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  #61  
Old 11-10-17, 12:17 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

That’s what I love about my sweetie...she’s cute as a bug’s ear, and she loves Keats.


Cheers,
Ian
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  #62  
Old 11-10-17, 02:06 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

He's not showing up anymore under blocked users and it looks like he deleted his account? It's just gone. Weird. Oh well, good riddance.
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  #63  
Old 11-10-17, 09:58 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Now that my emotional tirade is over and I've calmed down, I think I have learned some lessons. I've learned not to make excuses for things that violate my boundaries, just because I like a thing or two about that person, things that might not even be true!

I've learned that if I find myself trying to make excuses for words/actions that are unacceptable to me and make me uncomfortable, such as saying, "maybe they're just awkward", that I'm violating my own boundaries and being codependent.

I've learned that accommodating a person's awkwardness (if that is even their situation) should not be placed above protecting my own boundaries.

I've learned that maybe asking, "What's normal?" is less important than asking, "Does it make me uncomfortable"? Because in the end, what does it matter if it's normal, if it makes me uncomfortable? If things are going well, I should feel comfortable and safe talking to that person.
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  #64  
Old 11-11-17, 07:13 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

That is excellent, Owly!! It should be required reading for anyone who dates!
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  #65  
Old 11-11-17, 01:43 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Also, I found out you can change your settings so people can only send you a message if it's a certain amount of characters.

I'm sorry if I'm being annoying, but I have to ask something else. I have only received two messages since I changed my settings, both of which I am debating responding to. Neither person has kids, but both say they want kids. My low self esteem starts causing me to ask myself, "What if you start talking, hit it off, start dating and then they finally meet your kids and it's too much for them?" I mean, going from no kids to 4 is a huge change! I know that may be thinking too far ahead, but this really bothers me. I just don't want to waste their time or mine. And I also think, "Why do they even want to talk to me? Are they that desperate?" This prevents me from messaging anyone else, either, even if their profile says they have kids. I just think I have too much crazy for anyone to handle and I feel worthless. How do I get past this?

Last edited by WhiteOwl; 11-11-17 at 01:55 PM..
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  #66  
Old 11-11-17, 02:03 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

You definitely want to mention kids as soon as possible ... if you are meeting via an online site, list your four kids in the profile.

You want to screen out the folks who can't "handle" four kids so that you don't go on dates sorta apologizing and feeling in fear of that information coming out. Holding back that info will only sap your confidence as you date.

I'm not sure how old you are, but most middle-aged people understand that a lot of the people they may want to date will have children.

Remind yourself of all the cool qualities you have ... and anchor yourself in those ... and remind yourself of all the gifts you will be bringing to a relationship. I sense you have a lot to give people.

What helps me is to remember: you are not auditioning for someone else. You are trying to find someone who fits with you and your life and your agenda. You are not trying to prove yourself and your worth. Rather, you're screening for a good fit.

And forget about protecting them! ... That's the codependent thing. Focus on protecting and advocating and seeking the best for you!

Tone
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  #67  
Old 11-11-17, 02:30 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by ToneTone View Post
You definitely want to mention kids as soon as possible ... if you are meeting via an online site, list your four kids in the profile.

You want to screen out the folks who can't "handle" four kids so that you don't go on dates sorta apologizing and feeling in fear of that information coming out. Holding back that info will only sap your confidence as you date.

I'm not sure how old you are, but most middle-aged people understand that a lot of the people they may want to date will have children.

Remind yourself of all the cool qualities you have ... and anchor yourself in those ... and remind yourself of all the gifts you will be bringing to a relationship. I sense you have a lot to give people.

What helps me is to remember: you are not auditioning for someone else. You are trying to find someone who fits with you and your life and your agenda. You are not trying to prove yourself and your worth. Rather, you're screening for a good fit.

And forget about protecting them! ... That's the codependent thing. Focus on protecting and advocating and seeking the best for you!

Tone
Thank you so much, this really helps!

It says in my profile that I have 4 kids and I have a couple pictures of them posted, as well. I'm 33 and these people are about the same age, give or take a couple years.
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Old 11-11-17, 08:29 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Wow...such assumptions!


