ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Relationships & Social Issues
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-14-17, 10:31 AM
EG19682 EG19682 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 5
Thanks: 1
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
EG19682 is on a distinguished road
When you suddenly become the only single friend..?

Over the past year ive felt as if ive become slowly more and more isolated.
2 of my best friends got into very serious relationships really quickly and within a short time frame of eachother.

And while im happy for them, and fully understand and expect that things would naturally have to change when a close friend gets into a relationship as they will be spending a large portion of their time with this new person.

Ive slowly become more and more hurt/frustrated with the fact that ive essentially been pretty much ditched by both of them.. in kinda different ways.

Lets just call them friend 1 and friend 2..

So friend 1 pretty much from the week she met her boyfriend has just not made time for me..almost at all. And again ill be clear I dont expect things to be exactly the same but this seems a bit extreme.. like there have been stages of like 2 months where I dont see her.. used to see her almost every week at least. I dont expect every week but when it gets to not seeing someone for months it is a bit messed. I tried at first to maintain our friendship but kinda gave up after a while when it was clear she didnt care anyways.

And in typical fashion the only time I really have heard from her over the past 10+ months her and her boyfriend have been together is to:

- complain or vent about her fight with her boyfriend
- complain about something she cant complain to her boyfriend about
- or discuss her boyfriend in some fashion..

Then theres friend 2

I do still talk to this friend quite regularly BUT its legitimately only to council her through her never ending relationship drama.. and while at first I was happy to help its gotten to the stage where its very depressing and draining on me... all she ever talks about is her boyfriend.. never seems to ask or care how I am, and its almost like because I dont have a relationship nothing going on in my life is worth discussing...

Shes on a kind of specific schedule spending most nights of the week with her boyfriend.. and on the night or two a week shes not with him shes often just projecting her issues with him onto me so we end up talking about it for HOURS and the worst part is this happens like clockwork every week but its also so not productive.. she talks about the same issues almost everytime.. maybe just reworked slightly.. but then everytime she says something negative about him or the relationship and I simply say I understand where shes comming from or affirm what shes just explained she then almost argues back (even though i am only agreeing with what she says) and starts talking about all the great aspects of her relationship.. so then I affirm that and say well with all that greatness your bound to figure it out, try not to stress etc.. and then she goes back to doubt and all the 'terrible' parts of her relationship its literally like going around in circles and goes on for hours/days every week and its just really draining..

It feels like im just used as an emotional crutch/therapist on the day or 2 a week shes not with her boyfriend.. and then shes hanging out with him for 4 nights or so and I dont exist. And while I am trying to be a good friend because I feel like I dont really have many anymore its really hard. And im also just wasting time counselling her through her dramas for legit often 4+ hours in a single day. Its just not healthy for me to deal with anymore.. and has gotten to extreme neediness levels where she will call me at insane hours and wake me up to talk about whatever boyfriend drama is unfolding.. and as a point that illustrates just how pointless counselling her constantly about it is..

I recently had multiple calls and texts from her crazy early in the morning, I was asleep and while she woke me up I decided not to answer..checked in with her via text a few hours later and just what I expected boyfriend drama but it had already been resolved not even 6 hours later..? So if id answered the phone I would have spent legit hours talking to her about something that would have been resolved between her and her boyfriend before the end of the day.- Essentially wasting my time.

So basically neither of my friends really seem to care about me at all, they are to absorbed in their relationships.

And combine that with the fact that I also feel like both friend 1 & 2 kinda just pity me/look down on me because im single.. only at the start of the year the two of the, were in the exact same spot as me.. but now its like they think they are so superior because they have someone and I dont.. so that just makes the whole losing your 2 closest friends thing even better..



I know I just need new friends,
But I dont even know how to go about that..
ADHD has given me severe severe social anxiety.. and figuring out how to make friends in this day and age seems impossible particularly when it feels like my entire social circle is gone. Plus it just feels like everyone already has their own friends ..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-14-17, 12:16 PM
OyVeyKitty's Avatar
OyVeyKitty OyVeyKitty is offline
ADDvanced Member
 

Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Finland
Posts: 168
Thanks: 511
Thanked 426 Times in 156 Posts
OyVeyKitty has much to be proud ofOyVeyKitty has much to be proud ofOyVeyKitty has much to be proud ofOyVeyKitty has much to be proud ofOyVeyKitty has much to be proud ofOyVeyKitty has much to be proud ofOyVeyKitty has much to be proud ofOyVeyKitty has much to be proud of
Re: When you suddenly become the only single friend..?

I don't know about friend #1, she clearly doesn't even care about spending time with you at all, but friend #2 can maybe still be saved. It's entirely possible that she doesn't realize how much she's using you as an emotional outlet because you have been so willing and helpful so far. She's obviously not very socially aware, but if you have had a long friendship before this (you didn't mention how long these friendships have been) and you value that time, the friendship could be worth trying to save.

Next time she starts ranting, try just asking her nicely to stop. "Hey Kate, I know there's a lot going on with your relationship and I don't mind giving you advice or lending an ear sometimes, but I'm feeling a bit left out lately. Do you mind if we talk about something else for a bit?" (It's best if you can also suggest something to do or talk about instead.)

If she's unintentionally pouring all this drama on you, then she'll probably take the hint from there and things will get better. If she still won't get the hint, you might have to be even more clear.

"Kate, when we're hanging out, can we please focus on other things than your relationship?"

I know you're frustrated, but try your best to approach her without using an aggressive tone or in an affronting way, just be polite. If that still doesn't work or she starts an argument over it, then you might actually need to let her go. Either way, some boundaries need to be set here.

Edit: I forgot to add that you need to tell her that it's not OK to call you at night/early in the morning/whatever just because she's distressed over the relationship.

Last edited by OyVeyKitty; 12-14-17 at 12:22 PM.. Reason: Forgot to say something
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to OyVeyKitty For This Useful Post:
EG19682 (12-15-17)
  #3  
Old 12-14-17, 12:28 PM
WhiteOwl's Avatar
WhiteOwl WhiteOwl is offline
ADDvanced Contributor
 

Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 653
Thanks: 1,065
Thanked 1,231 Times in 520 Posts
WhiteOwl has much to be proud ofWhiteOwl has much to be proud ofWhiteOwl has much to be proud ofWhiteOwl has much to be proud ofWhiteOwl has much to be proud ofWhiteOwl has much to be proud ofWhiteOwl has much to be proud ofWhiteOwl has much to be proud of
Re: When you suddenly become the only single friend..?

Sounds like you are just being used at this point, and you are smart not to put up with that. If they are having a bunch of boyfriend drama, it sounds like you are the one who is better off being single. There shouldn't be that much drama in a relationship, but it's not surprising, considering they have become so wrapped up in their boyfriend's that they're ditching their friends. It's important to maintain a life outside the person you're dating.

Unfortunately, it's hard to find good friends these days. I also have social anxiety and have been so wrapped up in my own life, that I don't have any close friends right now. I'm trying to change that. I've joined a social anxiety and introverts Meetup group, and am hoping to make a friend there. I find many people to be shallow, though, so just have to be patient and hope to find a real friend.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to WhiteOwl For This Useful Post:
aeon (12-14-17)
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 12-14-17, 12:51 PM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 28,176
Thanks: 5,744
Thanked 32,580 Times in 15,085 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: When you suddenly become the only single friend..?

I say cut them loose. You deserve better than that.
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to sarahsweets For This Useful Post:
aeon (12-14-17)
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
what does a close friend mean to you? cristy07 Teen Relationships 11 02-13-12 01:21 AM
Punishment or consequence? Friend suspects DD has ADHD, but thinks she's "lazy". pechemignonne General Parenting Issues 30 02-03-12 11:20 PM
My mom pulls me off my meds suddenly Spikey General ADD Talk 7 05-17-11 12:27 AM
Can you help me, help a friend? exhausted mom General Parenting Issues 10 04-29-11 11:57 PM
7 year old girl smothering her best friend rbausch General Parenting Issues 16 10-28-08 11:45 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:58 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums