ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Non-ADD Partner Support
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-04-17, 07:17 PM
Manyquestions20 Manyquestions20 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: San Antonio,Tx
Posts: 4
Thanks: 9
Thanked 5 Times in 2 Posts
Manyquestions20 is on a distinguished road
VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

The longer I have been with my husband the more hate in my heart seems to grow for him. I am having a hard time with his hyperactivity because he gets bursts of energy and like to play fight. No matter how much I tell him to stop he will have me in a corner protecting myself. Of course he says his intentions are not to cause me harm but I do get hurt some times. If I defend myself (like a preppy girl that cannot fight back ) it increases his hyperactivity and he begins to play even more/harder. So I try my best to take his playful mood and sit still until he loses interest. I sometimes try to get him to chase the cats to protect myself from dealing with his playful advances ( Better them than me).

Also, I am having a hard time determining if he is just lazy blaming things on his disorder or if his disorder is actually so intense. I would ask him for help cleaning and he would tell me not at the moment even if he is not doing anything; I would begin cleaning and since were in a 1 bedroom apartment he will just watch me clean. I tried asking for an explanation on why he will not help me but when I ask and he would say I will not understand. Its getting so bad I am thinking about leaving because he shows me no attention unless he wants to tell me about a book he is reading ( He reads ALL day). Other than the book conversations and minimal small talk about work I try to keep busy because he says we will have time together when were older and settled. This is not a relationship.

Has anyone experienced this?
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Manyquestions20 For This Useful Post:
aeon (10-04-17), Greyhound1 (10-04-17), Little Missy (10-04-17)
  #2  
Old 10-04-17, 08:45 PM
Little Missy's Avatar
Little Missy Little Missy is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: BIG, Wonderful, Wyoming USA
Posts: 13,760
Thanks: 20,132
Thanked 18,893 Times in 10,057 Posts
Little Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond repute
Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

No, I have not. But if I did, I'd be ready to leave and when he least expects it, I'd be very, very far away and never look back.
__________________
The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you are uncool ~ Lester Bangs

And in the end, the love you take; is equal to the love you make...Beatles Abbey Road 1969
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Little Missy For This Useful Post:
aeon (10-04-17), Fuzzy12 (10-06-17), Manyquestions20 (10-04-17)
  #3  
Old 10-04-17, 09:15 PM
aeon's Avatar
aeon aeon is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Twin Cities, Minnesota
Posts: 7,039
Thanks: 21,049
Thanked 12,142 Times in 5,387 Posts
aeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond repute
Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

Does he actually have a diagnosis?

If so, is he medicated?

Regardless, is he ready to change his behavior based on your request, as part of his care, love, and concern for you?

Are you ready to put yourself first, honor your boundaries, and leave if and when the answer to the third question is no?

Please get ready to do that. You have a relationship...the problem is that it is not one of mutual agreement and respect. You do not have a partner, and he doesn’t treat you as one.

Don’t delay...because that hate you are feeling in your heart will ultimately destroy all that you are, all that you care for, and all that you dream and hope for.

Which is to say...get out before you wither and die inside.


Best to You,
Ian
__________________
@>~,~~'~ Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to aeon For This Useful Post:
Greyhound1 (10-04-17), Little Missy (10-04-17)
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 10-04-17, 09:31 PM
Little Missy's Avatar
Little Missy Little Missy is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: BIG, Wonderful, Wyoming USA
Posts: 13,760
Thanks: 20,132
Thanked 18,893 Times in 10,057 Posts
Little Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond repute
Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

Get those cats out of there too.
__________________
The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you are uncool ~ Lester Bangs

And in the end, the love you take; is equal to the love you make...Beatles Abbey Road 1969
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Little Missy For This Useful Post:
Greyhound1 (10-04-17)
  #5  
Old 10-04-17, 09:43 PM
Manyquestions20 Manyquestions20 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: San Antonio,Tx
Posts: 4
Thanks: 9
Thanked 5 Times in 2 Posts
Manyquestions20 is on a distinguished road
Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

