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  #16  
Old 02-23-16, 05:00 PM
dvdnvwls dvdnvwls is offline
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Re: Guidance on participation in Non-ADD Partner Support section?

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Originally Posted by Andi View Post
I have to echo N but will say that outside of source material there are the personal experiences provided in threads. "When this has happened to me this is how I felt and this is what would have helped."

We all have to understand that we are prone to mistakes and misunderstanding and I do acknowledge that as Adders there are impulse issues but the foundation of our guidelines and our moderating is to provide a safe and helpful support forum to all members. Does not mean that disagreements are unhealthy but an angry response and disposition can be. Many of us have been unsupported much of our lives; I would hope it is a mutual goal to be understood and support each other.
You know what? Some of those with a so-called "angry disposition" have been unsupported much of our lives too. Do we not deserve to "feel supported" just as much as everyone else?

I think it may be instructive to learn that I don't have an "angry disposition" at all, except when faced with the idiocy that sometimes passes for discussion of ADHD. People IRL find me docile, and sometimes over-sweet.
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  #17  
Old 02-24-16, 11:57 AM
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Re: Guidance on participation in Non-ADD Partner Support section?

It's unfortunate you felt that I meant you, Dvd. I honestly didn't even have you in mind when I responded. Although you have moments, I have generally found you helpful and supportive in several interactions or you make an attempt to be helpful. Heck, I believe I have thanked you many times or have left you rep points for your participation. If you feel as though you are a problem perhaps that's a conversation we can have off the main board.

I agree that yes, all people have the right to be supported but the underlying point here is that when we respond in kind to something that we find mean, insulting or asinine we cause more issues and an unhealthy environment. At some point someone has to take the high road and please note that I did say that we more than understand that impulse control is an issue for some members (note not pointing to you for this either); that's why we moderate how we moderate. We first give members a verbal warning, then a formal warning, before we give infractions and members have 5 infractions before their account is suspended. It's a process attempting to help members understand our guidelines, our mission and how they can work within our support community. I apologize if my post was confusing.

To get back to Sarah's question. Participation in Non-adders can be difficult because there are vents that we can identify with as being the unfortunate person on the receiving end of anyone's disappointment and anger. It's difficult to see people struggle since we can relate. Honestly it's a stretch but we can learn from their input and we can help provide guidance to even the most incensed person that not all people are intentionally being difficult and that if they perhaps change their approach and begin to understand their partner that their relationship may improve or they can make the decision to move on. I understand that the Non-ADD forum can be a bitter pill to swallow but it's unfortunately not the only place that we run into venting and find frustration on how people manage their relationships. So to say again...it's better to look at the situation and provide insight or explain how similar things made you feel and what you may have found helpful to you in order to improve a fellow person's life or to provide resources to help others learn and grow.
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  #18  
Old 02-25-16, 02:12 AM
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Re: Guidance on participation in Non-ADD Partner Support section?

I don't agree that responding in anger to a blatantly idiotic and prejudiced post ought to be classified as "responding in kind". It is simply acting in a reasonable and expected manner. I don't think it's reasonable or justified to require (or even to expect) people to respond to all things without anger on a discussion forum. Sometimes, anger is justified. Sometimes, non-anger is a mistake.
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  #19  
Old 02-25-16, 04:05 AM
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Re: Guidance on participation in Non-ADD Partner Support section?

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Originally Posted by dvdnvwls View Post
I don't agree that responding in anger to a blatantly idiotic and prejudiced post ought to be classified as "responding in kind". It is simply acting in a reasonable and expected manner. I don't think it's reasonable or justified to require (or even to expect) people to respond to all things without anger on a discussion forum. Sometimes, anger is justified. Sometimes, non-anger is a mistake.
I agree with you that anger is sometimes justified.

That said, responding to a poster's claims that ADHDers are "hot-headed" and "difficult to deal with" by calling the poster an idiot and insulting their character (as has sometimes been done) may not lead the poster (or future readers) to see things differently...

In my opinion and experience, it's useful to start with the assumption that most incorrect and even hurtful statements come from a place of ignorance or misunderstanding or difficulty rather than from genuine malice.

Just as we hope (demand?!) that non-ADD partners will be patient and understanding with us, and just as we recognize that appearances (outward behavior or speech vs. internal desires and intentions) can sometimes be deceiving, it would behoove us to extend the same courtesy to others. Just because someone doesn't have ADHD doesn't mean life or perspective or grokking ADHD (particularly where ideas of will are involved) or making accommodations is necessarily easy. Worthwhile, yes (in my opinion) -- easy, no.

If we can step back, take a breath, and channel our frustration and indignation and hurt and even anger into efforts to educate and advocate, I believe we'll do far more good than we would by berating and "mercilessly cutting down". (I understand well that there are times when our emotions get the better of us; however, I disagree that lashing out vindictively should be a goal or a source of pride.)

Last edited by namazu; 02-25-16 at 04:18 AM.. Reason: typos
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  #20  
Old 02-25-16, 04:28 AM
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Re: Guidance on participation in Non-ADD Partner Support section?

Feeling angry might be understandable in certain situations and the feeling might be justified but reacting in anger is very rarely useful. I can understand anger as an impulsive response that you struggle to suppress.

To cultivate it as a virtue is misguided. I can imagine abusers reasoning that way 'I had a right to be angry and punish/hurt/fight back against them. They deserved it. They were acting blatantly idiotic.'

A lot of non adhd ers get angry with us when we mess up and their anger might be justified but treating us disrespectfully or unleashing their anger on us never is. It might feel good but that's all. It's just an excuse for losing self control and treating others badly.
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