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  #16  
Old 07-16-13, 04:52 AM
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Re: It is Getting very Bad

all doctor stuff aside, and meds too, just think about if you would be upset if your wife was having a type of sexual meetup or affair and you found out about it. Would you be upset? If the answer is no, then there is more going on with your marriage then you thought. If the answer is yes then there is more going on in your marriage then you thought. See what I mean?
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  #17  
Old 07-16-13, 04:22 PM
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Re: It is Getting very Bad

Has your wife always had no interest in sex, or is this a recent development? If you previously had a satisfying sex life, then couple's counseling might be an option, since lack of sexual interest can be the result of other unaddressed marital difficulties. Women in particular seem to lose interest in sex if there are other problems in the relationship. If she's never been interested in sex, then that's a different issue.

Hope I'm not crossing a line here; just want to help. Apologies in advance if I've stepped too far.
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  #18  
Old 07-23-13, 06:51 AM
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Lightbulb Re: It is Getting very Bad

@sarahsweets I would be upset with my wife if she was looking elsewhere because she is the one who has other options - i.e. me. I only took this path because of her disinterest. It is not just the sex it is all forms of affection

@yukata - of course there are lots of other issues in the marriage, I think that some women start treating the husband like one of the children and scolding him for small things like stuff left lying around etc. I do not respond well to this. As far as couple's counseling goes she does not want to go. Why should she go, she firmly believes any issues between us are entirely me and accepts no responsibility at all.

You have not crossed any lines, I have no lines.
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  #19  
Old 07-23-13, 11:01 AM
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Re: It is Getting very Bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by OnTheEdge View Post
I think that some women start treating the husband like one of the children and scolding him for small things like stuff left lying around etc. I do not respond well to this..
ADHD involves some inherent immaturity, like impulsivity in various ways, including spending money and handling one's emotions. It is common for an undiagnosed ADHD partner to take on the role of a child, relative to the non-ADHD partner. I know I did.

You are correct in that SHE needs to respond more appropriately, too. Your managing your ADHD will involve her cooperation. It will also involve your accountability for tasks you can do, and her ability to remind you of things as needed, in a way that does not put you in the role of a child, but is a simple reminder, from one adult to another.

If you search "marriage" in ADDF, you will find some good resources posted just in the past couple of months. Sorry I cannot remember them (I'm not married anymore).
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  #20  
Old 07-23-13, 11:52 AM
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Lightbulb Re: It is Getting very Bad

You are quite correct in that I do have my shortcomings. I am well aware of these and accept them and admit to them. You hit the nail on the head with emotions and money to name a couple. It is her ridgidness and self righteousness which irks me. I really have stopped trying since I am only willing to try if I have a response or reciprocation.

I think we have been together too long and I am drawing out to its inevitable conclusion once the children are of age.

I will see if I can find your recommended threads
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  #21  
Old 07-23-13, 01:13 PM
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Re: It is Getting very Bad

OntheEdge,

I have not been diagnosed, yet. However, I can tell you my husband told me sometimes he feels like a parent and I am the child..because he feels like he has to scold me for things I do not do "correctly" . From what I am reading and my husband has also been reading various post from the non ADD spouse/family support forum. It has given him some insight as to how to communicate with me. It would probably be a good idea for your wife to read different post on this forum and or couples counceling.
I do not know how old your children are but that can make for a miserable life "just waiting"
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  #22  
Old 07-23-13, 02:36 PM
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Re: It is Getting very Bad

@yukata - of course there are lots of other issues in the marriage, I think that some women start treating the husband like one of the children and scolding him for small things like stuff left lying around etc. I do not respond well to this. As far as couple's counseling goes she does not want to go. Why should she go, she firmly believes any issues between us are entirely me and accepts no responsibility at all.

You have not crossed any lines, I have no lines.[/quote]

I'm sorry to hear that she doesn't want to go to couple's counseling. It's no fun being in a relationship where you feel like you're being treated like child. Wish I had an answer.
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  #23  
Old 07-25-13, 09:51 AM
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Re: It is Getting very Bad

@DebiBW My kids are 11 and 13. There is not much fighting or tension in the house so it is not unbearable. We do a lot together as a family and I enjoy many aspects of it. It just feels like my wife is more a a mix between a roommate and mother rather than a wife , friend and lover.

I feel she betrayed my trust by not providing me what was promised in the marriage, hence I have no qualm about betraying hers. My children are very happy and trouble free at the moment, we both are very loving towards them. I think it is best for all to continue for now and sample on the side.