He has been diagnosed every since he was a child. Currently he is taking 60mg of adderall and he doesnt take his medication as directed (breaks his meds and takes them like candy throughout the day). While we were dating he didnt tell me about his ADHD; I assume the hyper fixation and need for spontaneous adventure caught my attention. We have been married for 4 years ( 2 separations on my part) and the only reason I have stayed with him for so long is due to seeing steps of improvements. We have been through a lot in our marriage and it is hard for me to give up something that may improve when he is settled. I have been through hell with my husband ( Verbal Abuse and sometimes physical at the beginning of our marriage) but he has passed that stage in his life; showing he can improve with hard work.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Manyquestions20 For This Useful Post:
aeon (10-05-17), Greyhound1 (10-04-17)
  #6  
Old 10-04-17, 11:27 PM
Greyhound1's Avatar
Greyhound1 Greyhound1 is offline
Mind Racing Moderator
 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: Back in a warm and sunny place
Posts: 7,368
Thanks: 9,568
Thanked 12,692 Times in 6,113 Posts
Greyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

If your husband is serious about your relationship he needs to take his ADHD more serious. Doesn't sound like the Adderall is controlling his impulsiveness & hyperactivity very well. Has he sought other medications, and therapy before? Adding therapy and or adjusting his meds. along with a committed effort to treatment and change could really help him change how he acts.

He needs an ultimatum perhaps to get motivated. He needs to know that you are growing hatred for the way he is treating you. He will probably be shocked and find it hard to believe. It's just fun and games to him. How could you not like it he's probably thinking regardless of what you've said in the past.

He probably needs to be shocked a bit to get his attention. I hope things get better for you both.

Last edited by Greyhound1; 10-05-17 at 09:16 AM..
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Greyhound1 For This Useful Post:
aeon (10-05-17), Manyquestions20 (10-05-17)
  #7  
Old 10-05-17, 01:54 AM
CharlesH CharlesH is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 94
Thanks: 13
Thanked 31 Times in 25 Posts
CharlesH is a jewel in the roughCharlesH is a jewel in the roughCharlesH is a jewel in the rough
Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

First of all, his treatment team needs to know about this.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Manyquestions20 View Post
The longer I have been with my husband the more hate in my heart seems to grow for him.
I've felt strong anger towards my partner at times before, but never hatred. Make of that what you will.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Manyquestions20 View Post
I am having a hard time with his hyperactivity because he gets bursts of energy and like to play fight. No matter how much I tell him to stop he will have me in a corner protecting myself. Of course he says his intentions are not to cause me harm but I do get hurt some times. If I defend myself (like a preppy girl that cannot fight back ) it increases his hyperactivity and he begins to play even more/harder. So I try my best to take his playful mood and sit still until he loses interest. I sometimes try to get him to chase the cats to protect myself from dealing with his playful advances ( Better them than me).
Okay, this might sound weird, but I'm being serious. I think what he really needs/wants is to have bros whom he can roughhouse with. How do I know this? Because I've seen enough of these types of guys!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Manyquestions20 View Post
Also, I am having a hard time determining if he is just lazy blaming things on his disorder or if his disorder is actually so intense. I would ask him for help cleaning and he would tell me not at the moment even if he is not doing anything; I would begin cleaning and since were in a 1 bedroom apartment he will just watch me clean. I tried asking for an explanation on why he will not help me but when I ask and he would say I will not understand.
Have you considered the possibility that he has oppositional defiance disorder?
It's super common in ADHD individuals. Anxiety and depression are also common, and can lead to procrastination/avoidance and low energy.

For ADHD people, the worst thing you can do is to nag. It won't work, and will only make both sides resentful. Get his attention by gently putting your hand on him, make eye contact with him, and kindly ask him to help with the chores. If he's already willing to watch you do the chores, then maybe you can ask him to stand next to you while you do the chores. Gradually, he can progress to lending you a helping hand.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Manyquestions20 View Post
I tried asking for an explanation on why he will not help me but when I ask and he would say I will not understand. Its getting so bad I am thinking about leaving because he shows me no attention unless he wants to tell me about a book he is reading ( He reads ALL day). Other than the book conversations and minimal small talk about work I try to keep busy because he says we will have time together when were older and settled. This is not a relationship.

