told I have depression and anxiety. I have been like you ignoring these warning bells, I have always been unhappy with the way I have lived my life and i think I have ignored them for too long and its finally taken its toll. I am very nervous as to what will happen to me now with therapy and medicine but If I dont deal with my issues now it might get out of control. Once again Squarepeg thank you for this post

Hi, first of all nothing will happen to you re therapy and medication. Any treatment needed for whatever condition you may have will be discussed and decided between yourself and your doctor, you have a choice and you make the decisions.

It can be hard to make the changes we need in life without upsetting other people or to know whether we are making the right decision. My adhd often caused me to act impulsively and not always make the best decision. Are you receiving any treatment yet for anxiety and depression? Talk to you doctor, sometimes we need to make changes at other times we may need to view things differently or have our feelings validated.