I have decided to go off men, I have experimented and seen what there is, it was exciting but I think the taboo excitement has worn off.
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  #24  
Old 07-26-13, 05:11 AM
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Re: It is Getting very Bad

unless your wedding vows included "do you take this man to love and to cherish, to have sex when he wants, in sickness and health to death do you part" i cant see how she betrayed you with breaking a promise.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OnTheEdge View Post
@DebiBW My kids are 11 and 13. There is not much fighting or tension in the house so it is not unbearable. We do a lot together as a family and I enjoy many aspects of it. It just feels like my wife is more a a mix between a roommate and mother rather than a wife , friend and lover.

I feel she betrayed my trust by not providing me what was promised in the marriage, hence I have no qualm about betraying hers. My children are very happy and trouble free at the moment, we both are very loving towards them. I think it is best for all to continue for now and sample on the side.

I have decided to go off men, I have experimented and seen what there is, it was exciting but I think the taboo excitement has worn off.
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  #25  
Old 07-29-13, 10:31 AM
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Exclamation Re: It is Getting very Bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
unless your wedding vows included "do you take this man to love and to cherish, to have sex when he wants, in sickness and health to death do you part" i cant see how she betrayed you with breaking a promise.
I have difficulty accepting or believing that statement which you made. Sex is a fundamental part of any marriage. Refusal to have sex is grounds for divorce.
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  #26  
Old 07-29-13, 11:33 AM
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Re: It is Getting very Bad

My feeling from reading this thread is that you need to go and get some talk therapy as well as exploring the ADD diagnosis and possible medication.

I suspect you will have to go through a period of significant change which will involve you discovering just who you are and assessing various belief systems you have, in order to find out whether beliefs you hold are valid, useful and fit with your own sense of personal morality. This will almost certainly involve you having some serious conversations with your partner and will change the nature of your relationships, even if your illicit activities remain concealed.

A diagnosis of a mental health condition shakes us to our very core, even though it provides an explanation of much that we have felt and observed in ourselves. Often one has to rebuild ones sense of who we are from the ground up and this process can be quite drawn out and traumatic.... hence the need for a good objective guide who can help us find ourselves.

In the 20th/21st century the psychotherapy professionals have taken over from the community's spiritual mentors as the guides of choice, mainly because of their acceptance of unconventional lifestyles as being possibly authentic ways for some of us to live.

If you are diagnosed with ADD you will be joining a group of people, many of whom live on the fringes of convention. It will help you immensely if you begin accept that you are unique and that some of the rules you have grown up with may not actually suit you as you find you are.

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  #27  
Old 07-29-13, 11:55 AM
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Lightbulb Re: It is Getting very Bad

@Kilted Thank you. Your reply oozes wisdom.

My belief system is my flavour of Existential Nihilism with a moral twist. I am unable to have a meaningful serious conversation with my partner. The connection we once had is severed and any non trivial conversation ultimately has negative consequences. This has a number of causes, my probable ADD among them. While I know my attitude is defeatist, surely there are circumstances when defeatism has its place, and this may be one.

I agree with you that a professional may be the only source of a moral compass in the void quagmire that society finds itself in today, but how many of the professionals in the business are truly the exceptional independent thinkers that it would take for me to respect them. I may get lucky but I am not optimistic.

We are all unique, except for me.
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Old 07-29-13, 11:59 AM
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Re: It is Getting very Bad

Sexual exploration has been seen after diagnosed with serious depression, though, It is not a problem, its the best of both worlds! but on a serious note I recommend you do not analyze yourself so much and quit being so critical. Other behaviors ? My experience with similar issues: My depression makes me pick up interests and rid them at some point in the future. (I do find it very amusing how my brain will drop preferred interests for something it thinks is more desirable). Anything can be used as a gain. But it also has made me break hearts when I lose interest in a human being. Real world my friend. You my friend are doing nothing wrong. Change is change. Adapt.
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  #29  
Old 07-29-13, 12:24 PM
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Re: It is Getting very Bad

It may be that you move through several therapists before finding one who you can trust.

I suspect you are looking for a much older therapist 70+ (who is therefore facing death and has possibly faced in their past), probably an existential one and probably one with a slightly shamanic/otherworldly edge who will be able to coax you into exploring the realms beyond logic that you are currently avoiding.

You may find Frankl's Logotherapy interesting (Man's Search for Meaning).... and Yalom's more accessible writing might also be a place to start though his more formal tome "Existential Psychotherapy" has much meat in it. These might give you insight into the nihilistic side of your personality and offer a way towards something a softer way of being with yourself and in the world.

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  #30  
Old 07-29-13, 01:23 PM
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Re: It is Getting very Bad

Thank you for the recommendations.
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