ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Non-ADD Partner Support
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-06-17, 02:49 PM
emmy_1 emmy_1 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 3
Thanks: 8
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
emmy_1 is on a distinguished road
Hyperfocus

Hi all,

I assume many of you have experienced hyperfocus on yourself when starting the relationship �� I'm in a situation where the hyperfocus*has gone some time ago*but 8*months ago my husband started*hyperfocusing on a female colleague (e.g. Texting all the time, calls, helping her with everything, coaching, etc.). I don't believe that there is anything romantic but he is talking about and with*her and meeting her almost every day.

When I told him that I have the feeling "someone else is living with us" and that I'm very confused and upset about his behavior and he has no time left for "us" he was very angry. He tried to explain that she really needs his "help" in those situations and that I have to respect that. He explained that he wants be a "good person" who is helping others who need help. I told him that I'm not accusing him to help others but of the huge amount of time (every day!) he is spending with her. But he wasn't able to get this point and was defending his situation.

Have you experienced a similar situation and do you have any Tips how to deal with this situation and this behavior?

many thanks!!*

Last edited by peripatetic; 09-06-17 at 02:52 PM.. Reason: made paragraph breaks more distinct to ease reading; no other edits
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to emmy_1 For This Useful Post:
Farrarch (03-26-18)
  #2  
Old 09-06-17, 03:15 PM
Greyhound1's Avatar
Greyhound1 Greyhound1 is offline
Mind Racing Moderator
 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: S. Florida
Posts: 8,223
Thanks: 10,786
Thanked 13,989 Times in 6,708 Posts
Greyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Hyperfocus

Hyper focus is usually something we have little to no control over. Things which are extremely stimulating cause it for me.

The stimulation isn't necessarily from something we like or enjoy. A car crash or a train wreck could cause hyper focus for me.

The fact that your husband is hyper focusing so much on a female colleague and for such a long time is a big red flag for me. Hyper focusing on a female colleague seems more like an interest or desire especially when it's done for months.

I hope, I am wrong and wish you the best with mending your relationship.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Greyhound1 For This Useful Post:
Cat Noir (11-13-17), emmy_1 (09-06-17), peripatetic (09-06-17)
  #3  
Old 09-06-17, 03:31 PM
Kaia.S's Avatar
Kaia.S Kaia.S is offline
ADDvanced Member
 

Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Nederland
Posts: 129
Thanks: 408
Thanked 253 Times in 97 Posts
Kaia.S is a name known to allKaia.S is a name known to allKaia.S is a name known to allKaia.S is a name known to allKaia.S is a name known to allKaia.S is a name known to allKaia.S is a name known to all
Re: Hyperfocus

Give it another month or so, my 'hyperfocus' on a person usually fades within a year

I learned to communicate from my own vulnerability, so in stead of making any accusations, be open about how things make me feel, p.e in your case that you miss him? So that he doesn't feel he has to defend himself and hopefully can be more open to hear you (as another person who needs help), good luck!
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Kaia.S For This Useful Post:
Cat Noir (11-13-17), emmy_1 (09-06-17), ToneTone (09-11-17)
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 09-06-17, 03:36 PM
emmy_1 emmy_1 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 3
Thanks: 8
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
emmy_1 is on a distinguished road
Re: Hyperfocus

Hi Greyhound,
many thanks for your prompt answer! That's an interesting fact I didnt' know about Hyperfocus. I had the hope that his behavior and his extreme defense is explainable with ADHD but maybe this was wishful thinking ...
Thanks again!!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to emmy_1 For This Useful Post:
Greyhound1 (09-06-17)
  #5  
Old 09-06-17, 04:28 PM
Greyhound1's Avatar
Greyhound1 Greyhound1 is offline
Mind Racing Moderator
 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: S. Florida
Posts: 8,223
Thanks: 10,786
Thanked 13,989 Times in 6,708 Posts
Greyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond reputeGreyhound1 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Hyperfocus

Quote:
Originally Posted by emmy_1 View Post
Hi Greyhound,
many thanks for your prompt answer! That's an interesting fact I didnt' know about Hyperfocus. I had the hope that his behavior and his extreme defense is explainable with ADHD but maybe this was wishful thinking ...
Thanks again!!
You are quite welcome. Just the fact you joined here to try and understand your husband's behavior and issues is very commendable. He's lucky to have you care enough to not just get jealous, angry and being done with him.

I hope you can have an open, honest and real conversation with him about this. I think that could really help. Discussing your concerns about hyper focus vs. infactuation vs. obsession regarding this colleague may be necessary.

