What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency

[WhiteOwl]

Originally Posted by aeon

Your emotions are a gift, and are key to your survival, just like the nerve endings that carry pressure, temperature, and pain signals.

It is possible to experience them fully and deeply, but without the need or desire to control them, or have the sense of being controlled by them.

I used to think as you do. Learning how to be present and engaged with my emotions, and accepting them as they are was one of the best things I ever did for myself.

I'm definitely present and engaged when I'm feeling that sinking, empty feeling. That sense that something is just "wrong", that I need something (assurance? validation? comfort?) that the other person can't/won't provide (or provide enough of, because I don't think anyone could ever provide enough) and that I can't seem to find a way to provide for myself. It's a feeling of doom, like a huge raincloud hovering over me. I don't know how to accept this feeling, or how accepting it will help me to feel any less miserable when I feel it.

How did you learn to not try to control your emotions and not be controlled by them?

Originally Posted by aeon

I can appreciate what you are saying, but know that Love does not concern itself with such things...and that's part of what makes it beautiful.

But how do you tell the difference between love and just infatuation? Can you truly love someone, if you're not happy with yourself and have so many issues? Or am I just using people to try to fill a void, to get validation and make myself feel better? Scary thought.

[OyVeyKitty]

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl

But how do you tell the difference between love and just infatuation? Can you truly love someone, if you're not happy with yourself and have so many issues? Or am I just using people to try to fill a void, to get validation and make myself feel better? Scary thought.

This early on it's 100% infatuation, love takes a lot longer to develop. Love is not a volatile feeling, it's stable and solid and you feel it deep in your body. It doesn't actively affect your mood much at all. Infatuation is that high and happy feeling that you're having right now.

There's nothing wrong with infatuation, in fact, if you didn't feel it in the beginning there's a very good chance there would be no love following it, because you wouldn't stay together long enough to fall in love. It's the natural early stages of a relationship, that's all. It's amazing, exciting, terrifying and all sorts of other things all at once. Its effects fade to a large extent with time, but in a real good relationship you will always have a (healthy) bit of it.

Long explanation short: if it feels like a love song it's infatuation.

As for the rest of your questions, I do think you can love someone while you're not happy with yourself. I think it's important that you don't use him as your main source of validation however, because that's not fair to him and it's going to put too much of a strain on the relationship for it to last. You will need to keep working on yourself and loving yourself independent of him and the relationship, but I think using it as a source of inspiration can be helpful if you lacked some before. Learning to love yourself independently will make you an easier partner to be with.

[WhiteOwl]

Originally Posted by OyVeyKitty

This early on it's 100% infatuation, love takes a lot longer to develop. Love is not a volatile feeling, it's stable and solid and you feel it deep in your body. It doesn't actively affect your mood much at all. Infatuation is that high and happy feeling that you're having right now.

This is such a helpful definition of love. I've always been confused about what love really feels like, and I don't think I've ever felt it towards a man. I thought I loved my husband, but in hindsight, I'm pretty sure neither of us really loved each other.

Originally Posted by OyVeyKitty

There's nothing wrong with infatuation, in fact, if you didn't feel it in the beginning there's a very good chance there would be no love following it, because you wouldn't stay together long enough to fall in love. It's the natural early stages of a relationship, that's all. It's amazing, exciting, terrifying and all sorts of other things all at once. Its effects fade to a large extent with time, but in a real good relationship you will always have a (healthy) bit of it.

Long explanation short: if it feels like a love song it's infatuation.

Yeah, that all makes sense. He's really pulling me in, though. I just spent the last 12 hrs with him and he just has the best personality, the easiest person to be around, just feels natural. After so many years with a moody person, who has no personality and never wanted to talk to me, it's such a nice change. And he cooked me breakfast and dinner, which no one has ever done for me before. Maybe I'm too easy to please, since I've had such crappy experiences, but I feel like I've hit the jackpot, so far. I can just see things going really well long term and he has said the same thing.

Originally Posted by OyVeyKitty

As for the rest of your questions, I do think you can love someone while you're not happy with yourself. I think it's important that you don't use him as your main source of validation however, because that's not fair to him and it's going to put too much of a strain on the relationship for it to last. You will need to keep working on yourself and loving yourself independent of him and the relationship, but I think using it as a source of inspiration can be helpful if you lacked some before. Learning to love yourself independently will make you an easier partner to be with.

Yes, this is true. I am still working on finding validation in myself. I am continuing to explore my hobbies and work on finding joy in myself and other people/things.