Jinxed it, trouble getting to school today

[JenE]

He did awesome yesterday!

I've been taking him this wk instead of DH. Today I had a presentation at work I could not get out of. It usually is in the afternoon but today it was morning so DH had to take him. I thought he'd be ok with such a great day yesterday but it may have been too big a change too quick. DH called me to talk to DS and he was wailing he wanted me to come.

I just finished my presentation and checked. DH said they were sitting in the office so at least he got in the building. SIGH.

Guess I'll try taking him tomorrow. DH and I are going to have to change our work schedules to accomodate the rest of this year so I can take him and DH pick him up (we did it the otherway around the rest of this year). I am out of vacation and my work says I'll have to start taking FMLA unpaid to cover this.

[SquarePeg]

Sorry I can´t keep track of all the stories but how old is your son and does he cry when he is dropped off at school? Do you always go and get him?

sorry he has had a bad day.

[JenE]

He's almsot 11 and in 5th grade. He is suffering from anxiety. DH is sitting with him in the office trying to get him to go to class. I've not heard anything in 2hrs so probably still working with him. He did well yesterday, hesitant but did go to class and had a good day but I took him yesterday and DH took him today so it was a change in routine. We've been battling this since the first of Feb.

[JenE]

Well, DH said he is going to keep taking him. I don't know. He's hard on him, I'm soft on him. I don't know what works better. We just have to get him back into school!!!

[silivrentoliel]

maybe the "soft" approach though helps with his anxiety.

[Lunacie]

Is there something different in his schedule between Wednesday and
Thursday? Something that is more difficult and more stressful for him?

Maybe if you asked the same boy who walked him to class on Wednesday
to meet him at the front door or in the office and walk him to class, that
would help?

[dvdnvwls]

Sometimes a "hard" approach can be too much - but don't forget that a "soft" approach can also be too much, causing extra stress etc. Any time you can manage a non-hard non-soft "just simple" approach, it might be a good thing.

[JenE]

They do a different schedule on Monday, Thursday and Friday where the class mix up based on advanced classes. They call it middle school schedule. He doesn't like it because its different. They started this before Christmas and he did ok with it until Feb but he started complainining about it in January. But he didn't mention that at all this week and he wasn't able to go on Tues which was regular schedule. I think it might have been the switch in who dropped him off since I've done it this week. And it might have just been him and it wouldn't have mattered who did it today.

I have cautioned DH to be softer (no yelling/threatening) and I'm being harder (not giving in easily and pushing more) so hopefully we are both falling out somewhere in the middle.

The buddy system is something we discussed yesterday and it is an option, we just have to set it up. DH was even trying to get DS to find Luke but DS was so upset I don't think it would have mattered today.

DH and I and yes DS too are all just so weary of this and honestly depressed too. I just wish we could all get some relief.

[SquarePeg]

Originally Posted by JenE

Well, DH said he is going to keep taking him. I don't know. He's hard on him, I'm soft on him. I don't know what works better. We just have to get him back into school!!!

I think you need to try and stick to the same approach. Is it ADHD anxiety or something else?
My son had problems when he was younger with school, he cried at playschool, he cried at school, then we moved to Spain and he cried even more at school. I used to take him in, his teacher used to let me settle him in, it was awful. His friends would be there and try to console him and help him but he just ignored them.

Then he had a new teacher, she told me to leave him at the gate and walk away, I wasn´t allowed to come in with him. He has never cried since.

My daughter who is 17 has anxiety problems she can´t even order a drink at a café, she gets sweaty palms at the mere thought and can´t/won´t do it.

I have forced her to do stuff, like take the bus on her own 1 stop and she called me every five minutes before she actually got on the bus and then she was fine.

her doc says it´s part of ADHD for her, when faced with a threatening situation her brain is unable to overcome this fear and complete the task. Concerta has helped her a lot with this.

I hope your doc can offer some help as it must be awful, not only for you but for him.

[dvdnvwls]

Originally Posted by SquarePeg

Then he had a new teacher, she told me to leave him at the gate and walk away, I wasn´t allowed to come in with him. He has never cried since.

JenE: There is always this possibility with your son. You and your husband should talk about this together and see if you can come up with a strategy that makes sense.

[JenE]

Thanks everyone. Got more info from DH.

DS broke down as soon as he woke up and realized I wasn't taking him. Gave Dad a horrible time all morning and cried all the way to school. He got him into the building but said it wasn't easy. Said he cried a lot and just kept saying he wanted mom. Somehow at some time they asked his buddy to come up and see if he could help. DH said he went right with him but I think they must have been coming back from lunch and the whole class stopped to go to the bathroom and DS fell apart, got very upset and came back up. I think that is when they decided to just come home.

