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  #1  
Old 05-23-17, 02:47 AM
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confused :(

Dear all,

I have had serious issues the last two weeks with my darling girlfriend. She has adhd, hypothyroidism and pcos.

From the beginning, I knew I was in for a wild ride. Had I known then what I know now, I probably would not have gotten involved. But here we are

We started a long distance relationship about 5 months ago. It was bliss. I have never felt as loved as I did by this woman. Every now and again, health issues would pop up, and we would not talk for a few days. Par for the course, it is a difficult life to lead dealing with hormonal issues.

It seems every time she would get her mind on something or to attend an event, I would go right out the window and then it is this thing she is focusing on, and nothing else. I initially thought she was cheating, but it was not the case. The first time, I was ignored for at least 5 days. After that, she came back stronger, more loving, more attentive, and more affectionate than ever before. telephonic conversations of 7 hours were not unheard of.

Every time she comes back from an ignore session, its like her love and affection doubles. Then we are fine for another couple of weeks. during these times, our relationship grows stronger (or so I thought).

Two weeks ago, I had to travel to a remote location for business, and was without signal for two days. When I came back, it was like a strange person. I don't recognize her at all.

This time, however, she is on a real mission. For the last two weeks, I get maybe a message once a day. I received one phone call two days ago. Much shorter than what we usually talk, about half an hour. The conversation was about what she is doing, and it was like she wasnt listening to me at all. It was all about her work. She tolerates no talk of the relationship, and just says "I am busy with important work". She really believes in this bullcrap mission of hers, actually. She ignores me, but is on facebook the whole time. Her posts are completely erratic, or induces a lot of fear. As of the last two days, she is starting to like my facebook posts again, and I am tagged all of a sudden in a lot of hers. But still, it feels so very distant and cold, but has improved slightly in the last few days.

I know that she is supposed to eat clean and take her medicine, but she has been consuming loads of gluten (creates havoc with hormones) and I suspect she has not taken any of her meds, or forgets periodically. She is making rash decisions without consulting me, and just goes on.

The thing is, I have never seen her off on a mission for this long, and I am starting to doubt if she even loves me, or if she even thinks of me anymore. How can she fall out of love in as little as two weeks?

Is this normal behavior for adhd sufferers?

Will she come back, or should I move on? I am giving her loads of time and space - I am really hoping she comes back.
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Old 05-23-17, 01:53 PM
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Re: confused :(

IMHO, and I am not a doctor - but this isn't "normal" for anyone.
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  #3  
Old 05-24-17, 05:00 AM
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Re: confused :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolf77 View Post
Every time she comes back from an ignore session, its like her love and affection doubles. Then we are fine for another couple of weeks. during these times, our relationship grows stronger (or so I thought).
When you say her affection doubles what do you mean? Can you give me some examples?

Quote:
This time, however, she is on a real mission. For the last two weeks, I get maybe a message once a day. I received one phone call two days ago. Much shorter than what we usually talk, about half an hour. The conversation was about what she is doing, and it was like she wasnt listening to me at all. It was all about her work
what kind of work does she do?

Quote:
She tolerates no talk of the relationship, and just says "I am busy with important work". She really believes in this bullcrap mission of hers, actually.
What is the mission and why do you think its crap? Is it possible that she feels so comfortable and stable in the relationship that she doesnt need to talk about it?What kinds of things do talk about when you say " no talk of the relationship?


Quote:
She ignores me, but is on facebook the whole time. Her posts are completely erratic, or induces a lot of fear.
Is adhd her only issues? Does she have anymore mental health issues?

Quote:
As of the last two days, she is starting to like my facebook posts again, and I am tagged all of a sudden in a lot of hers.
JMO, social media and relationships are dangerous territory, especially facebook. Think about it: You are basing your concerns about the relationship on "likes" when you can also "like" funny cat videos.


Quote:
I know that she is supposed to eat clean and take her medicine, but she has been consuming loads of gluten (creates havoc with hormones) and I suspect she has not taken any of her meds, or forgets periodically. She is making rash decisions without consulting me, and just goes on.p
Wait a minute... what is she supposed to consult you about? You arent married are you? Is she making decisons about things that directly involve you?
Suspecting someone is doing something isnt the same as them actually doing it. She may forget her meds, but that could just be an adhd thing.