Good luck with it!
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Greyhound1 For This Useful Post:
emmy_1 (09-11-17), Kaia.S (09-06-17), Lunacie (09-06-17)
  #6  
Old 09-07-17, 04:38 AM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 26,518
Thanks: 5,628
Thanked 30,861 Times in 14,138 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Hyperfocus

Huge red flag. In my experience the hyperfocus doesnt revolve around a person, per se. You have every right to want him to tune in to your married life and not have him be a knight n shining armor to another woman. He may not be cheating physically but emotionally he is.
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sarahsweets For This Useful Post:
dopaminerush (09-08-17), emmy_1 (09-11-17)
  #7  
Old 09-07-17, 06:40 PM
TheGreatKing's Avatar
TheGreatKing TheGreatKing is offline
ADDvanced Contributor
 

Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: vancouver bc canada
Posts: 585
Thanks: 285
Thanked 612 Times in 323 Posts
TheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to behold
Re: Hyperfocus

hmm................. I never hyper focused on people before, didn't now you could, well actually when my father comes and visit we zone out everyone and just talk for hours. is that count? maybe ask to be included in helping out this individual, tag along you know, be part of the experience with him. I am not saying spy on him lol but see what the fuss is about and this female person actually needs that much help.
__________________
It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live ~ Marcus Aurelius
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to TheGreatKing For This Useful Post:
emmy_1 (09-11-17)
  #8  
Old 09-08-17, 03:05 PM
dopaminerush dopaminerush is offline
Jr Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Turkey
Posts: 22
Thanks: 30
Thanked 5 Times in 3 Posts
dopaminerush is on a distinguished road
Re: Hyperfocus

Do it kindly. (stop it)
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to dopaminerush For This Useful Post:
emmy_1 (09-11-17)
  #9  
Old 09-09-17, 03:15 PM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Philadelphia, pa
Posts: 1,995
Thanks: 1,893
Thanked 2,511 Times in 1,177 Posts
ToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond reputeToneTone has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Hyperfocus

I've been in your partner's position ... inquiring about my ADHD would not have been helpful. I needed my partner at the time to scream NO! ... which she did. I backed off.

At the time I would have said that my then-partner was overly jealous. Now I realize jealousy has its place! ... The fact was ... I was on the road towards getting romantically involved with this other person ... even though I would have denied it. I don't know if it was my ADHD that blocked my awareness ... or just my immaturity or lack of social skill and lack of self-awareness--probably a combination of all of these.

As others have said, this is a huge red flag ... and your wondering whether ADHD is involved--instead of simply screaming NO! ... is a red flag as well that you can do a better job standing up for yourself.

If your jealousy alarms are going off ... pay attention. Scream. Yell. Don't sit by in silence. It's his job to figure out the how and why ... on how to change his behavior. Not your job. Your job as partner is to make loud and clear how unnerved and scared and uncomfortable you are.

Tone
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to ToneTone For This Useful Post:
DeClutter (03-26-18), emmy_1 (09-11-17), TheGreatKing (09-09-17)
  #10  
Old 09-10-17, 06:16 PM
TheGreatKing's Avatar
TheGreatKing TheGreatKing is offline
ADDvanced Contributor
 

Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: vancouver bc canada
Posts: 585
Thanks: 285
Thanked 612 Times in 323 Posts
TheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to beholdTheGreatKing is a splendid one to behold
Re: Hyperfocus

Sometimes you have to do what you don't like to get to where you want to be.
__________________
It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live ~ Marcus Aurelius
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to TheGreatKing For This Useful Post:
emmy_1 (09-11-17)
  #11  
Old 09-11-17, 02:06 PM
emmy_1 emmy_1 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 3
Thanks: 8
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
emmy_1 is on a distinguished road
Re: Hyperfocus

Thank you all so much for your feedback and understanding! You can not believe how it feels to not be alone in such a situation like this. In general I try to not show that I'm jealous because this is a topic my husband and I always end up in huge fights. He always argues that with being jealous I'm accusing him indirectly of cheating which he would never do (so he says...)) and that I have to accept that he is someone supporting people that need help. I'm really hesitating to bring up this topic as I'm afraid of this outcome. But I totally get you and I'm afraid I need to stand up for myself although this may be hard. @Tonetone: especially your post was really inspirational for me!
Thank you all so much!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to emmy_1 For This Useful Post:
ToneTone (04-06-18)
  #12  
Old 09-12-17, 04:47 AM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 26,518
Thanks: 5,628
Thanked 30,861 Times in 14,138 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Hyperfocus

Whenever you are partnered with someone its not cool to use someone else for heavy emotional support..
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to sarahsweets For This Useful Post:
Cat Noir (11-13-17)
  #13  
Old 09-12-17, 10:35 AM
kilted_scotsman kilted_scotsman is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Scotland
Posts: 4,009
Thanks: 91
Thanked 6,016 Times in 2,490 Posts
kilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Hyperfocus

From what you say it would seem that your partner doesn't understand his ADHD.

If he is unaware fo how his ADHD affects him, his behaviour will inevitably hurt those around him, and probably exacerbate his symptoms.

The person with ADHD needs to lead and put the effort into understanding how their ADHD affects them and the people around them.