DH still wants to take him. DS says he just can't go with Dad. I think it is because DH has lost his temper with DS over this in the past and also recently and treated him poorly over this so he is kind of afraid of him. I understand DH's stance. He has been taking him all year with no problems until now and that is our schedule. I go to work early so I can get DS at dismissal. BUT if he is more comfy with me and will go, I think we should switch and DH go in early and pick up at dismissal. The goal is to get him in school whatever it takes. DH also doesn't want to use the buddy system. Says it brings too many people into it, isn't fair to the other student and what if that student isn't there one day.

Wish I had a magic wand.

[dvdnvwls]

What would honestly happen if your son was dropped off somewhere near the school and you (or husband) simply left? Would he run away, wander away, or simply decide to go in?

[CanadaMom]

Uggh being a parent means you never know what the "right" thing is. Unfortunately it is all just trial and error, because all kids are unique.

I have heard that there are some meds for ADHD that also help with anxiety. Has your doctor mentioned anything like that?

[zette93]

Something about your son's situation just resonates for me. I feel like we were in such a similar place six months ago. It took me a long time to come to the realization that DS7 was expressing something through his behavior that he was unable to convey in words. Every kid at some point says, "I hate school" or "I don't want to go today" or "Can't I just stay home?". DS would whine and complain on the way into the classroom, but once I got him settled in it seemed like we would eventually figure out how to make it work for him. He would have good days and bad days. It's hard as a parent to know when things have gotten so bad for them that they Just. Cannot. Bear. It. Any. Longer.

Behavior is a form of communication. Your son can't express, perhaps can't even identify, what it is about the classroom or the school that is so wrong for him. He just knows that it is intolerable at some fundamental level.

In kindergarten we spent most of the year finding a combination of meds that would enable DS to focus and be calm enough to learn without sedating him. We next tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for 3 months without seeing any difference. The school had a behavioral specialist from their autism group observe him in class for two weeks and help the teacher make changes that actually seemed to work for awhile. The kindergarten teacher did not push him academically and he really did not learn anything that year. In first grade, the teacher pushed for DS7 to do things like copy 10 spelling words one time (the other kids copied them 3 times) and to write his last name on papers. Not unreasonable, just barely a stretch academically, when added to all the stress (for him) of a classroom with 24 kids, and constant interruptions to go to circle, go to small group, start this, stop that, he was in a pressure cooker. He had mildly disruptive behavior at some point every day, and huge physical meltdowns (hitting, kicking, throwing objects, running out of the classroom) at least once a week.

I kept thinking the solution was just around the corner. Find the right combo of meds. Suggest accommodations and new approaches to the teacher (who *was* trying). Push the school to provide a 1:1 aide for his safety. Push the school to have the aide be a consistent person instead of someone new nearly every day. Push the OT to teach him to form his letters so that writing would be easier. Find the right social skills therapy. Push the district to get that behavioral specialist back in to help again.

In the end the other parents in the class rebelled and starting putting enormous pressure on the principal to get my son out of that classroom. (They actually staged a two day boycott.) The principal caved and called an IEP meeting to move him into the special day class with Downs Syndrome kids. When we pushed back for a more appropriate placement, the principal took the next meltdown as an opportunity to suspend him for 3 days to put pressure on us.

We were planning to move to a different district anyway, so instead of fighting through the legal system we just pulled DS out of school. Originally the plan was to homeschool, but then I discovered there was an opening in a non-public school that was specifically for kids with Aspergers. (We are paying privately, $15k/yr, and are fortunate to have the savings to be able to do so.)

The difference has been night and day. In just two months he went from constant low level resistance and weekly physical meltdowns to getting raving daily reports about how he is eagerly participating in class and performing all tasks requested of him. He's learning to read, mastering math facts, and his handwriting is improving. The staff is incredibly responsive. At the beginning, he would cry and yell about going into school in the morning, and have a screaming fit about getting into the car in the afternoon. When it hadn't resolved after 2 or 3 days, they immediately said let's come up with a new plan. A staff member now meets him at my car in the morning, and walks him to my car in the afternoon. They asked me to have him pick a toy or book to bring in the morning, and the first thing they do is give him time to look at the book or play with the toy before starting his day. It's not so much the specific technique they use, as it is their willingness to figure out what DS needs and make change to make it work for him. The public school with 24 kids in the class just cannot be that flexible and responsive.

If you can somehow change the setting to one that is a better fit for your child, I think a lot of the anxiety and resistance you are seeing will be greatly reduced. That was our experience, anyway.

[LynneC]

Oh Jen, I'm so sorry that your DS is still struggling so much with this.

What about a compromise? First week, you take him 4 days and DH takes him 1 day (the least stressful school day). Next week, You take him 3 days, DH takes him 2 days, 3rd week DH takes him all days.

Obviously you'd need to talk to DH first to see if he'd agree, but if he would, you both could sit down with DS and work it out...

I think your DH is being unrealistic in thinking that he can just resume the same schedule as before without any modification, given all that has happened...