Quote:
The thing is, I have never seen her off on a mission for this long, and I am starting to doubt if she even loves me, or if she even thinks of me anymore. How can she fall out of love in as little as two weeks?
What do you mean by mission? Is this the same thing you call bullcrap?
Do you understand adhd?Do you understand how much is your responsibility in the relationship?

Quote:
Is this normal behavior for adhd sufferers?

Will she come back, or should I move on? I am giving her loads of time and space - I am really hoping she comes back.
A LDR in general is extremly hard. For someone with adhd its REALLY hard because there is no face-to-face real life interactions. Trying to have a relationship when there isnt regular physical contact is hard without adhd.
Trying to have a relationship with an adhd person is hard enough, combine that with phone/text/online only ways of feeling of togetherness, its pretty amazing that people stay together even without adhd.

I am still curious about her mission. Does she know you think its crap?
Did you ever have an agreement or come up with expectations ahead of time that you both agreed to?

It sounds like what you want and what she wants are different. ADHD plays a huge role in this.
Things get lost in translation when there is no real contact. Its easy to misinterpret all kinds of interactions because you are basically guessing at what she means with a "like".

Regardless, you seem unhappy and have a right to make that known. Have you ever told her about your feelings? Has she ever said anything that lead you to think there were agreements on how often and freuently you talk?
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Old 05-25-17, 02:15 AM
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Re: confused :(

Lots of warning signs here...

Set some boundaries and stick to them.... ADHD or no ADHD.... it might be a case of you needing to *diffuse* the unstable time in the near term to see how much effort / change she is willing to make....

At the end of the day..... much comes down to how well you guys can revert back to clear and honest communication..... sincere compromise must be present without resentment to make long term amicability possible.
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Old 05-25-17, 02:52 AM
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Re: confused :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
When you say her affection doubles what do you mean? Can you give me some examples?

She will come back, and suddenly make more plans for us, where are we going to live, what are we going to do, is constantly on the phone with me via text and call to tell me how much she wants to be with me and how much she misses me and how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and take my last name.


what kind of work does she do?
she is in PR


What is the mission and why do you think its crap? Is it possible that she feels so comfortable and stable in the relationship that she doesnt need to talk about it?What kinds of things do talk about when you say " no talk of the relationship?
She is on this mission to save some people from certain evil, which conspiracy theorists are placing as a certain future event. I have thought of it that she is comfortable, and that it might be my insecurities.



Is adhd her only issues? Does she have anymore mental health issues?
She has hypothyroiditis (Hashimoto) and PCOS. Both are endocrine issues that are linked to extreme anxiety.


JMO, social media and relationships are dangerous territory, especially facebook. Think about it: You are basing your concerns about the relationship on "likes" when you can also "like" funny cat videos.
Agreed. It was just funny to notice that she wasnt active on my fb for a week, and all of a sudden starts liking my posts again.




Wait a minute... what is she supposed to consult you about? You arent married are you? Is she making decisons about things that directly involve you?
Suspecting someone is doing something isnt the same as them actually doing it. She may forget her meds, but that could just be an adhd thing. I can agree to this.



What do you mean by mission? Is this the same thing you call bullcrap?
Do you understand adhd?Do you understand how much is your responsibility in the relationship? It is the same as the bullcrap one. I am getting a serious crash course in adhd now, but could you please expound on my responsibility?


A LDR in general is extremly hard. For someone with adhd its REALLY hard because there is no face-to-face real life interactions. Trying to have a relationship when there isnt regular physical contact is hard without adhd.
Trying to have a relationship with an adhd person is hard enough, combine that with phone/text/online only ways of feeling of togetherness, its pretty amazing that people stay together even without adhd.

I am still curious about her mission. Does she know you think its crap? yes she does. I implored her not to get involved.
Did you ever have an agreement or come up with expectations ahead of time that you both agreed to? Yes. Everything was set for middle July.

It sounds like what you want and what she wants are different. ADHD plays a huge role in this. Could you please explain what you mean by "what we want is different?"
Things get lost in translation when there is no real contact. Its easy to misinterpret all kinds of interactions because you are basically guessing at what she means with a "like". I agree.