Has anyone experienced this?
To me, this is the most troubling part by far. If anything, ADHD people would be extra talkative. Perhaps he's autistic in addition to having ADHD? That might explain narrow interest in books and his apparent apathy towards socializing with you.

He needs to be willing to be open about his flaws, and you need to be someone who he can trust and be vulnerable to. I have no ability to judge who is at fault here, but clearly something isn't working. And yes, what you described is most certainly not currently a relationship, and I think you already know this deep down. I hope you and he can fix it, but I don't think anyone would be able to give you a definitive prediction. You can't control what life throws at you, but you are responsible for how you choose to react. I wish you the best!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to CharlesH For This Useful Post:
Manyquestions20 (10-05-17)
  #8  
Old 10-06-17, 04:08 AM
ScatterBrainX's Avatar
ScatterBrainX ScatterBrainX is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Denmark
Posts: 59
Thanks: 1
Thanked 69 Times in 34 Posts
ScatterBrainX is on a distinguished road
Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

I have ADHD.

It doesn't matter if something I do is caused by ADHD or not.
If my SO tells me something I do bothers him, we try to brainstorm ways for me to stop doing that, do something else or at least do it in a different way that doesn't bother him as uch.

Saying "it's my ADHD, you wouldn't understand" is a cop out, unless he tried reaching a compromise with you previously and you were unwilling to discuss it (which doesn't sound like the case here).

A counselor could help improve your communication in that regard, if you want to try one last thing. But he has to want to change, and it will still take some time, and I wouldn't blame you for not having any more patience left.

Also, poor cats...
__________________
I blog about ADHD, anxiety, psychology and mindfulness at http://scatterbrainblogs.com/
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to ScatterBrainX For This Useful Post:
aeon (10-06-17), Manyquestions20 (10-06-17), ToneTone (10-09-17)
  #9  
Old 10-06-17, 06:44 AM
Fuzzy12's Avatar
Fuzzy12 Fuzzy12 is online now
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 18,358
Blog Entries: 1
Thanks: 30,439
Thanked 27,416 Times in 12,709 Posts
Fuzzy12 has a reputation beyond reputeFuzzy12 has a reputation beyond reputeFuzzy12 has a reputation beyond reputeFuzzy12 has a reputation beyond reputeFuzzy12 has a reputation beyond reputeFuzzy12 has a reputation beyond reputeFuzzy12 has a reputation beyond reputeFuzzy12 has a reputation beyond reputeFuzzy12 has a reputation beyond reputeFuzzy12 has a reputation beyond reputeFuzzy12 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

Unless he wants to change and sees there is a problem
nothimg will change. It seems like he doesn't believe the play fighting is an issue and won't stop even when you've asked him to.that shows a total lack.of respect and is a big red flag. (It doesn't matter what his intentions are. He knows you don't like it)..especially considering that you said he used to be abusive.

In my experience nothing gets better with time alone. My symptoms are just getting worse every year.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Fuzzy12 For This Useful Post:
aeon (10-06-17), Manyquestions20 (10-08-17)
  #10  
Old 10-06-17, 06:52 AM
Fraser_0762's Avatar
Fraser_0762 Fraser_0762 is online now
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Somewhere in the clouds?
Posts: 4,486
Thanks: 3,305
Thanked 5,244 Times in 2,568 Posts
Fraser_0762 has a reputation beyond reputeFraser_0762 has a reputation beyond reputeFraser_0762 has a reputation beyond reputeFraser_0762 has a reputation beyond reputeFraser_0762 has a reputation beyond reputeFraser_0762 has a reputation beyond reputeFraser_0762 has a reputation beyond reputeFraser_0762 has a reputation beyond reputeFraser_0762 has a reputation beyond reputeFraser_0762 has a reputation beyond reputeFraser_0762 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

If he's physically hurting you, whether intentional or not, that's not ok. You need to be firm with him and tell him no. If he simply continues anyway, then you need to get away from him for your own sake.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Fraser_0762 For This Useful Post:
aeon (10-06-17), Luvmybully (10-10-17), Manyquestions20 (10-08-17), ToneTone (10-09-17)
  #11  
Old 10-07-17, 02:09 AM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Philadelphia, pa
Posts: 1,840
Thanks: 1,710
Thanked 2,281 Times in 1,077 Posts
ToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond repute
Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

Adult punching is pretty much never playful.