The partner is there for SUPPORT, not to be the lead on learning about and looking for coping strategies.

I recognise the behaviour you describe.....and it caused untold hurt for the people I love. I was right in that "Rescuer" thing in the "Drama Triangle" along with a kind of hyperfocus on (usually damaged) women who played the "victim" game.

In short BIG RED FLAGS.

The solution is about HIM recognising this behaviour is unhealthy....working out what is driving it..... (there's probably something in his family dynamic) and then working out how to neutralise it.

this may involve NOT rescuing/helping people...... and feeling the almost irresistible pull towards doing so (which is not pleasant to experience... think addict withdrawal).... the behaviour is likely to be a deep seated way of getting relational contact with others..... effectively "buying" it.

The thing you can be curious about is...... how did YOU end up in this relationship, did you give out signals of "needing" someone, did your relationship start with him helping you a lot, or are you an independent/take it or leave it type.

This type of behaviour is deep seated in ADDERs and almost impossible to shift unless the ADDER recognises its unhealthy aspects and digs down into the pain and loneliness that's driving it. Most of us are outcasts.... even though we can over it with other behaviours.... be it the clown, the life & soul, or the helper/rescuer. THese behaviours insulate us from the loneliness of living with ADHD.... but unfortunately they are counter-productive when we get into a more intimate relationship.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kilted_scotsman For This Useful Post:
Cat Noir (11-13-17), sarahsweets (09-14-17)
  #14  
Old 09-19-17, 02:06 AM
ScatterBrainX's Avatar
ScatterBrainX ScatterBrainX is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Denmark
Posts: 59
Thanks: 1
Thanked 76 Times in 35 Posts
ScatterBrainX will become famous soon enough
Re: Hyperfocus

You're definitely in the right.

Assuming he's really just helping out a coworker in need and there's nothing else going on, I can sort of see where he's coming from (although he's still in the wrong).

I had a similar defensive reaction with my SO a while ago. I was working from home and struggling with procrastination and getting started, and often ended up working late at night and weekends in a panic to finish my projects. My SO voiced his disappointment that I procrastinate so much and as a result we never get to spend time together. I felt guilty, and then angry: "damnit, I'm trying my best to make rent here, and you're upset with me for that?". Eventually I understood I was in the wrong, and have been keeping a much better schedule since.

See if you can approach it something like this: "I know you're a good person, it's part of why I love you so much, and I see how much you want to help your coworker. I'm not frustrated with you because of that. But don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. It's good to help others, but if you sacrifice your own life to help them, soon you'll burn out and be unable to do so. Help her, but set some limits to it, she needs to learn to help herself too, if you're always there, she'll always rely on you and never become the strong, independent adult she can be. Take some time for yourself too, and for us, because I miss spending time with you. I know you love me too and want it too, even if her situation feels more urgent in the moment."

If he reacts negatively to that too, maybe there is more going on. But it's worth trying, before giving up on him.
__________________
I blog about ADHD, anxiety, psychology and mindfulness at http://scatterbrainblogs.com/
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to ScatterBrainX For This Useful Post:
Cat Noir (11-13-17), TheGreatKing (09-19-17)
  #15  
Old 11-01-17, 11:59 AM
Letcrook81 Letcrook81 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Britain
Posts: 6
Thanks: 0
Thanked 4 Times in 3 Posts
Letcrook81 is on a distinguished road
Re: Hyperfocus

this is a really hard one...
its horrible to be in your situation as i find the more i push on things my partnert doesnt agree with the more he does it. im lucky that he is a good man but we have been in situations with 2 of his female friends that clearly wanted more from him and he was blind to it - shes nice, shes not like that, shes just my friend, im helping her, she confides in me, shes having a hard time etc. 2 seperate occasions 2 different friends. turns out im always right - they came on to him they are no longer friends. its so hard because he doesnt see it until its right there in his face and he wont be told either.

sit down with your partner and say to him - i love you, and i trust you and i love that you are trying so hard to make someone elses life easier however i do not trust her intentions at all (if thats the case) so he doesnt feel attacked. You are with me not her and i feel like i have to fight for your attention and its me that needs attention as i feel unimportant and unloved by you at the moment
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Letcrook81 For This Useful Post:
Cat Noir (11-13-17), Lunacie (11-01-17)
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
ADHD, Vyvanse, Hyperfocus and Hypnosis - Long Post SudburyDude General ADD Talk 14 10-28-17 02:01 AM
Hyperfocus brain cycling - Stuck in 5th gear Julius Caesar General ADD Talk 1 02-12-14 05:10 PM
In my opinion...hyperfocus is not positive and does it even exist? sarahsweets General ADD Talk 80 02-06-14 01:12 AM
hyperfocus as a superpower musicpainter Inattentive ADD 27 02-07-13 06:48 AM
How do you feel when coming down from hyperfocus - adult ADD daisyo75 General ADD Talk 20 01-21-12 10:31 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:29 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums