'Men and Women Can't be 'Just Friends'

[keliza]

My favorite part of my friendships with men is the part where they realize I'm gay. Apparently I "look straight" and most people don't realize I'm gay until I tell them explicitly, and even then, half the time they think I'm joking. I'm not sure how to take that, but whatever.

Anyway, point being that when I first make a guy friend, we're friendly, it's fun, they're cool. Then at some point they either hit on me, or ask me out, try to hook up with me, or in some way segue into that nebulous fringe area between platonic friends and not-so-platonic-friends. That's usually when I tell them they're barking up the wrong Indigo Girl. After the initial shock wears off, they're even cooler than they were before. Much funnier, more open, easier to be around in general.

At first I never understood this, but now I guess it makes sense. Before that point, they were deciding whether or not they were into me, or later on, figuring out how they were going to get into my pants. I guess once they aborted that mission, they felt like they could be more themselves.

[Sandy4957]

Man, Retro., until I got married I TOTALLY felt your pain. I can't tell you how many male friends I had who were just not into me "that way." Gave me a complex!

Keliza, I've had the opposite situation come up. I look like a lesbian to a lot of people. One time I was getting together with a lesbian couple with whom I was friends, and they had another bi woman along with them. They warned her, "Now, just to warn you, you are going to SWEAR that she's bi or a lesbian, but she isn't..." Sort of embarrassing if it got to the point that someone sort of hit on me, but VERY flattering.

[sarek]

I have pretty much been an established resident of the friendzone all my life. I don't know any better and had pretty much already given up when my (ex for now) gf showed up.

[PookDo]

I'm a guy and I have a really hard time being friends with other men not women

[Rebelyell]

I agree pook doo most men are egomaniacal douchebags that try to out do each other especially in front of other females ive seen it and experienced it 1st hand.A smart woman will of course see thru this I would hope.

[Rebelyell]

I think thats where im at now in my life as sarek had said

[Joker_Girl]

I have more male friends than female friends. It just seems often there is less drama.

Prolly my second-best-friend is my husbands best friend. Ive known him since i was like 21 or so. One of few people i can talk about anything to, who seems to accept me for what i am.

My best friend is, of course, my husband.

I have a female friend i have been very close to for many years, but she is frustrating me here lately and i have been avoiding her.

I dont hang around with many people and prefer to be alone.

[Ocyan]

Yeah yeah... been there lived that... it's one of the reasons I'm really prioritizing the relationship to go naturally, instead of having to guess if my telepathic powers, to see if I'm on her mind, actually do work while being a gay friend from whom 'I know I don't have to fear anything with you' is the wildest sexual activity to be hoped for...

[Rootkit]

My wife and I have discussions about this occasionally. I was amused to be able to show her the article in question, since she's usually on the side of the fence that this is a rarity as opposed to the norm.

[aaron2]

they can be until and unless they fall for each other..lolz!

[aaron2]

they can be friends until and unless they start loving each other..lolz

[kilted_scotsman]

Being "just friends" is being "just friends".... there's no sexual attraction.

As an ADDer I think I get a neurochemical "hit" from sexual attraction, however that hit wears off after a while.... it doesn't matter whether sex has occurred or not.... then things settle down into friend territory.... but only if the woman has ADDery tendencies too.

NT's seem to expect things to go the other way.... i.e. sexual attraction/fulfillment is the beginning of focus rather than the end.

Since the neurochemical hit is very addictive I think I have often subconsciously manufactured it by focussing on a completely unsuitable/unaware women during times of boredom..... therefore the lower my neurotransmitter levels the more likely I am/was to seek out/manufacture that "hit".

Now I am learning to be upfront about how I feel..... it is really interesting as I find that women who are interesting and fun to be around are OK with that.... while the others tend to vanish in a shriek and a cloud of dust.

I have a feeling the man/woman "When Harry met Sally" thing is different for ADDers.... however our inability to read whether the opposite sex is "into" us might not be as different as we often think.....

maybe NT's don't have the internal chatter/negative self talk that many of us do and just bust ahead and flirt/attempt to bed the object of their lust.

kilted

[hanikamiya]

I'd think it also depends on how attractive somebody thinks s/he is. I remember female friends knowing they are attractive interpret men wanting to talk to them as being attracted to them. I myself, believing I am unattractive, would interpret the same situation as just somebody thinking I'm entertaining or useful to them.

I don't know about guys who believe themselves to be attractive, but I know that guys who display low to moderate self-esteem tend to mis-interpret my friendliness as attraction.

[Conman]

but im 'Just Friends' with lots of girls! and by this i also mean most if not all my friends who are girls i dont have feelings for, hence doesnt apply. the female perceived Lack of Attraction is mutual in my case. i mean we're all friends, they just happen to be girls and im a guy. no romantic feelings from me for them.

[Rebelyell]

I have a hard time reading the oppositesex and body language in general,kind of pathetic if ya ask me.