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Old 08-09-17, 02:48 PM
Cinque Cinque is offline
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Hi, this might be a long one...

Hello everybody.

I stumbled upon this forum the other day while searching for ADD related information. I like what I've read so far, so I thought I'd become a member as well.

First a little bit about myself (and apologies in advance for spelling and/or grammatical errors, english is not my first language). This might be a long one, don't go ahead unless you're really bored

I'm 45 years old, have a partner (since 6 years, not married) and two kids in the family. One 15 years old from partners previous marriage and a two years old that we have together.
I work in the IT sector, mostly system administration, user support, and day to day maintenance and development of our corporate IT environment. I've been working at my current workplace for 6 years now and mostly enjoy it.

Why am I here though? Well, about a year and a half ago I was having severe problems in my life. My partner was unhappy with me in several ways.
First of all, she's what I would call a doer. She runs her own business, she's very good at taking care of stuff right away, never forgets anything important and so on. She sets very high standards for herself. Problem is, she does that for the other members of the family as well. Enter me, the one who never manages to do things on time. Who waits with tasks until the last minute, or even later than that. Who forgets stuff two seconds after I heard them. You can imagine how well that goes with her

Her kid has similar problems. She was an over achiever when she was a kid, straight A grades. Her kid, not so much. Only does what's requested, if even that. School is boring, only interesting thing is playing on the computer. So again, you can imagine how well that goes.

Two years ago there were constant fighting and arguing between them. I'm not comfortable with conflicts, I try to avoid them. I also need a lot of peace and quiet in order to stay sane. I'd probably be labeled an introvert by todays standards. I stayed at work pretty late just to avoid all the fighting between my partner and her kid. I felt I could never relax at home.

My own mood got worse and worse. I started arguing with them myself, something I never do otherwise. Eventually it didn't take much to set me off. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I didn't like the person I was becoming.
Even at work my performance was lacking. My boss had talks with me since I didn't do my job properly.

To blow off some steam I took late night walks, just to get away from the rest of the family. One particularly bad evening, after yet another fight about the kids computer habits, I just walked without really paying attention to where I went. It was in the middle of the winter, a clear and very cold night. After a while, when I started to pay attention to my surroundings again, I saw that I had ended up at the edge of a farmers field, next to a railroad.

I stood there for a long while, over an hour I think, in my mind weighing pros and cons of stepping in front of a train. A couple of trains passed while I was standing there debating with myself. Eventually I decided that this wasn't the right way to go, not with my 8 months old child at home. So instead I decided that it was time to look for professional help.

The next day I looked up where I could get such help and sent a letter explaining my situation. To my surprise I got an appointment with a medical councelor the following week. She suggested that I was suffering from depression, and she was the first one that hinted at me perhaps having ADD and that the depression and perhaps several other aspects of my life were caused by this.

I started reading up on ADD and realised that this was it. Everything I read was spot on. My inability to take care of stuff. Short attention span except when it was something that I found interesting. In those cases I could spend hours with my nose in the books. Low grades in school because I didn't pay attention and had a hard time studying at home. I was always told I was a very bright kid, so the teachers couldn't understand why I had such low grades. This was back in the 80's, ADD wasn't on their radar. Especially if it wasn't ADHD, those kids got attention from the teachers but were considered to just be troublemakers back then.
All the way through my life I saw the signs clear as day.

At first they sent me to a CBT therapist. After ten sessions with her, we came to the conclusion that CBT didn't do much good for me. My problems were too severe.
I found a clinic in another town where they focused on ADHD and ADD, and was fortunate enough that they had a slot available for me. Where I live it's notoriously hard to get help from psychiatric care, some people have to wait for a year before getting proper help.

At first I had to take some medical tests, and also tests to determine if I was taking illegal drugs. I've never been a drug user so that was no problem. Next I got to see a neuropsychiatric therapist (not sure about the english name for this) and do a whole bunch of tests for various psychiatric 'variations'.

First of all I had what they called a moderate depression. The fact that I still attended work and could take care of myself from day to day kept me from getting the diagnose severe depression. Going back through the years, we could conclude that I've suffered from this for almost 15 years. Yay.

They also let me do the WAIS-IV test and told me my results were at the top percent of the index (IQ 140+). This I found very amusing since I've never really thought of myself as a very intelligent human being. But I got nowhere with my arguments, they didn't lower the score for me.

Instead they told me that my intellect was a problem when it came to my depression. I tend to analyse things too much. Always thinking about what could go wrong if I do this or that, if I choose one instead of the other. Never enjoying the moment, always trying to figure out what could go wrong next so I can be prepared for that. In short, I worry a lot. Not a very positive way to live life, don't you agree?

We agreed on treating my depression first, since my ADD couldn't be properly evaluated before the depression was taken care of. It took about 6 months with Cymbalta before we could start figuring out what to do with my ADD.

And that's pretty much where I stand today. I've tried Concerta for a while, combined with Medikinet to give me some extra energy boosts during the day. So far it's not as efficient as I'd like it to be. I get a bit more energy during the day, but my focus and concentration still suffers a lot.
My doctor lets me try out various levels of the medication at my own pace, to see what works and what doesn't. Once a month we meet and talk about my results and discuss what to try next.

On this forum I'm going to read about how other people manage to get better. How you pull through what sometimes seem like totally hopeless days. Be inspired. Hopefully one day I'll be able to live a normal life as well. Mostly for my little daughters sake.


Well, that was a long text. Told you. And there's plenty more I haven't written about but I feel that I'd like to get out of my system. Problems I've not been able to discuss with my friends and family. But I'll get back to that later.

Take care everybody.
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  #2  
Old 08-18-17, 11:21 PM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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Re: Hi, this might be a long one...

welcome to the forums!
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Old 08-19-17, 06:16 AM
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sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
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Re: Hi, this might be a long one...

Im not one for reading long intro posts but yours was written very well and interesting. Welcome to the dark side
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I've always been one of a kind. It just hasnt always been positive.
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