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  #16  
Old 11-07-17, 11:57 AM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

I so totally get being surrounded but feeling empty and alone. Hub tries so hard to understand, to comfort and give love and he hates it when I say to him...I don't feel loved...I feel empty. I don't feel understood by him; he hasn't been where I've been. That hurts him so much and that pains me that I hurt him like that. He tries so hard but he doesn't get the dread, the overwhelming sense of foreboding...when will I crash; when will I fly again; can I maintain stability, can I keep the whirlwind of uncertainty at bay. The daily struggle is just so...awful. This dread equates to overwhelming anxiety that I keep increasing my meds to prevent. I get he has similar dread of my failing as well which is just as demeaning...lack of faith.

And I feel and sense that people see me as weird...odd. It takes so much energy to appear normal and I know I fail...miserably. There are times where I feel that they're talking about me, thinking awful things about me...as if I'm worth talking or thinking about, which is the other side of the daunting coin...self worth. I'm sorry that I tied this to Esh as I do understand that it's more than that but I get finding someone that just gets it. You don't really have to say anything, they just know. As overwhelming as that connection can be, it's sheer joy. They've been where you've been. You feel so understood and accepted...which is the first time in ages you feel loved and appreciated...as if you've never really been loved and appreciated before. The moments you get to spend with them...you laugh so hard, you cry so openly and deeply, life is just this blanket of colors when they're around...you feel like floating...in your heart you twirl. I've lost contact with my bff...we've drifted but can connect just as quickly as before. But the sense of loss from not having that daily interaction...days I can find myself spiraling and no one is there to catch me. Not wanting to leave the house again. Crying and I don't know why. Empty.

Meh, I'm blathering...Just trying to explain why I feel I get it and why I feel so compelled to express love and affection for you.
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  #17  
Old 11-07-17, 12:08 PM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

Many hugs for you peri and many hugs for you as well Andi it hurts to e you both struggling i wish i could be there in real life for you
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  #18  
Old 11-07-17, 01:23 PM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

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Originally Posted by Andi View Post
And I feel and sense that people see me as weird...odd. It takes so much energy to appear normal and I know I fail...miserably. There are times where I feel that they're talking about me, thinking awful things about me...as if I'm worth talking or thinking about, which is the other side of the daunting coin...self worth. I'm sorry that I tied this to Esh as I do understand that it's more than that but I get finding someone that just gets it. You don't really have to say anything, they just know. As overwhelming as that connection can be, it's sheer joy. They've been where you've been. You feel so understood and accepted...which is the first time in ages you feel loved and appreciated...as if you've never really been loved and appreciated before. The moments you get to spend with them...you laugh so hard, you cry so openly and deeply, life is just this blanket of colors when they're around...you feel like floating...in your heart you twirl.
that's so spot on... and i think that's why *I* tie it to him, too. because i know that ...you know he lived a life that until me everyone turned away. and he wasn't the easiest person to be around when unwell in the various ways he could be unwell. and i'm not the easiest to be around. and we did laugh and cry pretty much every day. but we saw each other and accepted each other. that's exactly it.

and my partner is great, your partner is great...but it's so true that they just don't *get* it because, and i'm grateful they've not, but they've not been there. and they go through their own hell when we're unwell but it's so hard to figure out how someone else can help me when he asks because there's literally nothing i can think of he can do to help. sometimes i think if he just agreed with me, agreed that i'm stuck in an existence that's wrong... but i know he doesn't really believe that.

i haven't increased my meds of late, but i did switch off clozaril to risperdal depot because i just can't seem to be consistent with taking pills. but i'm wondering now if the clozaril is fully out of my system and that's why i'm ...lacklustre, so to speak. because suicidality in those of my/our ilk is specifically what clozaril is supposed to address. but if i can't be relied upon to take it daily... and the shots are working for most things, just not for this thing.

i haven't gone for a run in four days now. i just can't seem to find the energy. sometimes i think there's an "affective" part to my psychosis diagnosis. or i want to blame it on the weather. or that medication is failing. i've been labeled "treatment resistant" before and i just can't take anymore meds...i'm already on five things plus a shot every two weeks. plus, it's just this one thing.

i would ring my psychiatrist, but sometimes i don't believe there's anything he can do for me that he's not done. and i don't want more pills and i don't want more diagnoses or changes to what mine have been for ages, now.

now i'm the one blathering... xx
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  #19  
Old 11-07-17, 02:32 PM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

I'm sorry you're going through this. As I'm sure you know, our mind and our feelings can tell us some awful lies. I don't know the details behind the person you are missing and I haven't been here very long, but you seem like a wonderful person with a big heart and I can see how you are so valuable to many on the forum, I know I value your presence here. I hope you are able to find some level of peace soon.
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  #20  
Old 11-07-17, 02:37 PM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