There is nothing more exhausting than going along with someone's inappropriate behavior, especially hitting. I've done versions of what you've done. You're spending all your energy not to hate him, not to scream.

Reminds me of all the times I let friends or various people say dumb stuff that insulted me ... and somehow I got into the habit of acting like what they were saying was funny. After a while, I'm spending energy deliberately fake-laughing at something that hurts me.

Anyway, ADHD has nothing to do with ...

Can you get to a therapist and game this out, come up with a strategy so you can stand up for yourself? Otherwise, you will hate him. The upside of this is that this is a great opportunity for you to find your voice and to really be your own friend and ally.

Work on this one--on telling him to stop!--and you will be making a breakthrough. Note: when you first stand up for yourself, he's gonna try to shame you. "I was just believing. I can't believe you ..." He's gonna pull that out on you. If you haven't been standing up for yourself, it will be easy to fall for that routine.

Practicing your lines with a therapist or with a really assertive friend can be enormously helpful.

Tone
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to ToneTone For This Useful Post:
Manyquestions20 (10-08-17)
  #12  
Old 10-07-17, 05:48 AM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 24,694
Thanks: 5,537
Thanked 28,922 Times in 13,087 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

There is no play fighting with adults. You need to exit that relationship with the cats. The only thing I can possible think of is to see if they have Krav Maga or other self defense type classes for him.
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?

I've always been one of a kind. It just hasnt always been positive.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to sarahsweets For This Useful Post:
Luvmybully (10-10-17), Manyquestions20 (10-08-17), ToneTone (10-09-17)
  #13  
Old 10-08-17, 07:39 AM
Manyquestions20 Manyquestions20 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: San Antonio,Tx
Posts: 4
Thanks: 9
Thanked 5 Times in 2 Posts
Manyquestions20 is on a distinguished road
Smile Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

Thank you everyone. All of your advice is very helpful. I think Im going to start with therapy and see how it goes.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 10-10-17, 08:48 PM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Philadelphia, pa
Posts: 1,840
Thanks: 1,710
Thanked 2,281 Times in 1,077 Posts
ToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond repute
Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

Much good luck!
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 10-10-17, 09:15 PM
Luvmybully's Avatar
Luvmybully Luvmybully is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Wingate, NC
Posts: 2,168
Thanks: 4,669
Thanked 4,190 Times in 1,558 Posts
Luvmybully has a reputation beyond reputeLuvmybully has a reputation beyond reputeLuvmybully has a reputation beyond reputeLuvmybully has a reputation beyond reputeLuvmybully has a reputation beyond reputeLuvmybully has a reputation beyond reputeLuvmybully has a reputation beyond reputeLuvmybully has a reputation beyond reputeLuvmybully has a reputation beyond reputeLuvmybully has a reputation beyond reputeLuvmybully has a reputation beyond repute
Re: VERY playful husband/ Lazy or Disorder

I second the Krav recommendation. Some guys just need a very physical outlet.

Hitting you, even in "play" is just not right. I hope the counseling helps you!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The curse of a bipolar disorder: Ecstacy & Despair Andi Bipolar 0 03-13-05 09:41 PM
A Multidimensional Model of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Andi Anxiety Disorders, OCD & PTSD 0 03-06-05 11:44 AM
Doctors fail to diagnose bipolar disorder in study Andi Bipolar 0 03-04-05 09:40 PM
The ADDA Guiding Principles for Coaching Individuals with Attention Deficit Disorder Tara Professional Coaching 8 10-06-04 07:31 PM
First study to show SEROQUEL may be effective in rapid-cycling bipolar disorder Andi Anti-Psychotics 0 09-25-04 12:44 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:56 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums