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General Parenting Issues The purpose of this forum is to discuss general parenting issues related to children with AD/HD(ADD & ADHD)

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  #1  
Old 11-19-17, 07:57 AM
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My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

She is the baby, my baby. She is the only child of mine that had me home her whole life. I know I babied her too much. She got the most attention and we are very close but her self esteem and core is so poor. She never thinks she does anything right, not pretty enough or talented enough. She is a perfectionist but cant even appreciate when she has success. I have been the most stable with her mental illness wise. Yes, the last couple of years of my alcoholism was rough for the whole family but I cant believe I damaged her this much. So many broken promises about making plans with her before I got sober- that she had trust issues that now translate into severe anxiety. She has taken to holding it in. She needs therapy but as of late I cant afford it. Ive had two hand surgeries and found out I need joint replacement surgery in my right thumb up to the 'meat' at the base of them thumb which wont be until after the holidays. I feel like i failed her and dont know how to make her understand how good she is and how worth it she is and how she deserves me to be the best mom I can.
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Old 11-19-17, 08:10 AM
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Re: My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

I doubt it's anything you've done. My parents were always very encouraging and supportive but I still had self esteem issues.

I fear the same for fuzzling. She already seems less confident and more reticent than other babies and I keep wondering if I've done anything wrong (apart from my anxiety maybe rubbing off on her either learnt or inherited).

The theory is that of you are responsive to your baby's needs and foster a strong bond and attachment they are more likely to grow up to be confident and self assured. So I don't think that babying her or bring close has contributed to your daughter's self esteem issues.

For me being told positive things about myself especially by family members meant absolutely nothing. Maybe not everyone is the same but I've always felt more confifente when there were particular things I knew I was good at it. Praise needs to be fairly specific to be meaningful I think. Als
o it might help if she can get into a sort or some hobby that she can be really passionate about.
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Old 11-19-17, 01:05 PM
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Re: My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

I think there are some good online resources for building up self-esteem. I have looked at some of the workbooks on Amazon and some of them look good and have good reviews. It might help to go through one of those with her, as a cheaper alternative to therapy.

I see some of myself in my 10 yr old daughter, the anxiety and self-esteem issues. She's a perfectionist, too. I feel guilty because I get busy with life and we don't talk as much as we should. I'm trying to change that. She's my only daughter and I want to have a good relationship with her, but it's always been difficult connecting with her. She's really hyperactive and doesn't like to listen, so that doesn't help.

I try to get her involved in things that aren't too competitive, where she can succeed and gain confidence. She went to a horse camp during the summer and learning to take care of a horse and bonding with it, really seemed to boost her confidence. I'm hoping to be able to afford for her to go on a more regular basis.

It sounds like you've been doing the best you can, though, and you seem like a great mom, so I don't think you have failed her.
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Old 11-20-17, 10:15 AM
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Re: My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

You can get the guidance counselor involved. They can try to help her, touch base with her, let her know she's a good kid...and they are free. They are also over worked and have about 1000 kids to watch over, but it's better than nothing.
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Old 11-20-17, 10:24 AM
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Re: My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

i don't know if there are groups for teens, but have you considered letting her go to al-anon for support working through some of her trust and perfectionism issues?

i just looked and there's something called alateen. she should be eligible for that. sometimes support groups are really worthwhile. she could give it a shot...?
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Old 11-20-17, 12:42 PM
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Re: My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
She never thinks she does anything right, not pretty enough or talented enough.
I'll also add that it's the age.

Last year, when my son was 14, I came down stairs to tell him that the results had been posted from the tournament he played in last week. He said "What did I pitch", I said "79mph", he threw his face into the couch in disgust. I said WHAT????? What the heck is your glitch? He said "No college will look at me throwing 79mph :- (....I said "dude, are you freaking kidding me? You are 14, in 9th grade, and you grow stronger every day, the velocity that you want will come, you just have to be happy where you are and I am SURE there are at least 1000 14 year old's that can only dream of throwing 79mph! His response... "Yeah, I guess"...and moped for the rest of the day.
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Old 11-20-17, 01:26 PM
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Re: My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

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Originally Posted by Caco3girl View Post
I'll also add that it's the age.

Last year, when my son was 14, I came down stairs to tell him that the results had been posted from the tournament he played in last week. He said "What did I pitch", I said "79mph", he threw his face into the couch in disgust. I said WHAT????? What the heck is your glitch? He said "No college will look at me throwing 79mph :- (....I said "dude, are you freaking kidding me? You are 14, in 9th grade, and you grow stronger every day, the velocity that you want will come, you just have to be happy where you are and I am SURE there are at least 1000 14 year old's that can only dream of throwing 79mph! His response... "Yeah, I guess"...and moped for the rest of the day.
Yes, part of that was the age...but the bigger part was that he was a would-be man. Tests of physical prowess matching cultural ideals of masculinity so as to provide validation, or...not.


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Old 11-20-17, 04:02 PM
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Re: My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

Her self confidence is tied directly to the perfectionist tendencies. Somewhere she got the idea/belief that anything worth doing is worth doing perfectly. Nobody can live up to that standard, so she sees herself as a failure.

Somehow she needs to figure out that we are not what we do. How to do that I haven't a clue.

14 is a rough age for any teen. Just keep being there for her and keep loving her. It'll work out. If you can involve her in a self help group as suggested, great!. (If that is the issue(s) she is struggling with. ) If the school can suggest something counseling wise, that might be helpful.

Does she have friends her age or adult.... that can be a support to her?
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Old 11-20-17, 04:29 PM
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Re: My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

Well, ACOA's tend to poor self esteem and 'low positive affect tolerance' i.e. they have difficulty feeling positively about themselves. Sometimes the parental ACOA get internalized and they think that the parent's alcoholism was about them not being good enough. She might benefit from ALA-TEEN.
She'll make some friends who have been in the same position and see that none of it was about her. That should make it easier for her to accept positive things about herself
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Old 11-20-17, 11:29 PM
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Re: My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

I'm not sure if Alateen is still around but it could be helpful for her. I wish I had had something like that as a teen.

Also, I'm positive that there are places where she can get therapy for free or on a sliding scale- especially being a minor. There are a number of faith-based organizations that offer that kind of thing and they may also treat teens. Also, look on your state's website for state-funded agencies and groups.
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Old 11-21-17, 04:06 PM
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Re: My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

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Originally Posted by finallyfound10 View Post
I'm not sure if Alateen is still around but it could be helpful for her. I wish I had had something like that as a teen.
Yes, Alateen is still around but you usually have to go to an Alanon group to find an Alateen meeting. At least in the upstate NY area I'm in.
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Old 11-21-17, 04:16 PM
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Re: My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

earlier when i posted i had googled alateen and your state, sarah, and there were seventeen possible meeting locations. just FYI
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Old 11-21-17, 05:49 PM
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Re: My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

She belongs to COSA which is children of substance abusers through school. I am friendly with the counselor who runs it and she is really good but this goes beyond that and I need to stop the self blame I think. I just want to help her but dont know how.
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Old 11-22-17, 02:48 AM
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Re: My youngest daughter (age 14) is so hard on herself and I dont know why.

Teenagers are notorious for self doubt. They are discovering and defining themselves They are also creating themselves and with that comes a lot of comparison with others. This can cause them to falter in self esteem. I think It's important to let them know that what they are going thru is normal. It can be so easy for mama bear to catastrophize, self blame, and have great fear for our babies. Sending them messages that you trust their ability to find themselves, that they will do It, that they will fall down, etc.. is important.

As long as you remain confident in them, this helps them discover their own confidence. Hope this helps.
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