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  #1  
Old 10-30-17, 08:58 PM
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Depression stole my mom

Sorry this is long.

I was 16 when I first learnt about depression. It hit my mom like a brick.

Till then I remember her as someone full of life. She was bright, intellectual and idealistic. Independent. Incredibly efficient.Incredibly hard working. Interested in everything. Most of all us...Her kids but everything else as well. Work, friends, history, philosophy, art, music. She was a good person. A nice person. Helpful and caring.

Then the depression hit. Depression and anxiety. For my mom they always go together. She stopped functioning. She had to quit her job. She was bed ridden. She'd cook for us and then go back to bed. She had a psychiatrist and took anti depressants but they didn't help.

Then we moved and she got better again. She was back to normal. Her old bright and efficient self. We had so much fun discovering the new place and our new life. I had tons of friends back then but with no one did I have as much fun as with my mom. We laughed so much.

Then the depression returned. I don't remember when or what triggered it but it returned.from then on it kept returning. Sometimes for a few months, sometimes 6 months, sometimes for most of the year.

My mom's depression was always severe. She would sleep most of the time. Or stare into space.in the night I could hear her talk to.my dad with this fear stricken panicky voice. Anxiety. What I remember most though usher eyes. When she was depressed they were never fully open. Only half open as if she didn't have the energy or motivation to open them fully.

She still cooked for me but apart from that she just slept.I used to try to cheer her up with stories from My life. I'd tell her about my friends and my crushes.things I'd never share normally but I thought it might cheer her up.she tried to listen with half open eyes but I don't know how much reached her.

Sometimes I got so upset seeing her that I'd break down and cry. She let me come close and hug her but she never asked why. I assumed back then she knew why but now I suspect she didn't want to know. She couldn't deal with anything.

My dad managed everything even in his absence. I didn't have much to do. She wasn't able to leave the house on her own so I chauffeured her around. That's the only thing I did.

She saw a lot of psychiatrist and some quacks. Most of them were *******s. She lost faith in them and only continued going to her go who prescribed her anti depressants.

The periods of depression got longer and longer. And then something new started happening. She started having episodes of hypomania and sometimes mania. Her gp said that the tricyclic anti depressants she was taking triggered them but I still suspect she is bipolar. In these episodes she was hyperactive, talked and worked non stop, was fairly aggressive and belligerent which is totally uncharacteristic for her. Anyway she refuses to acknowledge them and everyone else was just happy that she wasn't depressed.

This has been going on for 22 years now. Most of the time she is depressed and anxious. The periods of euthemia are shorter and the hypomsnicepisodes are becoming rarer and shorter again.

The saddest thing is that Something has changed her. beyond her mood. Permanently. Even when She isn't depressed. She is so negative. She has lost interest in everything. She has become incredibly self centred and selfish. She won't do anything for anyone anymore except for her kids. She isn't nasty and she is pleasant enough to most people but she isn't a nice person anymore. Except for her kids and maybe her siblings she doesn't care got anyone or can't see anything good on anyone. I can't explain it but it's crazy. She even refuses to tip now. She's always seeing how we (her kids) can get the most out of other people. She thinks I'm too good (I'm not) and keeps trying to convince me to be dishonest and selfish and exploiting. It's impossible to have a conversation with her. Maybe it's adhd or maybe it's the anxiety but just nothing seems to enter her head. Only small talk. Sometimes I'm worried about dementia.

I don't know If it's because off all the horrible and difficult things she has experienced or her bad marriage or if it's the anti depressants or the depression. Maybe it's age. Maybe that's just the person She had become now.

I hate to.say it but A lot of the time I don't like my mom anymore. She used to be brilliant but now She's nothing like she used to be. I miss the person She used to be In her good times or before the depression hit. I love my mom. I hate what the depression has done to her. I hate what it is doing to her right now. I know she wont change back. She's not that person anymore.
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Old 10-31-17, 08:16 PM
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Re: Depression stole my mom

I’m sorry. While reading your post, I can feel how you truly love your mom. You care for her so much. It reminded me also of my mom.

Having a sick family member is hard, I hope you will not give up. I hope you will not get tired of taking care of your mom, continue what you’re doing by showing her your love. This depression is temporary, she will get better and stronger.
Since you really care for your mom, taking care of yourself is also a priority. I found this article, "Managing Stress While Caregiving", that might help you.

I hope your mom will get better soon and things will be alright. I will be praying for your family. You will get through it, Hugs! Please update us, thank you for sharing.

Last edited by namazu; 10-31-17 at 11:20 PM.. Reason: Links to religious or commercial websites aren't allowed.
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Old 11-01-17, 03:20 AM
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Re: Depression stole my mom

Fuzzy, it saddens me to read this.
And much resonates with me, I would not say that depression stole my moyher's life, but that " it held her hostage for periods of her life".

My mom was hoapitalized for depression twice, but it was when I was a baby and then again in 1995 after surgery ( i was already living here).and im sure, she had episodes all her life. When look back at my young childhood I remember much silence. as you say I was always fed. she would never stay in bed but I remember whole days of silence. also bright times though, of her being incredibly goofy and stopping housework to play a kids card game with me.

after that surgery she was on antidepressants. and much better always, and they worked.
at some point she stopped taking them and fell back slowly into a lethargic depression until her GP saw this and she was back on prozac for the rest of her life.
strangely she never got any counseling, ever and really that was wrong.

I learned this summer my cousin at one point, when she was in high school,took care of my aunt, as you did for your mom.

was there some trauma in her life, when she was young?
My mom and aunt were deeply affected by the loss of my grandmother ( mom was 13 ).

its very sad that your mom didn.'t get the right treatment somehow, anyway all of this to say,I understand and
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Old 11-01-17, 03:13 PM
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Re: Depression stole my mom

Many hugs for you Fuzzy
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