You're not blathering peri, I for one can tell talking about this helps you get it all out, one thing I do know is bottling feelings up is bad and only leads to more pain and explosions later on down the road
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  #21  
Old 11-07-17, 11:56 PM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

today i was informed my affect appears to be flattening.

that's ******* great.

the best part was it was couched in terms of whether i was aware of it or not. so, not whether it was happening, but whether i'm cognizant of it.

when i basically said that i'm not really invested in my affect in the moment/cheers for that, but i can't really muster up the wherewithal to care, i was met with "do you think you're having negative symptoms"?

which, let's cut the ****...that's not really the question i'm being asked. i'm being told by a mental health professional that i appear to be exhibiting negative symptoms and he's asking if i retain insight and am aware of the fact or if that's going, too, and i'm losing touch.

it's ******* weird to feel someone placing you on a point in a scale...enumerating your person and comparing it to what a baseline for you as person is (ideally, i suppose) or simply comparing it to baseline person x, who is at some midpoint or maybe average point. it would make more sense to look at the average than the mean in this case.

anyway, it's like the "up down" women do to each other, but with psychiatry and picking out different things to assign value. i got psychologically up-downed by a mental health worker today.

i only went to group because i feel like if i don't then i'm just letting it happen, but it's such a colossal waste of time to sit there and try to think of things to say when i really have little to no things to say.

and then you get asked these direct questions which, it's, like, do you want me to tell you frankly or do you want to hear what you need to hear? like, are you thinking of harming yourself? ******* of course i am. that doesn't mean i'm going to do it or even drafted new plans to execute it, but, yes, YES you ******* idiot, of course i'm thinking about it. i wake up thinking about it, i eat breakfast thinking about it, i shower *thinking about it*. that's what persistent means with respect to thoughts. duh.

which brings me to my other realisation for today, i'm irritable as hell. and when i'm cranky, i'm not always the most gracious person. in fact, i'm a bit of a snot.

now i'm pretty tapped out. took my night meds. didn't get referred to an urgent appointment--though i'm totally not looking forward to seeing my psychiatrist because ... i mean... what's left? if i wrote down every typical and atypical antipsychotic i've taken as monotherapy or in combination...i can't bear actually doing that because it's 1. no small task and 2. would be like a laundry list of failures.

and i don't actually think the risperdal depot isn't working. it is...it just doesn't quite handle a couple of things that clozaril is specifically known for. but you know, i figure it's just an adjustment i have to weather. the ****ty thing about clozail is if you miss it for even a doses, you have to retitrate. and the pills come in, like 25mg and 100 mg. so if you're taking 325 or 375, you're dealing with numerous pills and then there's the whole split dosage thing where you take the bulk at night but at least 100 in the morning, which is basically two times you can **** it up.

you know what, though? small miracles: the thing they worked so hard to remove, to rid me of, the orders...those are still at bay. kinda pathetic that i wish i did have orders so at least i'd have some idea of what to do with myself or some assurance that things were on track, whatever track that may be.

ugh. night meds may be kicking in or i'm just that blah...cheers for listening. i might go listen to him sing in hopes of some cathartic weeping.

much love,
xx
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  #22  
Old 11-08-17, 12:05 AM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

You're too intelligent for typical therapy it seems.

I'm serious. I'm reading this and I'm thinking that the questions being asked aren't geared to someone like you. They're more for someone with at least 20 fewer IQ points. Lol
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  #23  
Old 11-08-17, 12:23 AM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

i want to agree with you so i have an excuse not to go. and the reason i go isn't as much for me anyway. it's because maybe something will help another. i haven't entirely given up, but i most of the way have.

but when i was younger i was .....forced, for sure, due to some circumstances, to attend NAMI groups for, like, six months. and at the end this woman approached me and said that because of me, she had hope for her son. and i don't know what i could've possibly said or done to have given her that hope....but that's the nature of the group...it's not all about fixing me.

it's kinda like when i was in the peace corps. i knew i wasn't going to save everyone when the cholera outbreaks hit. but i could remember them and their struggle. and i could tell people. i could ensure their trees didn't fall silently in the forest. or like esh and me...he didn't die unknown, unseen. i'm not really great at letting myself be seen fully....but i have an above average capacity for compassion and seeing others as they are.

anyway, i'm just saying, i don't really expect group to help me other than insofar as it's doing something as opposed to nothing and if it comes to nothing for me, but is useful for another...that's enough for me. even if not now or subconsciously... i can't do much sometimes, but almost always, i can hear another and truly see.
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  #24  
Old 11-08-17, 11:48 AM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
i want to agree with you so i have an excuse not to go. and the reason i go isn't as much for me anyway. it's because maybe something will help another. i haven't entirely given up, but i most of the way have.

but when i was younger i was .....forced, for sure, due to some circumstances, to attend NAMI groups for, like, six months. and at the end this woman approached me and said that because of me, she had hope for her son. and i don't know what i could've possibly said or done to have given her that hope....but that's the nature of the group...it's not all about fixing me.
I can totally see how someone could look at you and have hope for their child. She probably saw a great and highly intelligent person who has and shows a lot of great qualities,.. and thought maybe her son could be like that.
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  #25  
Old 11-08-17, 09:26 PM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

i ended up going to the exploratorium with e today. it was pretty decent.

it's not getting better, though.

i woke up at...i don't know...earlier than five when i went for a run. but i woke up and spent some amount of time perusing websites i ought not be visiting.

i feel like i need to get a grip somehow. i'm in that grey area and i know it. i'm staying just this side of technically doing something that would be crossing a line where i'm supposed to initiate crisis plans and ****.

this weekend is a holiday. sorta. it's veteran's day in the states, so my therapist is ...my weekly private therapy appointment, is not again until the 17th. not that i want to discuss this with my therapist anyway, but i feel like it's going to be a long weekend.

plus it's supposed to rain, so e's playdates might be cancelled. i'm not ...i don't have enough things occupying me. the timing is not great for all of this. m has extra work this week.

i don't know. i don't know how i'm going to get through this. i thought my next psych appointment was the 19th but that's a sunday so ...yeah, it's not then. i'll have to look at my appointment reminder. but, really, what's he going to do? change my meds again? no, i'm tired of that. i've been on all of them. well, not vraylar or rexulti, but i don't think either holds any promise for me. and, really, things are overall pretty good in most departments. i know it must not seem like that to those reading this, but **** could be way worse than me having these thoughts and urges. i'm not going to detail how; you'll just have to trust me on that.

i do know where that line is, though, and i know where stepping over it leads and if there's anything i'm more tired of than medication changes it's being in the *******ed hospital.

i wonder how long this will last. i hope i have the fortitude to continue to care about these things...like hating medication changes and not wanting to be hospitalised are good signs in their own way. when i just completely stop giving a **** it exactly when i should be giving a ****, you know?

why is it always like that? when i most need to talk to someone, i have little to nothing to say. when i most need to open up i self isolate. and when i most need to have an emotional response i'm at my most apathetic.

at least. i ******* hate "at least", and yet...at least i'm pretty sure i retain insight. that's more meaningful than you might imagine. although, i ******* hate insight. it's like eliot's wasteland looking at the barren swathes where once there were relationships and colours and texture and significance.

but there's my girl and i still have those things in her. but that's an awful lot to saddle such a small person with, so i can't put that pressure on her. or on me. or anyone.

my head is a dial tone now, so i'm going to try and make dinner because i said i would and it's something to do that's not self defeating somehow.
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Old 11-09-17, 10:49 AM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

my psych appointment isn't until the 20th. m woke earlier than i anticipated and found me perusing websites instead of running.

i want to say he's upset with me but that's not fair to him. he's just worried. he wants me to go see my psychiatrist this week. which...hello? it's thursday. so that means today or tomorrow.

i promised i'd call though, so i'm going to at nine. i don't feel very urgent. i'm completely unmotivated to go see my psychiatrist today or tomorrow. perhaps it is because of negative symptoms but i think it's really just that i don't think there's anything he can do to help me. and not because he's a bad psychiatrist or anything. it's just, what's left to do?

well, the small girl is nearly done with breakfast.
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Old 11-09-17, 05:37 PM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

i now have a 3:00 appointment. not happy about it, really, but also kinda ...i'm just going to make m feel better, frankly.
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Old 11-09-17, 09:24 PM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

I didn't go.
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Old 11-10-17, 01:43 PM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

as anticipated, my psychiatrist rang this morning. right at eight on the dot.

he wasn't shocked at all, which is oddly reassuring. he had an explanation for it, which was the one i semi suspected as of last night when i couldn't stop researching most lethal things and fantasising about them. yeah...it's not part of my crisis plan...or, rather, it wasn't. i was asked to commit to not perusing them over the weekend. i feel like i'm backed into a corner about it because he could section me.

he's clever and will ask me questions in a way that i end up divulging all of the information. but i have been seeing him for, like, twelve years now, so ...

on the positive he doesn't think i'm having positive symptoms. which is good. especially since i'm not. it's significant though because he doesn't think i'm delusional which i appreciate because i'm ******* not, and also because that's why he's not pushing hospitalisation.

but he does think i need to go back on clozaril. along with the risperdal as more like a back up, but his position is that it's finally fully out of my system and i'm having negative symptoms as a result and my 'suicidality' has resurfaced. apparently the clozaril was working. so that's a positive i suppose.

i have to pick up my new...but old...prescription today. and if i don't, he basically said this is my opportunity to demonstrate that i don't need to be hospitalised right now.

and now i'm supposed to work with my therapist next week on developing a revised crisis plan.