Regardless, you seem unhappy and have a right to make that known. Have you ever told her about your feelings? Has she ever said anything that lead you to think there were agreements on how often and freuently you talk?It was just extremely strange coming from spending 8 hours a day talking and a few more hours texting, to where there I am lucky to get a few messages a day, few phone calls, and there is no affectionate language anymore.
She will come back, and suddenly make more plans for us, where are we going to live, what are we going to do, is constantly on the phone with me via text and call to tell me how much she wants to be with me and how much she misses me and how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and take my last name.

she is in PR

She is on this mission to save some people from certain evil, which conspiracy theorists are placing as a certain future event. I have thought of it that she is comfortable, and that it might be my insecurities.

She has hypothyroiditis (Hashimoto) and PCOS. Both are endocrine issues that are linked to extreme anxiety.

Agreed. It was just funny to notice that she wasnt active on my fb for a week, and all of a sudden starts liking my posts again.

I can agree to this.

It is the same as the bullcrap one. I am getting a serious crash course in adhd now, but could you please expound on my responsibility?

yes she does. I implored her not to get involved.

Yes. Everything was set for middle July.

Could you please explain what you mean by "what we want is different?"

It was just extremely strange coming from spending 8 hours a day talking and a few more hours texting, to where there I am lucky to get a few messages a day, few phone calls, and there is no affectionate language anymore.
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Old 05-25-17, 06:53 AM
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Re: confused :(

Quote:
She is on this mission to save some people from certain evil, which conspiracy theorists are placing as a certain future event. I have thought of it that she is comfortable, and that it might be my insecurities.
This is concerning. Does she really believe this? Because it sounds a little paranoid and not quite part of reality.


Quote:
She has hypothyroiditis (Hashimoto) and PCOS. Both are endocrine issues that are linked to extreme anxiety.
Do you mean she has anxiety because of these issues or that anxiety caused these issues?

Quote:
It is the same as the bullcrap one. I am getting a serious crash course in adhd now, but could you please expound on my responsibility?
Its not so much your responsibility but learning about adhd and what you can do to cope with it as her partner is what I meant. Understanding how best to communicate with her, her ability to participate in the relationship and adjusting your expectations. When we have expectations, our loved ones usually do not meet them. Then we start feeling resentment and ignored. You cant change her, you can only change yourself.

Quote:
Could you please explain what you mean by "what we want is different?"
I meant that you both have different goals and expectations when it comes to your relationship- and like I said above, the expectations can really be difficult for anyone to live up to.

Quote:
It was just extremely strange coming from spending 8 hours a day talking and a few more hours texting, to where there I am lucky to get a few messages a day, few phone calls, and there is no affectionate language anymore.
I get this. You have a right to have your needs met but she cant meet them if you are not telling her what they are. ADHD people are not good reading between the lines and getting when someone infers something.
If she never changed, could you accept and live with it?
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Old 05-25-17, 10:09 AM
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Re: confused :(

When was the last time you saw her in person?
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Old 07-27-17, 12:45 AM
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Re: confused :(

You said if you had known in the beginning what you know, you wouldn't have gotten into this relationship - maybe that's a clue for you that it's time to end it and move on? It most likely isn't going to change much and yeah - a big red flag about saving people from an "evil event" imo
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Old 11-01-17, 11:28 AM
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Re: confused :(

i think everyone is different however what you describe with your girlfriend isvery similar to my own relationship. ive been with my partner 4 years and same thing when we were first together i was centre of attention 24/7, contant texts all day, 4/5 phone calls a day and then it stopped. Now he can go 4/5 days 'ignoring' me however if i havnt replied to his message he doesnt like it and sometimes pulls away. Also made a million times worse when he has any sort of stress in his life, however minimal it may be.so its possible that you being away has caused her to hyperfocus on the fact that she cant get in touch with you and therefore shes pulled away - intentionally or not to protect herself. its a hard situation but as a non adhd partner patience is everything. the more you push the more she will pull away. try sending her a nice text - even if you get noreply. i find wih my parter if he thinks hes in trouble with me or that im going to be angry with him hewill hide away from me until he knows its safe haha. just be happy be kind with you words an make her feel like its okay
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