Quote:
Don't look for "high quality guys" who have all those fancy stats. It's funny how the one thing you said you would not do, how you said before "how can folks be so shallow" appears to almost be in line with what you are doing, unless I judge too quickly. (It's a real possibility, I may be off here, admittedly)
The OP did not go out looking for a "high quality guy" (what is that anyway) the guy that messaged her said he traveled and made money but thats not something she found out right off the bat.
Quote:
But some guy who says he makes a lot of money and travels a lot and this and that. That's exactly the same thing I said was wrong about these sites to begin with. You have one guy out of 100 or so who's like this and that's the same kind of guy hoarding all the attention from others.
That seems to be your experience and your agenda. That doesnt make it a fact. And it paints women with the same old familiar brush as materialistic little darlings who want to be kept women.

Quote:
I suggested before you look at the more modest guys, not saying they are all going to be just as nice as they look (some are, some aren't) but these guys are definitely not looking for another mistress or three on the side. That's the paradigm that ruins online dating for everyone. And most of these modest guys are probably not making up too much stuff or lying egregiously, they actually have a sense of guilt.
You are not a woman and you dont know what its like. We are always prey. Even when we are in control a predator will see us as prey. These types of "modest" guys would love to have multiple girlfriends or mistresses because its not about being modest, its about being a predator.
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  #69  
Old 11-11-17, 09:48 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

OMG, I'm FREAKING OUT right now!!! This creep created another account and just sent me a message. I got immediately suspicious because of his wording and when I looked at his profile, he changed his picture to one where he's wearing sunglasses, but has the same name and ALL the same specifications. Business owner, similar username, same age, same height. Every single thing is the same! Why am I being stalked by this guy???!!! I'm scared! And to think, he almost had my phone number!
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Old 11-11-17, 09:55 PM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

I blocked him and reported him to the site, but my skin is just crawling. Literally the first person I talk to after creating my account and they start stalking me?! I know I have bad luck, but this is beyond ridiculous! I've never heard of this!
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  #71  
Old 11-12-17, 01:50 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
You are not a woman and you dont know what its like. We are always prey. Even when we are in control a predator will see us as prey. These types of "modest" guys would love to have multiple girlfriends or mistresses because its not about being modest, its about being a predator.
Yes, I admit making too many assumptions.

It depends on your definition of modest, I guess. I based mine on some arbitrary descriptions which I thought described a "good" kind of modesty but in the end I probably don't know what I'm talking about.

All I can say for sure is, I know there is no way *I* could manipulate someone into something or use egregious lies to get whatever it is I'm looking for. These things are not in my capacity, and my understanding of many (perhaps not all) other socially awkward guys is that there IS a lot of affective empathy, even if there is sometimes a lot of frustration. That's what I was trying to get across in maybe a very ham-fisted way.

Perhaps these predators you're talking about could look or act modest. I don't see an "awkward" or "socially clueless" guy being like that but maybe such a thing does exist. Although that's not my impression of these types from what I've seen and personal experience. Sorry if I overreached.
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Old 11-12-17, 02:03 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

From this guys' picture, he looks very down to earth, just an average person. I don't know if he necessarily looks socially awkward or clueless, but what I thought was just awkwardness in his messages, I now realize it was something else. I actually don't think he's awkward or clueless. I think he's nothing short of a psychopath and I feel bad for his kids, if he really does have kids. I feel bad for any woman he's ever been with or ever will be with (shudder). No, he's not "modest" or "awkward", he's crazy. Anyone who takes the time to create multiple accounts to harass a single mother that has enough problems to deal with, is either crazy or a jerk, or just a crazy jerk. I know you're not capable of that type of stuff, Batman, and I agree with your assessment of other socially awkward guys.

I also got a few semi-harassing messages from another guy and blocked him. I just don't get it? What did I do?

Last edited by WhiteOwl; 11-12-17 at 02:24 AM..
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Old 11-12-17, 06:34 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Awkward and clueless guys can be just as predatory as anyone else. They just might be less cunning about it.

Just to be clear, I speak from experience.
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Old 11-12-17, 06:49 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

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Yes, I admit making too many assumptions.

It depends on your definition of modest, I guess. I based mine on some arbitrary descriptions which I thought described a "good" kind of modesty but in the end I probably don't know what I'm talking about.

All I can say for sure is, I know there is no way *I* could manipulate someone into something or use egregious lies to get whatever it is I'm looking for. These things are not in my capacity, and my understanding of many (perhaps not all) other socially awkward guys is that there IS a lot of affective empathy, even if there is sometimes a lot of frustration. That's what I was trying to get across in maybe a very ham-fisted way.

Perhaps these predators you're talking about could look or act modest. I don't see an "awkward" or "socially clueless" guy being like that but maybe such a thing does exist. Although that's not my impression of these types from what I've seen and personal experience. Sorry if I overreached.
"modest, socially awkward" guys are just as likely to be predators if they are bitter and resentful.
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Old 11-12-17, 09:13 AM
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Re: I'm so triggered by everything

Like Fortune and sarahsweets already pointed out, it doesn't matter whether he's socially awkward and clueless or not, the end result is the same; he is putting his own wants before her needs and personal feelings of security. This just got a lot more serious now.

You did absolutely nothing wrong, WO, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this! You were being a decent human being and he took advantage of that. You did the right thing by blocking him immediately again and reporting him to the site. I'm so glad you didn't give him your number yet! Also, I hope you won't need this and I am certainly no lawyer but I have friends in Texas and happen to know that you have pretty decent cyber stalking laws. You might want to take a look at them. The ones you might be particularly interested in are:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas Penal Code, Sec. 42.07. HARASSMENT.
(a) A person commits an offense if, with intent to harass, annoy, alarm, abuse, torment, or embarrass another, he:

(1) initiates communication by telephone, in writing, or by electronic communication and in the course of the communication makes a comment, request, suggestion, or proposal that is obscene;

(4) causes the telephone of another to ring repeatedly or makes repeated telephone communications anonymously or in a manner reasonably likely to harass, annoy, alarm, abuse, torment, embarrass, or offend another;

(5) makes a telephone call and intentionally fails to hang up or disengage the connection;

(7) sends repeated electronic communications in a manner reasonably likely to harass, annoy, alarm, abuse, torment, embarrass, or offend another.

(c) An offense under this section is a Class B misdemeanor, except that the offense is a Class A misdemeanor if the actor has previously been convicted under this section.
If he keeps this up after you have stated that you don't want to talk to him his actions already fall under § 42.07 a (7). Note that both Class B and Class A misdemeanors carry potential jail sentences (up to 180 days for Class B and a year for Class A). In my very non-lawyery opinion jail time is unlikely to happen at first, but at least the potential for it might scare him off. Blocking him once was a pretty clear signal that you want no further contact with him if you ask me, blocking him again certainly has to be. Again, however, keep in mind that I'm not a lawyer in Finland let alone in Texas.

If he contacts you again you could just tell him that what he is doing is considered to be cyber harassment and you will get the law involved if he doesn't knock it off, then block and report again. It will hopefully dissuade him from harassing you (and maybe even someone else) again. If fear of bodily harm or fear of damage to property ever become involved, then he is committing a third degree felony and is actually likely to face prison time. A third degree felony is punishable by two to ten years’ imprisonment and a fine of up to $10,000. For specifics on stalking like this, look under subsection 42.072 (1). (Scroll down a bit from 42.07.)

It totally sucks that the onus has been put on you when really he should know better, but at least know the law has your back. Don't delete your messages between the two of you for now. Keep them for the record just in case.

I just want to reiterate this, WhiteOwl. You did nothing wrong and you don't deserve to get treated in this way or to be put into this position. He is being a jerk and if not directly acting outside of the law, then certainly skirting the borders of it. Most annoying guys on dating sites at least stop at being blocked, you just got unlucky that you ran into an extreme jerk right off the bat. Take a break from dating if you need to, but don't give up on it entirely because of this guy. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over your life and happiness!
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