**** me, man.

i kinda blame m for guilting me into making that urgent appointment yesterday that i then had no desire to attend and so blew off.

i'm tired of this ****. i would be super hostile and angry if i had emotions right now. i feel like my basic right to refusal as a person is being violated.

and i'm displeased because i went on the ******* injections because i for some dumb reason concluded and then admitted that maybe i'm not so great with taking tablets consistently. and now it's, like, i'm being penalised for it.

it's like they're forcing me to be the person they want me to be and maybe i just don't care anymore. and maybe it's none of their ******* business which websites i'm reading and what instructional videos i'm watching.

and speaking of videos, it also displeases me that there's some level of ...like, i'm not supposed to get "overstimulated"...as if i'm a toddler or a house cat that might maul you or something if you pet one too many strokes.

there was that thread on being rebellious and i totally want to do all of the ******* things i'm not supposed to do. just because i feel like i'm so discredited by this ailment and i'm so...it's like, they all want to contain me, restrain me. they have literally done that before. i mean, i've spent some time staring at the ceiling whilst inpatient. and then there's the "chemical restraint" aspect of giving me short acting injections for agitation or acute symptoms when i get hauled in. i mean...that seems to be everyone's approach to me: containment...restraint...never too much...always vanilla.

and why is it ok for me to be deemed mentally unfit to make my own decisions ever? i mean, that's ********.

i'm not really rebellious enough to be intentionally self destructive though. lest anyone reading this novella be concerned that i'll just flagrantly ignore the advice i just received for almost a full hour of phone conversation. because there's a small girl. and i know he's just advising what's, you know, "best for me"... but why the **** wouldn't *I* be the sole arbiter of what's best for me? and to some degree, i am, but i feel pressured. all around. pressure to do and be what everyone wants. pressure to treat an ailment i'm largely unconvinced i even have a lot of the time.

and then there's a small girl.

i feel like i've just had a really immature vent here. and, like andi said above...what would esh want? the ****ty thing is, i know EXACTLY what he'd want. he called emergency services on me once. i don't know if i've ever really disclosed that before, but he did. i forget exactly when. but i was ...you know, mostly out of my head and i believed i'd figured out some things and how to resolve them in the way ...befitting my purpose and ensuring i wasn't ....made into something like a pawn of a conspiracy against life itself.

it's complicated and i can't explain it without sounding like a crazy person, but the point is, i know he'd want me to go get my prescription when it's ready and suck it up and go to the hospital voluntarily if i can't stop doing things that are ...i don't want to say counterproductive, but not conducive to my being stable. that's the difference between us. he always went when told to go. he never fought it. anyway, he would want me to pursue treatment and blah blah blah and i know that because he's called the ******* emergency services on me before and i've had EMTs show up at my doorstep "just to talk" as a result.

i was so ******* angry with him. he totally thwarted me and i barely talked my way out of going inpatient. and then i ended up there not all that long after anyway. well...a few months later. i think that happened around april and then i spent october until january in. and then i went back again in february. that was a rough span of time.

anyway, point being: i totally know what he would want me to do and not do.

but i do wish i could talk to him again in this life. i wish, i wish, i wish. and it doesn't matter because the only way that can happen is if i totally lose my ****. in retrospect, the only times i've seen him since he's been non corporeal are times i'm seriously unwell.

i know several people posted on this thread saying i'm not alone, but i feel so lonely. which is weird because i generally feel untethered and disconnected and just adrift and most of me doesn't really care at this point. but i know intellectually i would care if caring were possible. the loneliness is the last to go.

such a catch 22 though...when the loneliness goes i'll have ceased to have any feelings apart from the ones i can have when i'm engaging my small girl...but even those are dampening. and when the loneliness goes is when i probably shouldn't be entrusted to be outpatient. but at the same time, when that happens i will have no faith in my ability to be better or different. that doesn't mean i'll do anything. in fact, it means i'll probably stop doing everything.

it's weird how loneliness is tied to hope.

hmm...this is long.
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Old 11-10-17, 03:18 PM
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

I wish there was something we could do to help, peri
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